Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up kings? In this video we’re gonna talk about friend zoning. And here’s a situation with a guy who doesn’t even realize that he is in the friend zone. So most of the time people just don’t want to acknowledge that they are in the friend zone, but this particular person here who sent me a message, he doesn’t even realize he is in the friend zone. So let’s look at the situation and let’s see what is my advice for him.
So he says: “Hi Mr Graziosi, I wanted to get some advice on a girl I like at work. So I got promoted to work in another department at the law office I worked for at for three years. She started working there six months before I came on board so when the promotion happened in January, my boss assigned the both of us to sit next to each other. She sits in a cube behind me and we hit it off! During the conversations we’ve had, I’ve learned about her family, her goals, and aspirations, and her faith. I also found out that she had a boyfriend. But to me, I wanted to be there for her as a friend.“
So you’re basically even positioning yourself as the friend, which is actually odd because literally one sentence before that you say this: “And we hit it off!” How can you hit something off? It sounds like you’re excited about this woman and that you hit it off and things are going so great, but here you are, knowing that she has a boyfriend and you’re trying to be her friend. You know, you’re basically trying to get favors with her and trying to be nice to her so that she likes you. Maybe you’re hoping for the boyfriend to break up with her, who knows. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I don’t think you want to be a friend, because, obviously you’re sending a message to a dating coach.
So he says: “But what kind of gets to me is there could be a few days that go by where we don’t talk to each other at all. Weird, isn’t that?“
No, that’s not weird. You are literally just co-workers, and yeah, maybe you are friends, but you’re not a couple. You’re not even dating! So she has no obligation to message you or talk to you all the time. I mean heck. I don’t talk to my best friends every single day. Even my best friend who I have an accountability partnership with, that I basically talk to every day about our goals, I don’t talk with him non-stop every single day aside from that morning meeting where we have our accountability meeting. People have lives and this girl, this woman, she is not your girlfriend. You’re not even casually dating. She has a boyfriend, so what do you expect? Honestly, why would you expect that that’s weird? The fact that you think it’s weird is actually weird.
So he then says: “Sometimes I let her initiate contact with me just because I want to play it cool.“
Yeah, that would be the right approach. I mean that generally is the right approach, but there’s nothing to play cool right here because you’re not dating and I think you have really the wrong expectations.
So he then says: “Of course, I have the syndrome where I want to say all the right things. Some conversations are fluid, while others run dry.“
Yeah, you’re trying to please her and the question is why are you even trying to please her? Because you are not even dating. She’s not even technically available. So what is the point? Why would you please her? Actually, why would you please anyone in the first place? A true king doesn’t need to please anyone. He does the right things for all the people in his kingdom, but he doesn’t do so because he’s afraid that he’s going to lose the people, the citizens of his kingdom, because a king knows that he’s awesome. And the king knows that he always does the right things, or even if he doesn’t, he corrects his mistakes.
So a king knows that he is valued. A king doesn’t need to prove himself. So are you coming from a place of thinking that you are a king, or are you coming from a place of nice guy, simping, and trying to get the affection of a woman by trying to do as many things right as possible? And who cares? I mean if you screw up with a woman, and face it … we screw up with women all the time. It just happens. Not every time, not every moment, every interaction, every dating scenario with a woman is going to work out. Sometimes we screw up. But you know what separates winners from the losers is that the winners don’t care. The winners are just like “yeah, okay, I fucked this up. Why did I f it up?“
Might be you reflect on it, then you just move on because there are so many women out there on the planet so there’s plenty of options. But it seems like you have a bit of a case of Oneitis and you’re taking this woman way too serious, when she’s clearly not even available. So why would you do that when you could have so many other women available? And I don’t care that she’s working at your office. It’s cool because you get to talk to a woman at your office, because maybe you’re shy and you don’t know how to talk to women in public and approach new women, and make new interactions, new conversations, but that’s just something that you have to start to learn, and to practice, and to get better at. And by hiding in your office and hoping that this woman who was taken, magically is going to save you from that challenge… You have to face it’s just not going to happen, all right?
So he says: “Also it seems like I’m the only guy she somewhat consistently talks to.”
I would ask how do you know that? Do you think she’s gonna be honest with you and tell you that she’s only talking to you? Most people are talking to multiple people. When I date right, now I have a girlfriend, but before when I used to date, I dated multiple girls and I also told those girls that I dated multiple girls. There’s nothing wrong with it and most women also don’t think there’s something wrong with it if they date multiple people because until we are getting to a stage where it’s more exclusive, or more serious, where there is some commitment towards each other, and you have to set some boundaries what’s okay and what’s not, you don’t owe anyone anything.
And so women do the same thing. And so the odds of her not talking to some other people are kind of low. Obviously, she has a boyfriend, but the point I’m trying to make here is you’re saying it seems like “I’m the only guy she’s somewhat consistently talking to” You’re basically putting yourself on that pedestal and this is what a lot of nice guys do. They actually don’t realize that they are doormats. Essentially, you’re not that special. Nobody of us is special, even though I always tell people to be kings and we should realize all the value that we hold within ourselves, that doesn’t mean that there’s not a shitton of people in the world who have a lot of value, and you are not this magical unicorn compared to all other men.
There are other men that are really great and awesome as well, and they’re particularly great because they have their own unique ways of how they approach their life, and what makes them special. So dude, you are not that special and you’re not the only guy on the planet that she can find interesting, and she’s probably talking to other people as well.
And so he then says: “I found out from her that four months ago she and her boyfriend mutually broke up.” So it sounds like you know she has a boyfriend, you were trying to go the friend zone route, the friendship route and thinking “okay I’m going to be nice and maybe, maybe her boyfriend sucks, or whatever” because clearly you think that you’re that special I think from what you’re saying, and you’re probably thinking “okay once they break up, which is inevitable, then I’ll make my move.“
There’s nothing inherently wrong with thinking “I’m a catch and the king is already a winner. I just have to wait for the right moment.” Sure, that is accurate. A lot of guys don’t know what they’re doing and it’s very common that people just break up. But you shouldn’t count on the other person to just be a loser and that you’re that much better. Who knows what that other man, the boyfriend, that she was with what, was he like. He could have been a really great guy and their relationship could have lasted for two, three, more years.
So by having that mindset of thinking “okay it’s gonna happen really really soon, she’s gonna break up really, really soon because that guy probably sucks and I’m so much better” you’re basically putting yourself on the clock and you’re tuning into that mindset of Oneitis of “okay this is the woman. I’m gonna wait for my right moment.” And that’s not how you should approach it. You should approach it like “okay this woman is great, man. It’s so nice to talk to her. Really sucks that she’s dating someone” and you can hang out with her and interact with her.
Just don’t be too dependent on her and don’t show her that how much you value her because she’s gonna notice that. And date other women on the side, because maybe things can work out with her in the future. You don’t know. But it could also work out with another woman in the future. And so you have no idea what is going to happen. Now you were lucky in this case because the boyfriend broke up four months ago and so now you’re probably thinking “okay it’s my time to move, to shine” but that was literally just luck.
Yeah sure, there’s a probability. People break up but you don’t want to gamble in this way where if you are wrong about your gamble, you basically are in a lot of pain, you’re disappointed, and you’re not gonna be happy. So if you date people on the side and you don’t focus so much on the outcome of being with that other woman, then you won’t care and you will be happy with either outcomes.
So he says: “Of course, I do my best to be there for her as a friend. I wonder what she thinks of me sometimes.” Well here’s your issue: You’re literally stating the problem. “I do my best to be there for her as a friend.”
Make up your mind. Do you want to be a friend, or do you want to be the guy who fuck her? Those are incredibly different things. You know, I have friends, hot friends, very hot friends, or not so hot friends, also average looking female friends, and you know some of them are really hot and if I wouldn’t be taken, I would say “well I would totally have sex with this girl, or date her if I had a chance but there’s also a lot of friends where I just don’t care.“
No matter how hot they are, I just don’t care. I just can’t see them that way. We’ve just been friends and somehow I am not in that mode where I want anything with them sexually, I just like the platonic-ness of the relationship and a lot of women have the same feeling. Sometimes women just like the platonic relationship, especially if you’re friends, because platonic relationships give us stability. But the problem is women actually want stability from their romantic partners as well.
Actually, more than men want it. And so by being the friend, the platonic friend, who offers that stability, well now she can find more stability from another man for dating purposes. So what does she think of you? She probably doesn’t think much of you at all. I mean she just thinks “yeah you’re a nice guy. You’re a friend. The guy that she can talk to about her problems.” She can probably rant to you about things at work when she’s pissed at something, or whatever. Something didn’t work out, or she’s stressed, and frustrated. But is she the one that she’s gonna turn to hug you, and cuddle you, and hold you and want to be held in her, in your arms? No, probably not.
Because she probably has someone else for that, even though she broke up with some guy four months ago, there’s probably someone else who’s making moves who does not label her as a friend. It’s quite important actually, the label, the words that we use. They are very important. So the way how we label ourselves, but also how we label our relationships, and our circumstances, reflect on how we behave. So you, by you labeling this as a friend, a friendship, you’re clearly creating that outcome that you don’t want, which is friendship and being in the friend zone. And you clearly don’t realize that you are in the friend zone.
So he’s asking “what I’m asking is how should I continue to approach this? Is what I’m doing now okay so far?“
No, what you’ve been doing is pretty awful, actually. Now don’t get me wrong. She’s obviously your co-worker and you can’t avoid being friends and hanging out, and working together, and having conversations, but even with co-workers you know there’s a huge difference between flirting & being sexual, and there being something that’s more than platonic relationships, or really just being workmates, essentially where it’s just functional.
It’s just how it is you. Like the same way how any normal co-worker is just there because you have to interact with each other. That’s your job, essentially. It’s part of your job and you don’t want to be in that friend zone and in this case, we could call it the work zone. So clearly you are in the friend zone, the work zone, where this is not working and she does not care about you right now. She cares about you emotionally on some level as a friend but she would probably never think of you in a sense of seducing her so.
Honestly, the only way how you can move this forward is if you try to move it towards something that’s more sexual and so you have to make some dates happen. You have to invite her to something, and you have to do it in a way where it doesn’t seem needy. It has to seem in a way that it’s very confident and you just show her “hey I want to hang out” and it has to be clear that it’s not some of those friendly dates, or friend hangouts, like “oh let’s have coffee“, or “let’s have lunch.“
No, it has to be something where it’s quite obvious that it could lead to something more, where you can have fun together, and where you can eventually either go to your place or to her place and have some alcohol involved in it, most likely, because with your situation it’s a bit tricky. Because you’re already predisposed in this friend zone, essentially. And so getting her to open up might be quite hard, especially if I’m correct that right now she probably doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you, or she doesn’t think about it, because you haven’t made any moves and you started out as friends, or co-workers.
So you kind of have to re-establish what you want and you need to signal this to her. Women understand this, okay? So if she likes it, she’s gonna go for it. And if she’s not comfortable with it, and she just wants to be co-workers, you know she’s gonna reject you in subtle ways, probably. Or maybe not so subtle ways. So what I would suggest is set up a dinner date or some activity where uh… What I like, what kind of dates that I like that really work well is where you first do something where you can have some physical interaction, so for example, one date that is quite fun, where you kind of interact with each other, and do things together as a couple is, what do you call it… wall climbing… Right, so with wall climbing.
You have your partners, you have to help each other out, you can catch each other, these kinds of things. You know, it’s a bit of a fun situation, you can banter, you know do some activity where it’s kind of fun, and where you can also maybe touch each other and just play, have a bit of jokes and humor, and not take things so seriously, and then you can move on and take it right after that maybe to go to a bar, or a restaurant, sit outside, have some wine, have some good alcohol, beers and flirt.
You have to flirt, okay? You have to get out of that zone where you’re just having some nice conversations. You really have to play with her a little bit and be a little bit sexual, and say things that she doesn’t expect. Because right now she just expects friendship. So you are in the friend zone right now you don’t even realize it and what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked, so you have to take some action steps to get out of that friend zone. And the first step is since obviously she is not taken right now, it’s been four months since her breakup, so she had some time also to reflect on the breakup and is probably ready to date.
Maybe she’s already dating. Maybe she’s rebounding, who knows. And rebounding is not necessarily always a bad thing. It’s an opportunity for you to make a move because a lot of people when they’re in that rebound zone they want to forget their ex, and you know there’s nothing wrong with that to be the rebound, as long as you know how to move things to the next stage. So there’s opportunity there as well. So make your move. Invite her to something. Some activity. Some kind of date.
Don’t do something boring where you can’t eventually go to each other’s place and seduce each other. And the fact that you then invite her to something like this and maybe you invite her to your place, you already suggest these kind of things, you can already gauge what she feels and what she’s thinking, and she’s also going to understand that you are trying to take things to a new level, because so far everything has been friendship based.
But if you say “hey, let’s hang out. Why don’t we watch a movie or whatever, it doesn’t matter, let’s cook something, or let’s go and do xyz.” Whatever your interests are that you share, that you could do together, or her to your place for VR… one of the most hilarious things that I’ve heard from a friend before is “hey, you want to try out VR Porn?” That’s a joke. You probably shouldn’t try this but it’s hilarious. You know like things that excite her and where she knows “oh he wants me to come to his place.” That kind of sends a signal and women understand this kind of signal.
So I hope this was helpful. Let me know what you think in the comments of course. If you like this video give me a thumbs up, subscribe to my channel, and in the comments let me know what you think. Do you agree with this take, do you not agree with the take? What should he be doing? And if you need some more help, if this was very helpful, then there’s a few more ways I can help you.
Of course, you can get my book “Unleash the king Within” from Amazon. I talk a lot about these mindsets. How to see yourself as a king and how to escalate with a woman, and how to take things to the next step, and how to understand when is the time to be patient when is the time to not be patient. You’ve been too patient so clearly, you need some advice that’s in this book.
You can also enroll for my Confidence King training program, or you can also of course book a coaching session with me. And with that, I’ll see all of your kings in the next video.