Why exes come back after they have exhausted all their options [Dumper Regret]

Nov 27, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What’s up, kings? When an ex broke up with you, typically she will come back for two reasons: Number one: She can tell that you’ve moved on. Or number two: She’s exhausted all her options. Typically, after a breakup, an ex does not have trust in you, or in the relationship for whatever reason, and then she comes and goes to other men. She tries to figure out “Can other men give me the happiness that I’m not receiving from you?” and after a while, they will probably realize no, they can’t find that happiness with other men, because a lot of men don’t make them happy, or don’t have the qualities that you had. Because you had some compatibility, even though things didn’t work out. And then they come back.

And of course, they wonder “Has he moved on? Have you moved on?” and they’re scared well, if they don’t come back, they’re gonna miss out on you, and ultimately once an ex has exhausted a lot of options with other men, and it didn’t work out, she will fall back to you because you have a lot of history, a lot of attachment. That means there is a lot of trust to fall back onto. And so typically that’s when the ex will come back. So you have to evaluate do you want that ex back or not? Is it the right choice to get the ex back? So I have a message from a guy. It’s a quite long message and his ex came back after a long time. And now he is confused what to do. So let’s get into it.

He says: “Hi coach, I was together with my ex for five years. After our breakup, I tried to rekindle things with her but she had moved on and started seeing other men. It took me a long time to get over the breakup but now that I am finally dating a new girl, she’s back and begging for me to get back. This sucks so much more than anything I have ever dealt with in my life. I’m super confused right now because I still have feelings for her and the girl I’m dating is still relatively new. I feel no matter what I will do, the decision will be wrong.

Like I said: Now she’s back after she’s been dating other guys. Now, your problem is you’re dating someone else. That’s confusing you and your question is what do you do? Well, you have to be a man about it. You have to make a decision and stick with that decision. Sometimes we make decisions that we’re not happy with, but we have to make a decision. It’s better to make a decision than to be indecisive and then have a decision being made for you. At least when you regret it, you can say “I made a choice. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe it didn’t work out but I was strong. I was resilient. And hey, next time it’s going to work out better. At least I had the strength to make a choice.” So you do have to make a choice eventually. So let’s keep going.

He says: “I will spare you the usual lovey-dovey stuff about how great life was, blah blah blah, but yeah for the first four and a half years, life was great. Our relationship was really great and we were very happy, but the last five months of our relationship became long distance after living together for four years. That pretty much nuked our relationship. Simply stated, our jobs and careers got in the way. She got promoted at her workplace and was given the chance to be put in a management position and since we were both in our late 20s, this was a big deal for her. However, it was in a city that was several hours away. We gave it the old college try but when it became obvious that there was no end in sight to this distance, I tried to hold on to the relationship but I could feel she was slipping away, and eventually, after a lot of me trying to convince her otherwise, we both decided to end this.

It’s a good thing that you ended it with dignity eventually. Obviously, you tried to convince her otherwise but in a case like this, you probably can’t convince her. It’s about her job. The bottom line is at least you didn’t have fights about it. You had kind of a clean breakup and a good thing is you’ve been together for was it four and a half years? Five years. So there’s a lot of attachment. This woman definitely cares about you and that’s obviously why you’re messaging me because she’s coming back. So there’s so much trust that she can fall back onto that it would be very easy to rekindle with her if you want to.

So he says: “Now, that sounds easy and painless because we both agreed to it, but it really wasn’t. Both of us broke down several times and begged the other back, and we did this for several months. It was hell on earth for both of us. I could not move to where she was unless I gave up my entire career that my parents had so graciously paid thousands upon thousands of dollars of college tuition, so I could get a job. Simply stated: To be in my field you have to be in one of four locations in the US and the city she is in is not one of them. This was actually one big issue with our breakup, because she was much more flexible with her career in terms of where she could work. She works in accounting, so you know, there are plenty of accounting firms in the US, although of course, I won’t deny that her management role at one of the big firms was a big opportunity for her.

So anyway, she did make sort of a mistake here. Obviously, it’s her career. It’s her choice to do what she wants to do, but it seems like she has more options. Plus, she could also theoretically work online if she works in one of the big accounting firms. You know, it’s a big opportunity for her, but maybe she could have accommodated. So that’s something that maybe she’s realizing now “Whoops, I made a mistake! Career is not everything and it would have been better if we would have stayed together, lived in the place where we could have both worked together.” Where you could have had your job. She could have had a good job as well there, most likely. Maybe she’s realizing “Wow I made a mistake and I want him back. Hopefully, he will forgive me.

So he then says: “So eventually, we finally both made the mutual decision to go no contact. This was especially important to me because I tried to keep the relationship intact more than she did. So we both agreed that as long as we talked, texted, video-called, we were not going to be able to move on with our lives. And as neither of us could give up our career, for the sake of us, we had to come to an end. By the way: I never once asked her to not take her job or to quit and work near where I work. I knew that would be very unfair of me, but in all honesty, I regret not doing that. I have a feeling that if I had proposed to her as I had planned, she would have been okay to work for another company and found another job, and we probably still would be together right now. Or maybe that is just wishful thinking as well and pointless since I didn’t ask her.

No, you probably have a point there. You could have communicated to her “I understand you want to make your career work, and I’m not forcing you to not take this job, but it can’t work like this. I think you should work in the city where I work. There’s a lot of great companies there.

You could probably have proposed, or some companies and at least made some suggestions. Obviously, the chances of her being persuaded by that are not that high but if she truly cares about you and you make a good point for it, then you might have been able to win her over. So you didn’t exactly help it with the breakup. You were too passive. You should have taken charge of things because ultimately if you’ve been in a long relationship and you already wanted to marry her, you’ve been thinking about proposing to her, then she probably wouldn’t have said no to the prospect of marriage, potentially. Also, having kids. And she might be willing to take it slower with her career for the sake of having children, getting married, because that’s what most women want. So you didn’t help it for sure.

He then says: “This was almost two years ago. Now we have not spoken or even texted each other. I had thrown myself into my work and tried to move on. Now, to be honest, I never blocked her phone. I don’t do much social media so it’s not like I had to delete her or anything on there. I did unfollow her on my Facebook feed though just to be sure. So the only contact I would have had was by a messenger and nothing happened.

So two years long nothing happened. She probably was having fun she was probably dating other guys. Like you said. And everything was fine. So until that point, she doesn’t really care. She thinks that she made the right decision but eventually she has to come to terms with the fact that she didn’t make the best decision, because ultimately, as a woman you want to have a family, you want to have kids, you want the man who proposes. A lot of men are not even ready for commitment and so she probably realizes while time is running out, it seems you’re something like in your late 20s or so. So she doesn’t have that much time anymore. Maybe she’s realizing “Okay, I have to come back to the one man with whom it will work out. And with whom it has worked out for so long. I made a mistake. Time to rectify.

So he then says: “I did find out through mutual friends though that she had been dating someone new after a few months after our breakup, which was not too good for my ego, after we had been together for almost five years. And I was ready to marry her. I get that we broke up mutually because we couldn’t make our career goals align, but it’s still stung like a motherfucker finding out how easily she seemed to have moved on from the entire relationship. About a month ago I am watching TV in the lunchroom and I happened to catch that her company had just announced several rounds of layoffs coming. That they were outsourcing several positions overseas. I guess the lockdowns had gotten to her company. I had no idea if that would affect her or not.

Well, it seems like it did because now she’s back. So life is not that great anymore. Lockdowns have happened. She probably got laid off. Now she’s coming back. So things didn’t work out. Now she’s not feeling confident. Now she wants someone that she can rely on which is maybe you.

He then says: “Two weeks later out of the blue when I pick up my phone off the table I see she has sent me a message. Basically, the gist of the message was that she apologized for texting me and understood if I didn’t contact her back, but she was in town and really would like to catch up. I didn’t know what to make of it because I had just recently started dating someone new. It’s nothing very serious yet. We’re not even exclusive yet. We only had three dates so far but at least it feels like a big step for me because I just had a really hard time moving on and starting to open up to a new woman. It took me several failed dates with great women where I just wasn’t ready to date at all yet. But with this woman, I finally feel more stable to actually get back into a serious relationship.

So you have to ask yourself do you want to get back with your ex or not? It seems like she wants you back. That’s why she’s reaching out and she’s apologizing. She’s realizing she made a mistake. You have to ask yourself what’s more important? What’s better for your prospect? Is the other woman that you’re dating hotter? Smarter? Kinder? Compare. I know that’s not that fair to the other woman that you’re currently dating because you haven’t been dating her so long, but you have to obviously make your mind up of who can make you happier in the long term.

What if your ex in the future again decides that she wants to work on her career, or is not willing to compromise? So you have to realize that maybe you will get the same pattern again, and then at least you have to be willing to stand up, put your foot down, and say “Hey, no here’s what we’re gonna do. I need you to trust me on this. I’m going to work. You can still do your job but maybe not with such a demanding job.” Basically, you have to find compromises and you have to take charge of the relationship, unlike last time when you didn’t because that essentially was the reason why you broke up.

So he then says: “When I got the message from my ex, a part of me wanted to see her, but then part of me was not over her and honestly was never going to be over her. I texted back and we agreed to meet up on Saturday. We met up and we both seemed really happy to see each other. We talked for a good long time, mostly generic catch-up stuff. Well, we then got to the fact that she has been laid off. She was in the first round of cuts and she said she was moving back to our city. My heart kind of fluttered at this. We never ended on a bad note. We loved each other and to me, this was almost like a movie.

So you’re very happy. I just want to point out that you should be careful with the woman that you’re dating right now. You’re not exclusive with her but she might not be happy with it. So don’t lead her on. Or don’t give her the false expectations that it’s going somewhere, or that you’re soon going to be exclusive when you’re currently meeting up with your ex. I’m not saying that right now you’re doing something wrong. Not yet. But you’re kind of at the threshold where this could be in a gray area. So be careful so that you don’t fuck it up with the woman that you’re dating right now. And also you don’t want to be an emotional cheater. So keep in mind if you become more exclusive of the woman that you’re dating right, now something like this, meeting up with an ex, that’s something that you should communicate with her.

So he then says: “Then she tells me how much she has missed me and how hard it was to keep no contact. Again, great stuff. I’m eating it up. She then tells me that we left off in a bad way because it was like one of us died because we never stopped loving each other. I am happy as a clam at this point.

So she’s super emotional. She’s very clear saying “I want you back” and now it’s up to you to make a decision.

He says: “She asked me if I’m seeing anyone and I quickly told her no. She kind of smiled at that. I asked her what about her as I was…” Well, hang on! You are kind of seeing her… So you’re seeing someone, sort of. So you’re kind of hiding the girl that you’re seeing. That is a not cool thing to do. I would have just said “Yeah, I’m kind of seeing someone. Casually dating. But it’s nothing serious.” Yes, that’s what I would do. Don’t start off on the wrong foot. If you get back together you don’t want to get back together based on a lie. That’s not a good start.

So he then says: “She kind of smiled at that. I asked her about what about her as I was told that she was in a relationship relatively quickly. After we ended things, my friend said she looked very happy. She told me that things didn’t work out with him and that he wasn’t as great as she first had thought he seemed. This goes on for a while. In my mind, I already have us living together and me just proposing. Then she drops the bomb! She said it should be very obvious that she wants us to start seeing each other again and that she never stopped loving me and there was just one complication, and that this was a big one. And I might not want to see her.

So like I said: Something is not right. She’s back because something didn’t work out in her life.

So he says: “She said that her ex-boyfriend had cheated on her and that she caught HPV from him, after we stopped seeing each other, at about five to six months in. She wasn’t exactly sure and she started seeing someone in the city she was living. They saw each other for a few months and while it was never really serious emotionally, for her she got the STD from him.

So if you don’t know what is HPV, it is a sexually transmitted disease, but it’s not that dangerous. It’s not like HIV. So it’s curable. It is more dangerous for women. For men, it’s pretty much not dangerous at all, but for women, it’s also not dangerous but they get something like rashes, basically. So it seems obviously very scary to hear something like this but theoretically, it’s not a death sentence. It’s not as bad as other STDs. You can get vaccinated for it.

So if anyone’s wondering about this stuff, HPV, you can get vaccinated about this. I once dated a girl and that was a big mistake. I got HPV from her. I was in a relationship with her for a long time and you got to be careful who you date, even with your long-term relationships you can get STDs from your partners. It’s always a good idea to get yourself tested. Get your partner tested. Both of you should be tested when you date. You never know what you will catch, even from someone that you love. It’s a good thing that she told you.

So she then says: “My heart crashed faster than the Hindenburg.

I think the Hindenburg was… Hindenburg sounds German. I’m German. That must be a German something… Plane or something like that.

I sat there in stunned silence and I know my face had to look shocked. She said that honestly he was a rebound and it was a dumb thing to do, but she said she didn’t even know she had caught HPV until she started getting rashes down there and started questioning him.

Yeah, that’s what I said. For men, when you have the HPV virus, you actually don’t really know because there are no physical symptoms. Whereas women do get physical symptoms. So like what I said before: That girl that I dated before a long, long time ago, I got HPV from her. I didn’t know it. Then I started dating a new woman and she then got rashes and she actually thought that I had cheated on her when I didn’t have cheated on her. I just didn’t know that I got HPV from her. Again, always be sure to go to the doctor regularly after a relationship, or after sex to make sure you’re tested. For yourself and also for the woman that you’re dating.

So he then says: “She said she could tell by the look on my face to the fact that I wasn’t saying anything to her that her hopes of us getting back together were obviously not going to happen. I told her that this was a lot of stuff to process. I had barely gone on a few failed dates since we split up, except for the girl I started seeing recently, and that’s of course no fault of hers. I just wasn’t ready and now she comes back into my life after all this time.

So she was having a good time. Then she wasn’t happy with the relationship, she wasn’t happy with the terms, breaks up, takes other guys, goes after her career, and now after things aren’t going right, she comes back after the longest time ever. You have to ask yourself is she worth it? Are you willing to take her back? Like I said: You’re saying it here.

He said: “I had to do some thinking. I mean there is a lot to take into consideration here. So after doing a bit of research I found out HPV is actually not like HIV and so on. It’s a curable STD. So I guess my shock during our dinner was understandable, but in a way not justified. I actually asked her about it and she said she had already gotten it treated and got vaccinated against it. So it won’t happen again in the future and of course, it would be smartest for me also to get vaccinated against HPV, just to be double safe.

So yes, like I said: It’s not the end of the relationship. You could still date her and you wouldn’t even get anything from her. I think if she’s vaccinated, also it just means that you can’t even receive it. Even if you would get it, theoretically, if you would never ever date any other woman it wouldn’t matter, I think (as a man) but that’s not that’s no health advice. Just double-check with your doctor. But you could date her. Everything is fine in terms of the STD. She made a mistake, she dated the wrong guy, and she’s really regretting it, probably. So that’s why she wants to get back with you because she’s like “Fuck why did I ever date this guy?! I made such a huge mistake! My ex of four or five years was such a great guy! I made the mistake of breaking up with him and let’s try again,” which she’s doing right now.

So he says: “So I am at a crossroads. I can jump right back into this with the girl I have loved and never stopped loving for the majority of my adult life, but she kind of came out of nowhere, and there’s still the girl I started dating recently. Do I take this as the slap in the face I needed to let this relationship go and start dating around, or should I give it another chance? Man, I never expected that when she came back that I’d be so confused. I am really torn and would like some advice from you. Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

Yeah, so obviously it really sucks. You don’t know what to do. You have to ask yourself who can make you happier? And if I look at your situation with your ex, there weren’t any big problems from what I can tell. Obviously, you broke up because of career differences. Sometimes you just go in different directions in your life, especially when you’re younger and you can’t make things work, but ultimately you were for the most part compatible. It doesn’t sound like you had a lot of fighting. It also doesn’t sound like you ended the relationship in a bad way with a lot of fighting or resentment. So you must be good communicators. You must be working quite well with each other.

Now you both got some experience about what you want. She realized this is not what I wanted. The career is not that important to me. The guys out there are shit and okay, it didn’t work out for her, she got laid off, now she’s back in your city. So she’s very vulnerable. That’s also why she’s reaching out. So it might feel a little bit like she’s using you but well that’s just what it is, you know, once the woman doesn’t feel stable anymore she comes back to her safe haven, her anchor, where she can feel safe, which clearly is you. That’s why she’s back. So you just have to ask yourself is she worth the hassle? Is she worth it breaking up? What about the other girl?

My take would be: I would probably take her back because things were pretty good with her for the most part with your relationship. You have five years history. So my assumption is if you know how to communicate well and you make sure that everything is safe with the HPV vaccination, you get back together and I can guarantee you probably after one to two years, you’re probably ready to get married again. Now, it’s obviously also possible for this to happen with the other girl, but why would you take that risk? You don’t even know her that well yet, even though you are comfortable with her now and you kind of moved on, you probably have more to gain by getting back with your ex.

So that would be my advice for you but ultimately it’s up to you. Like I said I would probably backtrack the relationship and see okay, how often did we fight? How compatible were we? How many things did we not get along with? Was the work the only thing or were there other issues that you didn’t mention here? And it sounds maybe a little bit unromantic but you have to have a pro and cons list about who’s the better fit for you long term. I’m guessing you’re getting older as well, so you want to make the right choice. That’s my advice for you. I hope that was helpful. Give me a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.

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