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Why is my ex hot and cold with me? What about no contact mixed signals? Emotional unavailability?!

Dec 12, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? Today we’re gonna talk about hot and cold. So as most of you know, obviously, breakups are extremely complicated and if you look at statistics of who typically breaks up, it’s actually women who more often initiate a breakup. Probably, most of you who are coming to my channel are actually men. If I look at my statistics, 90% roughly of you are men. So clearly, it’s mostly the men who are distraught after a breakup. Because the woman who breaks up often, what happens is, the woman actually realizes I made a mistake. “Maybe I do want him back” and so then she becomes hot and cold. She comes back. She pulls away. She says she misses you. She says she loves you. But she’s not ready for a relationship. And so on so forth. You know the drill. This is why you clicked on this video. So I have a situation from a guy who’s going through exactly this situation and let’s see what is my advice for him.

So he says: “Hi coach, I noticed something that is bothering me. I wonder why our exes who leave are so hot and cold? I am 28 and my ex left me about four months ago after being together for three and a half years. There have been multiple reasons for the breakup and we’ve talked on and off since then.

So obviously, three and a half years is a long time. That means you’ve built a lot of attachment. You’ve bonded a lot. Attachment theory suggests that the longer that we stay together, the more we become enmeshed with the person. It’s like that person becomes a part of your life, of your soul, of everything that makes up your daily routine. So obviously, the closer you get, the harder the breakups become. So three and a half years, that tells me that this ex-girlfriend of yours, she must be very attached to you and you are also very attached to her. So that’s also probably why your ex is very confused after the breakup. Because she probably thought you know, the grass is greener on the other side. But actually, often the grass is not that cleaner.

She thinks “you don’t make me happy so I’m going to find happiness from someone else,” and probably while you were in the relationship, she already got attention from other men and she’s starting to like it. And she’s considering “well, he’s not giving me the attention that I crave, but other men are giving it to me and I’m just not happy anymore. I wake up next to him and we have a lot of fights,” and so on. And eventually, she breaks up. But she also has to face the reality that it was not that great. The decision to break up actually is quite hurtful and just because she’s not happy with you in the moment doesn’t mean that she will be happier without you after the breakup.

So he then says: “What I don’t get is that she, a 25-year-old woman, told me that she loves me but then says she’s really confused and not in a good place for a relationship, which I understand and I’m cool with it and I’ve been supportive and kept my distance but then she texts me stuff like ‘she loves me and misses me’ but she can’t come back yet. Then a week later she says stuff like ‘she left because she wasn’t ready and isn’t sure if she will ever be ready and wants me to find the love she can’t give me’ but then proceeds to tell me how all the dudes who hit her up, don’t do or say the stuff that I would say and she ends up turning them down because of it.

So she’s letting you directly know, look I’m dating other people. She’s trying to basically not lose you. She broke up but she’s regretting it and you can see a difference between the two of you. She’s dating, you are not dating. So she is getting attention from other men but she’s also getting attention from you. You are probably only trying to seek her attention. What you should be doing is, you should also do the same thing. Start dating other women and when she tells you “I miss you, I love you but I’m not ready for it“… Yeah, she’s not ready for the relationship with you. Right now she’s very confused and she clearly doesn’t want to let go of you yet. She might even think that it was a mistake.

That’s clearly why she’s still talking to you because she’s afraid that if she doesn’t talk to you, if she doesn’t tell you these things, you’re going to move on or you’re going to find someone else. Which is exactly the reason why you actually should start dating and not seek so much attention from her. Because clearly, she’s the one who currently has all the power in this situation. And if you just keep on chasing her further, and further, she will never feel like she’s losing you. She broke up with you but she still gets the validation and the security that she can come back to you at any moment. She needs to understand that if she doesn’t make a decision to get back together with you, or at least go on dates with you again, you’re gonna find someone else.

So he then says: “She says I was perfect, and amazing, and supportive, and I’ve set the bar incredibly high for what she expects out of a man and apologizes a lot for how things ended.

You must be feeling pretty dumb because she’s telling you all of these things but she doesn’t want to be with you. So like I said, she just is telling you what you want to hear so that you don’t move on. She’s trying to keep your hopes up while she’s trying to make up her mind.

So he says: “Personally, I don’t get it. How can you want someone and love someone but choose to leave them and the relationship that you said was amazing? Letting out my frustration has been long overdue, otherwise, I’d probably text her.

Yeah, it is like I said. She’s quite confused. She’s basically emotionally unavailable. She doesn’t really know what is the right course of action. She’s trying to figure out “should I get back with you or do I keep dating the guys?” that she’s probably already dating right now. Like she said we don’t know how serious these situations are but she clearly isn’t really happy with them. So she’s kind of regretting, most likely, that she broke up with you. But she’s not really ready yet to get back with you. She’s also not ready to get together with some other guy because clearly, something is missing. So it’s basically a challenge. It’s a battle of who wins the game. Who has more strength? More confidence? Who gives her the security that she craves?

A woman who trusts discovers her lust. Obviously, after the breakup, she doesn’t trust you anymore, but she also does not trust the other guys that she’s seeing. So obviously, during three and a half years of a relationship, there is a lot of trust that can be established. Surely there must have also be some trust that has been broken most likely. You didn’t really mention why you broke up but ultimately it’s much easier to build on top of all of the trust that you already have compared to all of the other guys who don’t have that trust established yet. So really, all you have to do is not be insecure. Not chase her. Show her that you’re not afraid to lose her. Because right now she’s trying to figure out who is the better choice. You or the other guys?

And right now she probably feels like whichever direction she will go it’s the wrong direction. Clearly, the guys that she’s dating are not making her happy, not the right thing. She’s not ready for that. Very emotionally unavailable! It seems like the wrong choice. But at the same time she’s scared that if she goes back to your relationship, whatever went wrong in the past or didn’t make her happy, it will just repeat. So clearly, you have to change your behavior and show her that you’re not going to repeat the same behavior.

So he then says: “I know I should give her space and continue to move on… Also, the answers I usually get from her are ‘I don’t know’ or ‘maybe’ or ‘I’m not sure’ which just leaves me really confused.

Obviously! But there’s a problem that I see in this sentence here. So I always make it a habit to remind you to unleash the king within. See yourself as the prize. As the king! And the problem is it sounds to me that you are the one who’s chasing her and you’re also the one who’s trying to get answers. You’re literally saying it here. It leaves you wanting for more answers. Like I don’t know… Maybe you’re not. I’m not sure. So you’re trying to figure out “hey do you actually want to get back together?” That is the wrong approach! What you should just do is hang out with her. You should just facilitate dates to happen, so she messages you.

And she says “I miss you or I love you“… Clearly, it shows you that she still cares about you. I wouldn’t try to figure out “hey are we going to get back together?” I would just say “yeah I miss you too. I love you too. Hey, why don’t we go to that Sunday food market, that food court that is open every weekend?” or something like that. I don’t know what you both like. Invite her to something to spend time together for her to see it’s safe to be around you. And ultimately, if you have a lot of connection, a lot of trust already from your previous relationship, it’s going to be relatively easy to just seduce her and then you don’t have to ask her for “hey are we going to get back together?

It’s just going to happen. You should just facilitate it with your actions to get back together. And the one thing that you should stop doing is to give her so much attention and validation. Clearly, she’s trying to figure out do I keep dating you? Do I get back to the relationship or do I date the other guys? And so clearly, if you just keep on giving her more attention, she essentially doesn’t need to move on. She can date these other guys and there’s no consequence. She will never be afraid to lose you because she feels like you’re always there no matter what happens. So when she tells you “I miss you, I love you” and so on and she tells you all of these things like these other guys are not making her happy and so on, well, I wouldn’t even go too much into this. I wouldn’t even talk much about it. You have to be very stoic about it and just go on with your life.

Focus on you. What makes you a king? Unleash the king within. Your career, your purpose, your goals, your hobbies, your passion. Start dating other women. And she needs to feel that you’re slowly drifting away from her so that she has to realize “Okay, you know what? I don’t just need to be hot and cold so that he doesn’t move on. I also need to take some action!” And clearly what she’s doing is, she’s pulling away whenever you are pushing. So she needs to stop pulling away when you’re trying to pin her down, and so first of all, stop trying to pin her down. And don’t chase so much, as I said.

He then says: “I really want to make things work with her. We keep on talking about our relationship. Then she always pulls back but a while later she comes back again. What the fuck?!

Like I said: You keep talking about the relationship. That is the exact problem. You think that if you’re just going to talk long enough about the relationship it’s going to resolve itself but it’s not going to resolve itself. It’s only going to resolve itself if you seduce her again. Then you have a good time. And you don’t even have to talk about your problems initially. You just have a good time again, you spend time together, maybe you move in with her again, I don’t know what your relationship was but probably you lived together for three and a half years. And eventually, then you bring up the problems and you talk about them without conflict. Without being angry. Without accusing the other person of doing something wrong. It’s just about how you feel. And you can then re-establish and build healthy relationship habits without having to talk about it before you even get back together.

So he then wraps it up saying: “She doesn’t make any sense. On one side it gives me a lot of hope when she tells me that she misses me. On the other hand, she always crushes my hopes. It has become really depressing lately and not good for my mental health.

Well, yeah. You’re trying to look for signs to get back together. You’re getting your hopes up too much. You have too many expectations. You should just have that expectation as if you have never met her before in your life. Imagine if you’re dating a new woman. Would you be questioning “are we gonna be a couple?” No, you’re just gonna go on dates. You’re gonna have fun. Eventually, you’re gonna seduce her and by that time you already know that probably eighty percent of the time you’re going to be a couple because you can already feel it’s going in the right direction. But you are seeking for all of these signs that it’s going to work out. You should just like I said make it happen naturally. And this is a problem of trying to take too much action, as you can see.

And one thing that you have to understand is action to gain attraction will rarely lead to satisfaction. So what that means is you think that by taking more action and talking about the relationship it’s going to pull her closer to you. You’re going to prove to her that you’ve changed and whatever didn’t work out. You can rectify it. But that’s not really what she wants. She doesn’t need to see with your words that you’ve changed. She needs to see that with your actions. You cannot convince a woman with your words that you’re the perfect guy and look I’m the only option out there. Because there are other guys also who take action, who show her “this guy is nice! I like him!” and the only way how a woman sees that you’re not the right choice is actually by the wrong actions. So how did you break up in your relationship?

Obviously, because you did some things that weren’t right. Maybe you said some things that were wrong, but ultimately, even if you say something, these things are actions. So something that you did, didn’t work out, right? Maybe you didn’t give her attention. Maybe you retreated when you had fights. Maybe you didn’t listen properly. Maybe you were too busy with work. There were some actions that caused the breakup to happen and now you’re thinking “that I’m going to take action with words and that’s going to fix it!” No, that’s not going to fix it. What is going to fix it is for her to come back. Give her the space.

As I said, don’t even go too much into these things. Like all of these guys… You can even tell her “Hey, I don’t want to hear about these guys that you’re seeing. Sorry. And I’m also seeing other girls. So maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.” And then eventually, whenever she tells you these things “I miss you. I love you,” then just meet up with her. Hang out. Make out. Let the lion out. And with let the lion out, I mean, you know, release the Kraken, basically. The way that we bond is with oxytocin. So the best way to bond with your ex again is by having sex with her. Seducing her. Because that way it’s the easiest way to pin her down, instead of trying to talk about the relationship. No. Use hormones. We are wired for this.

So I hope that was helpful. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. What’s your advice for him or your thoughts of the situation? Of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to the channel, if you want more dating and breakup advice like this. And as always, don’t forget to unleash the king within. I’ll see all of you kings soon.

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