Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up, kings? It’s Andy Graziosi, helping you unleash your confidence. Grab your favorite beverage. Today we’re gonna talk about insecurities and the reality that if an ex blocks you, or in general, if your girlfriend blocks you, most of the time it really has to do with you. There are very few cases where a woman would just block you. I mean why would you block someone unless either you are really in pain, you can’t see that person, or number two, that person just has done something that really annoyed you. So it’s all about being a king. It’s about unleashing the king within. You have to have self-control with women, or otherwise, women are going to run away from you. They’re going to block you. They’re going to be turned off. So I have a situation from a fairly young guy. I don’t know his exact age but he must be roughly in his 20s. 20. 21. 22 maybe and he has an ex-girlfriend and things didn’t work out. So well so let’s get into his situation.
So he starts off by saying: “We had a long-distance relationship for a year, but we never met in person. She had to tell her parents first but never could and then she broke up with me for not meeting and a few other things, such as I became very attached and needy.”
So it’s important to understand that this relationship was actually not that serious yet. You are very young. You’re in your 20s and we’re gonna get into this later on… This girl is 20 as well. So it’s not that serious. It’s long-distance. It feels very serious to you because you probably haven’t had many relationships yet but the reality is that it can get much more serious in relationships. So that’s kind of a bit of a perspective that you need to have.
So he then says: “The thing is that we did indeed meet afterward because I talked with her and she gave me a chance, laughing my ass off, and she wanted me to see her.”
So you say “she wanted me to see her“… the question is did she want to see you, or did she want you to see her? That’s a huge difference because if she wanted you to see her, maybe she just gave in to whatever happened with you. Maybe you’ve been asking too much for it, eventually, she was like fine let’s meet up. It’s a big difference if she wants to meet up with you, if she wants to see you, if she really craves for you. It’s a huge difference because that means she’s really into you.
So he then says: “So I went but nothing happened and that’s when I really messed up. I was with her for five days but I was really depressed and cried more than I’ve ever done in my life. She acknowledged that I changed the things she told me but still didn’t feel anything for me.”
Well, the reason why she didn’t feel anything for you are two reasons. One, I think you probably know this: You have been really depressed and you cried in front of her. It’s not very sexy. That’s not what she was expecting. Number one: You didn’t seem like a king you seemed very needy, very weak, and obviously, a woman wants to be taken care of by her man. But she probably felt like she has to take care of you in that instance, and then the second thing is “and nothing happened in five days!” So that means you got to spend five days together.
I don’t know if that means you didn’t even kiss her, you didn’t make out, you didn’t cuddle, you definitely didn’t have sex, I assume. So that doesn’t give her confidence in your confidence. It doesn’t give her confidence that you can take action, that you can take the lead in the relationship and seduce her. She wants that if she would be into you. Obviously, you screwed up so there are two issues here. One, you didn’t take charge, you didn’t show her confidently that you want her, and then on top of that, you also showed her “Hey I’m really insecure. I’m crying. I’m depressed.” I don’t know why you were depressed if it was because of her, but you shouldn’t show that to her, of course.
So he then says: “I also begged a lot and on the last day she got really mad and didn’t even want to keep on being friends. She also said some unfair things like she didn’t like how I was in person. What the fuck was she expecting from me at the time? I had never felt that bad before. I didn’t even have an appetite those days.”
Well, that is not really unfair though. She expects you to be at your best and it’s not her fault if you’re super depressed and you’re feeling really bad whatever the reason was. You shouldn’t put that out on your woman. So to give you an example: If you are in a long-term relationship and you’re feeling really stressed at work, imagine if you put that stress out on her. You’re easily irritated and just because there’s something going on in your life how you feel about yourself, you let it out on your woman. She’s gonna feel like shit and that is not her fault. And there’s nothing unfair about this. Of course, she needs to have some understanding of how you’re feeling but at the end of the day, a woman wants to be with a strong man.
She wants to be with a man who has self-control, who has his life in control and has his emotions under control. So that’s why she wasn’t into you and even though she said that she saw some things that changed within you… So clearly, she thought that something has improved. Whatever it was that didn’t work out in the past there are a lot of other things that don’t make her happy or that don’t really show her that you have what it takes to make her happy to be strong, to be her foundation, her rock, that she can stand on when things don’t work out. So that’s a big issue. There’s nothing unfair about that.
He then says: “She didn’t block me at first and we kind of agreed to not talk for like a year but then I reached out after a week telling her that I missed her and then she blocked me.”
So of course, that is kind of very non-congruent. You both agree let’s not talk, let’s not meet, whatever, let’s give some space essentially. And then right after a week, you message her again. I don’t know how unhinged you were. If you were very insecure, it sounds to me you’ve been begging already when you saw her, and then you agree hey let’s have some space… That would have been the perfect time to cool down, for her to relax a little bit, and for her to get some perspective. She likes you but you screwed up a little bit. But hey! Everyone screws up every once in a while but then you just make it worse by messaging again and now she feels like this is too much. I don’t know why she blocked you but it seems to me that she blocked you because she felt very smothered. She felt like she can’t live her own life. She feels like you can’t respect her wishes. And so she thinks the only thing she can do is block you. I don’t know what you said but there probably was something that made her feel very uneasy.
So he then says: “Then a week after that, I sent her a big message telling her how she hurt me because she did a lot of bad things too. It wasn’t mean or anything. She responded with some stupid stickers and told me to stop playing the victim. I got mad and told her to grow up and then blocked her from Whatsapp and Twitter, plus deleted her from all the platforms.”
Well, I think you are kind of playing the victim. I don’t know what happened here but she seems very calm. She’s very much in control of her own emotions but you seem to be the one who’s not in control of your emotions. Okay, she hurt you but I wouldn’t rub that in her face. If someone hurts you, the worst thing that you can do is just basically let them know: “Hey, you hurt me.” Typically, what you do is you get some space, they actually realize that they hurt you because they know that they hurt you. They’re not stupid. They know exactly what they’ve done, and eventually, they’re probably going to reach out, and then either you reconcile, or you tell them you’re not ready to reconcile because they hurt you. It’s in that moment when you just acknowledge “Hey here’s how I felt about this. This was really painful“…
Then it’s not malicious. I think even though you didn’t say anything mean, it felt like it was mean to her. It felt like you were attacking her. If you would just let her come to you and then tell her “This is how I felt back then” she would just acknowledge this and she would probably say “Yeah I’m sorry how I did this. I’m sorry that I hurt you so much. I really screwed up. I shouldn’t have done that.” So and so forth and then she wouldn’t be in a defensive position because she’s the one who reached out because she already knew she did something wrong and then when you point that out, she will probably just acknowledge it, but you reaching out and saying “Hey this is how you hurt me…”
What do you want to get out of this? It’s basically just to get a reaction. It’s basically to see: “Hey, are you going to feel bad about yourself?” It’s essentially sort of a manipulative technique, in a way. You’re basically hoping that she acknowledges this and that you get back to power. But the only way how you can get back power is if you just ignore her. Let her do her own thing. You do your own thing. You focus on yourself, being a king, and that’s all you can do for the time.
So he then says: “Finally, I sent her a message on Instagram 10 days after the last one, apologizing for my reaction to the breakup and told her that I understand her and I will give her space. She responded with something like we won’t talk ever again and blocked me.”
Well, again, it’s kind of non-congruent. You are literally messaging her and telling her “I’m gonna give you some space” again, you’re hoping to get something out of this. There’s nothing wrong with apologizing when you did something wrong but I think you already overstepped your boundaries. It went too far already. She probably knows that she did something wrong and again the right time to apologize would probably be when she reaches out to you again. As I said, it’s not congruent. You’re telling her “Hey I’m gonna give you space” but it’s exactly in that time when you reach out to her. So she probably feels “This is just full of shit” and also, in general, right now she has had enough of you. She just doesn’t want to hear from you again, even if it’s an apology she just doesn’t care about it at this moment in time. So it just makes it worse, essentially. Yeah, maybe over time she will realize “okay you acknowledged your mistakes” but it’s really important:
Do not message her ever again. No matter what happens. I don’t even know how you can message her. You must be blocked everywhere by now. I hope so, that you don’t message her on any other platform anymore. Just let it go now. You have to give her real space and don’t try to get any reactions out of her because that way she’s gonna feel really uncomfortable. She’s going to feel that you’re trying to pressure her, trying to get a reaction out of her. You want her to say something. Commit to something. Do something. Make it right. Apologize for how she hurt you. Get together again. Reach out again. Message again. Have a relationship again. Be friends again. Communicate regularly. There’s something you have, some agenda, and she can feel that and so she feels really pressured because of this.
So he then says: “I have been in no contact since then two weeks, but I don’t know what to expect.”
So he sent me this message maybe one month ago, so it’s been probably two months roughly now that he has been in no contact and he says: “I think I might have pushed her too far away to the point she won’t ever come back. She probably ain’t dating anyone so soon because I was her first relationship. She’s 20 and she’s quite shy and doesn’t go out a lot.”
Yeah, so it was long-distance. It’s kind of typical when you’re younger maybe you have an online relationship but you shouldn’t neglect that she can meet other guys. She’s a woman! I don’t know how attractive she is but I mean, there’s a lot of simps, even on the internet. If she’s on TikTok or whatever, I don’t know what you guys play at 20… What games. But there’s always guys hitting on girls, even if they’re not that hot, because if she hasn’t had that many boyfriends, if you’re both kind of a little bit insecure, shy, not so extroverted, well, that means that you’re all just in that same league. So whatever, everyone who’s in that league currently, they’re gonna reach out to her. They’re gonna try to hit on her. Maybe she’s gonna level up her league eventually. She’s gonna become more extroverted.
You as well maybe and then she meets more guys in real life who hit on her. But I wouldn’t expect or assume that there are no guys that she could date. She could easily be dating someone right now. We don’t know sure. She’s shy. She’s introverted. But that doesn’t stop her from finding someone that she finds cute, that she likes, who knows how to talk to her, make her feel happy, whatever it is that she cares about. And so you should have some realistic expectations about this.
So he then says: “Ironically, she was the quiet one when we were getting to know each other. We would play some games online and she would be that quiet when someone else was with us. And to give some more context, she kinda chased for a long time until I got closer to her. She would text me a lot and I wouldn’t really care. I liked her and I knew she had a crush on me but I didn’t really care much. Our relationship was good in my opinion.”
Yeah, so until then it seems like everything was fine. You actually were not that invested, but then eventually you became insecure. Maybe you became insecure once it was a long-distance relationship and you started feeling that you actually have something to lose. So if you don’t feel grounded, if you don’t feel strong enough, you feel like there are so many things that you’re lacking, then it is obvious that you feel that if you lose a woman, you’re gonna lose everything. But the truth is there should be more things in your life than just a woman. That’s probably why you felt that way.
So he then says: “She would say that I treated her like a queen. That she could be herself with me. That I was the love she always dreamt of and waited for, and all that. Our connection was deep and real and we had a lot of things in common and we even planned our lives together.”
So there’s a good thing and a bad thing, actually, here. So you treated her like a queen… Basically, you were a nice guy. Excuse me, I’m just gonna drink something. I got my covid shot and my booster shot. I’m feeling a bit sick. So you probably treated her a little bit too nice. There’s nothing wrong with treating a woman like a queen. Obviously, every woman wants to be cherished. Every woman wants to see that a man cares about her. Every woman wants to be with a man who makes time for her, who knows how to listen, who knows how to be affectionate and be there in the moment with her. Presence leads to passion! It’s only natural. The problem with treating a woman like a queen is if you don’t treat yourself like a king. So the mistake that a lot of men make is that they see themselves not as a king, but rather as sort of a peasant. So she’s a queen. She’s up here and instead of you being equals with her, that’s basically what kings and queens are! They are equals. We both treat each other equally amazingly, but we also hold each other accountable when we screw up.
But I think what you’ve been doing probably is you’ve been putting yourself down somewhere here. So you treated her like a queen. She’s on a pedestal but you don’t see yourself on the same level. That’s how it feels to me. That’s how it sounds to me. You should never treat a woman too nicely. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be nice to a woman. Of course, you have to be nice to a woman. Otherwise, she’s gonna just run away. She’s gonna be like “who the fuck is this dick?! Okay, this guy is much nicer to me. I’m gonna have sex with this guy!” It’s natural. It makes sense.
But if you are too nice, then she’s gonna feel kind of insecure because she feels like she can manipulate you, and if she can deceive, she’s going to leave. There are studies that show that women don’t want to be with a man that they feel they can manipulate because they want to be with someone who can take care of them. And if you are too nice to her, she knows that she can basically just wrap you around her finger. Whatever happens, she can have you. She can get some favors from you. Errands. You’re going to do something for her that you might not even want to do because maybe you’re busy with school or maybe it’s just inconvenient. But she’s going to ask you for it and you’re going to treat her like a queen. An opposite example of someone who sees himself as a king is let’s say, for example, you are at a coffee shop with your girlfriend and she needs some help with something…
Maybe you are very techy. I’m a very techy guy. So I’m always the guy people go for help with tech stuff, with laptops and software and all that stuff. So maybe my girlfriend would ask me “Hey babe I need some help with this. I don’t know why this is not working” and I will help her, of course! But what if I’m currently busy? What if I have a super busy deadline? Then I can’t help her and I can’t prioritize her over me. The only thing I could do in this moment is I could say “Hey babe, I’m really sorry. I have to finish this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t help you with this. Can this wait? I will help you with this in two hours. Or I will help you with this in the evening when we get back from work when we’re home.” Something like this. You have to prioritize your needs just as much as you have to prioritize hers. And sometimes you actually have to prioritize your needs above hers.
So anyway he then says: “She did some wrong things but I am open to giving her a chance. I am also improving myself, whilst she won’t. So I will outgrow her in the long run for sure. I can live without her but I value what we had and I don’t know if she will ever come back even though that logic tells me that she will.”
Well, there are some contradictions here. Number one: You don’t know if she won’t work on herself. How do you know that? Is it because she broke up with you so, you have an incentive to work on yourself? Sure that is true but hey, who knows? You’re not with her right now. You don’t know what she’s up to. Maybe she’s really focused on herself. Maybe she wants to figure out what went wrong. Maybe she is reflecting on what didn’t work with you. Maybe she’s reflecting on why did she date someone like you that obviously didn’t make her happy? And maybe she wants to find someone else. You don’t know if she’s not also improving. It’s obviously good that you’re improving but you shouldn’t make the assumption that she won’t grow and then on the other side also, there’s a contradiction here: It doesn’t make sense if you think that she won’t grow but you’re going to grow so much. Why would you want to have her back? That doesn’t make sense.
So I don’t think that you honestly believe that she won’t grow. I don’t believe that you believe that you’re outgrowing her because honestly if you would outgrow her that much, you wouldn’t want to be with her. You would want to be with a woman who is on your level. As I said, we always level up our game. As we get older… You’re both 20 roughly right now. So right now you’re probably very low with your game, with what you want in life, of knowing what you want in life. So as you grow, as you grow 25, as you grow 30, as you grow 35, you’re going to learn a lot of new things about what you want in your life and what you accept in your life. And so you’re probably going to date multiple women. You don’t know if you’re going to spend your life with her forever and so of course, as you grow more, you want a better woman. So why would you want this woman if you think that you’re outgrowing her? It doesn’t make sense.
So you need to reflect on do you actually really want her or not? So you have to ask yourself well if you are actually growing a lot well, what is the minimum level that she needs to have as a person to have the same level of growth? Are you kind of too far away in your lives and how you see the world and how you see your life and how you live your life. And here is a little bit of a truth bomb. You probably don’t want to hear this but even though you are of course focused on yourself, I honestly believe that she probably is a little bit higher on the ladder right now because I think she felt that you’re a little bit immature. So I think, you think that she did a lot of things wrong but I have a feeling she didn’t do that many things wrong. You just didn’t realize how you were making her feel uncomfortable.
So probably you were kind of like this. This is her. You were here and now you’re probably getting on the same level. So you don’t know if she also moved ahead as well. So I wouldn’t assume that you are going to upgrade that much but if you are upgrading that much, why would you want her? Because she clearly didn’t want you when she was kind of apart. You were kind of apart. You were very insecure and she didn’t like that. She wanted you to be on the same level, so you have to get to at least the same level. Both of you. And then if you get farther apart again, maybe she’s not the right one for you.
So he then wraps it up by saying: “Should I have some hope, forget her forever, or what? Because she seemed very sure about not wanting to be with me ever again. She may be too arrogant to admit she made a mistake. I also have a list of the things that I don’t want if she comes back. So it’s not like I would accept her right away, keeping all that in mind, did I screw up for good or is it still a chance? I will keep no contact for good now and it is helping me a lot. I wish I knew what I know now.”
All right, well, so I gotta first take a sip. Well, first of all, never say never! You don’t know that she won’t be back ever. Even though she said she’s never gonna get back with you, you’re both young, both probably a little bit impulsive. You probably both don’t think your decisions through so much and even as you get older it’s not like we become wise smart geniuses, who always make the right choices. It’s just not realistic. I am 32 years old now and I still make mistakes because I am a human being and I have emotions and sometimes I don’t think things through properly, or I only realized that I made mistakes after I made the mistake. It’s just human nature. So she might think that well, right now she doesn’t want anything to do with you but give it some time and she might be back. It’s a good thing that you’re doing no contact! Keep it up. Focus on yourself, never message her ever again.
If she’s too arrogant to admit that she made some mistakes as well, why would you want her back? You shouldn’t be with a woman who can’t accept her flaws and the things that she did wrong. What you should do is wait for her to reach out to you again and that could take a long time and so what you should do is not be focused on her. Don’t wait for her to come back because first of all, maybe she will never come back. Number two: Maybe it’s going to take her a long time. Honestly, sometimes you reconnect with an ex after a year, two years, I mean heck! I had exes reach out to me like after four years or something like that when you just don’t expect them to come back because they miss you. But they didn’t miss you for a long time or they didn’t think that it’s worthwhile to pursue the relationship, but sometimes couples get back together after a long time. There are actually some interesting studies about this.
So you never know when they come back but the worst thing that you could do is to wait for them to come back because if you do that, then obviously you can’t grow. So I think you’re on the right track right now with no contact, working on yourself, being clear on what you don’t want and you should take this also into the future with other women, so if it doesn’t work out with her or maybe if you find another woman you can communicate this with other women as well. And I think the thing that you need to work on is communicating your needs, but also how you feel without being too emotional. So for example, if you felt very desperate before right? You were kind of begging with her, you could express how you feel about this that you don’t feel secure around her in a more normal way. You don’t have to beg really crazy.
You can just say: “Hey babe I don’t feel so good about when you’re not messaging me or I don’t feel so good when you don’t give me attention.” I don’t know what it was but it’s about expressing your needs in a healthy way that’s not threatening. It’s really just showing that you know what you want. It’s actually healthy. It’s actually mature. It’s actually sexy when we can express our vulnerabilities and our emotions. Very concisely. Very clearly. And just very clearly express “this is what I need from you” because a lot of men actually can’t do that. The men treat their women like a queen but they see themselves as peasants, they are too scared to express what they need and they probably express it if ever, once it explodes and then they express it in a really mean way. And that’s not the right way to go.
So just keep going on with your life. Keep on doing no contact and if she comes back then you can express this, of course, but don’t be confrontational and don’t try to basically get back into a relationship. Just meet up with her and then what you should do is, well, last time you spent five days together and you didn’t seduce her. So this time, stop talking about all of these issues, all of your insecurities, or whatever. About the relationship or things that didn’t work out. First, make her horny. Have a good time. Have fun. Laugh. Joke around. You know, tease her a little bit, and then eventually you lead her to the bedroom, and even if you are maybe still too shy or too young to seduce her take it as far as you can. Eventually, you’re gonna get exactly where you want to go and she’s gonna like it and then you are probably going to end up in a relationship. So that was my final advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.