In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about a big mistake that a lot of men make with women. Whether it’s with an ex or a new woman that you’ve been dating… And that problem is over-pursuit. Chasing a woman too much never works. And why does that not work? Well, the reason why that doesn’t work is because of the phrase that I say all the time:
If she can deceive she is going to leave. There are studies, actually, that women do not want to be with a man that they can manipulate. And so for example, if you look at alpha males, the men who get most of the women, this has also been studied, the men who are the most masculine and the most alpha male, they get the most women.
And why do they get the most women? Because they are not exclusive with them. They have so many options and so because of that because they are not exclusive with women, women who are really hot actually want to nail this man down. He’s like a price. She wants to win him. She wants to tame him. She wants to win the king. It’s all about unleashing the king within and so if you are not a king, if you don’t value yourself, and if you chase a woman too much, that shows to a woman that she can manipulate you.
She can basically use you and if she can tell that she can use you, that shows her you’re not an alpha male. You’re not one of these guys who can have any woman he wants. You can’t just jump from another woman to another woman.
I’m not saying that you should just jump from one woman to another woman but the bottom line is you need to have choices. That’s what makes a king. So in today’s video, we’re going to do something a little bit different than usual.
I got a message from a guy and he sent me some screenshots, and I want to look at some ways of how he is over pursuing too much. And one thing that I noticed with his messages, in particular, is that I think a lot of guys make this mistake, that they think that they need to convince a woman to be with them.
And so a lot of guys think of ways of what they can say. Of some smart tactics or a smart message to send. And the idea is basically that you have to become a snakey old salesman. But the thing is that doesn’t make sense with dating. If you think about it you’re not trying to sell yourself, or rather you don’t have to sell yourself.
So if you are a snakey old car salesman who needs to sell his cars, just so that he makes money… He really has to! But if you are a king in dating, you don’t mind if you don’t get that woman. You don’t mind if you don’t make that sale. You don’t care if you don’t close her. If you don’t seduce her, if you don’t get her to go on a date with you it doesn’t matter.
You can always find another woman and that is the mindset that you need to have. It’s not about finding the right things to say. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important that you think about what you’re going to say, of course, and you shouldn’t send silly messages that don’t make sense, that are counterproductive, but it’s also a lot about valuing yourself. And if a woman is just not into you then stop pursuing her.
Alright, so let’s get right into his message. Let me just drink something. I might have the virus that’s going around. Not sure yet. I’m starting to feel a little bit under weather.
So he says:
“Hi coach I hope that you can give me advice on my texting problems with women. I am still pretty young and I don’t have experience flirting with women, or setting up dates. I’m turning 24 soon. I’m fresh out of college and I feel like I missed so many opportunities in the last two years due to restrictions and distance learning. I am thinking maybe I would have been able to date more girls if I had been able to meet them organically in person on campus.“
Maybe but it doesn’t matter if you meet a girl on campus or whether it’s with a text message. Sure, for some people meeting in person is easier, for other people texting is easy. It really depends on you but you should be good at both things and if you fail at texting there is a high chance that you’re also going to fail if you are in person with a woman because you’re going to meet that woman…
Think about it… You’re going to meet that woman at campus, then you’re going to hit on her or somehow you start a conversation, then you add her on Instagram or whatever, then you start texting again, and then if your texting game is weak and you’re going to turn her off again with too much pursuit, for example.
Well, you’re just back to square one. It doesn’t really matter and one thing that you should really know that’s really important: I think a lot of guys make that mistake that they think oh I’m really bad at dating and I’ve missed so many opportunities.
Yes, of course, you’ve missed opportunities but if I look at my own dating life… I missed so many freaking opportunities but it is never too late! I got good with dating probably around 27. I had a really bad breakup when I was 27 or so, and that’s kind of now why I’m a dating coach. And before that, I had no idea what the hell I was doing but then I got so much pussy basically because I educated myself and I learned how to do it.
So it’s never too late to learn and to get better at dating. Yes, of course, it would have been really nice if you would have met some girls, seduced them, had sex, maybe had a girlfriend right now, but don’t sweat it. You can still find a girlfriend right now. And I think especially guys who are older, who are in the 30s, never give up! It’s never too late. You will probably be surprised how many women you can meet in one year once you know what you’re doing.
And so even if you didn’t have that much success in the past it can turn around really, really quickly. So don’t sweat it that you’ve been missing out on some opportunities. Well, you’re 24. You’re very young. Now is the perfect time to keep on going. Keep on improving your game and the whole situation with the pandemic seems to be going away in some countries, so perfect timing.
So he then says:
“I think I look pretty attractive I would say. I am above average, which reflects in my matches on dating apps. Don’t get me wrong I don’t match with every girl on Tinder but my match ratio is pretty okay. My real problem is getting them to go on dates with me.“
So that tells me as I said… It doesn’t even matter if you meet a girl in person or in a great grocery store. If you’re bad at texting, if you’re bad at conversation long term, she’s gonna be turned off. And you say it yourself: If you have an okay, above-average match ratio.
I don’t know what that means but the average guy has very few matches. So let’s say for like 10 swipes, you would be very lucky to get one match, maybe something like that. That’s the average guy. So maybe you’re getting like two matches per 10 swipes, which is pretty good for a guy. For a woman that would be awful but for men that would be pretty good already.
You will be already pretty high on the percentage ratio so what that tells me is it’s really about what you’re saying. Because your profile or your pictures must be okay. They are piquing the interest of women but then it’s all about what you say, and as we’re gonna see as we go into your messages, it’s all about how you’re chasing them too much and then they get turned off.
So he then says:
“A lot of these girls are flaky or show no interest when I message them which is weird because I try to get them off the dating app and on IG after a while of chatting, so that I can stay in touch with them more easily.“
So if you are actually able to get girls very quickly on messenger apps or IG, something like that, you ask them hey let’s chat here… That means that they have some fairly high attraction for you in the beginning but then it must be fading because no woman who’s not into you is ever going to give you her number or her IG handle and let you message her there if she’s not into you.
So at first, they are into you and you’re having no problems getting them on those messengers. So again, it must be something that you’re saying.
So he then wraps it up before we get into the screenshots:
“But they always lose interest and don’t respond to my messages anymore. Here are some of my messages. I hope you can give me some feedback on why girls always lose interest in me. I attached two screenshots of two of the last girls who lost interest in me. I always try to say something smooth but it doesn’t work. Let me know what you can tell me that I am doing wrong.“
So before we get into the screenshots, well, you are trying to say something smooth, right? It’s what I said earlier: The snakey old car salesman. You’re thinking of the perfect thing to say but the reality is if you are talking to a woman who’s into you, you can never say the wrong thing.
Don’t get me wrong you can turn a woman off if you’re saying too many weak and needy things, for sure, but you shouldn’t be so much concerned about saying the right thing because that, in particular, is actually what is most likely causing the outcome.
Because you are overthinking “What am I gonna say?“…
You’re probably spending like a minute or longer to figure out what to write and that’s just not how it should be when you’re natural and when you’re an alpha male. When I talk to a girl I never overthink. I don’t give a shit because if I say something wrong, if I screw up, first of all, I just see and wait if it fixes itself over time. And you know, if it didn’t resolve itself, ah, whatever!
There are so many girls who want me and you are kind of similar. Actually, you have a lot of match ratios, so it doesn’t matter what you say, dude. Don’t try to say all the right things and be smooth because that kind of tells me that you’re trying to please them too much.
Alright so now let’s get into the messages and let’s see what I have to say. The first message that I picked is kind of obvious because it’s so clear that you are seeking approval, basically, and it’s basically over with this woman. Most likely.
So let’s look at the image. So here you can see she’s asking “how are you today?” and then it seems like you probably might have the thing, the virus, and you’re saying “not as much cough as yesterday like phlegm“…
So she’s asking. So it’s getting better, right? And you’re saying yes. So in that moment, she seems to be interested in you, right? So she’s reaching out to you “how are you today?” and then it’s a short conversation and of course, maybe if you’re sick right now you can’t meet her but that would have been the best moment to ask her out and tell her “Hey when I’m better let’s go somewhere“
You know, you’re just having a little cough, a little phlegm, so you know, most people now who get the virus, they’re not sick that much anymore. It’s quite harmless and it should be gone probably in maybe a week, maybe it’s not even the virus, maybe it’s just the flu. And after five days you’re gonna be okay.
So you can probably assume that in the next few days you’re gonna be able to meet up with her again. So I would have asked her here to meet up and you could have just said something like “Yeah I’m feeling much better already. I’m planning to do whatever, XYZ on the weekend. You should join me. You want to come?“
… Something like that. And then see how she reacts. She was already into you in this moment because she asked you about you, so that showed you she was interested, but then there was like a little bit of a break and then I don’t know you must be messaging on another messenger as well.
You ask about the cat after I don’t know maybe, it’s the next day or maybe it’s a few days but she doesn’t reply so is she busy? It doesn’t really matter because if she would be into you even if she’s busy eventually she would reply to you. But then that message was from January 12th, so roughly a week then passed until you messaged her again.
I don’t know what was going on there because something must have happened but you’re basically asking “Hey does this mean that we can’t hang out anymore? I just want to know so I know what to do.“
That is a total beta male message. So first of all, you’re asking for approval. You’re asking for “Hey can we hang out?“
It’s like this girl has you on a leash basically. And you’re asking “I just want to know what to do“…
A woman doesn’t want to tell you what to do. She expects you that you know what to do and then do the right thing and make her happy. So in this case she’s currently at least not into you. So you’re basically messaging her again and asking for “Hey what should I do? Should we still be friends? Should I still message you?” and then she says, of course: “I think friends is friends. No more hangout is better” and that should be a pretty clear message.
But then you also take it even further. So this basically should have already been the total cockblock and you should have realized okay this is over. Maybe it could be turned around eventually but stop messaging her.
If she reaches out again that shows that she has some interest again and then you could see to meet up again but she told you friends… Friend zone basically! You’re cockblocked but then you’re sending a picture and you’re saying “Seeing my new girlfriend. She’s bubbly and smooth,” now this line would actually be really smart with something like let’s say you’re dating a girl and she’s kind of jealous of someone and she’s asking “Is she your girlfriend? Or are you seeing someone?“
… And then instead of having a fight about it or being defensive, you make a joke like “this is my new girlfriend she’s bubbly and smooth” that would be funny but in this context, this makes no sense. It’s like you’re again seeking approval. You’re seeking her attention. You’re chasing her way too much and in this context, this makes no sense because she already friendzoned you.
So you wanted to basically be her boyfriend. You want her to be your girlfriend. She knows that and then you send a follow-up message and say this is my new girlfriend. This seems really weak because she knows that you’re trying to get her attention. She already lost attraction for you. Now, probably, you sealed the deal. It’s basically over you have to wait probably weeks, maybe months, and then she might message you again, eventually, but this basically is not going anywhere.
You need to stop messaging this woman. Stop seeking her approval and you know what? Whatever! If she doesn’t want to be friends with you, if she doesn’t want to hang out with you, well then hang out with another woman!
She does not get to tell you what you should do. I think you should just start texting other girls because this woman basically thinks that you’re a doormat and I always say: “Be dominant, not a doormat…“
And in this case, I think she lost a lot of respect for you at this point and you have to pull back. You have to stop pursuing this woman. All right, so the next message is not so obvious but again we can see what is going wrong.
So here you’re sending a drink and you’re saying “I’ll take you here next time” that is relatively smooth, especially if the girl is really into you, this could really work.
But you could also have said maybe “Hey I’m hanging out here you want to come?” but overall it’s not too bad. But it could also be seen as approval-seeking behavior if she’s not into you. So it’s really important to understand how much is she into you.
If the girl is dying to see you, if she really is into you then she’s going to be so happy. Where I used to live in the Philippines they have a really great word for this. They call it “Kilig” and it is this feeling when you’re just so happy when you receive a message from someone and you’re just so happy to hear from them. I’m sure all of you have gone through this where you get some messages from a girl and you’re on cloud nine!
You’re so happy just to hear from her and you can’t wait to see her! If a girl is on cloud nine, this is where she should be and then she receives a message like this, it’s gonna work out!
But here, what do we see? She basically replies with just a heart. Nothing else. That tells me she’s not that much into you. Do you know that thing on Instagram there? I think they’re changing this now but on Instagram when you reply to a story with like an emoji, basically it’s really weird because what do you do with that? How do you respond to that? Then most people just heart the reaction, basically which is really awkward. That’s the same thing that you’re having here.
Essentially, you’re saying something nice. You’re saying something “Hey let’s meet up” basically and she just gives you like this really lackluster response. So that should tell you she doesn’t care and then you ask what is your schedule like…
I’m assuming you sent this right after, basically, and then again she didn’t respond. Then that should have told you already, well leave it there! If she is attracted to you, maybe she sees your stories….
This is on Instagram. So she can probably see what you’re up to. Maybe she’s gonna reach out again but it seems to me right now she doesn’t have that much attraction.
But then at least a day later or so you send another message and again this is kind of weird and out of context. “I get it if you’re not comfortable yet. Let’s take it slow” but that doesn’t make sense!
Because if you would be taking it slow, you wouldn’t have messaged at all. So she’s just reading this message and I mean, she literally says “What do you mean?“
She’s confused. Maybe she’s testing right now but maybe she also just doesn’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Maybe she thinks it’s weird and she’s testing you but then you say your availability for our date.
So you’re basically just driving it home that you NEED her to go on a date with you. But if you would have an abundance mindset, if you would realize that you have so many options, you wouldn’t give a shit!
So this girl also doesn’t have that much attraction for you. Now this one, in particular, could be flip a coin. She could be back actually. There’s an interesting analogy.
Yesterday, for the last few days I’ve been practicing a lot of guitar and because of that, my wrist was hurting. And so you know, there was a 50/50 chance of me practicing guitar yesterday.
So it’s the same thing with women. If her attraction for you is somewhere in that range of 50%, 60%, maybe 65%… It’s flip a coin! Maybe she wants to hang out with you, maybe not.
And so yesterday I could have played the guitar but I was really bored. I did a lot of tedious shit with work and so I didn’t really want to do it. I had to do so much boring stuff on YouTube with SEO and I was like okay, whatever! I’m not gonna practice guitar today.
And if a girl is like that… She has an attraction for you that’s somewhere in the middle range. 50%, 60%, maybe even 70%… Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe she’s really bored. Maybe she’s really frustrated with work. She had a lot of things to do. Whatever! We don’t know. Then she’s probably gonna flip a coin. Maybe she wants to hang out with you. Maybe not.
But most likely she won’t be interested, especially if you are over pursuing her, which you are clearly doing. And that tells me you don’t have an abundance mindset. You don’t think that you are a king. You think that you need to get approval from these girls. You need to see that they like you but you know what?
You actually told me what the solution for your problem is in the first message… First line, First paragraph or so.
You said that you don’t have any problems matching with a lot of women. So that should tell you it shouldn’t be so hard to find another woman. Your problem is yes, you are seeking too much approval. You’re messaging too much. You’re chasing way too much. That is a big problem but the underlying problem is your mindset.
Because if I would be in your situation and you have an okay match ratio on Tinder, or dating apps in general…
That tells me if this girl or these two girls didn’t work out, you know what? Swipe a little bit right! And after a while, you’re gonna get more matches. What I do is I always use the premium features on dating apps because it’s all about visibility. I super like as much as possible and then I get a lot of matches, honestly, and if it doesn’t work out with a woman then I don’t give a shit.
I just move on to the next one. I don’t try to please her. I don’t try to think of something smooth and something that’s really cool. Nah! If it doesn’t feel organic, if it doesn’t feel comfortable, if I feel like I have to change who I am, if it feels really inauthentic… I’m not gonna go for it!
Because I don’t wanna change myself for any woman. And you should do the same. Never try to change yourself for any kind of woman and especially the message with you asking what you should do…
Actually both messages, you’re basically asking them what is okay to do. You’re asking for approval. Can we meet up? Can we be friends? Can we hang out? What’s your schedule like? I understand that you’re not okay to meet up yet. I don’t think this is the way to go.
These girls are just not so much into you. Find some girls who are really into you and then your texting game should be really easy because they’re gonna be dying to meet up with you.
So that smooth picture that you had on the shore with the whiskey or whatever it was, that was perfect. That would have worked really well with a girl who’s really into you.
So this girl was not into you. Stop chasing her and move on to the next one because like I said in the beginning of the video: That is what alpha males do. They have so many options. They just jump from one woman to another until they find a woman that makes him happy.
And then they commit.
This is how you should do it. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and of course, never forget to unleash the king within.