Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up kings? It’s Coach Andy Graziosi and in this video we’re going to talk about mystery and how much should you tell a woman about yourself. I got a message from a guy who is dating a woman and his issue is that he has a bit of a troubled past with relationships. Not everybody had the perfect relationships in the past, and especially if we didn’t work through our issues yet in the past when we were younger, we dated the wrong people, for the wrong reasons quite often.
Maybe we were codependent and we tried to please people and we dated women that just had so many red flags. But we just ignored them and quite often, most of the time when relationships didn’t work out, it was often our fault because we didn’t think this through properly, or we didn’t think through is this the right person for me? Are there things that don’t work for me? Or am I in this relationship for the wrong reasons?
Of course, not every relationship goes wrong because of that. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out because we are not the right people for each other. It’s just, at the end of the day we couldn’t make things work and it’s not necessarily related to all of our traumas. But quite often, it does happen, and so the question is: Do you tell the woman that you’re dating all of your dark secrets?
I called this video “you need to create a mystery to win with women” because of this guy that I remembered, whose name literally was “Mystery“. So depending on your age you might still remember back in the day probably that was like 10, 15, 20, years ago, when we still had MTV on the TV, where you know, back in the day when you actually had to turn on your TV and go to MTV to watch, to listen to music. Well we actually literally watched music, right?
So we didn’t have the internet back then and there was this TV show from this guy called the “Mystery.” Back then the pickup industry was really bustling. It was just starting out. Now we’re kind of in a new age of red pill, which kind of evolved from pickup artists scene, but anyway. Back then we had the pickup artist scene and there was this guy called “Mystery” and he had this TV show and he basically showed how he does PUA and all of these concepts, and all of these manipulation techniques basically that pickup artists use.
And his name was literally “Mystery” and he also has a book that’s called something with “Mystery.” The mystery method I believe. Anyway, so the bottom line is we have to be mysterious to attract women. Every woman wants to discover something about a man because otherwise, it’s kind of boring. So let’s read a little bit what he says and then let’s see what advice do I have for him.
So he says: “Hi, Coach, I am 35 and I’ve just separated from my wife. I had been married twice before. Once to a gold digger, who bailed when the money ran out, and the second time to a passive-aggressive woman, who simply couldn’t admit she was controlling and domineering. My third wife had family problems which she brought into the relationship and simply wouldn’t acknowledge them, so they became impossible to work through and ended up destroying our relationship.“
So like I just mentioned at the beginning of the video, that’s kind of red flag-ey for me here. Not from the side of the women. Sure, maybe they were really awful women. Possible. But you’ve been married three times already. You’re 35 years old, so you get married every, whatever, like four years or something like that? How does that even work? How long do you stay married? Two years? Three years? Then you stay separated for a year, and date the next… You get the math. You would need to stay in a marriage for two, three years, maybe, then break up, then not be ready to date, then you start dating again, then you need to get to know the woman, then you get married again. You must be getting married at an extremely fast pace.
He probably knows that that’s kind of strange. I hope you know that. So you probably chose the wrong women kind of on purpose without even realizing it. And that’s a big problem, obviously. It’s important to realize that these women while they certainly probably had their issues, you probably played a big part in it. And any guy watching this needs to realize this as well.
If you don’t have accountability for your actions in dating, you’re always going to lose. You will never win with women if you don’t take responsibility for your actions and ultimately, it’s up to you who you choose to date. And if a person mistreated you in a relationship, sure, that’s on them, but it’s on you to choose that person and to continuously re-choose that person every day. Either we make things work and call people out on their bad behaviors and try to work through our issues and improve our relationship, or we have to get out of there and stop choosing these kinds of partners.
So he then says: “I am a very dedicated and loyal partner and would never think of cheating on a person. I tend to give my all, which has led me to be exploited quite severely in the past. My problem is, or at least was as I vow never to do it again, that I get involved with people who I know have problems, thinking I can help them.“
He gets involved with people who have problems and he thinks that he can help them, and he says he works in a psychology-related field or he also thinks that some of his positive attributes… he’s easy-going, and social will rub off on them. That’s a very common pattern that actually is more common I would say in women. You probably know that stereotype where the woman dates this complete jerk and you just wonder how could she possibly date this guy. Because he doesn’t respect her, he doesn’t treat her well, he’s rude, maybe doesn’t seem very intelligent or well-spoken, or he just doesn’t seem to have that much going on for his life.
The only thing that he has going on is that he is a jerk, because he seems confident and women like that. Women want someone who’s confident. When they see a man who’s confident, even though he might be a total, you know, d-bag, they think they can change him and they can rub off on him. And you know they’re like “Oh wow, I like his dominant qualities and his alpha-ness and all these things. How he leads things forward. So I can probably make him a bit more compassionate, or turn him into a better listener.“
That’s never gonna happen. You can’t change another person. You can influence them and tell them how they don’t love you properly or how the way that they’re loving you makes you feel uncomfortable, but it’s up to them to then change their behavior. And they have to realize that they’re doing things that don’t make you happy. You cannot change someone… just force it on another person. They need to be part of that game. And typically, obviously, the best way to do that is if you already choose a great partner, because a great partner is going to listen when you tell them that there’s something that you don’t like.
And then it’s not like this rubbing off of someone, or trying to force your needs and desires on a person. It’s just that person loves you and wants to make things work with you and realizes that the pros of making things work and having some compromises outweigh the cons of having fights, and arguments, and things that don’t work, and eventually breaking up. That’s how healthy relationships should be. So we don’t try to force it on someone, on our woman. And your woman shouldn’t force it on you.
So he then says: “The other mistake I make is believing someone when they say they are stressed and that it will pass. It never does. It just ends up being a different excuse. My last two partners both admitted to their problems, but refused to attempt to change them. I’ve let myself get bullied into things and especially getting married and now look back and think particularly the last time that I didn’t even want to get married but circumstances pushed me in that right direction.“
So first of all, okay if your partners admitted to their problems but they didn’t want to change them, you had no other option but to basically get out of there and leave. He then says “that you got bullied or pushed into getting married.“… Sure, maybe they did that but nobody can really make you do anything. They can suggest what they want and maybe they can give you an ultimatum which is obviously not the way to go, but ultimately, you’re the one who chooses it.
And again, that’s something that you need to think about. At the end of the day, something like this is an excuse. People say “you made me do this“, “you made me mistreat you“, “you made me leave you because you weren’t loving enough“, “you made me verbally abusive“, or “made me go party a lot and seem like I’m hanging out with other guys and make you jealous because I felt not loved in the relationship“, or whatever.
Pick an excuse. Nobody can make you do anything.
For example, just because you might have been a bad partner, man, in the past with a woman, doesn’t mean that you pushed her to mistreat you in return. So, same way, no woman can push you to do anything. She shouldn’t be able to. If that happened, nobody pushed you. She pulled and it’s like she’s trying to pull with a wire but you’re not even holding on to that wire yet. She just wants you to come over by pulling that wire but you’re not even holding the wire. So her pulling is pointless. But then you decide “okay she wants me to come over, so you hold on to the wire“
Well, now it’s partly your fault. It’s like she’s just opening the doors for what she wants you to do and you choosing to do these things are your responsibility.
So he then says: “In my last relationship, I worked so hard to help her with her problems. I ended up in a nice little depression with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, losing my sense of self, self-respect, and self-worth. As I said, I now have a clear picture of where I have gone wrong and vowed never to do those same things again, get bullied, or withhold my opinion when I had one to give.“
Yeah, that’s awesome. So basically you’re recovering from being a simp, or nice guy, or whatever you want to call it. Codependent. We have to stand up to our partners and tell them what we want. And we stand up, I don’t mean necessarily that needs to be rude or conflict-driven, it doesn’t need to be confrontational and aggressive. It’s just we need to tell them what we want and what we feel and how we want to live our lives. It seems like you’ve done that work, so that’s a great thing. So then the question is: What’s the next step? Since you seem to have done the work.
He says: “I have met a wonderful woman who is kind, funny, social, and responsible. She has a clear goal in life, is educated, and a lot of fun to be around. She seems to have all of those characteristics that I am looking for and lacks those I am looking to avoid.“
So seems you have clarity and she seems like she’s the perfect woman. That’s dope! So where’s the problem? Here’s his problem, apparently:
He says “she knows about my last relationship but not about the other two. Deep down I know I have to tell her, but I am petrified that if I do, she will run for the hills. On the face of it, I think it looks bad and there’s a deep source of shame for me, but I worry if I don’t tell her now and she finds out later, she won’t trust me.”
Well, I don’t think so. Like I said, a little bit of mystery is important. Does every relationship that you had matter? Well, definitely not. Initially when you start dating, a lot of people, they make the mistake that they tell all their deepest darkest secrets, and how they f up with their relationships, and how their ex might have been awful, and how they’re mentally vomiting when they just think about their ex. Things like that.
And all these things are just not interesting for your partner, or for the person that you’re dating, casually dating. Of course, maybe at some point in the future, she needs to know these things, but she doesn’t really know about your ex-relationship. She needs to know about the things that made you unhappy, she needs to know about the things how you don’t want to be treated, she needs to know about what works for you, she needs to know about your quirks.
So if I look at what you’ve told me here, you’ve had a lot of insecurities I think, and codependency, and trying to please women, and doing things that you really shouldn’t have done, like getting married for a woman. And getting married three times so quickly. Obviously, you know you tried to please somebody quite heavily and now that’s not you anymore. So you are a completely different person now from who you were maybe two years ago, or three years ago.
You’re certainly not the same guy who had his first marriage probably 10 plus years ago. So why would he tell her about all of these things, unless she asks about them? Do you want to educate her eventually about the rules? The ground rules, how the game is played, and how you should agree on how you treat each other? Yeah, for sure! It’s super healthy. Very few people do that to sit down after a while when you’re in a serious relationship and say “hey, we never talked about our values, and how do we want to make each other happy, and what are the things that we accept and don’t accept from each other, and what is our communication style. How do we want to communicate” and so on so forth.
It’s very healthy to just set expectations with your partner, but in the beginning, you don’t need to tell all of these things, because think about it: Relationships are about discovery. We want to learn and get to know our partner. We want to learn new things about our partner and we want to spread this out over time. Because a little mystery goes a long way for us to be excited about our partner.
And if you bombard her with all of these negative things, you don’t give her the space and the time, and the emotional space, I would say to think about “hey, what is there else to discover about him that I like?” Because she probably right now really loves you. I’m not sure if you’re already that serious but she really adores you most likely. That’s why you’re dating. So she’s excited about you. She’s infatuated with you. She’s falling for you and she wants to know more things that she can love about you.
She wants to know what are the other great things about you. You are a king. A woman wants a king. And she wants to know his kingdom. She wants to see what are all of these things that she doesn’t know about yet, that are astonishing. She could discover new things about you after two years of dating that she had no idea and she’d be like “wow that’s so cool!” Maybe she didn’t realize that you actually know how to play piano but you haven’t been playing the piano for a while so that’s why she doesn’t know and then she’s like “wow, you’re really great at piano!”
Whatever. The bottom line is a little bit of mystery adds to discovering new great things about our partner. And so if you tell her everything especially the negative stuff, why would you do that? Unless she asks for it, that makes no sense. It’s much better if you keep things interesting by not revealing everything because the simple fact that you hang out, and you have sex, or are in a relationship, if you’re living together or not, doesn’t matter. Every time that you interact and you spend time, where you go on trips together, on vacations, or whatnot, you learn something new about the person.
And often we learn these things in the most unexpected ways that we would never have thought of. And that’s exactly why it is exciting. You don’t need to tell her these things. And I don’t think you’re betraying her by not telling her these things. Why are you betraying a person just by not telling them about these other toxic people that you dated when you were also in a way a toxic person? Doesn’t matter because right now it seems like you’re not that man anymore. So where’s the relevance?
There is no relevance, at least not an immediate relevance. There is going to be relevance eventually when you date longer and you’re probably in a committed relationship. And what’s going to happen is you’re going to run into similar issues because we all can’t 100% work through these issues. They are ingrained in us pretty much from childhood on and we can only work with them. A therapist or a coach can help us, but we’re always gonna be who we are fundamentally with our insecurities to some extent. And so probably some of these patterns will at least to some extent, maybe not as strongly as before, show up again in the relationship. And that’s when it’s a good time to talk about these issues and you can share “wow I had similar situations in the past and I don’t want to repeat them“…
“Here’s what I did in the past. Here are my mistakes and let’s make sure I don’t do this again.“
Things like that. So he then says: “I feel that if I don’t tell her now, I will lose the chance for her to get to know me.”
And no… Like I said, it’s the exact opposite. I think you’re giving her more of a chance to get to know you because she gets to see more of the positive sides. Why would you force the negative on someone? That makes no sense. It’s like if you go to a job interview, it’s not like you walk in there and you tell all the shitty things about you where you screw up, or how you’re not good at something.
Nobody does that. If you’re trying to sell someone a product you don’t tell someone how your product sucks. I have my Confidence King training program and certainly, it’s probably not perfect. Nothing is perfect. There’s probably some part of the program that’s not adequate, or that doesn’t answer every little question that a person might have. But I’m not gonna sell that on my program website like “here’s a list of all the things that are not good about my program“
That’s incredibly stupid if you think about it. I’m gonna sell all the good things about what’s it like to work with me and learn from me. And these are the things that people get and if there’s some things that they missed out on in my program, or in my coaching, that they want, then they’re going to tell me, or they’re going to ask me questions. And then I can work on these things. You don’t sell the bad things about yourself. That doesn’t make sense. Because they’re often not worth highlighting.
Actually, just because something is bad in an isolated case, or was bad in the past, doesn’t mean that it has to be bad again in the future. And so there’s no point in highlighting this and she’s not losing out a chance to get to know you. So, yeah, what the hell should you do?
He says: “I am losing sleep over this and it is causing me so much stress. I can’t begin to describe it yet.“
Just chill out, dude. Stop being so hard on yourself. I know you’re probably thinking that you need to be transparent. You’re thinking that you were not the perfect guy back then. We’re never perfect, of course. But back then probably you had more issues than you have now. And so it’s natural that you want her to know these things but you know don’t be so hard on yourself. You know we’re all not perfect. We all grow over time and we grow together with our partner.
You’re giving her the chance to grow together with you if you actually allow her to give you a chance. So not by short-selling yourself, because if you short sell yourself, maybe this relationship will never work out and only by making sure that the relationship works out initially can you then bond more and eventually over time talk about the things that, of course, won’t work out. There will be things where you don’t see eye to eye, or where you need to both work on your communication pattern, and so on. And that’s the time when you talk about these things.
So hope this was helpful. Let me know in the comments what you think, and of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel. Also if this was helpful and you need more help, then here’s a few ways how I can help you. Number one is you can buy my book “Unleash The King Within” and I think this book is perfect for someone like you because I used to be a very co-dependent person like you. Woman pleaser. And I talk a lot about these things from going from pretty much beta to becoming an alpha male and stating your opinions and saying what you want and clearly communicating things. And this is what the book is about. About becoming a king, so that we have amazing relationships with a queen.
As I mentioned earlier, you can enroll in my confidence king training program, and like I said, it’s up to you to decide if it’s good or not. And go to my website and there you will find all the awesome reasons why it’s great and I’m not gonna say why it might not be great. I don’t even know why it’s not great because I think it’s freaking awesome and you should have the same mindset with yourself actually. So even though you had some issues, you’re freaking awesome. Who cares about your negative sides? Your positive sides outweigh the negatives. Okay? Whatever is negative about my Confidence King program doesn’t matter because there’s so many positives to it.
That’s how you should look at relationships and yourself as well, and of course, you can book a one-on-one coaching session with me. As always, I will see all of you kings in the next video.