Couples Edition

1. Purpose [5 minutes]

Every couple needs to be able to answer the big “Why” that answers why they are a couple in the first place. Your purpose for being a couple is the glue that holds your relationship together.

Questions:

• What’s our biggest reason to be a couple?
• No matter how bad things may get at some point, what’s the one purpose we can turn to & find renewed connection?

Examples:

• Our biggest purpose is to be a family.
• Our biggest purpose is to support each other to reach our goals.
• Our biggest purpose is to love each other in good & especially in bad times.
• Our biggest purpose is to settle down in a quiet place and slow our lives down & to escape the stress of the city.

2. Shared Dreams [10 minutes]

A couple that doesn’t pull on the same string and get closer to their shared dream will eventually drift apart. Always make sure you’re aligned with your shared dreams & check in regularly to make sure you’re both still going in the right direction.

Questions:

• What dreams do we want to reach together?
• What does living the dream look like to us?

Examples:

• We want to build a house near the beach in Siargao island.
• We want to retire in three years and start our family.
• We want to open our own coffee shop & sell our own food recipes.
• We want to buy a van, transform it into a luxurious nomad-pad and travel across the continent.
• We want to leave our 9-5 job behind and have a business that enables us to have a 4-hour work week, so we can travel more.

3. Personal Dreams [10 minutes]

As much as our shared dreams matter, we should never lose ourselves when we’re in a relationship. Our individual dreams are as important as our shared dreams, and it’s the job of both partners to support each other to reach their unique goals & dreams. Supporting your woman when she feels far away from her dreams is invaluable to feel more connected.

Questions:

• What dreams do we want to achieve individually?
• How can we both help each other?

Examples:

• Her: Become a yoga teacher and open my own yoga studio
  • Him: I can help her by giving her space & time to do yoga every morning and evening.
• Him: Start a YouTube cover channel & post my first Original Pinoy Music cover by end of the year.
  • Her: I can help him by giving him free time on the weekend to practice the guitar and work on his covers.
• Her: Create my own workout training program for moms who just gave birth
  • Him: I can help her by taking care of errands & other household activities so she can find the time to create her program

4. Values & Principles [5 minutes]

Our values & principles are at the heart of any relationship. When we’re dating someone whose values don’t align with our own values, our own bodies shut down and reject the one we love. It’s important to share the same values & principles on what matters to you the most and how you wish to treat yourself, your lover & others.

Questions:

• How do we treat each other? How do we treat others?
• Which values do we need to embody to make each other happy?

Examples:

• Core value — Honesty: We’ll always be honest with each other, no matter how inconvenient or scary it may be.
• Core principle — Make time for dates. We’ll be a happy couple if we make time for at least one date every two weeks.
• Core value — Attention: When the other person needs our attention, we’ll pause and make time. If we can’t find time, we will make time as soon as possible after we’re free.
• Core principle — Avoid going to bed upset. If we had a fight, it’s best to have talked about our issue before we go to bed. If we can’t reconcile before going to bed, at least we agree to talk about it the next day with patience.
• Core value — Humility: We make a lot of money. We should stay humble and use our fortunes for the greater good. We help those who aren’t as fortunate as we are.

5. Big Needs & Expectations [5 minutes]

We all have that one thing that matters a lot to us. We have unique needs due to trauma, how our parents raised us, things we received or didn’t receive when we were younger, and so on. Your biggest need & expectation may be completely different from your woman.

Questions:

• No matter what — what is the number one thing we need to do for each other? How can we help each other?
• What are important needs that we have, and why do we have those needs? 

Examples:

• Him: I need to have sex. If we’re not physical, I feel as if I am not being loved. Sometimes it even makes me feel as if I am being rejected by you.
• Her: I need you to show me every now and then that you care about me by surprising me with something affectionate. My parents never made me feel that I am special, so I need you to show me that I am.
• Him: I need my “bro time” once a week. I want to make sure that I still have a good circle of friends whom I can rely on. In the past, I barely hung out with friends and that had a negative impact on my mental health.
• Her: I need you to come home from work on time & I don’t want you to do late emergency work from home unless it’s absolutely needed. In the past, I felt neglected by my overworking ex-boyfriend. I don’t want to feel like I’m your last priority.

6. Attachment Style & Insecurities [5 minutes]

Our attachment style —the way we feel about people we love — is at the heart of our interactions with loved ones. Often our partner doesn’t realize that we feel insecure in our relationships & they don’t understand that we need confirmation of their love, or distance to have time for ourselves. Understanding our unique attachment needs is crucial to give our partner what they desire.

Questions:

• What’s our attachment styles — secure, anxious or avoidant?
• What makes us feel the most uncomfortable & insecure in a relationship?

Examples:

• Him: I have an anxious attachment style. In the past, my dad rarely was available for us. He used to be very depressed. At the same time, my mom often criticized me. I always felt like I am not good enough and that I am not being loved. That’s why I seek validation from others & feel insecure when you don’t show me with your presence that you love me.
• Her: I have an avoidant attachment style. When I was younger, my dad beat me up when I did things he didn’t like. This made me feel like I can’t trust those closest to me. That’s why I’m often distant and feel like I need my own space & time for myself. I need you to respect my need for space when I feel smothered. I promise I will be back after I had some time to breathe. I also am scared to be confronted by you because my dad beat me up. When you have issues with me, please let me know lovingly and without being abusive, because this scares me.
• Him: I am very secure in my attachments. My mom & dad were there for me when I was a child and I rarely feel insecure. I can tell that you often feel unsure of my love. I have no problem with you being insecure, but I need you to communicate it to me so I can re-assure you. I don’t want us to be distant, so let’s talk about these issues when they come up.

7. Rules & Responsibilities [5 minutes]

Without clear rules & responsibilities, we expect our partner to do something for us and when they don’t do it we believe there’s something wrong with them. But there’s nothing wrong with your other half — he or she is just different from you. One of you is a neat freak, the other person doesn’t mind a bit of chaos. Think carefully about rules & responsibilities in your relationship & within the household and be sure you can find good compromises around your significant differences in your way of life.

Questions:

• How do we split the responsibilities in the house?
• Who takes care of what?
• What is OK & what isn’t OK to do?

Examples:

• Him: I will vacuum the floor once every three days. In exchange, you will clean the bathroom once a week.
• Her: I will cook by myself whenever you don’t have time to cook together with me. In exchange, I expect you to clean the dishes right after we’re done eating. No piles of dishes in the sink!
• Him: I need you to walk our dog in the morning because I need to get to work early and I can’t miss our daily standup meetings.
• Her: I need you to be more careful with your spending habits. Sometimes, you don’t include me in your purchasing decisions for our household items. Please include me in those decisions.
• Him: I will stop going partying for late nights. When I go out drinking with the guys, I’ll make sure to be home latest by 1am.

8. Feelings Of Love [5 minutes]

Both of you may feel loved through completely different signs of affection. One of you values quality time spent together, whereas the other values being treated to a nice massage. One of you may feel loved the most when you get to hug the other person, whereas the other person feels most loved when they receive a kiss whenever you see your partner. What makes you feel loved?

Questions:

• When do we feel loved the most?
• What love language do we appreciate the most (Words Of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts Of Services, Gifts, Physical Touch)?
• Which moments do we fondly remember the most?

Examples:

• I feel loved when you hug me randomly during the day.
• I feel loved when you give me small reminders that you love me, like through small love notes or messages that show me that you’re thinking of me.
• I feel loved when you hold me tightly during sex.
• I feel loved when you play me love songs on your guitar.
• I feel loved when you take care of errands that I don’t have time for. It shows me that you’re patient with me.

9. Feelings Of Disappointments [5 minutes]

We often don’t realize when we’re doing something that disappoints our partner because it wouldn’t bother us at all. This can be many things: The way we say something, the way we do something, or how we don’t say or do something. What are the things that make you feel the most disappointed? What things do you remember that made you feel upset or uncomfortable but you didn’t even tell your partner?

Questions:

• When do we feel disappointed, sad or betrayed?
• What makes us feel like we’re not being appreciated enough?
• How often do we keep it bottled in?

Examples:

• I felt disappointed when you didn’t tell me that you were doing a presentation next week. I want you to share about the things you’re passionate about.
• I feel sad when you don’t message me for the entire day. I have an anxious attachment style and want to know that you’re thinking of me.
• I feel betrayed when you message your ex. I know you are on still on good terms, but I feel like you’re prioritizing her over me.
• I feel disappointed when you don’t do the things you say you were going to do. Promises should be kept. My dad often didn’t follow through on his promises & I want to be in a relationship that’s different than that.