Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video, we’re gonna talk about friendzoning. In particular, what is the reason behind it. I have a scenario here of a guy who’s a good illustration of who’s doing a small few things here and there wrong. He’s being too nice. He’s being too friendly. He’s being too needy. And no woman wants a man who’s too needy, or who is too nice, because every woman wants to be taken care of by a man. She doesn’t want to be the woman who feels like she needs to take care of him. So grab your favorite drink and let’s get right into this. I have a message from a guy and let’s dig into his situation.
Dear Sir Graziosi, I want your help with my chronic issue of getting friend zoned by women. I had several dates with girls in the last year but none of them even turned into kissing the girl. In fact, it always ends in the same way. We had a nice date, had a nice talk, laughed a lot but then in the end the girl says that she really likes me a lot and that we could be great friends or that I’m like a best friend she’s never had. But also that it won’t end into something romantic.
Sir Graziosi. Maybe you’re somewhere from Asia, where it’s kind of common to say Sir but you know, just the fact that you’re calling me Sir, you’re already being too nice. Your first three words in your message. Well, you have to recognize that it always happens. And I mean, this one sentence is kind of a red flag. “I am like a best friend she has never had.” So what do you expect to receive from women if you treat them like a friend? Like your best friend. My best friends, they would never be the kind of people that I hook up with. My best female friend, while she’s married, but if she wouldn’t be married, she’d still be my best friend and I mean, I’m even the Godfather of her son. You can’t hook up with someone who’s your best friend. That just doesn’t work. That’s just not how it is.
So if you want to get a woman to go out with you, and to kiss you, and to make out with you, and to have sex with you, and to eventually want to be in a relationship with you, you got to stop treating them like friends. You gotta stop being really nice to them. I’m not saying to be a dick to women and that you shouldn’t be nice to women. But you shouldn’t treat them like you would treat your friends. Like, we’re just meeting up casually and there’s no agenda. In dating there’s always an agenda. The agenda is sex. And if you’re not going into this with this agenda, well then this is what you’re gonna get.
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For at least one girl, I really started feeling something on the first date and it was like an immediate heartbreak.
Well, if it was an immediate heartbreak, that’s kind of a red flag for me because you’re way too invested in a woman that you just met. How can you have a heartbreak with a woman that you barely know? You just met her once. It doesn’t matter how freaking hot a woman is. No matter, not even the hottest woman on the planet should make you think that you have to feel like your heart has been broken because this woman could turn out to be really fucking crazy if you get to know her further down the line. And I’ve met a lot of really, really freaking hot women that were just not that great once you got to know them. So you’re being heavily overinvested in women that you don’t even know.
Anyway, it’s at least good to be direct since she’s living quite far away. We actually ended up being very good friends, meeting occasionally, and having great times without worrying about feelings or whatsoever.
So that sounds kind of delusional. First, you say it’s heartbreak. Now you’re like “Yeah it’s okay, at least she was direct. Now we can be friends and there’s no worrying about feelings.” Well, that’s probably what she’s feeling because she didn’t care about dating you. But you’re the one who wanted to date her so how can you go from heartbreak and being really devastated by it? By well, at least now I don’t have to care about her feelings and you know, does she like me or not? I mean, maybe you’re just lying to yourself. I mean, clearly, you like this woman, and now all of a sudden you’re happy with being friends? So maybe you are to an extent the person who facilitates these things to happen. I’m not saying that it’s entirely your fault but you’re okay with being friends. So what do you expect? You’re gonna end up in the friend zone.
And now you are in the friend zone, essentially now. Okay, sure you’re friends with her and that’s nice, but ultimately you wanted something else. So now you’re in this zone where you are talking to a woman where you have some kind of feelings for her, but you’re not getting what you want. So that really sucks. Why would you do that? If it just doesn’t work out with a woman, maybe just stop seeing her. There are billions of people on this planet. There are billions of women. Yeah, there’s about a billion women or something like that on the planet. So you have plenty of choices. Just saying.
I wouldn’t describe myself as the most beautiful guy but there is no reason to say I am ugly. Not muscular, but just a plain guy, probably. I try to dress up nicely, yet casually, but just wearing things that make me feel good. However, I’m also an engineering student and perhaps my social skills reflect that a bit, but not that I’m completely awkward.
Could be that your social skills as an engineer are lacking, but you can work on this. The thing that I can tell though that is lacking with you is confidence. So let me just repeat this one sentence. “I wouldn’t describe myself as the most beautiful guy but there’s no reason to say I’m ugly. I’m not muscular. But just a plain guy.” Look at me. Am I muscular? Heck no. And I fucked so many really hot women, because I have a different mindset. It doesn’t matter if you’re muscular or not. Sure, some women like muscular men but I mean, if you’re just not built muscular, then well, what the fuck. You know, what do you want to do? What it really comes down to is confidence. I have this really, really cool friend of mine. He’s amazing! He turned himself from a very chubby, fairly uninspiring guy, into this really muscular guy. He’s really just fucking amazing with workout! And he wants to be a fitness coach, eventually. And I hope he makes it as a fitness coach. But he’s still very awkward with women. He’s not confident with women. So you know, just because someone is muscular, doesn’t mean that that automatically gives them game with women.
So what really gives you game is by believing in yourself and by actually showing up with women, and taking charge with women. You can have all kinds of good qualities. You can have a lot of money, and a lot of social status, and you can still be fucking awkward. And yes, social status is super important but the bottom line is, you need to check a certain number of boxes. You need to be confident. You need to have social status. Both things are important. And well, you don’t seem that confident because you think that you’re not muscular enough and you think this is the reason why women reject you. And I can tell you, this is not the reason why women reject you. Because I’m like I said not a muscular guy. I’m more like a lean fit guy and I have been fucking quite hot models. So it’s not that.
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What one girl told me is that I’m too nice.
That’s it!
And they feel too comfortable. But also that I’m not flirty enough and maybe too respectful towards women. I think that sounds rather strange but I have quite some female friends.
They’re feeling too comfortable around you. And that you’re too respectful… What they’re really saying is “You are crawling up my ass.” You’re crawling up the ass of every woman and you’re trying to be as nice as you can so that they approve of you and that doesn’t feel pleasant. Because I mean even with our best friends, even my best friend, we get into arguments sometimes and we tell each other “Yo what the hell, man?! This is fucking bullshit and shut the fuck up, you’re stupid.” You know. Even with our closest best friends we’re gonna be honest with them, and we’re gonna challenge them, and we’re gonna tell them when we don’t like something. But imagine if you would always not be honest with your best friends and you would always tell them what they want to hear. Yeah, maybe a narcissist would like that. But the average person won’t like that because what kind of friendship is that? You can’t grow with a person like that. And a woman wants to be with a man with whom she can grow. So if you’re always too respectful, always to approving, doing too many good things for women, favors… They’re gonna get really bored really quickly.
And you also say “I have a lot of female friends.” So that tells me that you’re looking for female approval. What about your male friends? You should have roughly 50, 50 percent allocation between men… male and female friends. Because otherwise, you’re not going to have a good balance between masculinity and femininity. Men, well, any person, actually, for that matter, should have both roughly… we should be able to use both our masculine and our feminine sides if you’re always hanging out with women, you’re probably very much in your feminine. If you’re always only hanging out with men, you’re probably always in your masculine. And you want to be in that spot as a man where you can probably be in your masculine maybe 60% of the time, but if you need it, you can use your feminine traits. So 40%-ish and you can rely on your feminine traits when you need it, but primarily you’re in your masculine. If you’re hanging out with women all the time, that means that you’re not in your masculine, most likely. And the woman is going to see that and she won’t like that.
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However, I believe it’s more probable that my female friends start a lesbian relationship together than me having a girlfriend anytime soon. I don’t feel desperate but got rejected or friend zoned and become frustrated after a time. Do you have any tips on how I can be more than friends with a girl?
Well, the first thing, again, you need to stop… Well, you say yourself here you said “I don’t feel desperate” but I disagree because your sentence started off like this: “It’s more likely that one of my female friends will turn out lesbians than me getting a girlfriend“, and right after that you say “I am not desperate.” Now here is a truth bomb. Do you know how many women, men, women, and transsexuals, I’m putting these all in one category… You know how many people are estimated roughly in the USA to be there in this big category of being gay, lesbian and transsexual? What do you think is the percentage? Take an educated guess. I’m gonna count to three. Everyone, make an educated guess what do you think how many people is it roughly? One, two, three. Well, it’s roughly three percent of the population, or was it four? I forgot the exact number but it’s really low. You would actually expect that it’s much higher because you see it in the news all the time. Social justice warriors.
But actually there’s not that many gay, or bisexual, and so on, and transsexual people in the world. So how likely is it that you are going to get a girlfriend before one of your female friends are turning lesbian? Well, it should be more likely that you find a girlfriend. And much, much higher actually. You have like a 1 in 10 higher chance than they do. So that tells me you are actually desperate because you really believe that you cannot get a girlfriend at all. I mean, what are the odds that you won’t get a girlfriend versus one of your friends turning into a lesbian? The odds are really fucking low! So that just shows me how disproportionate your confidence is and how desperate you actually feel deep down. You’re just not admitting it to yourself.
So now he has a scenario of what’s going wrong:
Friend Zone Mixed Signals: Your Neediness Gets you Friendzoned! How to Get Her Back after Being Needy?
So to give you an example of how these things tend to go down. Here’s a breakdown of the last time I got friend zoned, which also really messed up with my brain because I got two completely opposite responses from the same girl.
Congruence is key. If you don’t get congruence from a woman, there’s something wrong.
So there’s this girl in my class that I really like. We talk a lot and we spend a lot of time studying together, and working on assignments. We also spend time together during parties. But I feel like she’s often more occupied with dancing, having fun, and talking to other men, rather than talking to me, or hanging out.
So you’re essentially primarily a friend. She’s spending more time with other men. She’s probably hooking up with these men. You know, you’re going to parties together and you expect to spend time with her, and talk to her, but she’s probably just there with you because she likes you and maybe the studying with you is convenient. But when she goes to those parties there are men who are willing to make a move, because well, these men are going to seduce her. And she wants that. If you are studying right now… You didn’t mention your age but you’re probably 20, 21, 23, something like that. So you know, at that age we want to experiment and we want to get to know our sexuality. And women want to do this as well. So most likely, right now the girl that you like, she’s probably fucking guys while you are hoping that she’s gonna talk to you at that bar.
Since I like her a lot, I told her that I like her. But she didn’t feel the same way and said that she wanted to keep spending time with me as a friend, because she really appreciates studying with me.
Yeah, it’s convenient!
I respected her and accepted that she’s not interested in me but I also became withdrawn from her and stopped studying with her most of the time because I felt very awkward and uncomfortable about it.
That is the right way to go about it. So what you did wrong was you shouldn’t have told her that you like her. I mean, if you are at a bar, if you meet an attractive woman, or if you start dating a woman, you’re not gonna tell her “I like you.” Do you know why you’re not gonna tell her that? Because first of all, she should be one that says that. Second of all, it’s an approval seeking method. It’s like “Oh, I like you! Please tell me that you like me too!” And third, it’s basically the most pussy-ish method of trying to get a girl to say “okay, let’s date.” You know, so what is something that’s more scary? What is more risky? To kiss the girl, to get closer to her, and to try to get her on the bed, or to get her into the bedroom, or to touch her thighs, and to start touching her in sexual ways. All of these things are risky. And there’s a lot of uncomfortable rejection that comes with it. So that turns a woman on because that shows her that you’re willing to take risks.
That’s a masculine quality. A woman wants to see that you’re willing to take risks because only through taking risks are you going to be able to take charge and take care of her. Now you’re choosing to go down the road of “Hey, I really like you. What about you?” Yeah, sure, you can also get rejected that way but it is not that scary. You’re kind of mentally prepared for it and all that’s gonna happen is she’s gonna say “no” and you don’t have to basically put yourself out there. Yes, you’re putting yourself out there to some extent, but it’s not even close to trying to kiss a woman. It’s just a much different reaction that you’re going to get. And I’m assuming you’re doing this via text probably as well.
So you’re telling her “Hey I like you” probably via text. You know, less risk required. Now it’s even easier. You can do this… you can literally do this in your sleep now, basically, whereas if you are right there in front of a woman and you see her in the bar, you’re not gonna shout “Hey, I like you.” You’re gonna have to take action, okay? And so you’re taking as much action to not take action, basically. That’s not sexy. Obviously, she friendzones you because of that.
So you did one thing right: You told her I felt awkward and I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, or didn’t want to study with her anymore. “And so I distanced myself.” That is the right thing to do because if she doesn’t like you romantically, then you shouldn’t spend time with her because well, that hurts you and you should see yourself as a king. And a king deserves a gorgeous woman. A gorgeous woman who fucks him. A gorgeous woman who rides him at night. If she doesn’t want you and you want her romantically, sorry can’t do anything! You’re gonna find a woman who wants that, because I mean, why would you go for the woman who doesn’t give you the things that you want, when two days later you can meet a woman who will go fucking batshit crazy for you, and she will blow your brains out? Why would any man who respects himself and who loves himself, who wants the best for himself, why would any man not go for that? ` There’s just no reason not to go for that.
You’re probably inexperienced and you think that you don’t deserve better. Once you have more sex, once you date more women… When I was in my early 20s, also obviously in my like, when I was 19, 18, and so on up to roughly 20 years, 25… I didn’t have that much sex. So I had the same frame of mind. I didn’t expect that I deserve a lot of sex. I didn’t expect women to please me. I expected to please women. But once I had more experience with having sex and actually also trying to seduce women proactively, I realized well, wow! This is really great! I deserve this! I see myself as a king! And if a woman won’t give me what I want, there’s another woman who’s willing to give me that. So thank you, next! That’s how you have to look at it.
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Some weeks later I went out with some friends and met some girls. My friend took some IG stories and she saw the stories, and then she confronted me and said ‘how can you say you like me but yet go out with other girls? Were none of the things you said real?
So all of a sudden she cares! Women, once you don’t give them all the conveniences, once you stop treating them like queens, they’re gonna come and show that they’re interested. Maybe this girl did like you to some extent. You know, it’s not like she doesn’t appreciate you, but you don’t have the confidence, the game, where she feels like “Okay, I can trust you.” Because once a woman trusts, she discovers her lust. Once she trusts you that you’re confident, the legs will open and she’s gonna basically beg you to fuck her. So now she’s showing interest, after you basically disappeared. And then she sees a picture, or whatever, video with some girls, and “Hey, what the fuck is going on?! Why are you talking to these girls?”
It’s classic!
I answered her question: ‘Of course, it was real! I really care about you. It’s not like I talked to these girls on purpose. These girls talked to me, so I don’t get what the problem is.
Well, now you’re justifying and you’re trying to get out of trouble. Like dude, what the hell, man? I don’t know. Did these girls talk to you or you started talking to them? Whatever! who the fuck cares? It’s not like you have to justify it to you yourself or to her. You’re not her boyfriend and you’re basically seeking for approval. Again, you’re saying “I really care about you and it’s not like I talked to them on purpose. Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong!” Well, yeah, you didn’t do anything wrong, but now you’re acting like you did do something wrong! So now you’re being weak and needy again. So she just initiates the contact again and tries to inquire about these girls because she’s starting to feel that you are not that needy, and now you’re being needy again. What do you think is gonna happen next? She’s gonna friendzone you again, most likely.
So what I would have said is I wouldn’t have gone and justified it that much. What I would have just said is when she asked you “did you not mean that when you said you care about me?“, I would have said, maybe just “What do you mean?” Like just silence. What do you mean? And then you just wait because you have no idea what she means, and maybe she needs to clarify when she’s asking that. Or just say”Yeah, of course I meant it.” That’s it. That’s it. And then you gave her some validation and she knows “oh shit he really likes me but well shit I did friendzone him, so what can I do? I can’t complain. It’s not his fault. And he really meant it but I turned it down, so either I make a move now and I reverse my position and I say ‘okay, hey why don’t we go out on a date?’ or looks like he’s gonna date someone else.” That’s how it is. I wouldn’t justify so much. So he then says… So keep in mind: He said he tried to justify it and then he asked what is the problem here.
…’Nothing, I just feel like you weren’t honest with me.’ to which I said ‘Of course, I was being honest! Why are you angry all of a sudden?’ and then she said ‘Nevermind’…
So now you’re turning it into an argument and you’re kind of attacking her. Kind of. So now she feels awkward. She just wanted to basically show you “Hey I kind of do care about you. I didn’t care enough to date you yet or be in a relationship with you but I do kind of emotionally care about you.” … and now she’s inquiring but now you’re turning it into an argument and you saying “why are you angry all of a sudden?!” That shows that you’re being defensive. What is defensiveness? It’s neediness. It’s like you’re trying to again get her approval. “Why are you so angry? Please don’t be angry at me.” So what do you expect is going to happen? Friendzoning!
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We haven’t talked about it since then. She seemed really moody and it just didn’t make any sense at all. We haven’t talked for over a week and I’m not sure what to do. I obviously pissed her off.” Yeah, kinda. “But she acts like it’s my fault that she friendzoned me.
Yeah, maybe she did like you. Maybe she didn’t expect you to just start flirting with other women. Whatever her reason for friend zoning was, I think she probably friend-zoned you because you were a bit too needy and too nice. You said this yourself that girls always say that you’re being too nice. So she kind of felt uncomfortable with this and then especially when you told her “Hey I like you,” you backed her into a corner and you told her this in a very needy way, instead of just taking charge. I mean if you study together, you know, it’s cliche, I’m pretty sure you even have that.
There’s probably even movies about this stuff where young teenagers studying together… What’s gonna happen. You know, you’re gonna touch each other, and kiss each other, and that’s exactly how you should do it. When you are alone together with a woman in a room, it’s always an opportunity to seduce her and to make a move. If you’re not making a move, well, she’s gonna feel that you’re insecure and then when the only time when you make a move is if you take the safest route to get her approval by telling her you like her, of course, she’s gonna turn you down. So what should you do now… So I would suggest this woman might have some interest in you because obviously, she asked “Hey, why are you talking to these girls? What’s going on? I thought you liked me?” So that indicates she probably did like you. I don’t think she was playing hard to get. I just think that she was turned off by your neediness.
So what I would do is just keep going on with your life, don’t talk to her. Don’t try to rectify this situation. Go out again. Meet more girls and most likely she is going to message you again because at least she knows now that she made a mistake, probably, so there’s a sign that she is interested. So the next time when she reaches out, don’t even talk about it. Just say “hey, it’s been a long time that I heard from you and we should hang out again. Why don’t we go out and grab a drink or something.” And maybe don’t do like your studying stuff. And go somewhere where you’re alone. Don’t do like a casual meetup with friends. It needs to be something intimate, where it’s just the two of you. And she needs to get the message that you want more. And so either you do something where you’re alone that feels more like a date, or you do nothing, quite frankly. And I think she kind of got the message that you liked her and she got the message that okay, if she doesn’t change her opinion about the whole friend zone stuff, and just being friends, then she’s gonna lose you. And that is everything that she needs to know.
So you just need to stop looking for approval and the next time when you hang out with her, hang out with her alone. You need to take action. You need to kiss her. You need to touch her. And maybe you can see if she touches you first. I don’t know. You didn’t mention this. Maybe she has given you some signs already that she likes you but you didn’t take action. Could be as well. But that’s what you need to do. And this was a good sign that she still has some level of interest and you gotta make a move. You gotta make a move when she comes back. So I think the bottom line from this video is from your messages: You need to be more masculine and like you said, you hang out too much with women. And you also mentioned that you don’t take action. You didn’t take action, except for messaging her that you like her. You need to take physical action. That’s masculine. That is sexy. If a woman has some level of attraction for you, let’s say on a scale of one to ten, she has an attraction level of six, seven, eight, maybe even a five, if you make a move, that is attractive. Because a lot of guys don’t have the guts to do that. A lot of guys are too much in their feminine, and a woman doesn’t want to be with a man who’s feminine.
So I hope that was helpful. I wish you good luck and don’t forget to unleash the king within. Now, if you need some more help, there’s of course a few ways I can help you. But first, of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel. Let me know in the comments below what do you think about this. Do you agree with me do you not agree with me? And then if you need more help, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within“. I talk a lot about confidence, seeing yourself as a king. What I mentioned earlier. I don’t think that you recognize that you are a king and that you deserve a beautiful woman. So this book will help you to see the king within you. And to then attract a woman like her. Or maybe an even better woman than her. You can also enroll in my coaching programs “Confidence King” and “Financial Freedom King” and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me and I will see all of you kings in the next video.
