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Can you really make your ex miss you? Important psychology behind no contact rule!

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video we’re gonna talk about does no contact work? Does it actually work to make an ex miss you? I have a message from a guy who basically does not believe that no contact works and he’s not doing it right. And I think one of the reasons why he’s not doing it right is because he’s just too focused on her. So if you always think about your ex, then, of course, you’re going to fail no contact. And you’re going to assume that it’s not working.

And you’re thinking that she doesn’t miss you. But just because you don’t hear from your ex and that she doesn’t reach out to you, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t miss you. So a lot of guys make the mistake that they assume that they know what their ex is thinking. You never know what another person is thinking. It’s just impossible! Making an assumption about these kind of things is dangerous. So let’s get right into his message and let’s see what I have to say.

Hi coach, I wanted to ask you about no contact and share my thoughts with you about all of it. I think that no contact isn’t helping at all with my ex-girlfriend. I thought that not reaching out to her would make her miss me but to me, it seems that it is doing the exact opposite. My ex seems to have moved on and I don’t think that she misses me at all.

The question is: How do you actually know that? Just because she doesn’t message you doesn’t mean that she doesn’t miss you. You can miss somebody that you haven’t talked to for a long time. I miss all of my friends in the Philippines that I haven’t seen for two years and I haven’t talked to a lot of them for quite some time. I do still miss them! So you don’t know what your ex is thinking. You don’t know if she’s dating someone. You don’t know if she feels lonely. You don’t know if she’s depressed and if you’re, for example, looking at her social media, you can’t really trust that because everybody who always posts on social media is only posting their highlights. It’s very rare that people post there that they’re lonely. Or that they’re feeling depressed. Or that they’re feeling isolated. All of these kinds of things. We rarely post these things on there.

I try to make it a habit to post these things about myself more often because well, first of all, it is kind of good to have vulnerability as a coach. But just in general, I want to be real and I don’t just want to highlight all the good parts about my life. And I think that’s important to connect with people and so your ex is probably not sharing on social media that she feels like shit or that she misses you. Especially, she doesn’t want to show that to her friends who probably think the breakup was a good thing. So stop thinking that you are a detective who can figure out exactly what she’s doing or thinking about right now. Because that’s never gonna work.

My ex and I broke up two months ago. I admit that I had been going too crazy after our breakup. I freaked out when I realized that it was over. For some reason, I thought that we could fix our breakup and thought that the breakup was only temporary, but after four days of being broken up and not hearing from her at all, I finally realized that my ex was dead serious about us being over. I guess I didn’t expect her to push through with it because we had only moved in together less than three months before the breakup and we had two ‘mini breakups’ before that. Back then, we basically just didn’t see each other for a few days. So it was more like small fights followed by a bit of silence and distance.

That is a big mistake to make and that’s a big mistake that a lot of men make who are inexperienced. Also, women can make that mistake but it’s more common with men that you assume there’s just a few small issues here and there, so it’s fine! So a lot of men have the problem that they don’t realize that: Yes, a few small issues here and there are actually huge problems! And nowadays, it is really surprising to me how anyone would ever think that if your relationship isn’t great, then why would you think that it is on good terms?

So you say it here: You had two “mini breakups“. So even if these breakups were not that serious… It was just… It sounds like you had some fights here and there and then your ex was back then angry at you, and then she was just basically ignoring you, or not talking to you. Maybe she just ignored you and you know, just not really talking to you, when she was hanging out with you, or when you were living together. Something like that. So it didn’t seem so serious but why would you actually think that if something like that happens in your relationship… If you have a fight and then you just ignore each other for a day or two… If that happens more than once you should really be worried because that just bottles up until at some point it becomes too big!

And so you realized eventually: “Whoops, actually this is quite a big issue!” and now she seems like she’s really done. So if you have too many breakups, you should already be really worried and think “”Shit! We are close to breaking up for good!” and you should focus on how can you resolve these issues? And not think about what are some duct tape solutions like getting back together, then you have some nice breakfast, or whatever… Or you go have dinner or something like that. Of course, it is a nice thing to do but you have to have long-term solutions. You have to have rituals in place to love each other lovingly and to not repeat these small fights over and over, because eventually you’re gonna break up again.

And in this case, now it was too much. She couldn’t handle it anymore and she was done. So that’s something that you have to focus on in the future. So don’t go thinking if you have some small problems here and there, that they can just be quickly fixed and then it’s done. No, you have to fix the foundation! Not just the symptoms on top of it!

So anyway, after I realized that she was serious about the breakup, I became needy and started begging until I learned about no contact. I then did no contact for almost two months but I realized that it didn’t solve the problem. My ex just wouldn’t message me and I began to worry that she had completely moved on and found someone else.

What are the odds that someone moves on after 2 months? Even in relationships that haven’t been that long, it’s relatively unlikely that a person just forgets you after two months. The reality is most people don’t forget their ex-partners ever. Some people may eventually not want to get back with an ex after a long period of time, but you might still think about them. I still remember my ex from 10+ years ago. It was a great relationship and if I would ever somehow run into this ex again, I might try it again because she was great, but back then I was just young and I didn’t know what I was doing. So people don’t just move on. People don’t just forget their ex-partners.

And just because you haven’t heard from her for two months… Two months is not a very long time. Two months is that period when your ex barely is starting to forget all the negative stuff about your relationship. So two to three months is roughly the best spot where exes realize they miss you and they want you back and then they might reach out to you. It could also take longer but two months is really not that long. So you should give it some more time and I’m gonna go into this in a moment, why you should give it some more time, and some psychological principles that explain why all of this actually works.

This brings me to where I am at right now. I reached out to my ex-girlfriend last week but our conversation was very short. It’s as if she didn’t even care about me and couldn’t care less to talk to me. I really think that no contact has been the last straw for her to be over us and now I’m worried that I might have disappointed my ex with no contact. I think it was a mistake to not message her and try to convince her to get back together because it looks like she doesn’t miss me any longer.

So there are two things that I want to go into here. First of all, you think that maybe you’ve disappointed your ex and that she’s really disappointed that you haven’t reached out to her. Thinking that it shows that you don’t care about her, for example. But the reality is most exes are not going to think that because at that point in time they couldn’t care less about you. An ex that is either super anxious or super avoidant might think that, because they might think either when they’re anxious that they haven’t heard from you for a while. So it verifies that you don’t care about them. Their fears that you don’t care about them were right. Or on the other side of the spectrum, a woman who’s very avoidant, they might always think they push people away, and they push them away because they think people don’t care about them, and then again the assumption that the ex doesn’t care about me is true.

But that’s, typically, with exes that are extremely insecure. Most of the time they won’t care about this. they will just be surprised that they haven’t heard from you and eventually they’re gonna miss you. Now the second thing that I can tell here based on your message is you say that it feels like she didn’t really want to talk to you. It was very weird, probably. It was a short conversation. I’m assuming you just exchanged a few messages. A few lines here and there and that was it. So you felt there was no connection and it seems to you that she’s really cold and she’s over you. Well, that just shows me that these two months haven’t been enough time yet.

For some exes, you need much more time depending on how the breakup ended and how she feels. It could take a month. It could even take shorter. Honestly, some exes just come back after a week. It could also take three months or for some exes they really need a lot of time. Like six months to cool down. So clearly, your ex is in that phase where she still doesn’t really want to get back with you. She’s in that phase where she probably doesn’t even miss you that much yet. So reaching out to her was really bad because now she’s basically annoyed or at the very least, she’s a little bit turned off. So it was not the right thing to message her. So now before I go into some of the principles that I want to mention, I’m just going to wrap it up with what he’s saying.

What’s the right approach when your ex doesn’t respond to no contact but she also won’t respond to you reaching out to her? It seems that all hope is lost. I don’t want to lose her. We had a really good relationship despite a few small issues.

So I really don’t think that all hope is lost. You’ve only done no contact based on your story basically, not even two months, no? So it was very, very short! And then you reached out to her again. Now I’m gonna mention a few principles here… You probably heard me talk about the fading affect bias more than once, which basically suggests that humans, men and women, forget the negative emotions over time. So negative emotion, obviously, is to break up. All the hurt that happened. Why she broke up. Your ex is going to forget that. And after roughly three months to one year, this is the period where most of it happens. After one year you can’t really forget that much negative stuff anymore. Then there are a few more biases that are very interesting. The general consensus in psychology is that humans always think that the past is actually better than the present, or especially the future. So this is called declinism, or negativity bias.

There are probably a lot of other biases that I can’t remember right now. I’m going to go into these more in detail in my course that’s coming out very soon. But the bottom line is people basically think and you’ve heard this all: The time back in the day… Everything was better. People think the past was better. So when your ex is forgetting all the negative stuff about you and then she meets some other guy, for example, or maybe she’s not satisfied with Tinder. Maybe she meets a lot of guys that she just, in general, doesn’t like. Or maybe she’s having no luck with dating at all. Whatever it is, she’s gonna think that what is going on right now is not as great as what she had in the past. Or she also might think “What about the future? What is the future going to be like?” And that’s another bias that humans have. We always think that the future is not going to be that great. We are really great at expecting the worst.

And you’re probably doing the same thing. You’re thinking no contact isn’t working. You’re thinking she’s moving on. You’re thinking in three months from now she’s over it. She’s probably already dating someone else. Or she’s maybe moved in with another guy. That is your bias kicking in. The thinking that the future is going to be worse than the past. You think all of the bad scenarios are going to come true. You have to remind yourself that that is not true! There is absolutely no guarantee that everything that you think that’s going to happen is going to happen. It’s much more likely that your ex is going to eventually miss you and reach out to you and then it’s all up to you to make it right. Now, of course, the question is what do you do? I think your problem is you’re too much occupied about the thought of what is going to happen.

Is she going to move on? Is she going to miss me? And so the question that I wanted to answer with this video, of course, was does an ex miss you or can you actually make her miss you with no contact? The answer is yes. But the thing is you don’t know when that happens. You don’t know exactly the time. You don’t know if it’s currently going on. And that is precisely why you should stop focusing about these thoughts. Instead, you should focus on yourself. Unleash the king within. Always focus on yourself. Keep busy. Distract yourself. It doesn’t even have to be something super grand.

So I am a big believer of being strong as a man. Following your goals. Your purpose. Your passion. Your contribution goals. They call this Dharma in Hinduism. It’s a great concept. These things that intersect… What are you passionate about? I’m passionate about music. What is my purpose? My purpose is this channel. What is my contribution? Helping you and in the future, I also want to build a men’s group and I’m probably going to do this through this channel. These are my goals. What do you want to stay busy with for yourself? And it doesn’t have to be like you want to change the world. Purpose goals… Not everybody can figure out his purpose goals right now. But for example, passion. Maybe you’re passionate also about music? Or maybe you’re passionate about workout. Maybe you’re passionate about cars. About tuning. About I don’t know what it is. There are so many things that you could be passionate about and I’m sure you’re already passionate about them. So focus on these things. Focus on what can you do for yourself right now into the future because then you’re not gonna be occupied with your thoughts of what is she doing? And that’s really the key for getting an ex back. I just gotta drink something been talking too much.

Because the thing is if you miss her all the time and you don’t know what you’re supposed to do with your own life, what do you think is gonna happen when she eventually actually does miss you and messages you? You’re gonna be an emotional wreck and when she sees that she’s gonna be so turned off. And if someone has been in the picture, if she’s already seeing someone or thinking about seeing someone, when she realizes that you don’t have your shit together, when she realizes you’ve only been waiting for her, you haven’t been busy, you haven’t been focusing on yourself, you’re not a king, you’re really weak. Then she’s gonna run away again. So you have to unleash the king within instead of thinking is she going to miss me? Ask yourself this: What kind of person should you be so that she actually misses you? What makes you awesome? What are your best qualities? What are the things that you should focus on so that when she sees you again she will realize that you are the best choice to date? And of course, then when you get back together, you have to talk about your issues.

Like I said these mini breakups that you’ve had, they are really a bad negative sign. You should have realized way before that this relationship is half broken and duct tape is not the solution. So when you get back together, or if you get back together, you have to talk about this. You have to talk about how can you resolve these issues? And it’s not about figuring out like that one thing that resolves it temporarily but rather what are some small tweaks here and there in your relationship that you can implement so that you’re both happier long term. And you have to talk about this. A king, someone who’s not afraid to do the hard stuff, he will talk about the things that he’s scared of. He will talk about the things that are uncomfortable. And he will hold himself and his queen accountable. That’s what you have to do. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

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Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help men unleash their confidence and reach their fullest potential. My science-backed philosophy is: “The king is already a winner.” — Amazing women are already attracted to you. All a king has to do is use this attraction to his advantage.

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