Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about dumper’s pain and dumper’s remorse. Does your ex girlfriend actually feel remorse? Does she feel pain? Does she actually miss you? Or does she really move on that fast? And in this video specifically, I have a great situation where you can see that sometimes exes will very explicitly state that they’re over you, that they’re done with you, they’re so happy to be without you. And well, let’s just see what this might take on this. And well, the too long didn’t read us that this is basically nonsense. You know, you don’t move on that quickly from an ex and there’s no reason to blast this out to the world. But anyways, let’s see what’s going on. So I have a situation from a guy who has been dumped by a girl. And he feels like she’s moving on really quickly. And yeah, let’s see what’s going on.
The Illusion Of Exes Moving On: The Deception Of Social Media During No Contact
Hey, Andi, I’m struggling so hard with dealing with my breakup and my ex seems to be moving on so easily. No contact is tearing me apart because I can’t help but look at my ex girlfriend’s social media. She seems to be so happy and even worse. I saw her post a video on TikTok in a sexy dress a week ago with a video caption that said, ‘When it’s two weeks and you moved on.’ And the video description said something like, ‘Actually, even that’s too long.’ I can’t understand how she’s able to move on like I never existed.
So basically your ex is flexing. She’s like, “Yeah, when it’s been two weeks since the breakup and you’ve already moved on, life is so much better without you.” And the caption says, “Actually, even that’s too long.” And what I say to that is: Actually, that’s complete horse shit. There is no way that after two weeks you’ve moved on. There’s no way that after two weeks you think that, you know, this was actually too long. Why the fuck would you even need to post that? Why would she need to post this on her social media? Why would you need to make a TikTok about being so happy? Newsflash: People who are happy do not make posts about how fucking happy they are. I barely use my social media these days. And yes, I used to be a very codependent man, maybe five years ago. And I would always post on social media and pretend that I’m doing great and all that shit. And then at some point I started reading a lot of self-help books and started growing and improving myself and fixing myself. And then realized, what the fuck, man? Why would I always post this shit to get people’s approval? She wants people’s approval. She wants to bullshit herself that everything is fine, that she doesn’t need you, that it’s perfect. I’m not saying that she’s not feeling some relief of being without you right now. There’s also pain. It’s not like she dumps you and now all of a sudden everything is perfect.
Impression Management And Breakups: The Psychology Behind Social Media Flexing
And there’s also just one thing that I wanna mention here: This is why you should never check out a social media profile of your ex. You say that you look at her social media every now and then and she seems so happy. Like I said, this happens very often that people, not just women, but everyone in general actually wants to create a good impression of themselves to their social circle. This is actually, I think it’s called impression management, theory if I remember correctly. Basically, we all wanna bullshit people that we’re doing great in life, especially after a breakup. It’s so common that we need to bullshit ourselves that we made the right choice. And so women, they might not have been happy with a guy in a relationship for whatever reason, maybe he didn’t treat her right, maybe it wasn’t the right thing, whatever the reason is. She wasn’t happy, but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t love the guy. So it’s the same thing here in your case.
If she wouldn’t care about you, she wouldn’t be posting that sexy dress photo because for who is she posting that photo? Doesn’t make sense because already when she was in a relationship, she didn’t feel happy with you. So when she was with you, she didn’t feel appreciated. She felt like something was missing and probably her ego was hurting already. Now that she’s not with you anymore, her ego should no longer be hurting because what has been pulling her down is now no longer pulling her down. So there’s no reason to make a post about how happy she is because her ego should be, in quotes, “fine” now. Of course, there’s still breakup pain, but she shouldn’t need to post this. So, take this with a grain of salt. I don’t think that she’s super happy, go lucky and “I’m so beautiful. No, life is so great.” That’s just full of shit, man. That’s bullshit. Anyway, so let’s continue.
Recognizing Relationship Warning Signs: Understanding Relationship Dynamics With Your Ex
So to give a little background on our relationship, we dated for one and a half years and broke up one month ago and things were going pretty well for the most part. We had our ups and downs with some fights and drama, but I thought we were both happy overall. Even just thinking about our time together makes me sad. We had so many good vacations and couple dates, but she decided to end it just because we had some communication problems. I know that I sometimes started losing my temper and shouldn’t have been raising my voice too easily with her, but I could have addressed it if she would have warned me how she felt.
Well, women rarely give too many warnings. They will, you know, once or twice express something that they don’t like if it’s something big, but if they feel like there’s no improvement, in general, the situation, the relationship, they will try to do what they can to make it better, or they think they’re doing something better, but then when they feel that what they’ve been trying doesn’t work, then they just give up on the relationship and they become more and more resentful. And at some point they’re gonna leave basically. So, you know, she probably felt that the raising voice issue, that was not something that could be fixed. So I don’t know how much she warned you in the past, but I’m sure that there was like at least some buildup. And if you would have paid a little bit more attention to it, then you probably wouldn’t have led it to that situation. I mean, ultimately, if I now would be raising my voice with the girl that I’m dating right now, I would just automatically know, okay, I fucking fucked up and what I’m doing right now is completely wrong and I need to change what I’m doing, whatever’s going on with me right now. I need to fix that. As soon as I do something that is a big red flag, I should just know, okay, you know what, put on the brakes. Something is wrong, I need to address this.
You don’t need your girlfriend to tell you this if it’s something so big. And yeah, raising your voice is not the biggest thing in the world, but for me, I’m a pretty chill dude and I try to be really calm and I always try to be a good boyfriend. And I try to not get angry and I try to control myself. Emotional self-control is really important for me. There’s probably nothing that I hate more than men who just have no fucking self-control. Man, if you get angry or if you don’t treat your woman right because of something with your ego, then you’re just a weak beta male, you just can’t control yourself. Now I’m not saying this to insult you or something like that. I’m just saying, fix yourself. If you have some issues, don’t let them out on your woman. If you do that, I mean, you’re just not a king, you are tyrant, that makes you weak. So it probably was something that was building up and you should have seen this coming, but you didn’t. Anyways, let’s continue.
Coping With Loneliness During No Contact: Never Look At Your Ex’s Social Media
I feel like we could have fixed it, but she sat me down and told me she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore and that she wanted some space to reflect if we are right for each other and that she thought it was best if we broke up. I was devastated and of course, I begged her not to do this. I definitely cried too much in front of her, unfortunately. Anyway, now I am trying to do no contact, but it’s tearing me apart. I’m trying to walk away, but I can’t cope with the loneliness and knowing how she’s done with the relationship. What’s extremely bothering me is how quickly she seems to have moved on. We haven’t spoken since the breakup, but from what I’ve seen on social media, she’s been going out and having a great time with friends and she even posted a story with a new guy she’s been hanging out with. Yes, I’m guilty of stalking her, but to my defense, I’m watching her stories anonymously with a website that lets you view them anonymously.
So first of all, there’s no anonymous viewing of stories or something like that. Is she gonna know that you watch her stories? Not directly, but basically, if you use a tool to anonymously view her stories on, let’s say, IG, for example, Instagram has the feature that it shows you who viewed the story. That’s just how it works. You can’t hide that. I believe on TikTok you can hide it, but you know, unless the app specifically allows you to hide it, there’s just no going around this. So if you use a tool that anonymously watches stories, she’s going to see that some weird account watched her stories and she’s gonna be like, who’s that, what account is that? And then she might Google and she might find out, hmm, okay, this is the whatever, Instagram Stories Viewer or something like that. It’s probably a common account name that a lot of people see on the Internet and she’s gonna know most likely that it was you who watched her.
But even if she wouldn’t know, man, don’t stalk her, don’t do it, I don’t care. Stalking an ex on social media is the worst thing to do because you’re wasting your time, you’re feeling like shit, you’re not getting anything done and you’re just watching her progress and feel, in quotes, “better“. Now, of course, she’s just going through what I would like to call the hoe phase. She’s with her friends, partying, having a good time, now everything’s perfect. You’re like, “She’s moving on and she doesn’t care about me.” No, you know what? That’s basically projecting away from the problem. She’s probably feeling a lot of pain. Now she’s hooking up, she’s meeting guys. Maybe she’s hooking up with this guy probably or at least she’s trying to show that she’s happy and maybe she’s also deluding herself that she thinks she’s happy with this guy and she thinks this guy is so great, there are no problems. Well, there are never problems at the beginning of a relationship or when you start dating someone. So she’s basically trying to lie to herself that everything is fine.
That’s why you should never look at an ex’s social media. The best thing that you can do, really, if you have a breakup, you unfollow, not necessarily unfriend, but you could unfriend as well, but at the very least unfollow so you don’t see anything. Unfollow / mute and you basically don’t look at that profile ever and I really mean ever. One year, three years, three years until you hear from her again, you don’t ever look at her profile because you’re done with this. You’re focused on yourself. You’re doing no contact for yourself, feel better and if she comes back and she wants to give it in another shot, that is amazing. If you don’t get another shot. You will have worked on yourself. You won’t have been looking at her stories, feeling like shit instead. You focused on yourself, not partying, but working and establishing a new business, a new passion, a new hobby, becoming more attractive in the eyes of everybody around you, including women and of course, your ex. And when she doesn’t come back, then you still reap all of those rewards but if you always stalk on social media, yeah, I mean, you’re not doing anything.
You’re basically doing the same thing that she’s doing. You’re just wasting your time with something that you think or that you believe will help you feel better. She believes that partying will help her feel better. You believe that looking at her social media will make you feel better, or at least, will give you some insight or something that gives you some clarity to figure out your situation. No, that’s not gonna solve your situation or you’re not gonna figure out what to do next. Just focus on yourself. Reflect. Write down on pen and paper what you want to do with your life and then try an error, see what works for you, try something new and if it doesn’t make me happy, you try again but just looking for these things, trying to fix the symptoms instead of the root cause, it never works. It won’t work for your ex and it won’t work for you. All right, so let’s continue what you’re saying.
Breaking Free From Social Media Stalking: Redirecting Energy Towards Self-Improvement
I know I shouldn’t be stalking her on social media but it’s hard not to and every time I see her out having fun, it just feels like a punch to the gut. I’ve been doing no contact since the breakup. I haven’t contacted her at all but I’m not doing well. I am sad, lonely, depressed in a constant state of anxiety. I miss her a lot and I feel like I wasn’t good enough for her especially when I see her post videos like the TikTok video. It’s like she’s saying I wasn’t a good boyfriend at all. I know I wasn’t perfect but she acts like without me, everything is better and for me, everything is worse now. I know I need to use no contact to work on myself and heal but I’m not even getting started yet. I’m just lost. I never felt this lost in my life. I need your advice what to do now. How can I really use no contact when no contact is hurting me so much? Thank you for your advice, thanks Noah.
The reason why no contact is hurting you so much is because you’re using it for all the wrong reasons. Again, I promote my course very often in the videos. Obviously, I wanna make some money so sorry about that. But one of the things that I have in my course, I used to do yoga. I don’t use it do it that much right now but I’m probably gonna get back to yoga soon but in yoga, they have this thing called a Sankalpa. It’s called an intention. So typically, when you do a yoga session, the first thing that you do before you start the yoga session is you have a Sankalpa, an intention, where you basically just say something quickly and saying to yourself, why are you at this yoga session? For a lot of people that’s typically, I want to relax, I want to de-stress, I want to relieve tension in my chest or my body, something like that. For most people, yoga is a tension reliever, a stress reliever. For some people based on what kind of yoga it is, it’s also a very hardcore workout. Maybe your attention could also be, I want to get fit and I wanna get ripped or something like that. Whatever your intention is, you get the idea. You’re basically going into it to feel better about yourself.
And with no contact, you have to do the same thing. So in my course, a few times, maybe three or four times in my course, I repeat this Sankalpa that I tell everyone who’s taking the course, just remind themselves, that they’re doing this not to get her back, but to feel better about yourself and when she comes back, you will be happy. You will feel like a complete king and she is going to see that. And if she doesn’t see that, you will still be happy. Something like that, I kind of forgot what the exact wording is on the Sankalpa. It’s a bit deeper than that, a bit deeper than that, but pretty straightforward. And that’s basically how you need to look at no contact. You’re doing no contact just for the sake of getting your ex. You want that anxiety relief, you want your back, you want to know that everything’s fine, you want to know that no, she hasn’t moved on and then no, she doesn’t think you’re a piece of shit and you don’t think that it’s true, that she thinks that everything without you is better. And yeah, I gave you some evidence right now that that’s not the case. And I’m sure that’s exactly what you wanted to hear, but that’s the problem.
No Contact And Self-Reflection: The Path To Personal Transformation & Ex Girlfriend Re-Attraction
It’s not about what you want to hear, it’s about what you need to hear. And what you need to hear is that you’re probably doing no contact wrong. You’re doing it all for your ex to get her back. Yes, obviously, it’s understandable wanting your ex back, but you need to do this to focus on yourself. What do you want? Because you can’t 100% control that she’s gonna come back. You can facilitate it and increase your chances, but ultimately it’s her choice. You can only make sure that whenever the chance arises, you maximize those chances. But if you know she never changes her mind, you couldn’t do anything like that. Yeah, maybe there’s like some weird manipulation bullshit that is possible, but I don’t care about this kind of stuff. I care about mindset and so everything in my course is about mindset and psychology of how breakups work, how the psychology of breakups works, how exes perceive their partners after breakups and so on, how your anxiety works after breakups. So I don’t care about manipulation bullshit. I care about helping you grow and understand your situation so that you can grow. And then as you’re growing and figure out who do you want to be again after the breakup and become attractive again, your ex is going to see that and then she will naturally come back to you. And you’re probably not doing that because you’re just stalking, right? You’re lurking, you’re just like,
You’re lurking, continuously ruminating about her…
- Did you post something?
- Is there a new guy?
- Is she happy with this guy?
- Did she make another bad TikTok video about me that says she’s so happy with this new guy?
You’re trying to figure out, you’re looking at all of these worries and all of these things, trying to figure out how do I solve the situation with her? You need to first solve yourself, figure out your own situation because right now you’re alone. You’re not with her, she’s not with you. So you need to solve yourself.
How can you become really attractive? How can you become really happy again?
So write down on pen and paper right after this video. What is it that you want for yourself? If you look one year into the future, who are you? Who have you become? You can to some extent think about your ex, you know, what would she find attractive? But it’s better if you ask yourself, you know, in a year from now, what is any woman going to find attractive about me? What am I going to be proud about? What am I going to feel like I’m just amazing and when I walk into a room, I can tell that women find me attractive because of that. So write that down on a pen and paper and work on that. Who do you want to become?
