Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, I’m gonna talk about getting back with an ex who is well, maybe toxic is not the right word, but you’re just not good for each other. Sometimes you are incompatible. One of you is an alpha male, the other one is also an alpha male, or maybe you are a beta male and she’s an alpha male, which will clash because she’s always asserting her needs, and you’re not getting your needs met. There are all kinds of reasons why you probably shouldn’t get back with an ex.
Why You Want Your Ex Back: You Shouldn’t Get Back With Your Ex If There Are Red Flags
And sometimes you just gotta make a tough choice or ask yourself “Is this actually the right thing? And why do I actually want her back? Is it because I love her? Or is it because I’m just really codependent and I can’t be single? I can’t be by myself? I’m too dependent on this woman. I don’t know how to enjoy my life without this woman in my life.” Or without any woman in general in my life. There are all kinds of reasons why you might stick around in a relationship or want to get back in a relationship that just wasn’t good for you.
Let’s be real: Not every ex is good for you. Sometimes, relationships are just not meant to be. Sometimes you’re just not right for each other. It’s the wrong timing or your characters just clash like crazy. And sometimes, when it doesn’t work out, it’s actually a blessing in disguise because you just have to learn, so that you’re ready for a better relationship, which probably still won’t be perfect, but you’re using these lessons from your terribly failed relationship, and now you can have a much better relationship. So it’s really important to assess why do you want to get back with an ex and not just blindly follow your heart or your emotions because you’re feeling very anxious.
It has been well-studied that typically, the people who want their ex back, are people with anxious attachment styles. So people who, in general, always have abandonment issues, abandonment fears, that they’re not good enough. And so you know a lot of you just want to have your ex back by default, but sometimes that doesn’t make sense, because she’s just not the right woman for you. All right, so I have a message from a guy who has been in a relationship that just wasn’t good for him, I think, and I’m not really putting any judgment on the woman maybe. He’s also having problems in the relationship. But ultimately, they’re just not right for each other. And so let’s see what is my advice.
When Your Ex Won’t Forgive You: Desperately Wanting Your Girlfriend Back Because She Hates You
Coach, I need your advice about my ex who really hates me. I watched your 101 ex back video, in which you summarize a lot of concepts about breakups. I watched the entire video and I thought that doing no contact would help with my ex’s anger towards me because of the fading effect bias. I was hoping she would forgive me, or at least forget the reason why we broke up, but it seems like she is still as angry as when we broke up.
Alright, so this is somewhat unrelated to this video because I’m going to give you advice that you probably shouldn’t get back with this ex, but well, first of all, the fading effect bias can take its time. So it can take several months to maybe even a year for your ex to fully forgive you, or forget all the negative things. That said, it can depend on the person. Not every ex is going to forgive you for whatever things she didn’t like or if you did something wrong. It’s just not in the heart of every person to forgive and forget. Some people are just really terrible at forgiving people. And look, the reality is some exes will never forgive you. Some ex will always hold a grudge and if that is the case with your ex, then you should be happy about this because this will tell you something important.
You could never be happy with this person because if she could never forgive you for certain grudges or mistakes that you’ve made in the past, then you would be perpetually in a relationship where she would always bring up the mistakes that you’ve made like two years ago, three years ago. Imagine you’re in a marriage with a woman like this and 10 years later, she’s still telling you that you did something wrong 10 years ago. It’s crazy! So look, sometimes it doesn’t work out. Most of the time it will work out, but some people are just incredibly stubborn. And I sometimes see these videos where it gets talked about all the time, about stubborn exes and I don’t really like this headline. I made maybe one video so far where I had the title stubborn ex. I’m not sure. But overall, the term doesn’t make so much sense. If an ex is stubborn, well, she probably just can’t forgive. That doesn’t mean that she is stubborn. It rather means that she’s probably not the right woman for you. So first, of all you gotta give it time. But there’s always a chance that she would never forgive you. But so let’s see what you say.
Breakup Addiction: Do You Think About Your Ex Everyday Even Though The Relationship Was Toxic?
So to summarize our breakup: My ex and I had a very stressful relationship. We broke up three times for a few weeks, and then we’d get back together again after just three to five days maximum. The reason why we broke up so often was that we couldn’t see eye to eye on so many things. Simple stuff like which food to eat, what kind of clothes to wear, different tastes in music, etc.
Alright, so I’m gonna stop here. The reasons why you broke up. You’re not mentioning your age in your message, but ultimately whatever age you are… This sounds like teenager shit. Okay, I would forgive this if you would be teenagers. Maybe below 18 years. Maybe below 20 years. But at some point, these kind of reasons to break up are just really ridiculous. You’re breaking up over stuff like which food to eat or what kind of stuff to wear. I’m guessing when you’re going out or something like that. Either you’ve been just confrontational like crazy non-stop and it’s just close to beyond repair, or if you’ve always had these reasons to break up, that are just ridiculous… I mean, honestly, this is just not the right relationship for you, quite frankly. If I would have a fight about what food to eat… That’s insane! I mean sometimes you see people on reddit asking for dating advice and some of the problems that people have is just… It’s like: Lol what the fuck, man?! How can people like this be in relationships??
And hey, I gotta be honest with you: Ask yourself why the hell are you in a relationship like this? Why do you want to be in a relationship like this where you are just discussing “Hey, what are we gonna eat? You wanna have sushi? Or you wanna get lasagna, or Italian food?” Sorry, I love lasagna. And then you have a fight about it? What the fuck! That might happen if you’re really tense in the relationship and the fight about that food isn’t really about the food at all. It’s about the tension in the relationship. But if this stuff happens all the time. And you just fight about random stuff, even though there’s not that much tension, or the tension is not the root cause. Then I would just ask myself why the fuck would I ever want to be in a relationship like this?? I’m guessing that you must be very young because you’re not realizing that this does not make any sense. A relationship like this just does not make sense.
And generally speaking, so the reasons that you gave are just really weird and just meaningless. And you actually categorize them or label them as simple stuff. So if you’re always fighting over really simple stuff, then it’s just not a relationship that is going to last. If you can’t even agree on really basic things, then how could you agree on really big things, such as where to live, how to live your life, how to raise your kids, how to organize your family? Such as your parents and your girlfriend’s parents and where to go on vacations and holidays and this kind of stuff. I mean you’re never gonna last in a relationship if you already have fights about basic stuff like the things that you mentioned. They are ridiculously silly. But let’s say they would not be as silly and they’re still simple things that would still be a totally major red flag. And the fact that you’re not realizing this and that you’re sending me a message in the hopes of getting your ex back despite of this bullshit, it just tells me that you’re super codependent, and you are just way too dependent on your ex.
Ex Girlfriend Always Angry With Me
I am more relaxed about these types of things but she is a very alpha male kind of woman. When she doesn’t like something, she will say it outright. Our personality types are a little bit different in that sense.
Yeah, so basically, you are not the man in the relationship. You are the beta male and if you are an alpha male and your woman is an alpha male, it can be difficult. It’s not the easiest thing but it can work out. But if you are a beta male and she’s an alpha male, then she’s basically pushing you around. She’s always getting what she wants. She can just tell you “I don’t want to eat here or I don’t want you to wear that to this wedding,” or whatever, I’m just using the examples that you gave me. She would just say whatever the fuck she wants because she knows that you’re going to give in. Or what I’m guessing what happened here is, if it doesn’t bother you so much but then she brings up these things, I assume that you’re just bottling it up. She tells you “Hey, don’t wear this for the wedding,” for example. “I don’t like to look shitty.” Or something like that. “You can’t wear this color. It doesn’t look good with my dress.” I don’t know. I have no idea what the fuck it is, but you’re probably gonna bottle this up. You’re gonna take it. You’re gonna ignore it but you’re not really going to ignore it. You’re telling yourself that you’re going to ignore it but honestly, you can’t escape reality. At some point this will bottle up. It will snowball, become bigger and bigger, until it pisses you off so much and then I guess what happened is that you then eventually do have a problem with it, and eventually, you then break up.
So I guess I gotta be honest: While the reasons why you’re fighting sound kind of silly, there’s probably a lot of context missing here, and I have a feeling you’re kind of contributing to the problem because you’re letting yourself be pushed around. And a lot of women who are very critical, they are not necessarily narcissistic people. They’re not necessarily abusive women. They are just trying to assert themselves. If she’s an alpha woman, even if she’s healthy, she might assert herself too much without realizing how much it’s hurting you, or how much it’s actually offending you, or pissing you off, because you never say anything. She’s thinking she’s getting her way and everything is okay again. And then at some point it goes wrong. If you stay silent in a relationship about things that don’t make you happy, then it’s never gonna work out. So perhaps she is too extreme. She’s too aggressive, whereas you are too passive. Either way, this dynamic doesn’t seem like it’s a healthy one and it’s not a dynamic that can actually work out long-term.
And I would question if this is actually something that can be changed. Perhaps, over time you can become more alpha male. You can learn to assert yourself, but the question is if you can learn this in your relationship with this woman, when you seem like you’re polar opposites. She’s super alpha. You’re super beta. So if you now slowly over time shift into alpha, this might become a problem as well. It might just be better to learn your lesson. Learn that “I need to learn how to assert my needs and go for the things that I want,” and just sometimes say “No, I don’t care. I don’t i don’t want to eat here. No, I suggested let’s go eat sushi. Now, all of a sudden, you want to eat Italian?“… Things like that. Sometimes you just gotta tell a woman what you actually think. And that’s not rude. That’s not disrespectful. It’s just your opinion. There’s nothing wrong with that. So I have a feeling this is something that you definitely have to learn. And as I said, you didn’t mention your age, but I do think that you must be quite young. I don’t think that you’re older than in your 30s, correct me if I’m wrong in the comments. So you probably have to do a little bit of growing up here.
Struggling During No Contact: Ex Girlfriend Always Angry With Me And She Doesn’t Want Me Back
Anyway, around the end of our relationship, she would get more angry than usual and eventually, our fights would become way bigger than usual, and she would actually complain a lot more than before. Ever since our legit breakup, I have been struggling a lot with doing no contact and want her back.
Why though? I mean, if you call it… You’ve had these mini breakups all the time and now it’s a legit breakup. What does that even mean? You’ve had a lot of shitty mini breakups and if you think about this… A breakup is not a small thing to do! It’s basically saying “I am done with you. I do not trust you. I don’t want you in my life. I think having you in my life is toxic. It hurts me. It destroys me.” So even if these breakups just happened every now and then, and they were kind of small, and they only lasted for five days, that is not something that is very light. That’s something that is a big responsibility. Because it actually hurts. Breaking up with someone really freaking hurts. And you can’t just break up with a person and then on a whim, after a few days, get back together. That’s almost like an abusive tactic, to be honest. Anyway, you are struggling with no contact and want her back, and you say:
When It’s Time To Let Her Go: If Your Ex Never Valued The Relationship There’s Nothing You Can Do
I think this time the breakup is real because we didn’t talk for 27 days, which was until last week when I tried talking to her, but she just told me to leave her alone. She was very upset with me for just asking if she wants to talk. She said that she doesn’t want to talk to me at all and that she was done with the relationship. It doesn’t seem like she’s calming down at all and it’s more like the opposite. She’s actually angrier than before. I’ve never seen her hold on to her anger for so long, which terrifies me. I don’t want to lose her but right now I don’t think there’s anything I can do. It seems no contact doesn’t impact her.
Plus, she doesn’t want to talk. So she doesn’t seem to miss our relationship. What should I do considering that her mood isn’t changing? By the way, I don’t think it’s anything in particular. She’s only 23. So it can’t be menopause. And I don’t think it’s related to her having her period, either. This seems like it’s a permanent thing, not something that’s only fleeting. So this is why I’m really scared. I miss her a lot and I’m starting to panic. I can tell that this breakup is different but I don’t know why and what I should do now. Please give me some advice if you can find the time to respond to my message. Thank you.
Okay, so sorry, I was wrong. You actually mentioned your age. I mean, you mentioned her age. She’s 23. So let me just assume you are roughly in that range. 23 to 27. Probably in that range, roughly. And okay, so what is my advice? You are clearly young. You’re very inexperienced and so if you really want her back and you want to see some change, then sure, don’t chase her and she’s probably going to be surprised because she most likely does not expect that. She’s probably thinking just like always that you get back really fast and she probably thinks that you’re going to just take it. As usual, you want her back most likely, and she thinks she can have you at any moment. Now what should you do about the fact that her mood isn’t changing? You’re thinking the fading effect is not working.
First of all, it’s only been 27 days since you haven’t talked, right? So that’s not really that long. But the thing is… Put yourself into her shoes. I would become very apathetic. And you should ask this yourself for yourself as well. I would become very apathetic if I have a breakup, and then I have another breakup, then I have another breakup. That gets super duper tiring. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a co-worker who is just really freaking annoying or maybe in high school or something like that, you know, that school project where you’re working with the really lazy person. Someone who just really annoys you. And in the beginning it’s fine…. The annoying co-worker who just is really incompetent. That’s the one that I’m talking about. And in the beginning you’re like it’s fine, okay, but then after a while, it just gets so freaking frustrating. And after a while you just don’t want to deal with it anymore. And at some point it just becomes complete apathy. You just don’t give a shit. You’re just trying to avoid that person as much as you can you & turn off your emotions. You already reduce your expectations, you know what to expect, and so first of all, you just don’t give a shit anymore. That’s number one.
The second thing in your case here with the repeating breakups and all that stuff… She kind of knows that this will just repeat. She can just get back into the relationship anytime. So the problem that you have really here is with the two of you. Actually, you’re not resolving the real problem. Your problem resolution is basically to break up & get back together, eventually. So instead of trying to figure out how can we have healthy communication, you’re basically just dumping each other. I don’t know who dumps whom. If you dumped her or she dumped you. Or sometimes it’s you. Sometimes it’s her. But ultimately, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are not willing to make this relationship work. Neither of you is willing to make this really work and I don’t care who is more at fault here. This relationship has no health. There is nothing worth keeping in this relationship. You should rather ask yourself why something like this actually terrifies you.
Can You Be Addicted To Your Ex: Why Do You Want To Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend Who’s Toxic?
Why does it terrify you to lose such a shitty relationship. I mean, honestly, what do you actually get out of it? There are several studies on this on on off relationships. How stressful they are. So all you’re getting out of this is just pain, heartbreak, emotional stress. There’s nothing in it there for you. I would even question do you guys even love each other? Do you actually love her? Or what is it? Is it just codependency? Let’s be real: There is no rational reason why you would want to be with a woman like that. And I know, love is not rational, but if you look at it and you’re with a girl, then she just doesn’t make you happy all the time, you’re fighting maybe, it’s her fault maybe it’s both of your fault… It doesn’t matter. It’s really shitty. And then there’s another girl who makes you happy most of the time or all the time. It’s not even about a rational choice. Yes, sure the other girl who makes you happy all the time, rationally that makes more sense, but even emotionally, there’s just so much more emotion in that relationship. Positive emotion. This relationship only has negative sides. On a rational level it’s really bad. On an emotional level it is freaking awful. It is basically like trauma. Just repetitive trauma.
So what is the point? So look, I could give you all kinds of advice about how to conduct yourself and how to get her back, but I’m not going to do this in this particular video because I just don’t think it makes sense. Dude, there is just no point in getting back with her. And I’m not saying that you should do nothing in order to get her back. You should do nothing because this just doesn’t serve any purpose. If the two of you should ever get back together, then it is because she makes an effort to resolve the problem. It does sound to me… Okay, you didn’t give enough context here, but it sounds to me that it’s mostly her fault. She’s probably very immature. Maybe you are as well. I don’t know, that could be, but it seems like it’s more her problem. Certainly, it would have to be most likely her who fixes her behavior. But is that really going to happen? So I don’t think that this is worth pursuing at all. I think you don’t even really love this woman. You’re maybe in love with her. You’re maybe not willing to be alone. And who knows, maybe you’ve been beaten down too much by her and you are putting yourself down. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you can’t find a better girl.
But look, you seem to be quite young. She’s 23, so you’re somewhat in your 20s, so you are going to meet multiple women in your life. Maybe 5+ women who are possibly much, much better than her. Actually, not just possibly… I think the chances are quite high. Probably a 90% chance. Maybe even higher. So you can find a really great woman. And I do think that you need a little bit of perspective. So I think you should do nothing. Look, if you want to do no contact with the purpose of getting her back, fine, be my guest. Just keep on waiting and at some point, she’s probably gonna message you. But this is not going to resolve anything. I don’t think that you’re going to gain anything out of this. And even if she comes back, it will just repeat the same shitty behavior in the same cycle. And it seems like now basically your breakup cycles are longer, right? So now they are legit.
So who knows? Maybe now you have more legit cycles. So instead of just five days. And it was like yeah on and off, but not really. Maybe now you’re always going to have like a breakup cycle where you’re broken up for three months, and then this repeats like just nope…! This would just drive me crazy! I would just move on! I would really question if you love this woman. And do you actually love yourself enough? Respect yourself! You are a king. You should be with a woman who makes you happy. A true queen. I don’t think that she is a queen. Perhaps, you’re not a complete king, yet. Perhaps you also have to work on yourself. So question your own behaviors. But also question especially her behavior. All right, so that is my advice for you. I know you didn’t want to hear this at all, but hey, sometimes I just gotta be really honest with you. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up. I would love to know what you guys think about these weird and honestly just shitty reasons for breaking up. It’s just bullshit in my opinion. So give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
