Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about no contact and breakups, of course, and when you outgrow your ex and you make her go what the fuck?? Now, I have a situation from a guy and I maybe am a little bit hyperbolic here with make her go what the fuck because you can’t 100% tell that he has been outgrowing his ex and that she went what the fuck but I feel like this entire situation that he’s sending me, that he has been focusing on his own growth, and then all of a sudden his ex is intrigued by him. It seems to me quite obvious that he has been growing more and that’s why his ex is intrigued by him and wants to know more about him, because when your ex broke up with you, or even if you broke up with her but then you were insecure and she wants nothing to do with you, basically, she feels that she’s higher on the social ladder. She feels that she has her shit together but she feels like you don’t have your shit together at all.

And of course, when you beg and plead, for example, that just reinforces that notion for her even more. And then she wants nothing to do with you, but at some point, dumper regret really happens because they can tell that you’ve been growing a lot. Maybe much more than they have because they just felt just by breaking up they have grown, because they feel like they have outgrown you and their relationship, but then they realize nah, they haven’t really grown that much. They’re still the same person. Whereas you most likely decided to change, of course. So I have a great situation or a great message from a guy who really symbolizes that reflection & that growth. He has been changing himself and that’s of course, why his ex is into him again. So let’s see what is his message and what is my advice.

Becoming Insecure In The Relationship: Realign Yourself When You Become Needy With Your Girlfriend

Hello coach, I need your advice on my next step with my ex-girlfriend. I made a lot of progress with her in the last two months and I want to make sure I don’t backtrack or make any mistakes. So here’s my story. I broke up with my ex about one year ago because of a lot of issues. I think frankly, there were mistakes on both parts. I had grown very insecure around that time because I wasn’t doing too well with my job and that was reflected in the relationship. I became very passive and kind of beta, to be honest. I then became too ‘aggro’ with her and felt threatened because I felt like I was no longer the man in the house. So that was my mistake.

Yeah, this is a very common mistake that a lot of guys make. That you are basically projecting your own insecurities on your woman, and you blame her for not having your shit together. A woman wants to be with a man who is a provider. And this might sound controversial to feminists, but that’s just the reality. Women want to be with men who can provide for them. Financially & emotionally. That’s just the reality of what women want. They want a man who provides stability for them. And of course, if you’re not stable, that’s one thing of course, but the thing is if you don’t let it out on her, at least that’s not so bad. Nobody is stable most of their life. We have bad moments. We have bad times in our lives. And sometimes, we just gotta fight through them, and relationships are ultimately about that. To fight through them together. The problem is, of course, when you have that downtime and she should support you, but instead of that, focusing on the fact that you want her support, you basically attack her, become too aggressive…

Well, of course, she then has no stability and she feels like that’s just unfair. So never run away from your own mistakes, your flaws, your problems, and especially, don’t make your woman responsible for them. Instead, she is your support system when you are at your worst. She should be there for you. You should ask for her to help you out. And you don’t have to do this in a beta male kind of way, and being a simp, and weak, and needy. No, you just tell her how you feel. What you’re not happy with. And you tell her “Hey, babe, I want to change this or this. I want to…” You had a problem with your job, I think, right? So you say “Hey babe, I’m really not happy with my job, and clearly, I think it’s kind of affecting our relationship as well. So I plan on doing a coding BootCamp.” For example. “I want to become a coder. I want to change my job. I want to work online.” Something like that. “I would like you to support me with this and I’m going to do this in the next few months. So please bear with me and please support me while I do this.” Accountability is number one in relationships.

Female Dumper Remorse: Does The Dumper Ever Regret Their Decision? Is Your Ex Sorry?

On her side though, I think she also made mistakes. She basically got hit on by some guy and while I don’t think she cheated, she certainly didn’t dislike the attention she got from that guy because of my behavior. In the end that turned into a big fight, and it led to the breakup, and the breakup was mostly driven by me. I saw red when I saw some other dude hitting on her and I was furious back then.

So yeah, for sure, she most likely did like that. She should have probably just broken up with if you know she liked their attention at that point. When you know that you like the attention from another woman, for example, because you’re not happy with your woman, then either you break up, or you recognize that this is pretty fucked up and there’s something wrong, and you need to reconnect with your woman & need to figure out what is wrong, and fix it, and have an open, honest conversation with her. Because ultimately, there’s no point in running to another person when you are in a relatively happy relationship with a woman. Of course, nothing’s perfect, but it can be fixed. And if you can’t fix it with that woman, you couldn’t fix it with the next woman. So yes, she clearly made a bit of a mistake here and of course, it’s understandable why she did it, because you were basically screwing up a lot and basically too aggressive aggro with her, right? So she made a mistake for sure. You both made mistakes.

Who Broke Up With Whom: I Dumped Her And Regret It A Lot — Now I Want Her Back

But that was also the problem. I was too emotional back then and didn’t first talk with her about it. So I regretted dumping her because I didn’t tell her first how I felt about the whole situation. And of course, I did the stupidest thing on the planet. I begged her to get back together with me, but the relationship was done. I didn’t beg very long because I knew it was a shitty situation that I couldn’t have changed, and she was very cold after I broke up.

So effectively, even though you dumped her, really, she turned into the dumper. Yeah, that was the right approach. You already were insecure and needy in the relationship, then you dumped her basically again because of insecurity and neediness, of course, she made a mistake there but ultimately, it was fueled by your insecurity, and then you begged again, so it’s like insecurity one, insecurity two, insecurity three… So it doesn’t make it better, obviously, and you recognized it relatively quickly. Maybe you realized “I’m just repeating the same insecurity that I’ve just shown her multiple times now,” so it’s a good thing that you stopped begging. Everybody who’s watching this: Always STOP begging. It’s just unnecessary insecurity that leads to nothing. It has no purpose.

Learn From Your Breakup: Don’t Blame Yourself For Everything And Use No Contact To Improve

At first, I blamed myself heavily for my mistakes, but after some reflecting, I recognized that even though I don’t think she cheated, she did not handle this well either. And so I decided to go no contact back then for myself because as much as I loved her, I wanted to focus first on myself because I had the realization back then that I think neither of us wanted to be like that. We both were flawed people we both weren’t happy. And something was broken. Not just in the relationship, but with us as people.

So that’s the right thing to do. It’s a good thing that you recognized “We gotta fix something. We are broken. We weren’t happy. And why are we doing this?! There’s clearly something wrong within us, which is the reason why we can’t make each other happy.” Now, the only thing that I want to comment on here is that it’s dangerous to assume that she felt the same. If she’s a healthy woman then yeah, she probably recognized we both weren’t happy and she knows she did this wrong. She knows she liked the attention from some guys. You obviously had your flaws and you would both recognize them and try to fix them. And then hopefully, at some point, get back together. But that only works with a healthy woman. So I can’t know the entire context from your relationship what was going on. If she wouldn’t be a healthy woman and let’s say a narcissistic woman, then you might actually be wrong about this assumption.

And as much self-reflection as you do, it would never solve anything with her. That’s just important to recognize. I’m not saying that she’s a narcissist at all or anything like that. I just think that it’s very important to mention that I think a lot of guys maybe go down that route a little bit that they think okay what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? Let me fix it. Let me address it. And they keep on doing this over, and over, and that is great! But you have to stop at some point. And if the woman doesn’t want to recognize her own flaws, then you can fall into this dangerous trap that you think everything was your fault. So that’s just something important that I want to remind you of. That yes, reflect on your flaws. I think that’s super important. But also have like a barrier where you say this is enough. I’ve done enough work. Now I either get back with her, or I find another woman. It’s so crucial to have that mindset.

I Saw My Ex At A Party: Confidently Talking To Your Ex Girlfriend After No Contact

I guess hindsight is 20/20, but yeah, I learned a lot about myself from this whole experience. The breakup was earth-shattering and made me re-evaluate a lot of things about myself and gave me many new perspectives in life. I used that momentum to change for the better and so ever since we broke up, while I did no contact in the hopes that we could have a second chance, I didn’t try to win her back. I tried to find something more meaningful in my life and get to a better place and that has worked great for me. Now, that’s where I am at right now. Two weeks ago, guess who I ran into? My ex, when going out for drinks. We were at a karaoke bar, just chilling with friends, and she happened to sit on the other table and we actually had a brief conversation when I was buying some food and drinks. She waved at me and basically asked me to sit down with her. We talked for like 30 minutes, but then I told her that I had to go back to my friends. When I got to my table, my friends were all teasing me lol.

So you must have a really different aura right now. Now, maybe if you run into your ex, even if you really worked on yourself, it still feels very insecure. There have actually been studies that most people don’t really like to talk to their ex or run into their ex. It makes them feel uncomfortable. But if you’ve really focused on yourself, then you might feel really secure. There’s a certain vibe, a certain aura. She can tell that there’s something really different about you. And that could be either your, just your vibe, the emotions that you give off to people and how you just would talk to everybody, and how you smile with every body, how you interact with everybody. That is one thing.

Then of course, there could also be something like your fitness, like for example, if you are very ripped right now, if maybe you’ve started to hit the gym, then of course, that is also something like “Wow, I expected him to be really miserable, because he’s basically been miserable after begging, but the exact opposite is the case. He looks super fit. What the fuck???!“… I still remember this situation many, many years ago, when I wanted this ex back and I basically focused on myself like crazy. I became really ripped, really fit, had abs and everything, and then I ran into my ex on a motorbike and I was just like damn girl, you gained a lot of weight. And so I felt good about myself. I felt good about who I had become. And I didn’t even want her back anymore because at that point, I was just like wow look at how we’ve changed. You seem like you still are the same woman, whereas I have changed completely. So the growth that you have really matters in re-attracting an ex and sometimes like I just said, you might not even want her back, but anyway, clearly it’s been working for you.

What Happens When You Don’t Chase Your Ex Girlfriend: When The Dumper Misses The Dumpee

And you could see it on her face. She didn’t expect that and she kept on looking over. I could tell. I tried to play it cool haha, but yeah, I could notice that she was kind of curious and observing me. I just smiled and had a good time with my friends. I didn’t totally ignore her. I still smiled back at her and we kept a bit of eye contact from afar, and then guess who messaged me?

We all know who it was … 😉

Three days later she messaged me. We started chatting and I still don’t chase her. We were talking about our lives and I can tell that she’s very, very interested to find out more about what I’ve been up to. She’s never had such a high interest level in me ever since the breakup. I think she can tell that I’m a different person now. I guess the question is whether I ask her out. Do I message her and use the momentum I have? Or do I wait? What’s the next step? That’s all I wanted to know. I hope you’ll help me out with a response. Thanks!

So I think you’ve been doing everything right. Actually, the fact that when you met her at the karaoke bar and you’ve been talking for like 30 minutes, and then you said hey I have to go back to my friends… That’s perfect! This is actually a principle called the Zeigarnik effect. We always want to finish things that are unfinished business. You saying “Hey, I gotta go back to my friends,” that is unfinished business. So she must have been really impressed by you and especially the fact that you were not begging for her attention, essentially, just like you were begging for her attention before. So what should be the next step? You just wait for one more time when she messages you. Then maybe you have some short conversation again, and then you already pre-planned something. All right? So think of an activity that you can do at any week. So it doesn’t have to be something special like you know, a concert, or a special event, or something like that happening. It has to be something that you can do every week, like for example, let’s say there is a relatively new steak restaurant in town. I just talked to one of my friends… She’s currently in Bali and she went to this restaurant here which is very popular, and apparently, it’s sold out always for two months. Two months, which is crazy!

So everybody wants to go there. So maybe you can go to a really nice steak restaurant that everybody wants to go to. Or maybe something new has opened up, like an ice skating hall, or something like that. Something that you can basically plan for every week. So when she messages you, you already know what you’re gonna invite her out for, and then you tell her “Hey, I’m gonna go here next week. You wanna come?” and then she’s most likely going to say yes, because she’s clearly impressed by your growth. And if she really wants to know more about you then you gotta show her that over something like dinner, where she can really figure out what you’re all about. And then you have some glass of wine, and then you take her to your place, then you seduce her, and then you’re probably almost back together. But of course, you also gotta evaluate if she has changed. And what has she learned from the whole experience? Do you actually want her back?

It’s just like that woman that I met many years ago, who basically gained a lot of weight and I’m like “Oh wow, she’s not that hot anymore,” and then I realized eventually, actually that her character is quite rotten and she hasn’t really grown at all. So it’s just very important to have a little bit of perspective. And I think you have a new perspective in life. Your growth, obviously, and your reflecting has really helped. You also need to reflect about her. So I think you should go out with her to not just take her back. You should go out with her to actually figure out should you take her back? And there’s no harm done in actually hooking up, but then if you want to get back into the relationship, you got to be, of course, careful, because I believe a man in your situation actually has options. So just be careful about that. So invite her out for dates, hook up, and then if you think that she’s right for you, obviously then you’re gonna get back together. Alright, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.