Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about a little bit of an encouragement to keep up no contact. Do not talk to your ex. Don’t reach out to her. I have a success story or almost a success story of a guy who really screwed up so bad and it is a good sign that if you make some progress with your ex, you should be grateful for that. So as long as your ex just doesn’t completely hate you, as long as your ex isn’t completely bitter and can’t let go of that bitterness, or worse she’s just become very apathetic, she doesn’t care at all anymore… If these two things aren’t happening, then you’re good. As long as she’s losing some of the negative emotions, that is already a success. And it’s important to celebrate your successes and see that you’re actually making progress. So I have a message from a guy, it’s quite long, I have to admit, and he’s been making progress with his ex. He is almost at that stage where he can get her back. So let’s see what is my advice for him.
Hi Andy, I feel that you really get how women think and I wanted to share a good story with everyone because I know how easy it is to feel so hopeless about an ex, and I felt absolute devastation but I recently started dating my ex again and I think it’s almost a success story already because I almost had sex with her last week. Well, not really, I guess, but at least there was some possibility. Anyway, that’s what I’ll need help with.
So before I get further into this, this is something very interesting to mention. I’ve recently been doing research for my breakup course and I found this interesting study. It was quite complex the data but when I looked at the data what I saw was that the couples who get back together, of the exes who got back together, was it 75% or 80% of all those who had sex got back together. So it’s very important to seduce an ex and so it’s not just about making out. It’s not just about getting along again. It’s not just about going out on dates and cuddling.
It’s really about sex. Because once you have sex, your chances of getting your ex back are something like 80%. I forgot the exact number right now but it was 75% to 80%. Something like that. So your chances are much, much higher if you seduce your ex. So it’s very important to basically do what he’s doing. Go out on dates with his ex and eventually, he needs to manage to have sex, because as soon as that happens, it’s almost a done deal. It’s almost sealed. It basically means that you have a 75% chance of getting an ex back. So just something important to mention.
So here goes my breakup story. My breakup with my ex is an absolute textbookish version of doing everything wrong that a guy could possibly do wrong. My ex’s name is Rita. We had a very, very rough end to our relationship and I have to admit some of it was my fault. I know that everyone has their own faults in the relationship but I started swiping on Tinder near the end of our relationship.
So you’ve basically been cheating.
Nothing really happened.
It doesn’t matter.
And I only right-swiped on girls and didn’t talk to any. Maybe it was to boost my ego, I don’t know. Anyway, that was one of the most destructive things I’ve ever done in my life.
Good thing that you admit it. It’s a good thing that you accept that this was not good. So if you’ve been looking for an ego boost, what you need to understand is if you don’t feel happy in a relationship, there are only two choices. Either you get out of there because you are a king you are not going to mistreat a woman and you also deserve a relationship that is good for you, or you tell your woman what doesn’t make you happy. The worst thing you can do is seeking attention from other women. Tinder, of course, is a very extreme example, but even if you just talk to a friend of yours, or a woman that you know who is into you and you seek some affection from her… Some attention from her to boost your ego… That is already emotional cheating. You should not do that. Always turn to your woman. If something doesn’t make you happy, let her know. So you obviously know that kind of sucked and it was very destructive as you say. This is not a good thing to do and we have to learn from these lessons. You probably learned your lesson.
Not only did I hate myself a lot for what I had done but of course, Rita also found out and fuck, man, let’s just say it was fucking bad. It was the most furious I had ever seen her. She was so angry and nearly threw my laptop in the bathroom sink if I wouldn’t show her my Tinder messages.
Understandable. So it basically went nuclear. I guess maybe that’s a bit weird to say right now. Do I get censored for this on YouTube because of what’s going on? I don’t know. Let’s just give our support to everyone in Ukraine. Pretty tough stuff going on there. And yeah, so clearly, she was not happy about this. It seems that she definitely cares about you and whatever problems you had, you basically shouldn’t have turned to another woman. Clearly, that was the wrong thing to do. She still cared about you and once she found out that you’ve essentially been cheating on her, she went batshit crazy, and that shows you that she cares about you.
But of course, that also means she’s just furious. She wants to basically chop your head off. So if you have a breakup like this where you feel like your ex wants to chop your head off, that is actually not a bad thing. It seems like this is a really bad thing but it seems that according to studies, couples who have big fights are much more likely to get back together. If you have a very amicable breakup where the person doesn’t care anymore, your chances of getting back together are much lower. I can’t remember the percentage right now but it was very high. That if you have a bad breakup, it’s much more likely to get back together. It sounds really counter-intuitive but basically, don’t feel so bad if you have a really bad breakup. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel bad about what you’ve done and that this was okay.
You need to reflect on this and say “I’m a king. I’m gonna unleash the king within. What I did was not right. I’m gonna change my behavior. I’m going to become a better man.” Anyone who fucked up, don’t do this kind of shit, this is not cool. We are all kings. We want to be at our best. I want you to be at your best and the truth is if you are not at your best, if you don’t treat your woman right, you don’t deserve her. So always be at your best. Always be a king. So I hope you learned the lesson.
She saw my Tinder and that I didn’t really talk to these girls, but although that calmed her down a little bit, she kicked me out of our apartment right after that and threw out all my things and left them for me to pick up. I begged and pleaded with her so intensely to give me another chance and I’m not proud to say it but I went next-level needy. I showed up at the apartment twice, pushed two letters under the door, apologizing with all my heart. I didn’t leave her alone for almost three weeks but eventually she sent me a message and told me to leave her alone or she would ask our condo to not let me into the building any longer. This was my wake up sign to stop and that my behavior was unacceptable. I know what you’re going to say. I know this was too much. I fucked up twice in a row. It was really bad.
Yeah, so whenever you do something like this, it basically feels like what the fuck, man?? If a woman sees that, she’s like “What the fuck??! You didn’t give a shit about me. You’ve been talking to other women. You’ve been swiping. You’ve been neglecting me. You’ve not been treating me right and now all of a sudden, you give a shit?! Now, all of a sudden, you’re begging? Now, all of a sudden, you’re sending me two letters and swiping them?”
That’s ironic… swiping them under the door…
“No, I’m sorry, but fuck you! You didn’t care about me when it counted. Now all of a sudden, when I’m gone it counts? No, I don’t think so!” Women always think that they are queens. Most women have higher standards for themselves and when they’re not happy, when they’re not being treated right, they are out of that situation. They go nuclear. They’re like fuck this shit! I’m gonna find a man who loves me and in that moment nothing works. So obviously, these letters and being so needy to the point where she basically wants to tell her condo staff “this guy is my ex-boyfriend, you gotta keep him out of the house, out of the condo. Please don’t let him in“… It must be really bad. So she felt really uncomfortable. Clearly, that never works and so then he realizes whoa now this is almost like a restraining order and he realizes “Shit this was unacceptable. What the hell have I been doing?! I need to stop this!“… But now it turns into a success story. So let’s see how does his behavior improve. How does everything improve with the ex, how he leads his life, and how they communicate. So let’s see.
But as I said, this is actually a success story. After she told me to leave her alone, I really did. I stopped apologizing. I stopped begging. I never messaged her ever again. And I started to reflect on my actions and I mean it for real. Everything before that was just panic and in hindsight, writing those letters was not smart. But after I accepted that this was a lost cause, I finally began to properly think about all of my actions which wasn’t easy to do.
So he points something out that is super important to recognize. When you’re in such an emotional heightened state, you can’t think clearly, now are you sorry for the things how you fucked up? Of course! Are a lot of things that you’re writing in a letter like he did true? Of course! But you’re basically not clearly and rationally thinking. There’s actually a psychological bias for that called a hot-cold-emphasis-gap if I remember it correctly, which basically suggests we can’t really predict how we act when we’re either super hot, super emotional, or when we’re super cold, super stoic. So your ex is super cold. She thinks I never want to hear from you again. You are super hot, super anxious, panicking, and so you’re not thinking through what you’re saying. And you’re saying a lot of needy stuff and both of you can’t really relate how you’re going to react in two months from now.
And so both of you are making impulsive decisions that are not going to lead to the right outcomes and also because of that, a lot of the reflection that you’re doing is kind of on the surface level. You’re basically just looking for a quick fix. You want her back. You’re thinking “I’m gonna apologize. Look this is what I did wrong. Blah blah blah,” but only when you give it some time and wait a little bit do you actually realize what you’ve done wrong and you can actually look deep inside of yourself and say “Here are the reasons why I did this. What’s wrong with me? Why would I go to another woman and go on Tinder and talk to women that I don’t even know, instead of talking to my woman?” That is an important question that everybody needs to ask themselves if they’ve done something like this. Anything with your relationship, if you do anything wrong in your relationship, you have to ask yourself: “Was that the fault of my ex? Was it my fault? What kind of accountability do I have for this behavior? How do I need to reflect on how I can improve my behavior? Or how do I respond to negative impulses in my relationship?” It’s super important to do this. So take it easy when you have a breakup. Don’t do what he’s done and basically go crazy, and beg and rush everything basically. That’s not the right way to do it.
I spent many weeks hating myself, feeling lost as hell, but I was so angry at myself that I decided that I am going to do better and that I would no longer be that guy.
Ever since then, I started reading relationship books, began listening to podcasts, your YouTube channel, I also read your book by the way. I was so determined to turn my life around.
So you can see he’s making a change. He’s like “I am done with this version of myself!“… This happens sometimes when we hit rock bottom. When we fuck up so much, or when it gets so bad that we have to look inside ourselves. We look into the belly of the beast, and then we have to poke the bear, and confront what we don’t like, and when you do that, when you truly confront what you don’t like about yourself or the things that are just not adequate about you, how you conduct your behavior, that’s when real change happens and then typically, what happens is that change happens really quickly. You can see he’s been listening to podcasts, reading my book, reading other relationship books, watching my channel. He’s dedicated. And now he’s changing. So guess what’s gonna happen next? She is going to realize that he is actually changing and this is why it’s turning into a success story.
So then months had passed. It had been nine and a half months of not hearing a single word from Rita, but then she messaged me on my birthday, wishing me a happy birthday, and that led to us talking again, which I didn’t expect at all. I really thought that I would never hear from her ever again, considering how I botched it all, but eventually, she said that she wanted to talk about our breakup. We met up for dinner and talked about everything and I took full accountability for my actions that night.
Nice. So you can see she still cares about you. Clearly, it was a heat of the moment thing. Clearly, of course, she didn’t like what you did, but you clearly expressed concern. You expressed regret. And you’ve shown her that you don’t want to do this again. But more importantly, you stopped focusing on her, and instead, you focused on yourself. You changed yourself. So I don’t know if maybe she’s been seeing your social media and how you’re doing perhaps, but even if she’s not seeing your social media, she might recognize that there has been some real profound change and something within you is different. So that’s why she’s reaching out and then you take some accountability at your dinner date, that is fine. Just don’t do it too much.
Surprisingly, our dinner was way more fun than I had thought it would be. We didn’t talk the entire time about the breakup. Instead, we talked about our lives, how we had changed, and it almost felt as if we were back to normal. I missed seeing her smile so much and seeing her glow up is still the best thing in the world.
Yeah, it’s nice when you love a woman and you can just see her smile in her eyes. It’s priceless and it’s nice, so you’ve been talking about your breakup and it seems that probably she also did some reflection because clearly, if you had a reason to go on Tinder, there must also be something about her that didn’t make you happy. So she probably also had some flaws and I assume that you both reflected on that, which is why she reached out and she wants to talk about the breakup. So she knows that she probably also made some mistakes and it was not just your fault. So let’s see where it goes.
Nothing happened that night, but we had another date two weeks later and this time I suggested bringing her home and when we got to her place, she invited me in and we became extremely passionate. We made out a lot.
Nice! So he did the right thing. He asked to bring her home, she knew what that meant, probably even if she might have been hesitant about that at first, she was like “You want to come in?” because she’s opening up. And presence leads to passion. So when he’s there with her, spending time face to face, looking into her eyes, smiling, she’s glowing up, she’s having a good time, she’s feeling his presence, now she’s trusting him again. Now you can lead it to passion. Making out. So let’s see what happens.
I tried having sex with her and taking off her clothes, but she stopped me and said that it was too soon. I told her that I understand. I was very insecure and felt that she hadn’t forgiven me after all, and so long story short, nothing happened anymore and we just cuddled a bit more while watching a movie and after that, I went home.
So this where he might have gone wrong. It’s very understandable that she still has her defenses up. You basically broke her heart. You broke her trust. You cheated on her. Even though nothing really happened, it’s hard for her to trust you again. What I would have tried is maybe not gone home yet. Cuddle more, make out again, see if you can take it to the next level. Even if you just undress her, or have oral sex, maybe it’s not penetration yet, but just see how far can you take it and any step is better than nothing.
As I said at the beginning of the video, if you have sex, your chances of getting back together are much, much, much higher and ultimately, it’s all about re-establishing that trust and as I just said: Presence leads to passion. So the more that you can try to escalate physical intimacy, the better. Of course, if you can’t get her there, you shouldn’t force it, but just because in that moment she’s not ready yet, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try at least one more time. It’s not like you’re aggressive. You’re just making out again. You touch her again. You touch her body in the places that she likes. Then you see is she reciprocating, and if she again says no, then it’s all good, then you just try again.
So now I’m not sure what’s next. Obviously, this is a pretty huge improvement. I had no hope that she would ever talk to me again but now we even made out, but clearly, she is defensive. What should I do now to make it work with her? Do I need to talk more with her about the breakup? Or more specifically, should I talk with her about how she feels about me and what her problem is? I think there’s something she is still bottling up. Thanks a lot for your advice. I know I kind of sold this as a success story and it’s only 50% of a success story, but haha, I really need your advice on this, so please make a video about it.
So this is kind of sneaky. You try to get yourself to sneak in there for me to make a video about this. It’s not really a success story yet but you’re almost there. But as I said… Any step forward is progress and is already success. She’s clearly opening up to you now. What you should do is… I don’t think you should be talking about her problems. I wouldn’t mention it and say “Hey, you want to talk about this?“… Just have another date. Try to make out again. Try it again. Eventually, maybe you can bring it up, but I wouldn’t force it. Eventually, she’s going to reciprocate. Eventually, she’s going to feel “I like that he’s touching me. He has changed.” You only have to show with your actions that you are a changed man and the only time that you need to convince her with your words that you are a changed man is if she brings it up. If she says “I don’t feel so good about this because of what happened,” if she still has something on her mind that she needs to talk about, she will bring it up.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you should never bring it up if clearly you’re not making any progress at all and it’s not going anywhere. After a while, yes, you should bring it up but give it some tries. First, see, can you seduce her on the next date? The second date? Maybe after the third date? If you still can’t seduce her, that’s probably when I would bring it up. But ultimately, it’s all about having sex, it’s about seducing her, and then once she feels ready to commit to you and wants to become serious, that is definitely when she will bring up the doubts that she has, or the fears that something like this will happen again. And this is when you clearly explain to her “I fucked up. This is what I did to change. This is what I decided to do so that I will never do something like this again.”
You set some ground rules how you’re going to lead your relationship in the future. You’re going to tell her and let her know that you’re never gonna talk to another woman again. And if ever there are problems, you promise to her, you make a commitment to her that you are going to tell her. You will let her know that she can trust you again and that you’re going to make a commitment to be present. To be present with her. And let her know if something’s not all right. Presence leads to passion. A woman who trusts discovers her lust.
It’s all about establishing the trust with your actions and your words, but more with your actions. She has to see with your actions that you’ve changed. I think you have clearly changed, so all you have to do is seduce her, then eventually, maybe she’s gonna bring it up. Even if she doesn’t bring it up, if you get back into a relationship or you start dating and it becomes casual dating where you’re close to being in a relationship, then you can suggest “Hey babe, I want to establish some ground rules. I want to make sure that you are happy. I want to make sure that I am the best guy for you possible. You are my queen. I’m a king. I want to be the best guy possible for myself and for you. For both of us. For our family in the future. I want to make sure that we are happy. So here’s what I’m going to change about my behavior. Let me know what you think about this. And then she’s going to be really happy because she can see that you’ve truly changed.
So that is my advice for you. Anyone who’s watching this, you can see any progress is some step forward. Even if he’s not fully there yet, he basically made a lot of progress. As long as you see something… Your ex talking to you, your ex unblocking you, your ex reaching out to you, your ex asking about you, or sending you a happy birthday, going on dates with you, giving you a kiss… Any sign of affection is progress. And you just need to get it to that state of progress where you can have sex. Once you have sex, the relationship is almost back to normal. Then you just have to seal the deal and eventually get her to commit to a relationship. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.