Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about eye contact, finding the confidence to actually maintain eye contact with women. The power of eye contact and why it’s so important to attract women. So I have a situation from any guy, I’m assuming he’s relatively young, and he’s trying to practice eye contact, but he just can. He’s essentially very shy and he basically looks away. He doesn’t know how to maintain the eye contact and he can’t deal with the fact that he feels kind of weak. He feels like he’s a bit of a beta male, I suppose, and he compares himself with women who can actually maintain eye contact, and he’s a bit embarrassed by it. So if you’re relatively young, especially if you’re probably in your 20s, it’s quite hard, but the truth is… Eye contact can be hard no matter what age you are. Eye contact can also be hard, even if you used to be good at it, but then maybe you have a bit of a rough period in your life, you’re not so confident with your life and then, when you least expect it, you see a hot woman, you don’t feel so confident, you’re not really feeling good in your own skin, and then you look at her and you look away. It happens even when you have been really good at it. I’ve noticed this actually probably in the first two weeks when I was new in Indonesia.
After two years stuck in Germany, my confidence level was really low. I lost my home in the Philippines, and it just wasn’t really happy at first. I mean I hadn’t been happy in Germany during COVID because I basically lost everything that I’ve been working on for years in the Philippines overnight, and I got stuck in Germany, and then I went to Indonesia, finally, found a new home, and probably the first one or two or three weeks, I haven’t been too confident. I had some good moments as well, of course, but you can be really good at something and then you lose your practice, you lose your game, for example, let’s say you haven’t been skating for a few years, now you’re not a good skater anymore in the first few weeks until you find back your confidence. So don’t feel too bad about not being good at eye contact. Whether you’ve never been good at eye contact or whether you’ve been good at it and you lost your mojo, you can always get your mojo back, or develop new mojo. Alright, so let’s get into the situation.
Unlocking The Potential: The Power Of Eye Contact In Attracting Women Is Not Rocket Science
Hello coach, I need your help with confidence with girls, in particular. I have read about the power of using eye contact with the girl to turn her on, and also just in general, to signal to her that you’re attracted to her. It sounds all nice in theory but in reality, I struggle immensely with establishing eye contact with girls.
Well, the problem is because like you said, in theory, it sounds all nice, right? And let’s be real, it is quite simple: You look at the woman, and you don’t look away. It’s not really rocket science. If you read this on a pen and paper, if you read a 3-paragraph sentence, a 3-line sentence on why you should be maintaining eye contact, because it increases dopamine, it helps to bond and shows to women that you are interested in her. So whenever you see a woman and then she looks at you, you should keep looking at her as well. That’s all you need to know. Sounds simple, right? Simple theory! The problem is that your expectations of what you think it is, it’s very easy on pen and paper, but then when you do it, it seems so hard. Why is that when it’s so easy on pen and paper? Because your experience in the real world, basically you’re assigning something to it, right. If you read it on pen and paper, just look at the girl, it’s really simple, but then you do it and now you feel some emotions, you attach something to it, and you judge yourself. You tell yourself “I didn’t do this the right way. I felt really nervous. And I felt kind of not confident and she saw that I wasn’t confident. I appeared weak to this girl. I failed. I’m a failure.”
All kinds of things that you put into your head. But these things are not necessarily true, right. Just how you feel about something isn’t necessarily the truth. So, for example, if you feel weak because you didn’t maintain the eye contact, does that really say anything about you? No. Or maybe you think women are not attracted to me. Does that have to be the truth? Not necessarily. It could all just be in your head. Or you tell yourself eye contact is really hard because my heart pumps really fast, but like we just discovered, it’s actually really easy. You just have to look at someone and not look away. It’s actually not rocket science. So what you feel in your head is not necessarily true. So you should recognize that most likely, if it sounds simple on pen and paper, it actually is simple. And just because you feel in the moment that it is not simple because it was a little bit more than you expected, or your first expectation was it would be very simple but then the first try didn’t work out, it is really simple, once you master it. And that’s also why I said that you can lose your mojo, like when I was new in Indonesia. I didn’t have my mojo so much anymore. Then it took me like a week or two weeks, or three weeks to really get into the mood to flirt again with women and to eye-fuck them, basically, and it’s really not that hard once you teach yourself again… You know what? Yeah, it’s just… Look at someone! That’s it! And don’t look away. It’s not really that hard. Now, let’s see how you continue.
Practice Eye Contact: When You’re Too Shy To Make Eye Contact With A Woman
Eye contact with a girl sounds so easy when you read about it online or in a book but the truth is that it’s so hard to find the courage to actually look at a girl and then especially to maintain the eye contact. I just can’t manage. I’m too shy and so when I then try to use eye contact, it tends to just backfire because I clearly signal that I’m insecure because I always look away. It depends on the situation. I guess I am a bit more successful to keep up the eye contact when I try to consciously practice it, but even then I’m not too successful, but it gets MUCH, MUCH WORSE when I don’t even anticipate to see a cute girl and then look at her and I freeze, or rather my brain fries, I don’t think what I’m doing, and then I look away instinctively, and then I look back again. But I already know in that moment I screwed it up and it actually makes me feel like a pussy because I know I acted weak.
Well, one thing that I want to mention here is that you have to recognize that there’s not too much to lose. I’m not sure if I mentioned this already on the channel, but maybe in the first few months of me being new here in Indonesia, there’s this coffee shop somewhere outside here next to a relatively fancy hotel and I guess a lot of wealthy Thai women stay at that place, or Thai people in general, Korean people also, I think, and they seem like high earners for Asia, and they are quite attractive. They’re really hot and sometimes I just hang out at that coffee shop. It’s an open space and there was like a woman once, and she passed by, and I just looked at her, and I didn’t look away, and I just liked what I saw and she liked what she saw as well, and she was basically smiling, and she really liked that I checked her out. And my friend he was calling me a pervert. I think I mentioned this before. He was like “Bro, you’re such a pervert!” and like “You were totally molesting her with your eyes,” or something like, that and I said “What the fuck are you talking about, bro? She fucking liked it!” And the reality is there’s only two ways how it can go with eye contact. Either she likes it, or she doesn’t like it. Either you win it, or you lose, and the reality is if you screwed up, you’re already losing anyways.
So if you actually train yourself to maintain eye contact, honestly, it’s still like a 50/50 chance if she likes you or not maybe. There’s an actual statistic. I’ve never looked into a statistic of how many women are actually attracted to you when they actually see you face to face. I mean there are some statistics on how many women find men attractive, and that’s quite low, but typically, my experience is that if you just have confidence in person, a lot of women are into you. It’s just a typical type, when you see someone in person, it’s kind of different than when you see them on a picture. And most of the time, it’s like 50/50. Maybe she likes it. Maybe she doesn’t. And if you maintain your eye contact, you’re already a winner. 50% of the time you’re a loser because she’s just not into it and she will feel molested, like my friend said, and the other 50% of the time, she will fucking love it. And there’s not that much to lose. So you should always just be strong, because dude, whether she likes it or not, would you make it dependent on whether she likes it or not? That you are weak or that you are beta male? Or that you’re not confident? Or that you’re a loser, or something like that, just because she didn’t like it? No. If I would stare at a woman very confidently, and she doesn’t like it, that says nothing about me.
A Woman’s Rejection Isn’t Personal: When You Make Eye Contact With A Girl And She Looks Away
Honestly, when I look at women, when I do eye contact, and they get the reaction like eye rolling or something like that, I’m just like what’s your problem? But it doesn’t personally affect me. Just like okay, I guess you didn’t like it. That’s cool. Next one. And next one likes it. So you shouldn’t tell yourself that you’re a loser for trying and that it didn’t work out. Honestly, you should just realize that it doesn’t really matter. You should always consider your eye contact as a success, and you should come from the frame of mind that there’s only one outcome. The only option that you have is you need to train yourself is to always maintain that eye contact. And then whatever happens next after that doesn’t matter. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Many times you actually win. The problem is you’re making it really personal right now.
As I said, you shouldn’t take it personally. Whether she is completely repulsed and she’s like “fuck this guy is disgusting,” or whether she totally digs it, it doesn’t matter! Always maintain that eye contact. And then once you won’t get attached to the outcome so much, you don’t have to freeze, your brain doesn’t have to fry, you don’t have to think about “Shit!!! What do I do now? Do I look away? Do I look at her??” No, you just do it, and what happens next doesn’t really affect you. If you win, cool, I won! If you lose, yeah whatever, doesn’t really matter to me. So it’s basically a win-win situation, because you can only win, because if you never feel like it is a loss, then you only gain wins, basically. Now, let’s see how you continue now.
Not Feeling Manly Enough: When You Can’t Make Eye Contact With A Woman Don’t Give Up So Fast
It sucks because sometimes I see girls and they have so much confidence to look at you, yet I can’t find the same confidence and it makes me feel like a pussy. I don’t know what to do anymore about this. I really tried eye contact but I can’t find the confidence. Nobody ever taught me about confidence around girls, and I feel like I’m just doomed to always be the shy guy who can’t even look at a girl.
Okay, first of all, most guys have never been taught to be confident around a girl. Most guys have never been taught to maintain eye contact. Whether you have a good father or not, whether you had a great father figure in your life or not, chances are even if you had a great father figure, maybe he didn’t teach you how to flirt with women, or maybe he didn’t teach you how to maintain eye contact. We all got to learn that shit! And you shouldn’t feel bad about that. Some people are naturally better at it, but it doesn’t really matter. Most of us are kind of nervous, especially in the beginning. So don’t feel so bad about yourself. Also if you look at the women who are confident to look at you, most women are considered attractive by guys. So almost every woman on this planet, unless she is really unattractive, gets attention from guys. So she knows that she is desirable. But for guys, we rarely get that kind of attention. So you haven’t been conditioned to the fact that most women actually are attracted to you to some extent.
Now, because of that, you are afraid because you’re thinking “oh my God, so many things can go wrong!” but once you actually recognize just like the women were confident to look at you, that there are so many people who are actually into you, it’s like… “Yeah! I’m definitely gonna maintain eye contact,” because there’s only a winning scenario here like I already explained. So the problem is you probably haven’t done it often enough to recognize wow there’s a lot of women who actually like me or who actually like it for me to look at them. So you basically have a bit of a handicap compared to women. So you shouldn’t feel like a pussy. It’s kind of an unfair advantage for women. They go into the world and they very early on experience that there are a lot of guys who like them. So eye contact is much easier for them because they see it relatively quickly that they’re just gonna look at a guy, and most of the time, if he’s not insecure, he will flirt with her. For you, it’s not that easy as a guy. So you have to train yourself. To teach yourself that there are a lot of women who actually like it when you maintain eye contact with them. So it’s basically a numbers game.
Eye Contact Tricks: Practice Eye Contact With Girls In Places Where You’ll Never Meet Them Again
I wonder if there’s a simple trick how to make it easy to get good at eye contact. It doesn’t come naturally to me so I feel like I need a hack to get it done.
The only hack that I can suggest to you is to do it wherever you go, and right now, for example, I’m trying to learn more Indonesia. I use Duolingo a lot, which is an app, and I’m not making enough progress. So I started installing Notion to create something like a calendar with a checklist to remind myself three times a day, practice Duolingo, in the morning, one time in the afternoon, one time in the evening. I don’t always manage it to do it every three times, but that’s not the point. The point is not to be perfect with your to-do list, with your goals, it’s just to hold yourself accountable, and have a reminder. You can do the same thing with looking at women and practicing eye contact. For example, I don’t know what you’re doing, what your job is, or how old you are, and so on and so forth, how your typical day looks like, but if I would put myself back into my shoes when I was like 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, I was working in a city in Germany and I would typically take public transportation. I would take the bus, then I would take the train, and then I would take the underground station to my final destination. There are so many women. If you go on a bus, on a train, and underground, there’s so many women where you can practice this.
Of course, you might sometimes seem like a creep, but there are so many women that you meet on a daily basis where you can practice this. That’s number one. Number two, you can, for example, just force yourself to go to places where you meet more women. So, for example, go to a mall. Go to a mall and try this, and basically, like I do it with my Notion calendar, reminder, sort of. I have a schedule. So, for example, for a whole week, go to the mall. For a whole week and try it every single day at the mall. The more often that you do this, the easier it gets. You can also try something like, for example, sit down at a coffee shop. You go into a busy area in the city, for example, sit down at the coffee shop, then you just chill a little bit, you do something, you read a book, or whatever, or you maybe write, or something. I don’t know what you like to do to just chill a little bit then every now and then. As women pass by, you look at them, basically, the only hack that you can have is that you expose yourself more often and actually to force yourself. The best thing that you can do is actually do it on a schedule. If you haven’t succeeded with it yet, it’s because you haven’t obviously had enough success with it. Now, you have to create more touch points where you can, yes, fail, of course, but also succeed.
Now, I’m assuming probably what you did is: You tried it initially a little bit and it didn’t work too well and eventually you gave up too quickly. But if you have a bit of a schedule, eventually, over time, it will become much easier. It’s just like Duolingo. Actually, the reason why I did this new schedule with Duolingo is, actually because they changed their entire app and they gave a new curriculum to everybody. So the new Indonesian curriculum actually became much harder and I realized that I barely managed to finish one exercise a day. I was like “shit I can’t do this anymore! It’s so hard all of a sudden!“… And so I realized dude, I need to step up my game. I need to do this three times a day or maybe two times a day so that I get better at Indonesian so that I can actually manage to do the lessons and not fail, because I’ve failed on Duolingo and you lose your daily streak achievement, and I want to get the 365 days streak on Duolingo. So I decided I got a step up my game. I gotta increase the frequency so that I become more confident with my Indonesian so that I don’t fail at the daily lesson with Indonesian. So that’s what you gotta do. If you’re failing, the worst thing you can do is to just throw in the towel and let it go. No, especially when you suck at something, you gotta try harder. You’re a man, so I hate to say it, but you got to man up. I know it sucks. I know it feels a little bit defeating when you feel like you’ve been a pussy and you chickened out, and you looked the other way… Try again! Try again until you get good at it.
And like I said: It sounds crazy but if you have to create an actual schedule, create a reminder for like an entire month. Force yourself for an entire month to have a reminder on your checklist. Actually, so it happens, right now, this is a checklist for something else, but these are my to-do’s for today. And what was it. Trim my beard and my nose hair a little bit, record three videos for this week, which I’m doing right now, and then do some more scheduling for videos, and then buy some new product with a Black Friday discount before it goes away. And I have a schedule. I typically always every single day have a list of what I want to get done. And also for my habits I have a clear list of okay this is what’s going to happen this month. So you need that. If you’re not good at it, then if you are too shy to actually get it done, then you gotta force yourself because if you don’t force yourself, if you don’t have a schedule, then you’re gonna give up really, really, quickly which you’ve done. But I guarantee you if you would say okay fuck this shit! Fuck it! I’m done with this! This December, or maybe in January for a New Year resolution, I’m gonna dedicate one whole month of getting this shit done. I will force myself every single fucking day.
I will walk out for one hour during lunch break, and look at women, or I will spend one hour in the evening to sit down in the park and try to look at women, and even if it feels uncomfortable, I can guarantee you if you literally force yourself to do this for one whole month, there is absolutely a zero percent chance that you’re going to fail at this. I guarantee you, you’re going to get good at this after one month of trying this every single day. But if you only try like five times and it didn’t work out, yeah, you’re gonna throw in the towel. And then you’re gonna think I’m just I’m doomed to be shy. No, you are only doomed to give up and basically, real men don’t give up. So don’t give up! Force yourself to do it more often. It’s not a hack. The only hack that I can tell you is really use something like Notion. They have great reminder templates. Sign up for free. It’s really easy and you just google for some template for like a to-do list, or whatever. Something like that. And try it for a month and see what happens. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
