Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re going to talk about what to do on a first date with an ex, and I’m gonna lean into a little bit of a story that is happening right now. So if you hear some noise right now, I’m about to move tomorrow morning and I still have so many things to do and I have to record this video so if there’s like some thunder sounds or something like that, consider it as dramatic effect LOL. But you can take something away from this story.
Proper Mindset For A First Date With An Ex Girlfriend: The Importance Of Patience And Relaxation
Now with a date with an ex, especially with the first one, but in general, every date with your ex, or any interaction with your ex, you have to feel kind of like how Indonesians think. So right now I live in Indonesia and in Indonesia they have this thing or this mindset called “Sabar“, which means Sabar It means patience. Sometimes they also say “Santai“, which means relax.
That’s not just in Indonesia, that’s also in the Philippines. In certain areas in Southeast Asia, they just take things very slowly and no matter what bad stuff happens, they will try to look on the bright side of life. They will not take life so seriously, obviously, sometimes when things get really tough, Filipinos or Indonesians also can get stressed and so on. But if things go wrong, they will always try to look on the bright side and not try to find reasons why something could go wrong. So for example, a few days ago, we unfortunately lost one of the kittens here and now there’s some noise in the video from the rain. We lost a kitten recently and the woman here at the guest house where I’m staying, she said, if she comes back, she comes back. If not, that’s just how it is and that’s kind of the mindset that you need to have.
Same with an ex. If your ex comes back, then that’s how it is. If she doesn’t come back, it’s just like a cat. Sometimes you can’t do anything about that. And so you got to be relaxed about this on the first date, especially. Sabar. Be patient. Don’t try to rush it and don’t try to think too much about, “How do I do this? What should I do next? What do I say? What do I wear? What kind of outcome do I want? Do I get her back right after that date and so on and so forth?” So you got to chill a little bit. And so I got a situation from a guy who is basically not chill. And so let’s go through the situation and see what I have to say.
No Contact Patience Mastery: My Ex Girlfriend Wants To Meet Up And I’m Nervous
Dear Andy, I’m writing to you because I am in need of some advice on an upcoming date with my ex-girlfriend. It’s been several months since the breakup and after some time of no contact, we’ve recently started talking again. Things seem to be going well and we decided to meet up in person for the first time since the breakup. I am both excited and nervous about this date. And I am hoping you can help me make the most of it.
So like I said: Patience is the most important thing. This is probably the most important thing or the biggest problem that I see with guys with wanting to get their ex back in general, but also just first dates or first conversations, first interactions or that thought about I’m going to talk about something very specific, like how did the breakup happen, or why it happened and so on. And so everyone is typically thinking about very specific expectations of what they want. They think, “When she reaches out, I’m going to get back with her. Or when we go out on a date, I want you to make some kind of move towards me. We’re going to meet up. We’re going to talk about the things that we should be talking about“, like the relationship which you shouldn’t, by the way.
“And then I’m going to see some sign from her. I’m going to see kind of that she’s going to lean into getting back with me.” But typically, it’s not that simple and you got to give it some time. So when you’re too excited or too nervous, it’s always a bit of a red flag. You should be a little bit stoic and just wait and see what happens, not overanalyze it and start analyzing it after it happened. You should focus on having a good time with your ex and then later on, whether you screwed up, or whether it was good, you should think about that after the fact.
What Not To Talk About On The First Date: Don’t Talk About The Relationship With Your Ex Girlfriend
To give you some background, we broke up because of some issues of communication and trust. We both have strong personalities and would often have trouble compromising and understanding each other’s perspectives. This caused arguments and eventually, it really hurt trust in the relationship. I especially had a short fuse. It’s something I had to work on actually after the breakup. I don’t think my ex is a bad woman, nor do I think she thinks the same about me. At least, that’s what I believe after five months of no contact. I think we both got some much-needed perspective that the way we were fighting was really stupid. The things we didn’t see eye to eye on weren’t a big deal, but as I said, we’re both pretty. stubborn people.
Now, I’m sure if your ex is a decent woman, she’s not narcissistic, she’s not a piece of shit, she will think the same way, right? You’ve had five months, no contact, you got some perspective, you both hopefully thought about it and what went wrong and reflected a little bit. What did she wrong? Hopefully, she thought about what she did wrong. If she didn’t do that, then you should just dump her or rather ignore her, don’t get back with her. Likewise, you also should have thought about what went wrong and if you didn’t do that, then you can’t really get her back. Now, you mentioned that she is pretty stubborn. So this is something that people always want to do on dates with an ex or guys want to do on a date with an ex.
They want to talk about the breakup. They think, “I’m gonna nail her down. I’m gonna figure out how can we solve this.” We guys, we always want to fix things, right? So if you’re both a little bit stubborn and you both are still slightly tense on the first date and then you bring up the problems in relationship, you might just get back into a fight. But if you delay that to a later point in time, when she’s comfortable again, you’re both comfortable again, at that point, it would be much easier to talk about it. I’m not saying that you can never talk about the breakup on a first date with an ex, but when you can, you try to either avoid it or you try to revert back to some lighthearted conversation after, quickly. You know, talking about some pain points in the relationship. and what you learned from it, how you want to do better, and then you move forward to something fun and lighthearted. Okay, so let’s continue.
Meeting Up With Your Ex After You Worked On Yourself: Should You Flex On Your Ex Girlfriend?
The breakup hurt a lot. As angry as we were back when we broke up, it was pretty obvious that both of us were hurting a lot from it. Even though my ex wanted nothing to do with the relationship, she seemed as heartbroken as I was. In full contact, I did a lot of reflection and learned from my mistakes. As I said, I used to have some anger issues and I did a lot to work on that. Meditation, reading books, yoga. I feel like I’m a different guy now. So when she reached out to me a few weeks ago, I was thrilled and eager to rekindle our relationship because I feel like things could be much better now.
Yeah, so you’re in the perfect spot basically. You fixed yourself, you did some meditation, you’re doing yoga, you’re trying to figure out okay, why do I have these anger issues? How can I hold them in check? So you’ve learned. You’re a better person, you probably learned a lot from this breakup and the relationship, what kind of guy you don’t want to be. And so now you just gotta be yourself, be honest about who you are, what you’ve learned. But don’t flex too much. You might think “I’ve been doing yoga, I’ve been doing meditation, I’ve been reading books. I am now the man, non-plus ultra. I’m the best guy out there. There’s no guy better for her.” But of course, that’s a little bit your perspective and that’s probably not true. Are you a much better version of yourself? Certainly. And that’s great.
But just be careful that you don’t try to flex too much. You don’t want to flex super hardcore about everything you tell her what you’ve been up to and how you’ve grown, but you don’t shove it crazy in her face like “Look, here’s how I’m so much better now and how everything has improved.” Just a slight little bit.
Your Ex Girlfriend Is As Nervous As You: Don’t Overthink What To Say To Your Ex On A First Date
But now the time for the date has arrived and I’m starting to feel uncertain about what to do. I want this day to go well, but I am not sure if I’m going about it the right way. For one, I am not sure what kind of food we should go for. Her favorite food is Sushi and I don’t want to choose a restaurant that she won’t enjoy, but maybe it’s better to try something new and exciting.
Again, don’t take it so seriously. Don’t take her to her most favorite restaurant or her most favorite food. It’s kind of obvious. It’s a bit boring and she knows that you’re trying to please her. What’s better is: Pick her second or third most favorite food. So where would you both enjoy going aside from Sushi? All right. So for example, for me, okay, Italian food is my most favorite food, but I think a lot of people just enjoy Italian food and you can rarely go wrong with Italian food. Like some pizza or some lasagna, some pasta. Typically you can never go wrong with that. Depends on what kind of food you like, but probably don’t go with exactly what she likes. Don’t try to please her too much. She might read into that a little bit and that’s obviously not a good thing.
Another issue is the conversation. We’ve been chatting on the phone and via text, but I’m not sure if we will be able to pick up right where we left off. I am worried that I won’t be able to think of things to say or that the conversation will be awkward. I don’t want to come off as nervous or unsure. What should we talk about during the date? And do I talk about what happened between us and mention all the things I’ve been working on?
Like I said, okay, first of all, you shouldn’t be too nervous and too unsure. You’ve been working a lot on yourself. You’re already having a good conversation. So where’s the problem? Just continue that basically. So don’t be too worried about it. You’re already awesome. You’ve been working on yourself. And like I said, you know, you’re now a yogi. That’s like, what the hell dude? Like what happened? You had anger issues and now you’re doing yoga and um, then that’s kind funny. Actually, that’s probably a funny topic to talk about. Now let’s continue what you say.
Convince Your Ex To Try Again: Do Not Turn Your First Date With Your Ex Into A Sales Pitch
One of the communication issues that caused problems in our relationship was my tendency to avoid conflict when I would get angry. Then eventually it would come bursting out of me far too aggressively. I often tried to appease her, even if it meant not speaking up for myself. I don’t want to fall into that pattern again. I want to show that I’ve changed. So maybe it’s best to be open with who I am right now and show her that I am no longer like that.
Again, like I said, you should just do it slightly. Not too much. The problem is if you try to flex too much and you say, look, “I’m this gigantic big changed man.” She might not believe it. Obviously, if you’ve really been doing these things, you should communicate it honestly and openly, but again, it’s not like you’re all of a sudden like some Zen guru. It’s not like you’re a yogic guru who knows how to fix all the problems in the world and can hold his anger no matter what happens. That’s probably unrealistic, right? I’m sure things will still get you angry every now and then. Sometimes maybe you’re no longer getting angry about certain things that you probably shouldn’t be getting angry about, but sometimes if a lot of shit goes wrong.
As I said, everything is going wrong. My laundry is currently closed. I can’t get my laundry apparently. It’s raining. I lost the cat a few days ago. What else? I ran out of gas on the last day. I ran out of electricity the last day. There was something else. Like literally six, seven things went wrong in the last week here in Bali. Everything went wrong only in the last week and everything else has been fine until then. It’s like you could get really angry about this stuff, but I think you have learned from your mistakes and okay, you know, it sucks. It makes me a little bit angry, but this probably doesn’t make you too angry. If it gets you a little bit angry, that’s okay though. You don’t have to be perfect. As long as you don’t get angry about the really bad stuff that caused problems in the relationship, that’s all she needs to know basically, right? And so you don’t have to be picture-perfect. Just good enough.
How To Dress Up On A Date With An Ex: Dress Up Classy But Don’t Try To Impress Your Ex
Lastly, I know it’s a lot of questions. Sorry. I am also feeling unsure about what to wear. I want to make a good impression. What is the best way to dress up for a first date with an ex? I want to present myself from my best side and also show my change. I actually dress better than I used to. That was kind of a part of my personal makeover.
Well, semi-formal with a shirt or even wear a blazer. Well, if I were you on the first date, I wouldn’t dress too formal. And definitely not a suit. Also probably not a shirt. I mean, if your shirt really works super well on you, you can go with it. But typically I would just not go with a shirt. you just go with a jeans, a nice looking jeans, a nice t-shirt and maybe a really nice looking blazer. You don’t want to overdress. Your ex is most likely going to wear a dress on the first date unless it’s at a coffee shop. But even then she might wear a dress because she wants to look really good. So you should look good as well. But you shouldn’t look so good as if you are going on a wedding, for example, right? Don’t show her that you’re too invested. And if you’re showing up like super formal, that might show her that you’re taking this way too seriously and she’s still thinking about, “Okay, what do we do?” She’ll still test in the water. She’s not really sure about it yet and so she doesn’t need you to look perfect. She just needs to make sure that she feels perfect around you in the sense of she feels safe around you and that you’re authentic. You are not pretending to be someone that you’re not, these kinds of things. Okay, so let’s wrap it up.
Date With Ex Rule #1: Have Fun With Your Ex-Girlfriend And Treat It Like An Actual Date — Not An Interview
I know these may seem like small things, but they are actually causing me a lot of anxiety. I want this date to go well and I want to show her that I am the same person she fell in love with, but also that I have learned from our past mistakes and grown as a man. I hope you can help me with some advice on how to approach this date. I am open to any and all suggestions and I would be grateful for your help.
So like I said in the beginning of the video, don’t take it so seriously! You just want to have a good time! You want to communicate honestly who you are. Don’t over-represent. Don’t paint yourself too nicely as you are probably not. I know you’ve grown a lot and you’ve learned a lot about anger management, but you might think that you got it all figured out and you probably haven’t, right? So don’t oversell yourself, Clearly, of course, don’t undersell yourself, but ultimately you just need to go out of this date… If you can seduce your ex on a first date, great. If you can make a strong move on your ex on the first date, great. But really, ultimately, what you need on a first date is… About the only thing that you need is that you walk out of the date, or she walks out of the date feeling safe and she feels triggered to want to message you again because the ending of the date was really great! Overall the date was, calm, funny, maybe some flirting, some jokes here and there, maybe some innuendo again. Maybe you made some fun of the way how you behaved in the past, but obviously don’t put yourself down. Just some lighthearted poking fun of yourself.
For example, maybe if you got angry in the past, now you can maybe make fun of this and show her that you’re not taking yourself so serious anymore. The point is she should think after this date, “Okay, this wasn’t too bad! And he seemed to be pretty interesting and he changed a lot from what he’s told me. So I should probably investigate further, meet up with him again and see if this was true.” Obviously, actions speak louder than words. And on a first date, if you don’t hook up, she only has your words and so she wants to go on more dates and then she’s going to see with your actions if you are actually honest about who you’ve become and if she likes it. So if you basically get her from 50%/50% not sure, to 60%/70% sure she wants to hear from you again or message you again, and then over time that’s going to increase, even if it’s just 60% and then over a few weeks time it goes to 70% and 75%, and she reaches out to you again, that’s all you need to do.
So: Sabar, bro, relax, don’t take it so serious! Don’t think too much about the outcome of “I need to have all the perfect variables, perfect clothes, perfect conversation, perfect food.” No, you just need to be exactly how you are right now. You worked on yourself. That’s really the only thing that matters. If you’ve done that, any guy who’s watching this, if you’ve worked on yourself, that’s all you need and if you haven’t done that, then anything in the world will not help you. This is why my course is mostly focused on your own personal growth, on what you can do for yourself. There are some things about your ex, of course, psychological tricks and hacks and so on, and principles, but it’s primarily about you, what you need to do for yourself because if you do the work on yourself and you improve, then first of all, either you get her back and she can really see that you’ve changed or you move forward happily when you meet another woman and you won’t care about your ex. And that’s what I want for you. Either get your ex back or get another woman back.
The outcome ultimately should be that you feel happy and badass and you’re an amazing man and that you are happy with the growth that you’ve had. Like he seems to have, for the most part, I think, sounds like it to me with the yoga and with the meditation and the reading books. It seems to me that you’re at least in the moment happy with your growth. Probably you’re going to have some ups and downs in the future again, but right now you’re in a pretty good spot and if she doesn’t see that, then it’s her loss! So be who you are, and show authentically who you are. Don’t push it too far. Don’t try to be too aggressive with it and just try to have fun. And if you can’t have that, then well, then you should probably book a coaching session with me, or get my course. But in the beginning, just see where it can take you. It’s a normal date, basically. And on a normal date, you should also go into it with not many expectations.
If you go on a first date with a girl and you’re insecure and like, “What am I going to say?” Or “Is she going to like me? Or are we going to have sex? Or am I going to take her to my place? Or will I text her after that? Or do I kiss her? Or do we go somewhere after the date? Do we go to another venue? What do we do?” All of these overthinking things and the outcome that you’re thinking about, and if you approach a first date with any woman like that, it’s not going to work. So obviously, it also won’t work with a woman. So keep that in mind. Sabar bro, you got this! All right, I’m going to get back to packing and I think nothing can go wrong for me anymore. So in Indonesia, they would say: Semangat! Keep your spirit up! And I’ll see you guys soon. Give me a thumbs up. If you like this video, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.
