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Going No Contact With A Narcissist Ex: Narcissistic Ex Girlfriend Came Back

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about the harsh reality that sometimes you just gotta move on from an ex. So the problem is that if you want an ex back and she’s relatively narcissistic, or very narcissistic, you’re gonna get these mixed signals.

Narcissist Ex Girlfriend No Contact: No Contact Doesn’t Work On A Narcissist Ex Girlfriend

You’re gonna get some messages from her, and you’re gonna get these feelings, these thoughts that “This is going in the right direction. I’m hearing from her. She’s opening up slowly. This is going in the right direction!“… But the reality is with a narcissistic ex, it’s not going in any fucking direction because she doesn’t want it to go in any direction. She just wants to use you. She just wants you to hold on to not move on. To not move forward. To not find another girlfriend.

And so she’s always gonna come back into the picture. She’s gonna kind of give you some vague knowledge about what she wants. Seemingly wants. And then, you tell yourself “Yeah, this is great! We’re going to get back soon. I have almost broken through her defenses!“… But with a narcissistic woman that never happens. So I got a situation from a guy, and if you’re watching this, well, the reality is that the woman that you’re dating, or the woman that you dated, she is most likely a narcissist. She’s not good for you. So too long, didn’t read/watch: Dump this woman! This is going nowhere. So let’s see what I have to say.

Ex Keeps Coming Back: Mixed Signals From Your Ex Girlfriend When She Doesn’t Care About You

Hey coach, I have a problem with my ex-girlfriend, who gives me mixed signals and confuses me with it. I have been doing no contact and have been broken up with her for almost two years, and despite the fact that she reaches out to me frequently, it feels like it’s going nowhere.

So if you just read this part like that first paragraph, it should tell you everything that you need to know. You’re getting mixed signals. Okay, that can happen in the beginning, in the first few months, in the first six months. Maybe within the first year. She’s probably very confused. She doesn’t really know what she wants as well. She feels very insecure about you. She feels insecure about herself. But for two years, these mixed signals, and these confusing things, and she reaches out to you frequently, and it’s still going nowhere… Nah, man! That is bullshit! Think about this. Let’s say after one year you can tell that this is just full of shit and this is going nowhere. You basically wasted at least one year of your life, because you’re thinking she’s going to come back, or you’re hoping that things are going to get better, but it’s clearly not.

So you can’t hold on to an ex forever. And that’s not even just about narcissistic exes. So yes, in this situation, your ex is narcissistic. She’s toxic. She basically just wants to use you and so clearly, you should not get back with her and you got to be real with yourself. But the same thing applies with a non-narcissistic ex. So even if your ex is not narcissistic, and maybe it’s been nine months, at some point, yes, maybe you can get back together in the future, but at some point you gotta just recognize that this is going nowhere. “I tried to make it work. I’m gonna keep moving forward. I’m gonna keep focusing on myself. I’m gonna turn myself into a king. I’m gonna achieve all the goals that I’ve set for myself. And I’m going to climb higher, and higher, and higher to the sky.” The sky is the limit! So you gotta be real with yourself! Whether your ex is toxic or not, be real with yourself!

Toxic Girlfriend Behavior: Ex Girlfriend Left Me Suddenly & Asked For A Break After She Misbehaved

Back then, when my ex broke up with me, we had a lot of fights and a lot of drama. My ex would criticize me all the time and she would often come home late at night. Partying a lot, staying with friends, hanging out with her shitty girlfriends, encouraging her to party with them. It was a really tough time for me. She withdrew from the relationship in the last months before the breakup, and then one day she just didn’t come home and I texted her multiple times, and eventually, she messaged me and told me that she wanted us to break up, and that she can’t go on with this anymore.

So that is a classic narcissistic pattern. She’s basically doing what is called the discard, or rather, she is preparing to discard, and that night, when she didn’t come home, for sure, she most likely has been cheating on you. Look, I can’t say that for sure, but what are the odds? It’s just a red flag and if she’s partying, or she used to be partying with her girl friends all the time, not coming home, or just basically being an irresponsible girlfriend, let’s just put aside the narcissistic bullshit and the discard, and all that stuff. Not coming home… That is bad enough already! But what’s also really terrible is just that she’s a woman who doesn’t take responsibility. Look, if you would be in a relationship, imagine if you’re the guy and you do not come home, or you just spend so much time partying with your bros, and doing all kinds of irresponsible shit… Maybe you’re hanging out with drug addicts or something like that. I don’t know. Imagine you’re doing something that’s really irresponsible. How is it gonna fly with the woman that you’re dating?! I guess you can imagine it’s not gonna fly very well!

So no matter how much you try to twist this, whether she’s an unhealthy woman, whether she’s a toxic woman, a narcissistic woman, and she’s just fucked up, or whether she’s just born with character flaws and doesn’t know how to act responsibly, she’s not the right woman for you! So that’s important to recognize and just in general, the fact that she didn’t come home, and she didn’t even tell you about what was going on, that’s just a super red flag! That’s just like… “Okay, we can’t do this anymore! I’m sorry, I love you.” But even if you still love her, or even if she wouldn’t be narcissistic, I’d say “Look, I love you but I can’t do this. This is not okay. You gotta tell me what’s going on. And I don’t wanna do something like this anymore because I don’t trust you.” So that was a major red flag and by the way, I am still sick, so I apologize if my voice gets a little bit sick. If I’m sounding sick. So anyways, let’s continue.

I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that she would just break up like that with me over the phone. I told her to come to talk about it in person but she said that she just can’t and that she needs some time alone. She didn’t come home for three days. She only picked up some of her clothes when I wasn’t home. Eventually, she messaged me and told me that she was going to get all her things.

So basically, she’s just done and she doesn’t even want to talk about it, and she’s basically avoiding the conflict because she knows that what she’s doing is fucking bullshit. It’s not just bullshit… It’s painful. It’s disrespectful. And narcissists don’t want to be confronted with this kind of stuff. They do not want to be confronted with the fact that they are shitty people who only hurt everyone left and right. I have this video called “Toxic women leave a pile of dead bodies behind” or something like that. It’s basically about what narcissists do. They leave a pile of dead bodies. They know exactly what they’re doing and she knows exactly what she’s been doing and she’s just basically evading all consequences, all accountability, and let’s see what you say, because now we’re gonna see that it’s really bad basically.

Ex Doesn’t Care About Breakup: When Your Ex Girlfriend Acts Like You Never Dated And Leaves

When she got her stuff, I tried talking with her about it, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She was so cold and seemed to not care about us at all any longer. It’s as if nothing between us mattered to her and she treated me as what we had as if it never even existed. The entire experience really traumatized me and it took me several weeks just to not have constant anxiety attacks, and waking up, sweating like pig in the middle of the night. I made the mistake of trying to talk to her more than once before I let it go and did no contact.

So you can see this is super painful. It’s like she’s acting like you never existed. Like she cannot recognize, she cannot acknowledge that she dated you. Did you mention it? I don’t think you mentioned how long you’ve been dating, but it doesn’t even matter. Like whether you’re dating a month, for one year, or two years, or three years, or 10 years… Just imagine if you would just run away and you would not give her any fucking closure. That’s just a total dick move. If you would do that, you would be a fucking asshole! So if she does that, she’s a fucking asshole as well. She’s a piss poor quality woman. Not high value at all. And she doesn’t want to deal with any of the consequences. She just wants to run away and she’s probably already fucking some other guy most likely. And at some point, she’s gonna come back and we’re gonna get into this now how she comes back.

Ex Girlfriend “Rebounding”: When Your Ex Narcissist Has A New Boyfriend Right After The Breakup

It was tough because I found out that she was having a rebound relationship already two weeks after our breakup. A friend of mine who works as a barista at a 24/7 coffee shop saw her with some guy early in the morning and she said that she looked really happy with him. I was heartbroken to hear about it. That just added to all my anxieties and so I was terrible at no contact at first.

Yeah, that probably was not a rebound. That was probably the guy that she was fucking the night when she was not coming home, because look, your friend saw her two weeks after the breakup, but who’s to say that this didn’t go on already a week after the breakup? Or a day after the breakup? You never know. I once dated a woman… The woman who motivated me to become a relationship coach… It was exactly like that. I went for a run, we were on a small island, not many people on that island, I go for a run in the morning and I see her with the new guy on the motorbike and it’s just unrealistic to just be with some new guy after like what was probably two or three days after the breakup or something like that. Maybe sooner. And I could not believe it. I just was traumatized, like you said, it’s really, really traumatizing.

And do you think that situation that I was in was a rebound? Where she had a new guy after like two days or something like that? After one and a half years or something like that of a relationship? Nah! That was the guy that she was cheating on with me, or multiple guys that she was cheating on. And she’s doing the same. So this is not a rebound. Don’t kid yourself. Don’t bullshit yourself. This was the guy that she had been lining up as your replacement. Maybe she had been talking to this guy behind your back for quite some time and this was calculated. This was not just like “I’m emotional. I’m feeling weak. I’m feeling vulnerable,” and making bad decisions and trying to heal the pain because it’s so hurtful to lose you. But as you say it’s not painful for her to lose you at all. She’s like “Fuck it, I don’t give a shit! I’m just gonna jump to the next guy!” and that’s it. So it’s not painful for her, and rebounds are used to avoid that pain. That’s a normal human reaction. Even non-toxic people do that. And there’s nothing wrong with it.

But she’s not doing a rebound to heal herself. She is doing it… It’s not a rebound because she doesn’t need anything to be healed. She doesn’t give two shits about you. So that’s important to recognize and obviously, it also added to your anxieties, understandably, because you are dedicated to this relationship. You didn’t want it to end and it happened out of nowhere. That’s bad enough already, and now she’s already fucking some other guy! So you’re not out of this relationship emotionally at all at this point. Back then, at least. I think even now you’re not really out of it yet, but it makes sense to just not be out of that relationship emotionally after that breakup when you don’t see it coming and she’s just already fucking some other guy, basically. Everything that you’ve given to her, it feels like it didn’t mean anything, and most likely it didn’t, unfortunately. I’m sorry to say it to you so bluntly. It didn’t mean much to her, and at some point, that knowledge will become liberating because it will show you that you can find a much better woman who actually gives two fucks about you. So that’s something to keep in mind.

Going No Contact After She Discarded You: Letting Go And Focusing On Yourself To Heal

I was terrible at no contact at first, but eventually, I let it go because I just couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. I went on a men’s retreat in a national park and spent an awesome time with some guys and spent time reflecting on myself, our relationship, and everything that happened. This was one of the best things that I had done for myself in a long time and without it, I probably would have still chased her or spent every minute thinking about her. Not that I didn’t still think about her all the time, but eventually, things got better as time passed. I slowly found back to myself and during that time, I picked up a new hobby as well: Running. My running group really helped me get through all of this. Without them, I would have felt so alone. They actually have become good friends, even outside of going running together.

Dude, that is awesome! I mentioned this in a video before. I had a leg injury right when I got here to Bali because I’ve been running too much. So today I had my first run and I understand community is really helpful. It’s very helpful after a breakup, especially. And the things that you’ve done for yourself, the men’s group, the men’s retreat, and also the runnings group, it shows you that there are people who actually treat you with dignity, who appreciate you, and who would not treat you like shit. Now, I get it these people don’t really know you. They’re not very invested in you. But if you’ve ever been fucked over by a woman, you just appreciate people who treat you like a real human being so much more.

So congrats on doing the running group. Congrats on going to a men’s retreat. This is highly recommended. Actually, going on a men’s retreat or a silent retreat, or something like that, especially if it’s with men, it’s very helpful to just share each other’s strengths and weaknesses and to build each other up. So good job, because it clearly helped you to stop thinking about her so much. And so everybody who’s watching this video, that’s a great idea. That’s something great that you should do. I would actually like to probably organize some men’s retreats in Bali in the future. Maybe send me an email if you find this interesting. Bali is a really good place for this. It’s just nature everywhere. The beaches are freaking amazing and you can just basically heal yourself in this place. No matter how painful things are, if you live in paradise for a few weeks, it really helps you to ground yourself. You get back to the earth, the nature, and you get back to yourself. Deep down to yourself. And that makes breakup so much easier. So anyway. that’s something interesting that I’m gonna hopefully do in the future as well. And good job for doing the men’s retreat!

She’ll Come Back For No Reason: Signs Your Ex Girlfriend Is Using You For Attention

Anyway, as time passed, I wouldn’t hear from her, but roughly after the six-month mark, she’d begin reaching out to me probably once every two months or so. And every time I felt like I was making a little bit of progress with her but I also felt as if there was always a distance between us, like she kept up her guard. At first, I was hopeful when I’d hear from her and thought that things would get better over time, but as she reached out more often, I realized that I wasn’t making any progress at all.

Yeah, because she doesn’t care about you. So she’s messaging you every two or so months, right? And she doesn’t want to resolve anything. She just wants to make sure that if ever she has to dump someone, like she dumped you, she has a backup. You are her backup plan. And if nothing is making any progress, that should be a red flag to you because why would she message you all the time if she doesn’t want to resolve this?! And look, even if she has her guard up, yes, after a breakup, a woman can have her guard up, for sure, but at some point, she’s gonna recognize “I gotta let my guard down” because she knows that you can’t do the job for her. And at some point she’s going to let her defenses down as she feels comfortable around you. And if you’ve been talking for so many times, she doesn’t care, man! She just does not care! But anyway, let’s see what you continue saying.

Ex Girlfriend Still Angry: What To Do If Your Ex Is Using You To Feel Better About Herself

Whenever she reached out to me, she would bring up something about the relationship that didn’t make her happy. So that hindered any progress because I just wanted to meet up and do something fun and light-hearted to rekindle the passion between us, but she was always focused on the problems in the relationship. Whenever I asked her if she wanted to meet up, she’d say that she couldn’t right now and that she had things to do. Work, going out with friends, etc. …

So that is the devalue. So there’s a cycle with narcissists… They idolize, they make you feel good. Then they devalue you, they make you feel bad. And then they discard you. And then they repeat the process. So now you’re basically kind of in an idolization stage. She messages you, right? It makes you feel like she cares about you. She wants to know about the relationship, or well, not really know about the relationship, but she’s talking about the relationship. So you’re telling yourself: “Clearly, she still cares!” But then she always devalues you and she doesn’t really care, right? She always has things to do.

Like wait… So going out with friends?! She can’t meet up with you because she’s going out with friends??? She’s been messaging you… Maybe she’s been messaging you at least let’s say hypothetically six times… I don’t know the exact number, but always in two months intervals, and she can’t meet up because she’s going out with friends?! Even though she clearly cares about the relationship? Because she continuously brings up things that didn’t make her happy. So wouldn’t she want to talk about them? That makes no sense! There’s no congruence there. So she’s just using you. She doesn’t care about you, as I said.

Ex Girlfriend Narcissist Pulling Away: Why Does She Pull Away When We Get Close

At some point I gave up trying to ask her out but even to this day, she still gets in touch with me. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sure that in the next two to three months I’m going to hear from her again but whatever I say or do, she just won’t make a step further towards me. It’s as if she’s stuck in the past and doesn’t know what the right thing is to do. At this point, I’m out of options because I tried so many times to talk to her but it’s just pointless and I don’t know what to do. She’s clearly somehow attracted to me, or thinks about me, otherwise, she wouldn’t message me, but she’s unable to let her guard down. So what should I do with her? Thanks a lot! Looking forward to hearing your advice. Thanks for the content you make! Keep up all the great stuff.

So what should you do? You brought up one good point. Let me just scroll up to your message. You said that “it feels like she’s stuck in the past“… Guess what? In a way that’s accurate. Narcissists are always stuck in the past. Why? Because they keep on dumping their partners. Because they don’t make them happy. But guess what happens when your partner always doesn’t make me happy? Then you think that the last one was better! So narcissists are always stuck in the past, always looking backwards. This guy was better. This guy was better. This guy was better. But not good enough to actually commit to them! Just good enough to give them that dopamine rush, give them that validation, that ego boost to make them feel good about themselves. To know that they’re still desired, and once they got that, they’re gone and then they come back. In your case it seems every three months, which would just fucking drive me crazy! Because yeah, I understand you’re thinking like… “Why would she message me unless she actually cares about me?” Right?!

That’s a reasonable assumption with a healthy, normal human being. But with a unhealthy woman who doesn’t give two fucks about you, who just threw you away like trash, who had a rebound / cheated on you most likely while you were basically still in a relationship, she has no concern for you. She didn’t even give you any closure whatsoever. She doesn’t care about you, man. And she’s just weighing her options. So you’re out of options because you are an option to her. So you shouldn’t do anything at all. This woman is really, really bad for you. You’re never gonna get back with her and what was the exact time frame? Well, every two to three months she messages you. So I forgot if you mentioned the time of how long it actually continued, but as I said, you could find another woman. And you’re wasting your time. You’re wasting your precious, precious life.

And any year that you waste on not dating the right woman, or not dating the wrong woman to learn who is the right woman for you, that’s time wasted! You could have dated a woman, maybe she wasn’t the right one for you, you could have dated the perfect woman, or almost a perfect woman, and maybe you could have had a great relationship. You could then have a great relationship with her. Maybe it only lasts for five years and something was still not perfect and you’re learning. You can learn from these experiences. But right now you’re stuck in the cycle where you can’t learn. So it’s not going anywhere and that is your cue to leave. Go somewhere. Even if you date a woman who doesn’t make you that happy, that’s still better than a woman like this who also doesn’t make you happy. What is there to lose? Honestly, if you meet a new woman that you don’t know if she can make you happy, and then she doesn’t make you happy, well yeah… Shit happens, okay, but she could also make you happy!

So my advice is: Do nothing. Don’t try to break through her defenses because she has no defenses, or rather, she has defenses, but they’re up on purpose. She doesn’t want you to break through anything, and so that’s why you can never break through it, because with a woman who is a bit insecure, after the breakup, yes she wants you to break through that. And eventually, it becomes very weak and brittle, and maybe she walks through that wall herself, or maybe you’re slowly going to push that wall aside, but with a woman like her, with a narcissistic woman like nah… She’s just gonna put more cement in front. More bricks. The wall is like the giant wall of China. You can never cross. You can never get through. That it’s! The perfect defense system! And she just wants to recycle her partners. So keep moving forward. Go on dating apps, man. Date another woman. Meet some great women, that’s all you can do in this situation. I know that’s not really what you want to hear, but sometimes you gotta be real with yourself. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

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