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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about no contact and specifically in the context of cheating if you are the one who has been cheating. And the truth is if you’re the one who has been cheating but also of course actually if your ex has been cheating as well you gotta take a hard look at yourself, at your relationship and also at your woman. Why did you cheat? Why did she cheat? And ultimately if you’re cheating or she has been cheating if one of you is not going to change your behaviors it’s never gonna work out. You can apply no contact as much as you want, you can have her come back after four months or a random time period, maybe she even forgave you but if you don’t change your behavior or the reason why you cheated in the first place you will probably just repeat it again.
And so if you really screwed up in a relationship and this does not just apply for cheating, you can screw up in lots of ways. Cheating is a form of betrayal of trust. Whatever form of trust that you’ve betrayed or how you’ve betrayed it with your ex, if she really feels like she can’t trust you anymore, no contact alone is not going to do the trick. You gotta work on yourself. So in today’s video I have a message from a guy who has been cheating and he wants my advice and the advice is pretty much that. He needs to actually work on himself not just to no contact. So let’s get into his message.
No Contact After Cheating: I Was Unhappy With My Ex Girlfriend And I Cheated On Her But Want Her Back
Hello coach I’ve been unsure whether I send you this email because I know that you usually give very honest feedback about breakup situations. Mine isn’t flattering at all. I want my ex-girlfriend back and I’m willing to do anything to make it happen but I did the worst thing possible to my ex. I cheated on her with another woman. Back then I was very unhappy in the relationship because we were often fighting about many small issues.
Well, the thing is: If you’re fighting about small issues, that’s not a reason to actually cheat on your ex, or on your girlfriend. That is a reason to actually talk about the small issues. And I get it. When you often have these small issues and you’re fighting about stuff that just isn’t worth fighting about, and you get so angry at each other and you feel like you’re talking against the wall, or it goes in one ear and comes out of the next ear. It feels really frustrating! But that’s really what you have to do. If you can’t see eye to eye, you gotta figure out how can you see eye to eye. And honestly, probably the simplest way how you could try to resolve a fight without becoming a communication guru and figuring out how to ask all the right questions or figuring out how to ask your ex or your girlfriend “hey how do you feel? What you need from me?“…
Yes, these things are great! But you gotta read some books about this, otherwise you’re not gonna get good at it. What you can actually sometimes try is, and it depends of course on your situation, is to just actually say yes to the requests of your partner. So if your ex or your girlfriend has been often complaining, or you have these small things that you’re fighting about, so maybe she’s fighting about you not cleaning up the bathroom, or something like that. Let’s say something really small and you just don’t want to do it right? For some reason you don’t want to do it. Just do it! Is it gonna kill you if you do the small request? Probably not. Unless it’s a huge request you would not care about it. Let’s be real. It fucking doesn’t matter. A lot of requests take 5-10 minutes. And let’s be real: A lot of us waste a ton of time our entire day with Netflix, and being unproductive, going on Facebook, social media apps, procrastinating, watching cat videos, or whatever. We’re wasting our lives, right? I do the same thing sometimes. I get really lazy and I just don’t do shit. I don’t work and I’m just procrastinating and that time can be spent to actually fulfill a request of your partner.
And that’s not really much to ask. It’s the same thing like you’ve probably heard this advice about how to become a millionaire. Just don’t drink a Starbucks coffee every single day and if that’s true, who knows, I don’t know, probably, if you invest in crypto, it’s true. But it’s valid advice. If you just don’t drink that coffee cup, it’s not that hard to just let go of that coffee cup. Just fucking stop drinking your coffee cup. And in the same way, like whatever cleaning up the sink, when you’re shaving your beard, or putting your shoes in right place, or whatever it is. These small things here and there… You can just fucking do them. Try it for a week. Or try it for a month. And see what actually happens. And if that doesn’t help, then you break out the bigger tools. The communication tools. Alright, so let’s continue what he says next.
Getting An Ex Back After Cheating: If You Want Your Ex Girlfriend Back, Dig Deep To Address The Problem
In hindsight it was not worth fighting over lots of this small shit.
Well, if you can realize that it wasn’t worth fighting over these small things then you should definitely also realize it’s not worth cheating over this kind of stuff. Well, it should of course never be justified to cheat. If you already cheat for something really small, that tells you that there’s a clear problem in your relationship that you gotta fix. Of course, everything can be felt as a betrayal of trust in a relationship, but in general, if there are small things in a relationship that don’t make you happy, you shouldn’t respond to these things with big reactions. Cheating is obviously a really big and bad reaction, but also just in general, let’s say you have small things here and there that you don’t like about each other.
And then you have like really violent fights, you get really loud, you get really aggressive, you insult each other, and let’s take it even further. Let’s take it a little bit extreme. Let’s say you become abusive or she becomes abusive. That’s just crazy! Why would you do that, right? It doesn’t make sense. So your grievances with your girlfriend should be in proportion to the problem that you actually have. That’s just something important to know. And I’m not saying that if you have something huge happening like a huge problem that does not justify cheating. That’s by the way not what I’m saying, just to be clear here.
I Made A Terrible Mistake: I Got Caught Cheating On My Girlfriend — How To Win Her Back?
You know that when every little problem turns into a reason for a fight? I couldn’t stand it and around the same time I met a woman through a mutual friend and I developed feelings for her because we chat a lot. We hooked up a few times but eventually, I got caught cheating by my ex.
Ouch! So she must really hate you right now! She must have been really angry. Maybe she’s still angry at you and you gotta understand what you’ve done with the cheating. It’s probably the worst betrayal of trust that you can do to a woman because unlike what a lot of red pill guys will say, they will always say that women are not loyal or that women will just use you, or that they say “she was never yours it was only your turn“… Basically, women will just ditch you whenever they want. And yeah, women will ditch you when they are really fucking unhappy, but before that, women will always give their all. If they’re not narcissistic they will fucking love a guy till the end, until he fucks up so badly that they’re just completely done. And so clearly, you are at a stage where she’s just completely done now.
It’s basically no chance to get back with her, right now at least. And you gotta reflect on what happened there. Your ex is not the focus right now. Trying to get your ex back is just not relevant because honestly, I can’t tell you if you’re ever gonna get back together. Some couples can actually reconcile after a breakup and it has been shown that bad breakups actually are more likely to get back together, but obviously, infidelity is a pretty big problem. But it’s not just a problem between the two of you. It’s a problem between yourself and everybody else. Because that tells me that you’re looking for easy ways and easy solutions for life. But life is not easy. Relationships are not easy. And so what if you can’t fix it with your ex? You’re gonna run to the same problem again with another woman. So you gotta really address this problem.
Figure out why the heck did you cheat on her? I know you think that you cheated on her because she didn’t make you happy but like I already said, is that really a reason to cheat on her because of small fights here and there? And you said it yourself: They were not worth fighting over. Of course not. SoI would ask you to look at why did you actually do this. Why did you not just go to your girlfriend and talk with her about this or tell her you want to break up? Are you afraid of confrontation? Why would you rather turn to another woman in such extreme measures rather than talking to the woman that you’re spending probably every single day of your life with? I assume that you’ve been a couple and you’ve been living together in the same house, same apartment. So you saw her every single day. You made a commitment to each other.
And even if things aren’t going great, why would you not turn to her, the woman that you spend every single day of your life with, rather than spending some time and hooking up with woman that you basically don’t know, right? You said it yourself: You met this woman from your friend, right, that’s what you said. So you didn’t really know this woman and what I assume is what you did was that you looked for closeness from her because your girlfriend did no longer feel close. So obviously, if your girlfriend doesn’t feel close to you anymore, then you gotta figure out how do I actually close that gap between the two of us? And it’s about reconnection rituals. It’s about talking about the problems, rather than looking to another woman who’s really far away from you. Really, so why would you do that? That makes no sense!
Will Your Ex Forgive You For Cheating: Can You Fix A Broken Relationship After Cheating?
That’s how the relationship ended. She was so angry at me. She literally threw objects in our house. I will never forget the look in her eyes and how I hurt her. Honestly, just typing this makes me cry. I still remember it as if it was yesterday. I hate myself for cheating on her and I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done. I can’t even forgive myself, so it’s hard to believe she will forgive me. It has been five months since the breakup and I miss her so much. Back then she kicked me out of our apartment without a second thought.
So judging from her reaction, she did not see this coming. She did not expect you to be cheating. Well, she clearly must have loved you, even if maybe she wasn’t happy with you anymore. Maybe you both haven’t been happy with each other. She still was emotionally invested. So a lot of couples typically have this. This is how relationship cycles or breakup cycles happen. We lose interest, but we still love that person, and then we try to typically talk about the problems, then we lose interest again, and eventually, we’re gonna break up. That’s how breakups typically happen. So no matter how bad things were, she clearly loved you a lot because if she has been throwing stuff through your house, she felt really disappointed. Not just disappointed. Just crushed. Hurt. Lied to. Betrayed. Used. Abused.
And you gotta accept and understand that these emotions, all of these negative emotions that she has, they’re not that easy to forget. They’re not that easy to forgive. It takes a lot of goodwill from her side to actually forgive you for this. Now, the question, of course, is: Have you made up for your mistakes? Have you told her why you did this? And I feel like you haven’t really reflected properly yet on why you actually broke up. And so I don’t think that she’s actually at that spot where she can easily forgive you, because I don’t think that she has already heard enough about how you thought about this, and how you reflected on this, and how you try to work on yourself. So that’s something to keep in mind.
She Left Me After I Cheated: I Made A Fool Out Of Myself When I Cheated And Begged Her To Stay
I desperately begged her to give me another chance. I literally went on my knees and cried and begged in front of her but that only made things worse. She even told me that I’m a piece of shit and that she wished I would die. I know you’ll probably say that it was pathetic about how I begged but I couldn’t see any other way to fix this. I know I left a bad impression but it was the best thing I could think of at the time. She left and from there things just got worse.
Yeah so of course that didn’t work begging in general never works but I think in a case like this specifically where you really screwed up, where you’ve been doing something really wrong and you know exactly why she’s so upset… So that tells me that you knew the consequences of your actions and she knows the same thing. So any begging on your part is just well… She said it… You’re a piece of shit! That’s what she felt like. So she doesn’t trust your word at all and she’s kind of right about this because why would you do that? You should have just told her that you’re not happy. Either break up, went to a relationship counselor, or taken a break. But not going to another woman. And so this kind of begging is actually, I’m sorry to say it, probably the worst type of begging that you can do, because begging, yes, it’s weak, it’s needy, but it symbolizes that you really love a person.
But in your case, I’m assuming you’re begging, yeah, you love her, kind of, but it was more to save your ass. Let’s be real. And she knows that. And you should be real with yourself that a big part of that begging was probably just to save face and to make sure that you can actually salvage the situation. You basically knew how deep you were in this shit and so that’s why she, of course, would never trust you in this moment because she knows everything that you’re saying right now is really just to save your own ass. So there is no way that she could possibly trust that you’re coming from the right place, because probably a few days later…
Or no, actually, she caught you cheating, right? So right in that moment when she caught you cheating, you gave no fucks. Right? You were cheating. So you didn’t think there was anything wrong with it or if you thought that there was something wrong with it, you didn’t think there’s enough wrong with it because you kept on going anyways. So that tells me at that point when you were begging, there wasn’t really any remorse, or not the right kind of remorse. So it’s kind of natural that she does not forgive you or just really thinks pretty poorly of you. It’s just something to keep in mind.
Begging An Ex Girlfriend After Cheating: How To Earn Your Ex’s Trust Back When She Hates You
Of course, I have been doing no contact although I ain’t gonna lie, I begged for a really long time. It was around two and a half months with gaps of a week each or so in between. Eventually, she told me to get out of her life and blocked me.
So that totally didn’t work at all! She was so done with you. She basically wanted nothing to do with you. I don’t know if anyone who’s watching this here can relate to this but if you’ve ever dealt with an ex that just wanted nothing to do with them and you just wanted them out of your life, you really just want them gone, even just thinking about them disgusts you. And that’s how she felt. And so the fact that she actually didn’t block you in the first place tells me that she was quite attached to you but then at some point because you kept on begging, it just got worse and worse, and she was like “I’m done with this. I am so disgusted with you. So let me block you because I need my space, my boundaries. You are really unhealthy for me and I just want to heal from this,” and honestly, you don’t want to hear this but getting blocked by her is actually the right thing for both of you because she needs some space to heal from everything that you’ve done.
And you need the no contact, the space from her to actually reflect on your actions. And I know you’re really hurting right now and you hate yourself for what you’ve done, but you gotta keep going. You gotta keep on reflecting on this. And it sounds a little bit to me that you’re primarily focused on getting her back right now but that’s not what you should be focused on. You should be focused on being a king, being a better man, figuring out how you can improve your behavior, and also making it right with her. Right now it’s not about you at all, man, because you totally broke her trust. You hurt her feelings so badly that it’s not about you at all, man. You need to fix it with her, for her, and look, if you haven’t even given her an apology yet, well, now it is too late but if she ever wants an apology, you gotta give her a real sincere apology that shows you’ve reflected on this and that apology is not to seek forgiveness or to get her back, but it is for her to heal, because if you truly love that woman and you want to make it right, then you’re gonna make it right for her, not for yourself.
I Cheated And She Blocked Me: How To Convince Your Ex To Get Back With You If You Cheated & She’s Done
I’ve now been blocked and haven’t heard anything from her. I know I have to keep doing no contact if I want her back, but what else should I do now? I’m blocked so I could never talk to her again. I’m having a really hard time going on with life aside from wanting her back. I can’t sleep properly anymore. It’s gotten so bad that I have begun resorting to antidepressants, sleeping pills. What should I do now? Please help me out.
So there are two things that you should do and they’re kind of contradictory to each other. Actually, the number one thing is you should actually focus on what went wrong. And so you probably need to pick up a book about infidelity. So what was that name of that book. How to deal with infidelity, or how to heal from infidelity. There are lots of great books about infidelity. You need to reflect on this and really do the real work to work on yourself and why you did this. That’s not just for her. It’s also for yourself and your future relationships, if things don’t work out with your ex. That is number one.
No contact itself is not the thing that you need to be focused on because yeah, maybe she comes back and she will want to talk with you, but that’s not what it is about. And when you do that, when you reflect on this stuff, and when you read a book, you’re probably not gonna like what you’re looking at when you look in the mirror and see yourself. You’re definitely not gonna like what you see but that’s just who you are, and that’s basically who you don’t want to be. I hope so. So you gotta figure out “How can I go from where I am at right now to becoming a different kind of man who would never do something like this ever again? So that’s number one. You have to figure out what went wrong there inside of you. And that’s really uncomfortable.
And now here’s where the contradictory part is you also need to stop beating yourself up because I’m sure you really hate yourself right now and so you must be filled with regret and you’re all by yourself, and it’s reasonable to feel very lonely right now. And so it’s important to not drown in this sadness forever. I want you to look at the things you don’t like and that’s gonna be painful and yeah, it’s gonna be really hard to do that but you can’t do this forever. Once you figure out why you did this, once you had remorse and regrets, and you can have some crying sessions, and you can look at yourself for a week and just put yourself down and just really hate yourself, that’s fine, but then you have to take all of that energy, it’s negative energy, and you have to turn that into positive energy.
You have to turn into a warrior of change. Turn that negative energy that you’ve accumulated by your own actions and turn it into positive energy. Embrace the process of who you are becoming and how you’re changing. And even though you don’t feel that great right now because you screwed up so much, it’s small baby steps towards becoming a better man. So what else should you do? Don’t chase her! Forget no contact in the sense of there’s nothing going on right now with trying to re-attract her. What should be going on is inside of you, for yourself, or any other woman, her included, that you might be dating in the future. Everything that you’re doing right now or that you should be doing should be for the sake of not hurting anybody in the future.
And so you mentioned that you have problems with sleeping, right. So you’re taking antidepressants or sleeping pills, or both, I guess antidepressants often actually kind of act like sleeping pills. Anyway, basically what you probably should do is you should hit the gym. I read some really interesting studies recently about physical pain and rejection. Social rejection. Breakup rejection. Romantic rejection. And so basically what these studies were saying was that all of this emotional pain feels like physical pain to us and so then there was another study that was not really related to breakups but that basically suggested that if you hit the gym, you can actually become more resilient. So it’s a quite interesting relation there, that if you actually work out, you become more resilient and it becomes easier to deal with that pain because you essentially become more tolerant to pain.
And right now you are in a lot of pain which is most likely why you can’t sleep anymore. Because it’s so hard. It’s probably weighing really heavily on you, right? So you gotta find some ways how to have it not weigh so heavily on you. And so workout is a great way to just increase your u-opioids in your body. That essentially stops you from feeling that much pain and if you feel less pain, you can focus more on becoming a better person. You can focus more on getting back on your feet without her. It’s not about her right now. And then later on you can take the next step. Maybe in the future she will unblock you. But I’m not gonna promise this to you because you really screwed up big time here. So it should not be focused on her at all because there’s just no guarantee that she is going to come back or even unblock you because she clearly has been really hurt and so it’s really up to her most of the part.
I would just say don’t worry if an ex blocked you, she’s just going to come back eventually, or she’s going to unblock you eventually. But in this case, it could really be that she’s never going to unblock you. I’m sorry, you gotta man up and accept that even though it’s painful, that’s just a harsh truth and I know that was not the advice that you wanted to hear but that’s really the most important advice that I can give you right now. So I hope that was helpful for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.