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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about how to get over your ex and dealing with your insecurities when you’re entering a new relationship. So it’s really difficult when you have a breakup, you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, you feel devastated. To a lot of people it feels like the death of a relationship, the death of a person, partly also the death of yourself. And so of course after that you feel beaten down. You don’t really know okay how do I move forward especially with other women because you feel like you’re not at the top of your game, you don’t feel good about yourself. You might worry that another woman is going to see this as well. And I shouldn’t have to say this but it’s really important to find the thing that works for you to move forward.
Starting New After A Breakup: All Beginnings Are Hard But Do It If You Have No Confidence After A Breakup
So as you can see I have a new backdrop, I just landed in Bali, it’s so damn hot here. With all the lights as well, can’t turn on the aircon. I’m not sure about the audio, it might be echo here. So let me know what the audio is like and so on. But you gotta move forward and find something that works for you. Me, I moved forward to Bali, I had a big problem. with the pandemic with Philippines and I decided okay this is not working for me anymore, Philippines is not working anymore. That gave me a really broken heart because everything was there. My home. But it wasn’t working out for me anymore. And eventually, I decided okay it’s time for a new start in Indonesia, Bali.
And so now I’m here and I found something that worked for me. And until then I had a lot of heartbreak, I had to deal with a lot of insecurities about it. Is this going to work? Am I going to make new friends here? What about all my hundreds of friends in the Philippines? So you know sometimes you just gotta move forward. And in today’s video we’re going to talk about. exactly that. How do you move forward? How do you make the decisions to move forward? What is the right strategy? I have a situation from a guy who has that problem and I’ll give him my advice. And I can definitely tell it’s really hot in Bali so I might have to turn on the aircon for the next recording. So let’s see how that goes.
Feeling Unattractive After A Breakup: How To Start Dating Again After A Breakup When You Feel Weak
Hello coach, I hope you can help me with my problem of moving on from my ex. Or to be more precise, my problem is that I can’t let go of my self-doubts and that dating another woman feels hard to bear. I am trying hard to let all the pain and hardships from my last relationship go, but I don’t feel confident meeting new women. Even just matching on Tinder doesn’t feel right to me. Every swipe feels like I’m not going to get a match and when I match with women I just feel very uninspired to talk to them because I question everything that I am saying to them.
So that tells me that maybe right now is not the best time to start dating. Maybe you should actually just start to meet women somewhere in general or meet people in general. So if your confidence is that low obviously if you go on Tinder everything that you’re going to say or do is going to really turn them off. Maybe just your opener the first message that you send is already going to turn them off. It’s going to be really insecure and so that’s not going to work. Actually, it’s just going to make it worse because it’s just going to reaffirm to you that there’s something wrong with you or that you don’t have confidence or that you’re not lovable that you know whatever didn’t work out in the last relationship maybe you’re projecting and thinking that this is going to happen in the next relationship as well.
And so maybe it’s better to actually spend some time by yourself and instead of focusing on women focus on yourself focus on friends and yes you can also meet women but maybe you should meet them in a more organic setting. So instead of Tinder or dates and whatever means you do to actually meet women perhaps you should just hang out with friends meet some people and along the way you’re going to meet some women that will help you become more confident and to feel happy in your own skin again. And it’s all about getting back to that state of mind that if used to be in before when you were happy before you met your ex you were happy and that’s why she fell in love with you. And so you have to get back to that same state so that another woman is going to fall in love with you. So let’s see what you have to say next.
Ex Girlfriend Destroyed My Confidence: How To Find A New Girlfriend After A Breakup That Broke Your Heart
This is by the way not how I used to be. I mean I used to be more of a shy guy but I didn’t feel unworthy in the past when talking to a woman. Shy yes, but not feeling bad about myself. For some context maybe it’s important to let you know that my last ex left me and it happened way too unexpectedly to me. She said that she wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted to go find herself. To me that is cliche bullshit translated to I wasn’t good enough for her to make her happy.
Look that is actually true. It’s actually good that you recognize that this is bullshit. She doesn’t need to find herself. She needs to find another dude. But does it mean that there’s something wrong with you? Not necessarily. There could be but maybe you’re just not right for each other. Maybe you two haven’t really learned how to communicate well together yet. Maybe one of the two of you hasn’t learned it yet. Does it mean that you’re a bad person or that there’s something wrong with you? No of course not. It’s just that timing was wrong. One of you lacked communication skills and so whatever the reason was maybe certain characteristics just don’t work together and it’s fine if that doesn’t work out but it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. She just doesn’t think that you’re the right one for her but you can actually find another woman who will think that you are perfectly fine for her.
So anyway, as you said you weren’t like this before so it just goes back to what I just said before. You have to focus on yourself to feel happy again and then the women will follow. So right now of course you are always a shy guy and you’re probably always gonna be a shy guy unless you work on that of course, but you said that you’re kind of you know looking down on yourself or you think that there’s something. wrong with you. So that part of you is not normal and that’s just a phase that it’s going to pass over time. And one way to accelerate that to reduce the time it takes is to actually surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.
Because once you feel good about yourself women are also going to see that you feel good about yourself and then they want to talk to you and you don’t have to force anything. You don’t have to think about any smart lines to tell them. You’re just going to talk to them and it’s going to be great. So focus on that and don’t focus on the fact that you think that you didn’t make you happy and you think that there’s something wrong with you, because there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re learning to grow look at you, you’re on this channel I’m giving you advice right now that means you’re a king, you’re awesome and even if there might have been something wrong with you in the past and that didn’t make you happy it doesn’t mean that you’re not right now changing to improve yourself. So take a moment to appreciate yourself.
How To Get Over Your Ex That You Still Love: A New Girlfriend Will Not Solve Your Problems
So anyway, my dating experiences right now are just not good. Everything from initial matching to meeting up for a date or even just talking to a woman in public when I get the chance makes me feel insecure. I always have this nagging feeling inside of me that I’m not good enough and the next woman that I’ll date will feel about me the same way my ex felt about me. The way that I feel right now I think this wouldn’t be a wrong assumption at all. I just don’t know how I could possibly sell myself to a woman when clearly deep down I am still hurting and still have a broken heart. The breakup with my ex has been six months ago and I feel like it’s really time to let it go and move forward but I am still thinking about the last relationship too much. It’s like a chicken-egg situation. I need a new woman to forget the old relationship.
So clearly, again, you should not be focused on relationships right now. If you take a longer time to heal, then you should not be focused on dating again. Instead like I said focus on women who you can just be platonic with. So you said it even yourself that in public it’s also kind of scary for you to talk to a woman. You feel insecure. So it’s not the right thing for you. Clearly, that approach is not working, Tinder is not working, and talking to a woman in public at let’s say a grocery store is not working either. So hang out with some friends, do some hobbies, and you’re going to continue here…
No, you don’t need a new woman to forget the old relationship. You just need to find something new in general in your life so that you can forget the old relationship and you don’t have to actually even forget it. You should remember your relationship because there probably was some good parts there. It’s hurting of course, but that will always be with you. That’s always gonna stay inside of your heart. But all of that pain that’s currently simmering inside of you that can be replaced with positive emotions, positive memories, positive experiences and so clearly with a woman right now that’s not the way to go.
So instead, you should replace those negative memories with positive memories from friends, from a hobby, from a passion, from a business, from something that you’re excited about. So for example, me, you know, all of this experience in being stuck in Germany has been so traumatic for me because I basically lost my entire circle of friends. This has been the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me and so I’m about to record a lot of videos now probably for a month just so that I can actually enjoy Bali and I’m gonna go to the beach, I’m gonna surf, I’m gonna go to the waves, I’m just gonna have a good time, replace the negative memories with something really great and meet some people, socialize and it takes time. I actually didn’t feel very comfortable socializing in the first few days of being here because I don’t know anybody and so many things to figure out and you know it’s just very scary to start something new but you gotta take some baby steps.
Going On Dates After A Breakup: Dating When You’re Depressed & Feel Pressured To Be At Your Best
But obviously, no one will want me if I haven’t forgotten the old relationship. In a nutshell, I feel insecure about how I feel about myself, relationships, and in general, not knowing if there’s something that was wrong with me that made my last ex leave, which then will continue on in the new relationship. Going on dates like this doesn’t feel right. What do I do now? I can’t date like this. The few dates that I’ve had so far were anything but fun to me because the pressure that I feel is so huge. Thank you for your advice.
So I get it. You’re trying to figure out was there something that made her leave? Why did she leave? The thing is you said that this happened really quickly. This is a big problem with relationships when we have a breakup or rather when a breakup happens and you don’t expect that. It puts you in this emotional state that you’re trying to find closure but sometimes closure just can’t be found. You have to create that closure yourself. If your ex wants to give you closure that is fine. If she didn’t want to give you closure then you just gotta find the closure within you. And so the tough part is that if you keep on revolving in this circle you’re always going to tell yourself “I can’t find this closure unless I talk to my ex. I can’t find closure unless she tells me what was wrong with me“, but there was maybe nothing wrong with you. I have no idea exactly what went down but maybe it was not really about you. It could honestly even be about her right, so even though she is not into you anymore does that reason actually have something to do with you? Yes, no. I mean that’s a perspective. That’s a matter of perspective.
Maybe let’s say you are a very career-driven person and she didn’t like that. Does it necessarily mean that it’s bad to be career-driven? No, of course not as long as it has a healthy balance. So you just gotta get a little bit of perspective and there’s not that much wrong with you. What you should do is do it very casually, and move forward a little bit slower. Maybe Tinder right now is not the right thing for you at all. I think the problem is also that you have expectations about needing to please women because you’re thinking “Is she going to tell that I am still a mess like my last relationship or are these problems going to repeat in the next relationship?” But there’s no guarantee that this is going to happen. Who knows? You could have become a completely different person in the last six months, or you might be a completely different person in the next six months from now. Or maybe you’re going to meet a great woman, you’re going to start dating and you both help each other grow and so why won’t you worry about this?
That’s the thing. You actually said it yourself. You are applying way too much pressure on yourself. So my suggestion for you is to just stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you can’t date right now, dude, that is fine. Look, I don’t know how old you are but even if you would be 50 years old, I would still tell you take your time. Time isn’t running away from you. That’s something that we always tell ourselves that look, I gotta figure this out. I gotta move forward. I gotta let go. I gotta figure out how I get my life back on track and look, Rome wasn’t built in a day. So your healing also won’t happen in a day. So that is my advice for you. It takes time to heal and it also takes time to get that confidence back and over time you’re going to see that it comes back and it’s just like when I started this recording and I didn’t turn on the aircon and Bali is freaking hot!
And when I started I was like, oh, this is fine but I’m not sure if you can see it but slowly the sweat is dripping here. This is just way too hot in this country and you know sometimes you can’t see the effects of something until you make enough progress. Okay, my example here, this wasn’t progress but you get the idea. You might not even see that you’re improving right now because you’re just not yet at that tipping point where it doesn’t really affect you anymore. You could be away from that tipping point maybe just one month from now and a month from now. Everything is great and then you go on dates. You go on one date that’s great. You go on another date that’s great and you feel so confident again. So don’t beat yourself up that right now everything isn’t perfect yet. It’s gonna get there. Trust me. Trust the process. Trust yourself. That’s a big issue. You don’t trust yourself. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.