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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about how to get over heartbreak. How to get over your ex. What’s the right method? Rebounds? Just hooking up a lot? Not hooking up? What’s the right approach? So I have a situation from a guy who is in a quite tricky situation. They basically broke up because essentially it would have been a long-distance relationship and they didn’t want to make that work. He had to go abroad, or he is about to go abroad, and he’s heartbroken because he loves this woman but he made the tough call to say this is not going to work out. We’re not going to be happy with this. And I gotta first of all commend you already. That this is quite amazing. I know it doesn’t feel like that, but making these tough calls, it’s what a man has to do.
And for being able to make this tough call, to say “This is not making me happy. This is not going to make us happy,” it’s really painful and it’s no different than heartbreak from getting dumped. It’s maybe slightly different but still, it’s freaking painful. You love this woman but life just has other plans for you. And so making that tough call, it’s always difficult. And if you had to make a tough call with any of your relationships, well, maybe congratulations is not the right word, but you are an amazing king for making these tough calls, because it’s worse to be in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy and not making these tough goals, than actually making that tough call, then being in pain, but then moving forward with your life. So I know right now life is kind of hard and you have to deal with a lot of heartbreak, but sometimes you got to make tough decisions, and in the end, these tough decisions always turn out to be the right ones. Alright, so let’s see what he has to say.
Coping With A Breakup For Guys: How To Get Over Your First Heartbreak With A Girl You Loved Like Crazy
Hey coach, I am here to get your advice on how to deal with heartbreak. Recently, my first serious relationship ever came to an end. Now, I have to mention that I’m actually 29. So yes, I did have other relationships before that but this one was different. My ex-girlfriend Alissa and I, we were a couple for almost two years. Before that, the longest relationship I ever had was nine months. So this was on a new level for me. I know it’s not that long but still, I just fucking love this girl.
Yeah, that’s understandable. Honestly, fucking time doesn’t matter. You could love a girl like crazy after six months, or you could love a girl after two years, or it could also be only after three years. It doesn’t really matter when you say this relationship is really the shit. In the Philippines, where I used to live for a long time, they would probably say “This is it, Pancit!” It’s just a great relationship and it’s understandable that you fucking love her. And it’s so painful when you have to let go of that relationship. And so look, I think some people sometimes after a breakup, they listen to their friends and they’ll be like “Just move on or just accept that it’s over and forget it, and you haven’t been together for so long“… But whatever, man. Your feelings are your feelings. And so yeah, you’ve been in a long-term relationship for two years, and whether you felt that connection after a month or after a year, who cares. I just know that you loved her and so you should just be grateful that you had this great time with her.
New Beginning After A Breakup: Healing After Ending A Relationship With A Girl You Still Love
The breakup was so hard for me because it didn’t even happen because of something stupid like a fight, disagreements, or whatever. I just had to move to another country for my master’s thesis. Unfortunately, it was unavoidable, and eventually, as much as it hurt, we agreed to end our relationship. I am now set to move to Peru in three weeks to do some research on urban developmental studies in relation to disabled people, and a part of me doesn’t even want to, nor can I like this.
Yeah, so that sounds quite tricky. So you could tell I had a problem to just read this stuff. What is it? Developmental studies on urban development. So complicated shit… And it must have been really tough to make that call, and now you’re heartbroken. You don’t know how can you possibly move on like this. Now, the thing is, it’s really hard to gain perspective when you’re struck with so much uncertainty. You’re basically going to live in Peru, right? And you don’t know anybody there. You don’t know what to expect and so you’re probably too much in your head right now. You’re thinking everything’s gonna go wrong. And you’re thinking “There’s no way that I’m gonna be happy in Peru. There is no way that I can do my thesis there. There is no way that I can actually get my job done,” or your research, basically, right? You are very demotivated, and the problem is, right now you are in what’s called a hot state. So there are two states that people are in.
Either a cold state where we are very calm and we are pretty chill, basically, and then there’s hot, where we are angry, we are emotional, we are heartbroken, and when we’re in the cold state, we can’t predict how we are going to feel in the hot state, and what we’re going to do likewise when we’re in the hot state. We don’t know how we’re going to act if you would be in a cold state. And so you’re thinking right now, okay you’re so heartbroken, but you’re in your hot state. But you don’t actually know what’s going to happen. You could end up in Peru and after a month, just hypothetically, I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but after a month you are totally going to love it there. And as much as you’re still missing your ex, you did not expect how great Peru is going to be. And so maybe it’s going to be a lot easier than you actually think right now. So that’s just something to have some perspective. We are really bad at predicting the future. There are so many studies about biases, how humans are really bad at predicting how they’re going to feel in the future. We just suck at this. So that’s just something to keep in mind. Things could be much better than you think.
Talking To Your Ex After A Breakup: When You Can’t Find Peace After A Breakup And Want To Message Her
We love each other, but we knew that we couldn’t make a long-distance relationship work for 2+ years. So now I am stuck with this heartbreak, while I also have to move abroad soon. I just want to get over her and all the pain because every minute that passes I want to give in to the weakness and just talk to her and make an impulsive decision and ask her if we can make the long-distance relationship work. And I know that this can’t work. And even if it would, I don’t even have any idea if she would want it.
Yeah, so don’t give in to your weakness. This is not going to work out. You know that there is no way to sugarcoat this. You’re going to be at least for two years in Peru, right? Two years of long-distance is a really long time. And I guess you’re a student. So who knows if you can actually see each other? Look, if you could see each other… Like, you visit her once, she visits you once… Maybe every six months you swap who visits each other. Maybe that could work. But even then it’s really difficult. Six months to not seeing each other, that is quite difficult. And if you agree that it’s not gonna work out, then just stick to that decision right now. And so let’s see what my is my advice for you, but first, let’s see what you say.
Best Way To Move On After A Breakup: Does A Rebound Help To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend
So I’m hoping you have some suggestions on how I can get over her when she meant so much to me. I have been thinking if I should open dating apps once I arrive in Peru. A part of me just wants to meet someone new, but the other part kind of feels disgusted by the thought. I am not going to lie, my emotions are all over the place. I think of her constantly, then I feel lonely and want to go on dating apps and just talk to anyone.
No, I wouldn’t talk to anyone right now. Rebounds have shown that they can help you with your confidence, with your self-worth, but the thing is you actually don’t have a lack of self-worth, in a sense, because your relationship was fine. You just broke up because circumstances were wrong. Typically, the reason why couples break up is because they don’t love each other properly anymore, and then they feel like they’re not appreciated but that’s not the case here. So a rebound will not really help you with your self-worth. Now, I do certainly think though that meeting people is going to be helpful. Also, by the way, to mention something about dating apps…
Another reason why you shouldn’t do this is because it can feel incredibly lonely and right now, you’re already feeling lonely. So all of this swiping, and having no good conversations, or not meeting up can feel really difficult. Now, maybe you can get a lot of dates because I don’t know where you’re from but if you’re in Peru, you’re probably kind of exotic to the girls there. So they’re going to be into you but I don’t think this is going to help you with your heartbreak. Instead, it’s mostly just going to make it worse. I would instead focus on the things that you have to focus on, which is your studies. And you don’t know how much you’re going to like it there. I think it would be much better to just meet people there. Socialize. Not with dating apps. And look if maybe you meet some great people there. Have a lot of fun. And I’m not saying about sex or anything like that. Just meet some great people. Make some new friends. Maybe start some new hobbies. And then if you meet a woman there, then a rebound might be fine. Or maybe it can develop into something else. But I wouldn’t force it. Especially with a dating app.
Move On Strategies: Hitting The Gym After A Breakup Is A Great Way To Find Inner Peace After A Breakup
I tried staying focused on my upcoming plans. I also went for some runs to distract myself but nothing helps. I’m just a fucking mess right now. And I can’t move over there the way that I am right now. I need some help to get over Alyssa, or at the very least lower the pain until it becomes bearable. I assume there is no magic pill for this kind of problem but maybe you can give me some advice. Anyways, if you would land in Peru in three weeks after the worst heartbreak that you’ve ever felt in your life, what would you be doing?
Well, the first thing that I would do is, I would definitely not go running. Workout is really helpful, actually, but running is probably one of the worst things. Workout, hard workout, that really gets your blood pumping and your muscles working. Like weight training, basically, or Calisthenics. Something like that. That can really help because it activates something called u-opioids. It reduces the pain receptors in your brain, basically, and that makes it a little bit easier to deal with the heartbreak.
Also, on a side note, running doesn’t do that. And running, in general, is just pretty bad because I’m an avid runner. I love running, but whenever you’re running, you have so much time to think. When you’re in the gym, it’s much harder to think, because you’re just pumping like crazy. When you’re on a run, you’re relatively the same pace that’s kind of comfortable to you. And you’re constantly thinking about something. And I’ve gone through this in the past myself. I would run and I would feel good about myself. I had heartbreak myself and I thought about my ex all the time during those runs. And it was not really helpful, honestly. It just keeps you from moving forward. So what do I suggest for you? Yes, something… Workout, that is a little bit harder. But hitting the gym is very effective, for sure. I would also just try to some new hobbies.
Doesn’t Peru have a surf beach? I’m a surfer, so I always advocate for surfing. Surfing is great. I used to surf with heartbreak and there’s nothing better than just being in the ocean with your emotions. And it’s a bit different with surfing than with running. You’re just constantly cycling through your thoughts. But when you’re on a surfboard and you’re just on the ocean, there’s just something magical that happens. You still think about her but the water and the beauty, everything, it’s just very different. I think nature just really helps us with healing. So Peru must be a very beautiful place. Go out and explore the nature as well, for sure, and just make some new friends. I know that this is really going to take some time for you and it’s really difficult for you right now, but there yeah, there is no magic bullet. It takes time. But what helps is socializing, for sure.
If I would land in Peru, I would meet some people. Meet some people that I don’t know. I think Peru is probably amazing. This is actually one of those areas… South America is one of those areas that I just want to visit one of these days. It’s just very beautiful down there. And I think the people there are probably also really warm, and kind, and friendly. And yes, I do think that the women there are also incredible. So that’s why I said don’t go on dating apps. It’s gonna make you feel lonely. And you’re gonna feel like “Why the fuck am I even doing this?!“… But imagine if you meet some friends. You make some friends, maybe you know some college students there, maybe you’re gonna meet some college students there. I don’t know how it works. And then you’re gonna make some friends. And if at some point you’re gonna run into a woman who is kind of sweet, and even though you’re still kind of a little bit healing, you’re gonna like it. You’re gonna like talking to her. And you’re gonna feel comfortable around her. And you’re gonna be able to move forward with life.
I would not force anything to move on. I know that you feel like you have to right now, because you’re like there’s a deadline. “In three weeks I’m gonna move there and shit! I can’t fucking do this!“… But trust me, once you land there, you got a completely different perspective because you’re going to build in a way start, a new life there. I guess you’re going to go back to the US, but you never know… Maybe you like it there and you’re going to have a strong social circle and you’re going to want to work there. Who knows? So you never know what’s going to happen in a few years from now! When I got stuck during COVID in Germany for two years and basically my entire life got ripped out of me, everything was just so fucked and I was so depressed. And I wanted to be back in the Philippines so badly! And now I’m living in Bali and I actually could have gone back to the Philippines but I was just tired and I was like… Nah! Okay, I’m gonna make a new start! Two years waiting, and so much heartbreak, and depression, and disappointments, and now I’m here! And I love it way more than the Philippines. It’s just really great and so you never know what’s gonna happen, dude.
And sometimes, making that first step to move forward, and even if it’s painful, that’s what helps you to grow and to become a better man. Stronger. And also just to learn something. Sometimes we gotta let go of things that really are painful. And it’s okay… I don’t know what happened recently… But this was so painful for me. The decision to leave the Philippines behind and just make a new start in Bali and for the last few weeks I didn’t give a shit, to be honest, but then somehow, something made me remember it and made me remember all that pain and all that trauma basically. And it was so painful. I literally teared up, which is weird, because I’m actually happy here. Trauma and heartbreak takes time to heal and some of it always stays with you. So these memories that I have, for example, of all my friends, and everything, and the people, the women that I dated there, everything that I built, that’s always going to be kind of buried within me to some extent. But at the same time I’m loving Bali now.
So you’re going to love Peru and you’re probably also going to meet people that you love. So it’s hard to imagine that you’re going to have a great life in the future, but I think you just need to give yourself some time. Trust me. I’ve gone through this exercise in the last two years to learn to move on and let go. It’s not easy, but once you actually let go and you make that move, life can be amazing! So just take your time! I don’t think you should do a rebound. Also don’t do hookups. Just make friends. And maybe over time, you’re also gonna meet a nice girl in person, and who knows, maybe if you go back to the US or wherever you are… In two years from now, you can rekindle with your ex. You never know! So just say this chapter is over right now. You made the right call. This was definitely the right decision. So I wish you all the best there. The weather there is probably the same as in Bali. Always freaking perfect. So right now, I know you can’t believe that, but you’re going to enjoy your time there long-term. Maybe not in the first weeks. Maybe not in the first month or two, but eventually, you’re gonna settle there, and you’re gonna meet amazing people, and you’re gonna love it, and you’re gonna explore. So that’s my advice for you. Take it easy. Take it slowly. There are no secret hacks. Definitely hit the gym. That’s gonna help you. And if you can go surfing, for sure. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.