Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about getting an ex back. Particularly about letting her go and rejecting her to get her back. You might be thinking “Wait what?! Reject your ex?!” and I’m not talking about rejecting her on purpose, and being mean, and saying “No I don’t want you” Some coaches might suggest doing something like this, which is very manipulative. And they suggest doing this because of a principle called Reactance. Basically, humans don’t like to be told what they can’t do. So if you reject an ex and say “No, I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to be together with you,” you’re basically manipulating her into wanting to be with you. It’s reverse psychology in a way. But I don’t like this approach. I like the Reactance principle, but I don’t like this principle in the sense of doing it just to manipulate your ex. To get her back. That’s not the way to go.
What I mean with rejecting her is all about basically not wanting her anymore and showing her that you don’t need her anymore. So when you are broken up with your ex, most likely it’s you who wants her back. She doesn’t want you back. There’s a power imbalance. She has all the power and you basically have no power. You have to wait for her to want you back. And so if you no longer need her, if you no longer want her, or at least if you’ve been able to let go of her, she will tell that the power balance is now the same.
Basically, you both hold equal power and the reason why that is, is because well, basically, your ex no longer holds power over you. You just go on with your life. You don’t really care anymore. You both are the same. And so you could date another woman, she could date another man, but that also means that she could lose you. So basically, she’s no longer in control of what is going to happen between you and another woman. So that way she is going to be interested in you again because she knows any minute you could disappear.
Hey coach Andy, I am at a little bit of a crossroad with my ex-girlfriend and I hope you can give me some advice on what I do next. To give you the backstory of our breakup, it was a very standard breakup, or at least I think so. My girlfriend and I broke up over some jealousy issues and admittedly me paying too much attention to some girl who liked me. Nothing happened between us but yeah, I fucked this one up by not being clear on having a girlfriend and keeping my distance. So my ex was understandably very angry and even though I didn’t cheat and only was friendly with this girl who was into me, it was impossible to stop her from breaking up with me.
Yeah, so this reminds me of a situation that I had many, many years ago. You might be wondering why is a girl so upset, why is your girlfriend’s so upset if you’re talking to another woman. The thing that you have to understand about exes or your girlfriend, or women in general, they are very tuned into relationships. They know what’s going on. Social cues! So if some guy is talking to them, they know that person is hitting on them, and they have clear boundaries. They will very quickly say “I have a boyfriend” unless she’s basically a cheater. And so your girlfriend, she expects the same from you.
And so if you’re talking to a girl, even if you don’t have any bad intentions, she might read this as a very negative thing. But also, of course, a lot of guys, they will talk to a girl because they’re doing emotional cheating, basically. I had this situation a few years ago where I was out partying with an ex of mine and this was on Siargao island, which is essentially the Bali of the Philippines, where there’s lots of parties. And I was walking through this huge crowd of people basically on a party and my ex-girlfriend she was ahead of me, walking towards the bar, and then some chick basically hit on me and I didn’t really know what was going on. I was just very codependent back then. I didn’t have any game with women and so I was just trying to be polite with this woman who was talking to me and I didn’t really know how to say “Hey, I gotta go over here to the bar,” and she just kept on talking to me and kept on rambling, and rambling, and I actually wanted to see my girlfriend but then my girlfriend came back and she was super furious and said I’m an asshole and I was just like “what is happening?!” and what happened was that she was angry because she didn’t realize that I wasn’t trying to flirt with this woman.
I just got hit on by this woman and then I was codependent, I didn’t know how to say “Hey I gotta go,” and well, women care about this stuff. If they see you talking to another woman, dude, you got to be careful about this stuff! And if you don’t realize that another woman is hitting on you because she’s talking to you and she’s very friendly, of course, maybe sometimes a woman is just friendly, but you gotta be careful with this stuff. So of course, his ex was very furious about it and she was like “you’re cheating on me,” basically, and apparently, they broke up. I don’t know what else happened there and how serious all of this was but that’s what happened.
I really tried so damn hard to change her mind and then I did lots of dumb shit. Of course, I lacked a lot of dignity and self-respect and begged for her attention for her to take me back way, way, way too much. After this happened I really felt embarrassed for making such a fool of myself and eventually, after I calmed down, I finally reflected on my actions and that it was impossible to change her mind.
So he’s actually doing something good. He’s realizing that he’s been a simp. That it was very embarrassing, the way that he’s been begging. What a lot of guys, especially younger guys don’t realize is that this is not sexy. This is not attractive. This is not what a woman wants. And a lot of guys who are very inexperienced, they think they need to please women. They need to be the knight in shining armor. They need to be the prince. They need to be picture-perfect. And begging and pleading is a part of that. It’s like… Look! I’m showing you how much I love you! But that’s not what’s sexy to a woman. A woman wants to see that you’re confidently saying “Look, I made a mistake. I’m really, really sorry. Let me fix this. Here’s what I did wrong. I acknowledge all my mistakes. Let’s fix it. Let’s talk about this“… and that’s it!
Or well, first of all, good job on recognizing this was not the way to go and feeling embarrassed about. It’s actually important to recognize that you really messed up with your behavior.
I finally reflected on my actions and that it was impossible to change her mind. What’s done is done. I decided that the best way to move forward was to go no contact and leave it in her hands and let me know if she wanted to give me another chance since I had already apologized so much without any success. And it’s not like I could undo more of the mistakes. I get that I should have had clear boundaries with that girl but I can’t change my mistakes from the past.
Good job! So he’s accepting “Look, I fucked up. I can’t really undo this. I said I’m sorry. I know now that I shouldn’t have talked to this girl but what am I gonna do?” and some guys make the mistake that instead of moving on & letting go, what they do is they ruminate about this mistake forever. They just sit there and sit there and sit there. And they think about this non-stop, instead of just accepting what they’ve done, reflect on it, maybe journal a little bit, write a little bit about it, write your thoughts on paper, and have them there on black and white. “This is an account of what happened. I gotta change some of my things. I learned a lesson.” That’s it. Moving forward. That’s what kings do, and men who still have to learn to become stronger, they just sit there and they look at this non-stop and they’re basically blaming themselves non-stop, and they’re trying to tell themselves that they’re not worthy, and that they’re not good enough.
Everybody makes mistakes. That’s part of life. That’s part of the game. That’s part of dating. And nobody’s born perfect. And certainly, we all need to learn from our mistakes in dating. That’s just how it is. Nobody just knows perfectly how to have a healthy relationship. That’s just the reality. And so he’s done a good job of just accepting his mistakes and saying “I can’t do anything about it anymore. I’m not gonna beg“… He’s moving forward and this is now where it gets good. We’re gonna see that his ex starts to respond to his no contact, to the fact that he’s no longer desperately trying to get her back. Essentially, his inaction is what is drawing her to him.
Our breakup has been seven months ago and the reason why I’m writing you now is that I’m confused with my ex. In the last month, my ex messaged me for the first time since talking to her a few months ago. The last time she messaged me was roughly three months after our breakup. Back then, we caught up a little bit. It was her who got in touch with me, actually. And I found out from her that she started dating someone else.
So I think she was poking. She was probably in a rebound and she was not sure about this rebound. Most likely. Maybe it wasn’t serious at all. Maybe she wasn’t even dating him. Who knows. But she was basically curious, because otherwise, why would she message you? She probably hadn’t heard from you for a while. She was thinking “Should I date? I still miss him and for some reason, he’s no longer begging. Did he find someone else? What is happening there? Let me first double-check before I continue dating this new guy who I’m not even sure about“… And now I want you to pay close attention. The next paragraph is basically his rejection. It’s not like he’s actively rejecting her and telling her “I don’t want to be with you,” or something like this, but he’s basically throwing out a signal that he’s okay with her being with another guy.
I was very shocked by that revelation and it really gave me a mini heart attack.
So you can see he’s actually impacted by this. His heart is fluttering and he didn’t expect this. It probably hurts to know that she’s dating someone else. So he’s probably anxious. If you would hear this in real-time in front of her face, he probably wouldn’t know how to respond to it, but of course, if it is through messenger it’s easier to respond to this.
I had a mini heart attack but I also realized that it was expected that she might date someone else after what had happened. And so I told her back then I am really sorry how things ended but I am glad that you found someone. It is okay, don’t worry. I am okay now and I am happy for you. I wish you two all the best. I tried to be as polite as possible and not be emotional with her about it.
So he’s very stoic. He basically acknowledges to himself “I was kind of crazy back then. I’ve been begging too much. I’m really happy for you. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The way that I’ve been begging before, that was just not me. I was emotional. It’s cool. You know what? I will always love you and I’m really glad for you that you found someone.”
So that in a way shows her oh! He moved on! He’s rejecting her! She’s basically poking. I don’t know if he knows that she was poking and that she was probably trying to figure out what was going on, but basically, he’s just trying to be polite. No drama. And he’s like “I moved on, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” So that, in a way, is a very, very subtle rejection. It’s not like he’s saying “I don’t want to be with you. I never wanna be with you ever again.” But he’s basically not saying “We gotta be in a relationship“…
“I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’m really happy for you,” and she probably did not expect that. So that in a way is rejection for her because a part of her probably hoped that he was still hung up on her. She wanted to get some validation. She wanted to know that he still cares about her. And of course, he still does, but now she’s not sure.
“Does he care about me? What does that mean you’re happy for me? Three months ago you were crazy and you didn’t want to lose me! Now, all of a sudden you’re done? It’s fine? You’re okay with it?”
So she didn’t expect that. She didn’t expect that you could move on so fast and so that feels like rejection to her and women don’t go through rejection very often because they have many choices. So if it happens to her it really has a strong impact on her. So now let’s see where it goes. This is where it gets good.
Anyway, I didn’t hear from her for a while, but three weeks ago she messaged me more than once, actually, and I don’t know what’s up. I am having the feeling that she broke up with the guy she was dating but I didn’t ask. All I know is that she’s messaging me all by herself. So what do I do now? I guess asking her out would be weird if she’s still with the new guy. It could be I am just telling myself whatever I want to hear, right? What would you suggest?
Well, it could be that she’s still with that guy and that he’s still in the picture and they’re still not serious, or maybe there’s a new guy that she’s been dating, another rebound. Could be. But I have a feeling she’s probably done with that guy, even if not nothing serious must be going on, she wouldn’t be messaging you if she would be happy. So clearly, it’s in your favor. What I would do if you’re already starting to talk and she’s messaging you multiple times, then just say “Hey, you want to meet up?” and then there’s most likely two things that are going to happen: She’s either going to say yes, or she will say hey, I’m sorry. I’m still dating this new guy. And then if that happens, what then? I would actually even call her out and say “Wait… If you’re still dating this new guy, why are you reaching out to me? Why are you talking to me? Do you think that’s the right thing? I mean, you were jealous with me about some other chick. So if you’re now talking to me while you have some guy, don’t you think that’s kind of the same thing that I did to you?“
I’m not saying that this is the case but it’s a good way to have a comeback if she’s actually still seeing some guy. Then show her that you’re not afraid to actually call her out and say “Hey, what is going on? This is not cool! If I would have done this, you would have been mad, so just saying…” and that’s all you have to do. You have to ask her out on a date. I think that she probably realized that you’ve moved on. You said this somewhere earlier that you learned to live without her. Basically, she knows that now. She knows that you are okay. Maybe you’re not dating yet. She doesn’t really know what’s going on there but the fact is that very soon, eventually, you’re gonna find another woman.
She doesn’t know when that will be. You don’t know with whom. She doesn’t know how great that woman will be, but there’s always a risk that she’s going to lose you. So what you have to do is, basically, just ask her ask her about hanging out. Ask her about spending time with you. You could also ask her about this guy, but I wouldn’t do this because if you ask, it basically signals to her that you still are invested. And then the power balance shifts again. Right now, the power balance is really good. It’s equal, if not you even having more power, which is just the complete opposite from you begging. She had so much power. You had no power. Then it equalized. It became even again. Now I think you even have more power than she does. So that’s a great starting point to get back together.
So all you have to do is go on dates, then you’re probably going to find out that she’s not seeing anyone anymore. You already apologized for your mistakes. You already showed her that you’ve gained your strength and your confidence back. So now you just have to prove to her that this is actually a permanent thing. It’s not a temporary thing. If you go on dates again, you’re not gonna become insecure, you’re not going to become needy, weak, anything like this. You already reconciled your mistakes and she knows that. You are a king. It’s all about unleashing the king within.
This guy is a good example of a man who focuses on himself less than his ex. He recognized that he made some mistakes. He probably made an account of it and looked at “This is the stuff that I did wrong. Why did I fucking do this?!” and then he’s like “Fuck! Why did I do that? That was stupid but at the same time it was a good lesson. Let me not repeat this. I’m a king. I always want to be at my best,” and then he moves forward. That is very attractive. So good job. Now just ask her out on a date. She’s been messaging you multiple times. She basically messaged you at least three times.
So it shows you that she’s really into you, or at least, she’s really curious. I think she’s probably regretting that she broke up. Maybe she made this decision a little bit impulsively because if I listen to what you told me about how the breakup happened, I think she was a little bit too emotional about the whole thing. She could have just acknowledged that you made a small mistake there and you could have learned “Okay, I shouldn’t talk to girls and I should tell you about this stuff,” and she could have just realized that you’re maybe not so socially aware of women hitting on you.
That would have been that. So I think she’s coming around. Set up a new date and I think you’re on the best way to get your ex back. And so I’m just going to wrap up this video again by saying send me an email if you need help because as I said I’m pre-recording many, many videos because I’m off to Bali very soon. So I want to make sure I have enough content for you while I am transitioning to a new home. Alright, so I hope this was helpful. I hope you liked the video. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, comment, of course, what do you think about this, and never forget to unleash the king within.