Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to reconquer your ex. However, at first I was kind of torn of how do I actually call this video. Do I make it about reconquering your ex? Because I have an example of a guy who is basically very attractive again to his ex and she essentially, I guess you could say, wants him back, at the same time, he’s wondering, is it actually a good idea? So his scenario is a great example of, you gotta work on yourself, become happy, and even if you fucked up, you work on yourself, and she will probably then eventually become attracted to you because you are attractive, and that’s how you reconquer your ex. Then the question is, do you still want her back? The reality is sometimes you’re not really sure about this.
You probably can’t think about this right now. You’re probably thinking, okay, I want her back so badly, but if you do the work on yourself, she will come back and you actually have to think twice about do you get back together or not? Does it make sense? Are we gonna work out or not? Or maybe I should just stay single or date another woman. So let’s see. So this is a great case scenario of a guy who has been working really hard on himself. He was basically not very attractive in front of the eyes of his ex, and he kept on doing the work, and now he’s super attractive, which means he can also have other women. So let’s see, what is my advice?
Complacency in Relationships: Not Keeping Yourself in Peak Shape is a Relationship Death by a 1000 Cuts
Hey coach, my name’s Mike, and I have a question about no contact and getting back with an ex. I know this is maybe a little unusual, but I’m actually questioning whether my ex and I should get back together. I’m doing really good right now, and she’s currently paying a lot of attention to me, but I want to make sure that my chances for the relationship to work out in the long run are high enough. So maybe I should give you some context first about myself and also my ex-girlfriend. I was devastated like crazy after my ex-girlfriend left me. I was not a very successful guy back then. I wasn’t very attractive, I didn’t have a good job, and I was just generally struggling to find my purpose and my place in the world. I was a very insecure guy back then, much more than I am now.
This was something that I unfortunately often would project onto my ex and into the relationship. I was not always feeling very confident about small things, not just about my ex, but also how others perceived me when I was with her, or other things like jealousy issues. It wasn’t awful, I would say, but I was anything but perfect with my insecurities. Eventually, she left me, it wasn’t necessarily that it was like one big insecurity that led to the breakup. She just wasn’t attracted to me any longer. She said she was no longer sure about us, I’m pretty sure I know what was going on. Back then I didn’t understand it, but looking back I am certain she lost confidence and attraction for my lack of masculinity and my lack of certainty.
Yeah, for sure that’s definitely what is going on here. That’s pretty normal, any woman will act that way. Sometimes you see this saying in the Red Pill community, “she was never yours, it was only your turn.” But the reality is any person acts that way. That’s women and men. Yes, women are a little bit more focused on the value that you provide as a man. With men we don’t care. If she’s hot and if she’s easy to be around with and the sex is great, we’re basically sold and we’re ready to marry the woman. We’re a bit more simple this way. That’s true. But ultimately, if you have a laptop for example and the laptop pisses you off in the beginning, it’s fine but then stuff breaks very quickly after maybe like a few months and you keep on working with a shitty laptop, you’re gonna dump the laptop. You’re literally going to dump the laptop because it doesn’t fucking work. You’re gonna try to repair it but then after a while, if you’re just not happy with that thing, you’re gonna dump it. Same thing, any kind of service, any kind of friendship, anything that you’re not happy with after a while, you’re going to dump it.
So clearly, you did not make her happy. Now that said, I think women have different spectrums. Some women can just not tolerate anything in a man. Other women can tolerate it when you’re not at your best, when you’re struggling. They will love you because they see the potential in you and they are willing to sometimes make some sacrifices or have not the perfect relationship for the possibility that in the future, things will work out and you will have a great life together. Now that doesn’t mean that you can just be a lazy fuck forever. Clearly, you were basically not at your best and she was definitely feeling it. It’s natural that at some point a woman will leave. You just gotta ask yourself, how bad was it actually? How bad were you? How unattractive were you? How complacent were you? How bad was your job? How insecure were you? You mentioned that you lack confidence in the sense of, what did you say? How people perceived you when you were with her. So you probably compared yourself to other people. So it sounds pretty bad to me, I suppose. It sounds like you really overthought a lot. Sure that would put her to the brink eventually of breaking up.
Only you know how bad it was really. It sounds kind of reasonable for her to dump you. You just gotta recognize if a woman is ready to dump you when you’re not at your best, you gotta see how far can you push it. In your case, it sounds pretty reasonable for her to leave you. In another case, if perhaps you wouldn’t have fucked up so much and the woman would have just left you very early, I would have said never get back with this woman, she doesn’t appreciate you. And if you have just a small problem here or there, she’s gonna dump you. Yes, there are these kind of women that maybe more what’s red pillers talk about. And this is the kind of woman that you should just stay away from. But a woman who goes out of her way to say she sticks around for a long time until she can no longer take it. That’s actually a good woman. And sometimes it’s really just your fault.
So I think it was probably your fault, but you gotta draw the line here, see how bad was it really, ask yourself, how insecure were you? Was it reasonable for her to leave you? And ultimately you gotta be prepared if you roughly reached that same stage of not being at your best there’s gonna be problems again. Now that doesn’t mean that she’s just gonna dump you right away, right? If you at some point maybe have some bad thing happening in your life, it’s not that she’s going to dump you right away, right? It’s gonna take some time. And if you don’t get out of that, if you don’t pull yourself up, maybe at some point she will get tired again and dump you again. So you gotta be prepared for that. And you gotta ask yourself, are you okay with that? Anyways, with that said, let’s continue.
Ex Girlfriend Reattraction Mindset: Winning your Ex Girlfriend Back Starts with an Alpha Male Mindset
Now after a while I found out that she was dating another guy who was more Alpha-ish than me, which made me feel even worse. Back then I was a timid small guy and the guy she was dating was twice my size. Not in body size obviously, but just in general with his build / muscles. This just made me more insecure and it hurt like crazy. But that pain massively changed me.
Nice, that’s exactly what I want for you guys. When you have that pain, that breakup pain, you transform, that’s why I called my program, PhoenEx. Rice like the Phoenix From The Ashes. It is about an ex, but it’s more about yourself. Just become really confident and be like, fuck this shit, I don’t care. I’m gonna do my best with or without her. And if she doesn’t come back, that’s fine. At least I’ve worked on myself and I’m happy again. So you did the right thing here to use that pain as a catalyst to rise like the Phoenix from the ashes.
I got very, very angry with the breakup. Not really at her, but more at myself. Man, my emotions were on fire back then. I still remember that one night I drove a motorbike super fast and honestly, looking back, I was crazy. My anger was so nuts. I was driving like a madman, like I was looking to die, which I, by the way, don’t recommend to any guy watching this, no matter how much pain you’re going through, things will get better as long as you maintain self control and focus on yourself.
That’s correct, when you have a breakup, it feels like everything has fallen apart and you can’t live anymore, especially probably the first really meaningful breakup where you truly cared and loved for a woman, especially if it’s been going on for quite some time, one, two, three years, maybe longer, it just tears you apart when you lose that woman. But things do get better, it’s just that it takes time. And so you gotta focus on yourself and give yourself the time, the time, the space and time. You know, if you think about it, space and time is not just to give it to your ex, for yourself to heal. So you did the right thing, you had some self control and you tried to use that pain to transform yourself. So good job so far, obviously the thing with the bike and doing crazy shit, don’t do that guys. I know you are hurting a lot, but no matter how much you’re hurting, don’t do crazy shit, don’t do risky stuff, don’t hurt yourself, don’t drink or get excessively drunk, don’t do crazy drugs or whatever, just don’t do it. Use that negative pain and transform yourself. So he, I think, caught himself relatively quickly, that’s the same thing that you need to do and transform that into positive energy. So let’s continue.
Make your Ex Girlfriend want you Back: Winning your Ex Girlfriend Back is the Result of Winning in Life
Which leads me to my point actually. Out of my anger and even a little bit of spite towards my ex dating another guy, I decided to go no contact and focus on improving my life. I still wanted her back, I loved her so much, but my motivation was for her to see how I’m so much better than any guy she would ever meet. I wanted to prove her wrong.
Yes, that’s the mindset you need to have. You’re the best guy, now you don’t need to make it about her, but just, whether she comes back or not, you will just feel so good about yourself because you are the best dude she could have ever met. And when you feel like that, and when she actually realizes that, man, it feels really damn good. Whether you want her back or not, you feel really good about yourself. So you wanted to prove her wrong, and you say:
I started hitting the gym regularly, eating healthier and working on my career. I wanted to get out of my underpaid sales job that I hated, so I did a coding bootcamp in the evening, which I finished, and I’m now already on my second programming job, which pays way better than my sales job, and maybe I can even go travel soon because of it. I’m just still not sure about it because I don’t want to leave my mom all alone ’cause my dad died a few years back.
Nice dude, you got a good life. Make sure that you use that added income sometimes to have some fun. You don’t have to go traveling like crazy. It’s actually good that you want to take care of your mom. Makes sense, she’s alone without your dad. But you can go on a vacation maybe every now and then. I have this godmother, she has a lot of money. She’s not a nomad. You could maybe call me a nomad. I live in Indonesia now, I live abroad. So I decided to basically take the leap and just move somewhere else, but for example, my godmother, she has a lot of money and she goes on vacation like, I don’t know, four times a year, maybe for two weeks, three weeks. She got a good life. You can do something like that. You don’t have to go travel and abandon your mom, but you can have some fun. You are in a good spot, so use that to also have some fun. You’ve worked hard, so reward yourself a little bit.
Anyway, I also am pursuing my hobbies more seriously and recently released my own first finger style composition on SoundCloud. My life started to improve in many areas, kind of originally motivated out of revenge / wanting my ex back desperately. But at some point, my habits and new goals became automatic and I mostly stopped doing these things because of my ex. It’s just because I found new confidence and interests. And then out of nowhere, my ex has messaged me again. It’s been a bit more than a year since the breakup. At first, I ignored her message because I wasn’t really sure what to say because she wrote me a longish message of apology about how she is sorry that we haven’t talked for so long and that she felt sorry about the breakup.
So now she has the breakup regret. She can probably see that you’ve worked on yourself. And yeah, she misses you. Probably the guy that she was dating hasn’t been working out and look at you, you’re fit, you’re having a lot more money, you’re having great hobbies, you probably look really happy on social media and she can’t fail to notice that. She probably did not do that amount of work because you had all that pain, right? You were like, fuck man, I don’t wanna go through this. You had a little bit of spite. You wanted to show her that you’re amazing. So you probably worked five times more than she worked on herself. So now you’re an absolute beast, you’re an absolute monster. That’s what I want for you. You Rose like the Phoenix from the ashes. Now she wants you back, but let’s see what you say about that.
How to Successfully Get Back Together: Become so Attractive that your ex Girlfriend CAN’T Ignore You
After a few days, I did reply. And now she’s messaging me frequently. She is acting like she’s interested in getting back together and a part of me wants to give it another shot. Even now, I still have feelings for her and honestly, those feelings of wanting to make her see I was better than that guy is still there. Hearing from her felt great. She must have dumped that guy. It gave me some validation that I’m not such a bad guy as I thought I was.
Yeah, you’re not a bad guy. I guess I gotta say one thing. Look, we all struggle in life. Yes, sometimes a woman will dump you because you’re struggling. That doesn’t mean that you’re a bad guy. And even if you’re struggling with your job or you’re not fit or something like that, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you a person that maybe didn’t know better yet. Maybe you’ve never been fit in your life. Maybe you haven’t had the breakthrough with your career yet. Maybe you’re codependent. You had to learn that you can find better jobs and so on and so forth. That doesn’t mean that you’re a bad dude. You’re just an inexperienced dude who still needs to learn. And like I said, a great woman wants to learn with you.
A great woman can see that potential and she’s happy to be there along the path. Now you can push it too far obviously, but it’s a mix. It’s a balancing act. So recognize that you’re not a bad guy and actually when you’re with a really good woman, and she dumps you because of that. She’s not happy. She will never make you feel like you’re a bad guy. Most likely it’s just you who thinks that you’re a bad guy, but you’re not a bad guy. And clearly now you can see that she’s into you. So you are definitely a good guy and everybody who’s watching this. You’re not a bad guy for getting dumped. You just had to learn a few things here or there. And then a woman will see that you are a really great guy, either your ex or another woman.
But the rational part of me kind of knows that she’s back because she is just interested in me because of my newfound success. I look better. I got options now in terms of dating. Everything is better. I noticed how no contact works and I’m not ignoring the possibility to get back together, but I’m now at a crossroads where I need to make a decision. Right now I’m taking things slow with her and I’m trying to see how she acts. I’m not chasing her and I want her to show me that she really cares about me. She broke my heart. So I want her to go out of her way to win me back, not the other way around because I’m past that. I’m a much better guy. What I want to know is what the odds are that if I give us another chance, that things will work out?
I could easily date another woman, although I don’t have one in particular in mind right now that I’m actively pursuing. So if we get back together, what’s the probability that we can be happy again? And more importantly, if we set some ground rules like this never happening again. I feel like she left me when I wasn’t making her happy because I wasn’t at my best. So obviously, what if I’m not at my best again? What if something bad happens to me, right? What is your take on the situation? How do I make up my mind what the right thing is moving forward? I don’t think my ex is a bad person and she apologized. Still, considering that I’m at my peak performance right now, I am well aware that I could date another gorgeous girl if I want to. I appreciate the thoughts. Greetings, Mike.
Well, you know what? I would probably consider one thing that’s really important. How hot is she? Because if you are really at your peak performance, like you say, you’re at your maximum. That means you can have a really great woman. Now that woman, you gotta be careful as well that she doesn’t just take it because of your peak performance. You need to be with a really great woman who appreciates the value that you provide in the peak performance, but also she sees the good in you and she really cares about you. There are women who are just super superficial and they only care about the value that you provide. And then there are women who really appreciate the value that you provide and they will give you something in return. They really appreciate you and they really love you. They really fall in love with you. That’s the kind of woman that you want. So I would probably ask myself, how far is my ex from that dream woman that I actually want?
Maybe, actually I think it’s probably likely that you can have a better woman than your ex. Now you probably had a great time with your ex and yes, you can probably make it work out. If you get back together and you make sure that you have healthy reconnection rituals, then for example, when things go wrong, you address them relatively early. Like for example, when you get out of shape, when she gets out of shape, when she no longer takes care of herself, when she no longer looks sexy, when you’re losing your job or you’re slacking off or whatever. If you are neglecting her because you’re too stressed with coding, for example, coding jobs are very stressful. You gotta address these things early and it will likely work out. I think pretty clearly that’s the case. Now the problem is, now you obviously have to ask yourself, where is her threshold for how low can you go and how long can you go low? Ask yourself, is she a good woman or is she basically not very forgiving? It sounds to me that she’s a pretty good woman. So I would probably ease into it, date her a little bit, meet up with her, see how it goes, how do you feel about it. At the same time, I would also be open to dating other women. Maybe look around a little bit because I said, how hot is she? If she is not that hot and you are at your peak, your value just skyrocketed, right?
And there are also really hot women who can make you happy, but also you gotta be careful with that. Hot women tend to be very crazy. So if your ex is reasonably hot, you find her sexy and you don’t have to look elsewhere, then I would probably give it another shot. But like I said, go slow with it because you don’t wanna get into something where you can see that she’s not fully committed to you and she’s only back because it didn’t work out for some other guy and she doesn’t really love you. She just loves the value that you provide. Like I said, you want the woman who appreciates the value but also loves you. Only you know if she is that kind of woman. Some people will probably say, no, she’s just back because the value that you provide and yeah, I know she doesn’t give a shit about you. But the reality is almost every woman will act that way. And when you get your shit back together, when you fix yourself, she will come back, she will forgive you for your flaws and she will give it another shot if you don’t mess it up. So you gotta draw the line here, how nurturing is she? If she’s really nurturing, she really nurturing. Do you think she would be a good mom and is she really sexy? Then give it another shot.
Otherwise, do just wait around and find yourself a really great sexy woman who has those qualities as well. There are hot women who can be super nurturing. You can probably get a much younger girl than your ex right now because you’re really attractive to all women. So think about that as well. So I want to congratulate you on actually working on yourself and being so happy with your life. That’s the right way to go. And either way it goes, whether you get back with your ex, the thing is if you are not at your best and you know, things don’t work out, you will dump her really quickly and you will be at your best really quickly. You know, so even if you make the wrong choice here, I know that you can get back up again. But obviously, best case, you make the right choice from the start. So, see how does it feel with your ex, but I think also at parallel date another woman. Go on some dates. If you say that you haven’t had any prospects right now, do it, try it. See where you can take it and you might be surprised what of a gorgeous woman you can date.
