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How To Stop Being Shy? How To Approach A Girl At A Bar?

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about finding the confidence to talk to women at a bar, walking over to them. What do you do in a club? And this is for shy guys. If you don’t know how to talk to women, especially if you’re young, maybe if you’ve never had a girlfriend, then this video is for you. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I’ve been very shy to talk to women in bars until I’ve been roughly 27 years old. That’s when I started to develop game, it’s when I started to develop myself. But it really takes time. It takes practice. And it takes a willingness to open your mind to different approaches. And different mindsets, most importantly. So I have a message from a guy who is relatively young. He’s 22 years old and he’s been single since birth and he has problems. So let’s get into his message.

Think Like An Alpha Male: Talking To Girls Gets Easier As Long As You Keep Practicing

Hi coach, I need your help with my dating insecurities. I struggle so much with talking to women. I’ve been single since birth now for 22 years and I’m slowly starting to wonder if I’ll be forever alone.

Nope, you’re not gonna be forever alone, as long as you don’t embrace that mindset. I had this YouTube short a few weeks ago that was about how to get more matches on Tinder and it’s a very simple concept. You basically just have to super like a lot of women. You pay for the premium features, then you get seen by more women, and some of them will like you. Some of them will not like you but because you get seen by more women, then you’re gonna have more matches. And then a few days ago, I had a comment by some guy that sounded very red pill-ish or black pill-ish… Typical “it’s over for anybody who’s below average” and basically like “don’t even try to date” … That’s the mindset.

If you embrace that mindset, like “I have no chance because I’m not hot enough“… Well, yeah bullshit, if you don’t try, then you’re not gonna succeed with dating. That’s just how it is. Stop being a whiny bitch. Stop complaining about “I’m not attractive enough,” or “I don’t have game,” “I don’t look good enough,” “I don’t have enough money“… Yeah, fuck it man. If you don’t have enough money, then work on making more money. If you don’t have enough game, then work on your charisma and how to talk to women. If you don’t look good enough, then hit the gym, or get a haircut, or whatever man. There are no excuses for failing in life and for failing in dating.

Man, everything in life is a competition and if you want to get results in life, it’s not just for dating, you actually gotta fucking do something for it. And if you tell yourself “No, I can’t do this because I don’t look good enough” Well, that’s the result that you’re gonna get in life. And so are you gonna be forever alone?! Only if you tell yourself that.

Be Less Shy Around A Girl You Like: Every Man Can Become Confident With Women

Look, I had no fucking game until I was 27, and then I read one relationship book after another and I read every fucking relationship study that… Well, not every study. There are a lot of studies. But I read a lot of very important studies and I learned how all of this shit works and look! Now I give advice about this on the internet.

So I went from being a hopeless case, a forever-alone kind of guy… I wasn’t forever alone, I had some girlfriends, but not great relationships, and look at me now. Everybody can change. And if you tell yourself that you can’t change, that’s when you’re going to be forever alone. It’s about putting the hard work into it for the results that you want to get in life. And nothing happens overnight. Actually, I think dating success and dating skills develop much faster than other things in life. For example, this YouTube channel. I’ve been doing this for a long time. Everybody knows who starts a YouTube channel, it takes about a year, to 18 months, to two years to start a new YouTube channel and reach even just 1000 subscribers. It takes a lot of grit a lot of perseverance. And if you want to get a new job, if you want to climb the career ladder, become a manager, for example, it’s going to take time as well. So never give up and don’t embrace that mindset of “I can’t do this, I will be forever alone. I will never get my business off the ground. I’m never going to meet a hot woman.” That’s such an important mindset.

Actually, I’ve been chatting with a friend of mine just a few hours before this and he’s been telling me that he can’t find any hot women on Tinder, or in general, in Bali. And I’m just like… Really?! There are so many hot women in Bali! I’ve been in Bali myself and dude they’re fucking left and right. You just gotta be in the right places. You’re not looking for the right women. It’s about mindset! So I told him: “Dude, okay, if you can’t find the right women that you want to find on Tinder, then you know what? You gotta go on events. You gotta go to events. To the venues where the women are that you actually like.” It’s all about what you look for in life. So for example, my friend, if he’s telling himself there’s no hot woman there, then he’s going to see that. He’s not going to see that there are a lot of hot women fucking everywhere wherever he goes. And likewise, you gotta open your eyes to the truth that you’re not gonna be forever alone. That’s so important! Mindset matters!

And just for the record: Being single since birth until 22 is not that bad. A lot of guys in their younger years, they just don’t know what they’re doing and they’re single, or they have really shallow, short-lived relationships. That’s fine. Everybody grows at different paces. Your pace is slower than other men’s, but that’s fine. Guess what? I have guys who compliment me and they’re in their 50s and they say “I’m learning a lot from you.” So I’m 20 years younger than them and they’re still learning a lot from me. So even someone in their 50s can still learn a lot about dating. So it doesn’t matter what pace you’re in. As long as you keep on moving forward and as long as you’re being real with yourself.

So going back to that comment of “it’s over for people who are below average“… Yeah, there is some truth to that, of course. There are statistics that very hot guys have it easier, but ultimately, are you probably just giving up too easily? Are you actually putting the effort to make this work? So ask yourself that question. I think what’s going on right now is that you’re making the first important step to improve because you’re sending me this message. So now take that advice that I’m giving you and apply it.

Talking To Girls At Parties: How To Approach A Girl Like An Alpha Male And Have Fun With Her

Last weekend was a total disaster for me. I went out with friends to a party strip. The weekend was like a grand opening of all the local bars and it was announced to nearby towns. So of course, everybody wanted to go, but man, I was really excited to go out with friends, get drunk, and meet some girls, but it totally did not go as planned at all. I did get drunk for sure lol but that’s where it stopped. I become way too shy to talk to girls when I see them right in front of my face. I often can’t even go on the dance floor and dance with them. FYI I also really suck at dancing. So that adds to it.

Dude, that is not a problem. I’m just remembering a story. I’ll share this in a moment. It doesn’t matter if you can’t dance. Maybe you’ve seen this sometimes in my videos. I mentioned that I like salsa or Latin dance. Anything. Salsa. Kizomba, Bachata. It’s great stuff for dancing and I’m relatively okay with this stuff. But guess what? If I would go to a club, I can’t fucking shake my hips. They’re so stiff! That’s fine! You know why? Because if a woman really likes you, you don’t have to do much. Yeah, you got to move a little bit, but guess what, women are going to grind the shit out of you!

When I was still very, very shy, the first time when I went to the Philippines before I moved there. I had no idea about the Philippines. I got there because I met this woman online and I wanted to meet her but then she totally broke my heart. She ditched me. She flaked on me. And I was on this beach in Boracay, Philippines. Great beach! There are lots of parties there and I met these two gay guys and they tried to get me hooked up with a woman who actually turned out to be a prostitute! And she wanted to hook up with me for free, but anyway, this woman, she was grinding me like crazy and I had no idea what I was doing. And guess what? Over the years, I’ve learned this. You don’t have to be good at dancing. All you have to do is you gotta be in that club, you gotta talk to one who really likes you, and she’s gonna do the job for you. She’s going to grind the shit out of you and she’s gonna be turned on. And as long as she likes that, as long as she likes to turn you on, as long as she can tell that you’re enjoying it, and you’re touching her a little bit, she’s gonna be turned on as well, and then ultimately, it’s not about the dancing, man. It’s about taking her home with you.

And the important part about this is actually not how you look like when you dance. It’s about how you feel while you dance. It’s about the aura that you give off to a woman, but also just to everybody, in general. You can be in a club and you can have no idea how to dance at all, and you can still be happy and enjoy yourself. And okay, by the way, I would not suggest getting drunk just to meet women because typically you are too intoxicated and you will look like a fool. But there is some merit in actually being drunk because it inhibits you to dance more freely. Now, if you take it too far, obviously, you’re gonna move really stupid. You’re gonna look quite silly, but that is ultimately the kind of frame of mind that you need to be in: To dance just to have fun. So you could always search for some dance moves on YouTube that are easy for people who don’t know how to dance. And it’s just fun and ultimately a woman wants to have her fun. Trust me. I have shown some women dance moves that I found on some of these YouTube videos because I don’t know how to freaking dance and they’re quite silly, and I’ve banged these women because they found it charming and they just liked me in general.

Dance Skills Don’t Matter: Knowing How To Dance With A Girl At A Club Is Less Important Than Attraction

And if they like you in general, they don’t care if you can’t dance that well. Most guys just can’t dance that well. So don’t sweat it so much. The bigger problem that you’re having is actually that you’re overthinking too much about what you’re saying to women. So you’re trying to figure out what is the right way how you open a conversation. Is that how you would start a normal conversation with a normal person? No, of course not! Let’s say I’ll go back in time when I was new in the Philippines and I was still relatively introverted and I would go to events all the time. Startup events. Co-working spaces. I would meet new people there. I wouldn’t ask myself “What do I say to this guy?” I was just there to get to know them and figure out what are they up to. What are they doing? What’s their business? What’s their startup? What’s their skill? And I’m trying to get to know them and even though I had a lot of social anxiety still back then, I was not over-thinking “Here’s how I start a conversation“… That’s the same frame of mind that you need to have with a woman.

Don’t start a conversation by thinking about “what do I say in the conversation?“… So rather than that, if you look at the events that I went to in the Philippines where I would go to startup events and so on, I would just think about the things that interest me. So what are the things that actually interests you that you want to talk about with a woman? So when you see a woman that you find intriguing that you want to talk to… I know you want to talk to her because probably you find her hot and so you don’t really know what to do. But it’s the same thing on Tinder. Most women don’t have anything interesting on Tinder. They don’t have long profiles. And you gotta figure out something to say about what they’re wearing, right? Or you see a picture on Tinder where she has a dog or something. So you say something about dogs. Or whatever, right? You try to find something to bounce off of.

And ultimately, with woman, when you approach her, you have nothing to go off. So you just say hi, you start the conversation, and then you find something that you have common ground with, and then you start bouncing off from that and you share with her what’s interesting to you. What you find interesting. What you’re passionate about. And she can share what she’s passionate about. It has to be an organic conversation, not something that’s forced. If you’ve ever read anything about the pickup industry… I think it’s really fucking stupid to have scripts or specific things to say because what are you gonna do when that script runs out? You don’t know what to say. It’s a really silly approach! And I actually did this when I started out as a coach. I didn’t know how to do sales and I use sales scripts, but what do you do when the sales script runs out? You feel awkward and you don’t know what to say! It’s much better to act from an abundance mindset.

Too Shy To Approach A Woman: Don’t Start With Approaching Women — Make Yourself Available

So for example, now when I get coaching clients, I don’t do any sales conversations at all. People just book a coaching session with me and then I have an organic conversation with them, or someone messages me on Instagram, they ask me a question, I ask them something back to understand what they’re like, what’s their problem, what are they feeling, and then I see if I can have a coaching session with them. I’m not overthinking it anymore if I get the client. Awesome! If I don’t get them, whatever! So probably what you need to find is the approach that works for you and you have to find the conversation topics that actually work for you, that excite you. So just like now I don’t have to chase clients anymore, or I don’t have to figure out a sales script, people just book a coaching session with me and that is, of course, because of my book and because of my YouTube channel. It’s understandable. But before that I was struggling. I had an Instagram account with videos and I was trying to post stuff on Instagram and all this stuff was not working for me. So it took time for me to figure out what kind of approach works for me.

And I had to develop the same thing with dating as well when going to clubs and bars because I used to be a very shy guy. So I had to figure out what is my crowd. What do I want to talk about? And so that’s why for me, social circles, like Latin dance, has worked because it’s kind of very relaxed and chill. So that’s one kind of environment or topics that you can talk about. So people who go to social Latin dances, they just want to have a good time and chill. They don’t want to get wasted too much. They just want to have a conversation about whatever, it doesn’t really matter. If you go to something like a karaoke bar or a live music bar, then people just want to have something very light-hearted. Make some jokes. Maybe play some drinking games, or have group conversations. Depending on where you go, you gotta change your approach. And not every venue is going to work for you because maybe you’re just not the kind of guy who likes to hit on women in bars and clubs! Me, personally, I’m not that kind of guy. I actually don’t like clubs or bars. Places that are so loud, because I like to have good conversations. And I feel really uncomfortable when I can’t properly hear what the woman is saying.

So that’s why I don’t really like it so much. And also often the vibe is just not for me because I don’t like this hookup mentality so much. I like to hook up but I like to have something that is a bit more high quality. So you should question if you’re actually in the right environment. Maybe you gotta switch it up because you right now don’t have any abundance mentality. Right now everything doesn’t work for you. And so that’s why whenever you try to talk to a woman or walk over to her, you feel like “if I don’t get her I’m screwed” That’s not the right approach! You need to be in this frame of mind that if things don’t work out, whatever! There’s another woman that I can meet in five minutes from now. Or 10 minutes from now. Or tomorrow. Or the week after that. So I’m thinking that perhaps that is not the right environment for you to get started.

You need to get some successes going with women so that you have a bit of more an abundance mentality. Once you have a bit of an abundance mentality and you know you can find another woman again in a week from now, then it might be easier for you to go to clubs and bars. So for me, for example, like I said: I’m not a good dancer and I will never be totally in the zone in a club but because I have an abundance mentality I can go to clubs now. Sometimes it’s going to work out for me, sometimes it won’t. And if it doesn’t. Yeah, fuck it, man. Who cares?

Why Am I Scared To Approach A Girl: Stop Anticipating Your Approach To Overcome Approach Anxiety

But I guess the biggest problem that I have is my anxiety, overthinking, and just the fact that my heart beats way too fast whenever I am mentally preparing myself to talk to a girl. Have you ever had that feeling when you are about to walk over but your feet just won’t get you moving? You just stand there and keep on waiting for the right moment to walk over to her? That’s how I felt last night.

Well, yeah… That’s your problem. You’re literally preparing yourself. It’s like you’re about to prepare a powerpoint and typically, if you’ve ever done a presentation, you know that if you’re not that prepared, if you just have a few bullet points here and there, and then you just wing it, it’s so much easier. It’s so much easier to do that compared to creating this incredibly freaking long outline of your presentation and then trying to remember all of it. So have you ever considered to just not preparing it? Instead of trying to think “I’ll prepare myself to walk over to her,” have some fun with your buddies! Hang out! Meet some people! Party! Get drunk together!

And then you’re gonna naturally have some conversations with some women because you’re bouncing off from one group to another. You’re meeting some people in the club. And there’s bound to be some women who are into you because while you’re just having fun meeting some people, you’re the one guy who’s not focused on all of these women. There are probably at least 20, 30 guys who are constantly cycling through, walking through the bar, walking through the club, trying to figure out “how do I talk to this girl?!“… So maybe you should stop preparing yourself and stop trying to walk over to women.

I’m not saying that walking over to a woman is bad, but it doesn’t always work. Sometimes you just gotta be focused on having fun and when you’re having fun, other people, women included, wanna have fun. And then, some women wanna have fun with you in a sexual way. So I would suggest to you to stop trying to walk over to women. But there’s still one more advice that I have for you, so let’s see where you go with your message.

Getting Better At Flirting: A True Alpha Male Doesn’t Need Alcohol To Approach A Girl For The First Time

I can only talk to girls when I get very drunk but even then I have never taken a girl home with me. Most of the time, it’s my friends who get to go home with a girl and I just go home by myself, which is depressing AF. My friends aren’t even that attractive or like super alpha dudes. They’re kind of similar to my personality type, but they still have more luck than I do. I’m embarrassed to ask them how they do it. So I’m messaging you here in the hopes that you can give me advice on what you think and how I can stop the overthinking and especially stop having a heart that pumps as if it’s about to explode whenever I’m thinking about making my approach.

Yeah, I do believe you that your friends are similar than you. Obviously, we always surround ourselves with people who are kind of like-minded. So they must also be a little bit shy, not the super alpha dudes, but maybe one thing that they might be doing differently is that they’re actually talking to women who are into them. So perhaps your problem is that you’re talking to the wrong woman because the thing is… If you notice a woman who’s clearly into you and you walk over to her, even if you don’t have the perfect opener, it’s going to be very easy to have a conversation because she’s going to be attracted to you and she’s going to help you out and you’re going to slowly have a conversation that gets better and better over time. There’s already some chemistry in the air even before you even started talking. So you’re standing here, she’s standing here, completely opposite sides of the room, and you gaze at each other and you can see that she’s into you and in that moment, there’s already chemistry! You can already tell she wants to get to know you. She wants to share something with you. And she wants to know something about you. And with that key ingredient, which is attraction, you can almost not fail! You can’t really say the wrong stuff.

Now, of course, that is a slight over-exaggeration! You can always become too awkward and say the wrong things but I have a feeling you’re talking to the wrong women. So instead of being so focused on thinking about “What do I say? How do I make my approach?” you should actually pay attention to “Does this woman actually have some interest in me?“… So is she smiling at you? Is she often looking at you? Is she looking away and looking back at you? Is she kind of giggling? Or is she waving her hair back? Or is she revealing her legs? Something like that. And if you can tell that she’s paying attention to you, that tells you that she’s into you and she wants you to talk to her. If you’re trying to talk to a woman who hasn’t noticed you yet, or she has no attraction for you, it’s a lot harder for her to actually open up to you because there’s this human bias that we have, that if something or someone feels familiar to us, we are a lot more likely to actually like that person. So if she sees you a few times already in the club or while you’re in the club, so you exchange looks a few times… You’re more familiar to her.

So that’s why talking to a woman who has already noticed you is much much easier! So my advice would be for you to actually go to clubs for a few weeks and don’t even try to hit on women. If it happens, it’s nice! But what I would suggest to you instead, is go to the clubs to actually just pay attention to which women actually like you and try to compare! You don’t have to hit on them. You can, but you can also just hang out with your buddies, get drunk, have fun, but the point is to see: “I went to this club, there are 20 women and I can see these three women, they’re into me. And all of these 17 other women they’re not into me. They’re not interested! They haven’t noticed me!” And that’s fine! You don’t need to talk to the women who are not into you! You need to talk to the women who are into you!

So that’s my advice for you. There’s no quick easy hack to get this done. It takes time. It takes effort. And then, like I said: It’s like this mentality with the red pill bullshit or the black pill bullshit, dude. If you want to get results with women, then you gotta try and you gotta fail. You gotta learn from your failures and so far you haven’t learned from your failures yet, because you’ve been doing the same thing over and over. So try to change your approach. Take the advice in my video. Take it to heart. See if it works for you. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine! Then you try something else again and you repeat this process until you find something that works for you. Alright, so that was my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

by | Apr 16, 2022 | Dating & Attraction

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Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help men unleash their confidence and reach their fullest potential. My science-backed philosophy is: “The king is already a winner.” — Amazing women are already attracted to you. All a king has to do is use this attraction to his advantage.

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