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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about breaking no contact and can it actually work if you try to do the no contact rule twice? Or should you just give up and should you just move on because you fucked it up and now you completely turned her off, and just accept the loss? Well, let’s see, what’s my advice? I have a situation from a guy who did exactly that. He broke no contact and he obviously feels like a bit of an idiot and he doesn’t know what to do now. So let’s see what is my advice.
No Contact Rule Broken: There Is No Specific Time How Long To Do No Contact
Hello coach, I urgently need your advice because I think I may have made a grave mistake and I worry it screwed up my chances to get back with my ex. I wish I would have watched your content sooner. Unfortunately, I did no contact wrong and reached out to my ex-girlfriend because I couldn’t stay disciplined. This is twice as bad because the reason why we broke up in the first place was that I smothered my ex. I became insecure and needy once we started dating seriously.
So first of all, yeah, it’s always surprising how people get no contact wrong. It’s literally in the name, no contact. The problem is that probably a lot of guys who learn about no contact in the beginning, they learn about no contact 30 days, no contact 60 days, no contact 90 days. There are a lot of scammy relationship coaches or breakup coaches who have these ridiculous fucking stupid claims about how no contact works. Then they make these promises about, you get her back in 30 days, or exactly 90 days, or you will get her back in three days if you do exactly X, Y, and Z. And of course, that is bullshit. No contact is no contact indefinitely and you keep at it. You just gotta stick to no contact and never reach out to your ex. Now, you messed it up, but let’s see. So you said you became insecure and needy and that happened once you started dating seriously. So let’s continue.
What To Do During No Contact: Fix Your Insecurities Before Trying To Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend
We were dating unofficially for about two and a half months and then we eventually became an official couple, but I became too needy because my ex is a wedding organizer. She often attends wedding parties and she meets a lot of single guys there. This made me very insecure and made me become clingy. Back then I couldn’t handle it well, especially if her wedding parties would go through the night. She did not always stay long during the wedding parties, but when she did, I kind of freaked out. So needless to say, my clinginess didn’t go well with her because I became insecure about her job. I fucked that up big time and she eventually broke up with me because she became frustrated with my behavior.
So before you continue with anything like no contact or asking yourself, getting back with your ex, ask yourself, can you be in a relationship with a woman who does that? There are nuances to this kind of stuff. There are some jobs that women have that I could probably not deal with, for example, something like a DJ probably would not be something for me. Where there’s a lot of crazy partying and all that stuff. Or maybe a bartender, that probably also wouldn’t work for me too well. This one is… She’s at weddings. Weddings are pretty decent. But she might get hit on by some guys. But overall, you gotta ask yourself, are you okay with that? Is it okay if she at least hangs out with a lot of single guys? She’s honestly, quite frankly… I doubt that she’s spending a lot of time talking to the guys there because she’s doing her fucking job, man.
She probably has better things to do than worrying about, or talking to some guys there. If she’s an unfaithful woman or not a good woman, yes, she might use that opportunity. But most likely what she’s doing is she has to work on the wedding schedule or making sure that everything goes smoothly and so on. She probably doesn’t even have time for these guys. So ask yourself, can you deal with this? Because if you can’t change your behavior, how you feel about this, your insecurity, then at this point, ask yourself, well, why am I doing this? Because you’re not gonna get her back or if you get her back, you’re gonna get back to the same behavior and it’s not gonna work out. So ask yourself, are you okay with this? If not, then yeah, drop it or change your behavior, change your insecurity.
Codependent Beta Male Struggles: Lack Of Social Skills Lead To Jealousy And Breakups
I now realize that I have an anxious attachment style and it’s something that I am still trying to work on. I am still working on becoming more independent and less intimidated being alone. I realized that I’m very introverted and struggle with social interactions. I never looked at it this way before, but after the breakup, I realized how my lack of social skills heavily impact my confidence.
So there we have it. That’s what you gotta focus on. So stop focusing on no context, stop focusing on trying to get your ex back, focus on being more outgoing. Meet more people, have more social interactions because you gotta fix the introversion. Now, I’m not saying that there’s something wrong with introversion. You might not believe it, I’m actually a fairly introverted person, actually. And I’m not a big partygoer. I don’t like to go out too much. I like to go to coffee shops or whatever. I like to meet people, but I definitely also sometimes need my quiet time. I’m not telling you to not be an introvert. I’m telling you to feel comfortable around people. To the extent that at the very least it doesn’t freak you out, where you don’t feel like awkward about what to say. Does it have to feel good to you? No.
But if I meet some random stranger now, I know what to say. If I meet some people at an event, I know what to say. If I meet some random woman, I know what to say. Although, I don’t do that right now because I’m dating a girl, so she would kill me. But you get the point, right? That doesn’t mean that I always want to meet new people. But if I need that, I can use that skill. And I don’t feel uncomfortable in my skin, basically. So you gotta work on that confidence. So what I suggest is go out a little bit. Go to events. Go to something that you’re interested in, like a running club or something like that, or a public speaking club, or an investing event or community or something like that, or crypto community, or something like that. Whatever you’re interested in, meet some new people and become more socially confident, basically.
Because that confidence will also reflect with other people, with other women especially, and, of course, also with your ex-girlfriend if you get back together. Or even when she just reaches out to you, when she sees that you’re no longer that insecure, and when you, for example, go on the first date, and she can just see that there’s something about your aura, and you’re so happy to just walk into that room compared to before where maybe your body language would be very tight, and you just wouldn’t be comfortable even just walking into a restaurant or something like that. You should just not give any fucks, basically. So work on that. Now anyways, let’s continue.
Intuitive No Contact & The Internal Battle: What Makes You Break No Contact With Your Ex-Girlfriend
When we broke up, I went no contact and I’ve been trying to work on myself, but it’s not as easy as I thought to work on this. And not talking to her drove me mad. So last week I broke no contact and reached out to her. I know it was a mistake, but I couldn’t help it. The reason I messaged her was because I saw that she had posted something about a band that we used to listen to together and wanted to go on a concert with. And I just couldn’t resist reaching out. I used it as an excuse to start talking to her again.
Yep, just never make excuses for reaching out to an ex. You’re telling yourself that this is great to connect with the concert or whatever, but the problem is when she’s not yet thinking about wanting to reconnect with you, or if she still has something that she doesn’t like about you, or she’s still mad at you, or whatever happened, you reaching out and telling her about the concert, even if you fucking like that band and you just wanted to go to that band so badly together, or to the concert so badly, and she hears from you, she will feel turned off. And then actually the thought of going to the concert together will actually, it will piss her off. But if you don’t reach out to her, for example, and then let’s say that concert is approaching, she will think about you. And she will think about you in a good way because you basically pulled back, she’s forgetting all the negative stuff, now she’s wondering, “Oh man, it would have been so nice to go on a date with him on that concert. We would have had such a great time.” And then she might reach out to you because she’s thinking about you. So never make any excuses for reaching out to an ex. You already did, but everybody who’s watching this, don’t do that.
No Contact Rule As A Cycle: Does No Contact Work Twice With An Ex-Girlfriend Or Is It Over?
To my surprise, she actually responded, but it wasn’t the response I wanted. She was polite, but distant, and didn’t really seem interested in talking to me. I don’t know if it’s because of what happened between us or if she’s moved on, but it really hurt to see her react like that. And I’m afraid I only reduced her attraction for me further. I hate myself for not having the mental strength to stay in no contact. Now what do I do? Is this really bad? If I just go no contact now, will it still get her attracted to me after some time? Or is it time to pack my bags and give up and accept that I fucked up too much? I really want to stick to no contact this time and keep making progress working on my codependency. And I hope you can also give me advice on that particularly. If I go no contact for a second time, what can I do to not fall back to the same desire of reaching out to her? Thanks, coach. I really, really appreciate your advice.
So first of all, I don’t think that it’s that bad that you reached out. I mean, obviously it’s bad that you reached out and it would be better if you would just be doing no contact, number one. But you can’t help it. Now you gotta go back to square one. It’s gonna take longer for her probably to reach out. Maybe she’s also going to date someone because you turned her off if she isn’t yet. So you kind of shot yourself a little bit in the foot. But what you really need to focus on is the mental strength, obviously, to just stick to it. I don’t think it’s too bad to do no contact twice. Honestly, sometimes no contact can go on in multiple cycles. If it’s with a healthy communication where you just don’t know how to pin her down, it’s fine. It’s not like you’re ignoring her or that you’re purposely doing no contact over and over. It’s just that you haven’t cracked the code yet and you have some periods of silence and then she reaches out again, that is fine. If you have that cycle multiple times, it’s okay. Rome wasn’t built in the day. So I don’t think it’s bad that you have to do no contact from scratch.
Obviously, it’s slowing everything down a little bit, but don’t worry, she’s probably going to forget after a while that you reached out about the concert. And maybe at some point she will also look back to the concert thing fondly. Maybe after the concert happened, she will be like, “Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted like that.” Cold and distant. She might think, “Yeah, maybe I should have been a little bit more friendly. Maybe I should have said something. Now I messed it up.” And now she will feel bad. Now, what you need to do is, you’re asking about, how can I I work on the codependency? How can I work on sticking to no contact better? Really what you should do probably is recognize that, well, things are kind of over between the two of you right now. The problem is that you’re still treating her like she’s a part of you. I know you care about her, but right now you both are single or at least you’re not a couple.
Developing Independence During No Contact: Moving Forward Without Your Ex Until She Reaches Out
And maybe she’s dating someone who knows, but she’s not a part of you. So you’re still being dependent on her. While she probably is not, maybe she’s still thinking about you, but she’s not treating it the same way. You’re basically just hoping for getting her back, waiting for the time when she comes back, using no contact. It’s okay to use no contact, obviously, but you gotta be okay with being single. And it seems to me that right now you’re not really okay with being single. You’re basically just counting the days and thinking, okay, I’m doing no contact right now, so probably very soon I should be getting results. And you’re basically always framing everything from the perspective of “I’m gonna be with her soon again. Right now, she’s still in my heart, and very soon we will be together again and everything will be 100% complete.” You should be complete without her. And then she’s going to come back, most likely, because if you no longer need her, if you no longer need to think about “I’m doing no contact“, the way that no contact should work is that you start no contact, and probably in the beginning you do it for her, but then you start something for yourself, like I recommend.
Go to some events to become more socially skilled, less socially awkward, a little bit less introverted. You’re gonna start feeling good, and then all of a sudden you will no longer do it for her. You just love what you’re doing, and then you become less codependent, less dependent on her. You barely even remember that you’re doing no contact, you probably already think she’s not gonna come back, and bam! I guarantee you, that’s the moment when she comes back. That’s how it’s gotta be. So remove that dependency on her. Right now, it’s just you. So focus on what can you do for yourself? How do you wanna spend your time? How do you wanna feel more confident? Because obviously, that was the big problem in the relationship, you felt very insecure about something that I believe was not really a big deal with the wedding planning. I mean, that’s not a very promiscuous job or something like that, and you probably were reading into it a lot, I assume. So it’s clearly something that you need to work on. So get to work, focus on that.
The fact that you broke no contact and now you have to do it from scratch, it’s fine. You didn’t mess it up irreversibly. It’s not like you can’t fix this, but obviously no more excuses, and no more excuses to not work on yourself. So you said that you’re trying to work on your codependency, but it seems like you haven’t made much progress. So I assume you haven’t really done that much yet because it hasn’t been going anywhere. And so you’re basically bullshitting yourself that you’ve been doing the work. So now it’s time to do the work. I suggest to you, if you’re socially awkward, you lack confidence, and that’s why that reflects also with your ex. I mean, right now, as I’m posting this video, actually, I don’t know where I’m posting this video, but maybe in the next four weeks, think about four different places that you can go to once a week, like an event or I don’t know, a concert, like for example, like you said you like to be alone. I know, that might be intimidating to you as an introvert, but try to go to a concert or like a small gig in a coffee shop or something like that, and see if you maybe even strike up a conversation with a person. Work on that. So take real action steps. So that’s what you gotta do. That’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.