Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video, I wanna talk about stalking an ex-girlfriend and thinking you’ve screwed up. You’ve basically ruined your chances. Is it really over? Have you screwed up your chances or can you turn this around? So I have a message from a guy who essentially stalked his girlfriend. To some extent. I’ve seen worse actually, but anyways, he thinks it’s pretty bad. I think, well, yes, it is bad, but I’ll get into this in a moment. So let’s get into this message and let’s see what is my reaction to his situation.

Panic After A Breakup: Is It Over If You Acted Needy And Desperate After A Breakup

Hello, coach. I screwed up so much and I need to find out if there’s any way how I can still undo my mistakes with my ex-girlfriend. I had been extremely insecure after our breakup and had been stalking her to the point where her best friend told me to back up. So here’s my story.

Now, first of all, you know, the thing that you just mentioned here, her best friend, both of her, to back up, this is something that is very common, that I see very often. Typically, even if you’re not very insecure, even if you don’t screwed up too much, if you’ve had a breakup, it’s always like the girls, they’d be like, “You go girl, you deserve so much better! You slay, you’re so awesome, girl. You deserve someone who really treats you like a queen, like a princess.” You know, it’s female entitlement. And even if your ex has done a lot of mistakes, her best friend will still say, “Back off. You’re not good for her,” these kind of things. So I know you think that you’ve really messed up and stalking, obviously, it’s not good. But just because her friend talks shit about you or tells you to go away, that doesn’t necessarily mean something. Sometimes actually, the best friend of your ex-girlfriend could actually be a bad influence on her. Perhaps she’s single or she’s toxic. And so, she just wants her friend to be her friend and she doesn’t want to share her with you. So that’s just something to keep in mind.

Dissappointed Your Ex Girlfriend: When You Neglected Your Ex-Girlfriend All The Time

Three months ago, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. It was a spontaneous breakup after a very big fight. We have been arguing a lot about priorities in life. She accused me of being consumed with my work. At the same time, she was being very cold towards me back then. She was right that I was quite obsessed with work because I wasn’t happy with how my career was going. I’m not the best time manager, so work was very stressful. Anyway, the relationship had gotten quite tense before our breakup because of disagreements. And then that one time, I had to work out over our Thanksgiving break because I wasn’t finished with my work yet. So I had to work in between our planned trips, et cetera.

Well, okay, so that is actually something that’s on you. I am assuming you know that’s an issue already, but if you’re in a relationship, it’s not just if you’re in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or what’s just going on with your life. You gotta have your priorities straight. And if you have to finish some work over your Thanksgiving break or whatever it is, Christmas break or New Year’s, I don’t care what it is. If you’re so consumed with work, like you said, you were consumed with work, that you can’t make time for other priorities, there’s something wrong here and you gotta fix that. Nobody should ever ask you to work on your Christmas breaks unless you have your own business or whatever, then why would you work for someone else who doesn’t value your time, who is only willing to pay you as much as he, as low as he possibly can? I’m doing my own business right now. I’m doing a lot of things and I’m doing it for myself. So I’m okay to work on weekends. I’m okay to work on holidays when people here are having fun. I’m hustling, right? But I’m doing that because I want to get something out of it.

When you’re working for someone else, you should never sacrifice your leisure time for some boss that you will probably never care about in a few years from now. I’ve worked for a few bosses in the Philippines. So the last one that I’ve been with in the Philippines was like three years ago. And I could go much, much further back into the past. And I honestly don’t care about any of these bosses anymore. That’s been three years ago. Of course, some companies were like six years ago, or seven years ago, or maybe five years ago. I don’t care about any of these bosses anymore. I can guarantee you none of these bosses care about me. And I’ve been in a situation like you in the past as well, where I’ve been working a little bit too much also on holidays. And I treated myself like a corporate slave basically. And that was not good for my relationships. And I can tell you, I can guarantee you, my old bosses, they probably don’t even remember my freaking name. So why would you take that work home with you over Thanksgiving break? That doesn’t make sense.

Look, if you’re very stressed, then there’s something going on in the company. Either they’re not hiring the right people, or you’re taking too much work on for them, you shouldn’t, or you can’t say no. There are all kinds of reasons. And you gotta look at that and fix that. Otherwise, if you get back with your ex, or if you find a new girlfriend, or just anything else in life, if you wanna hang out with your friends or whatever, imagine if you just wanna go on a trip with your bros. And then you bring your laptop and you have to do some work. They’ll be fucking annoyed. So you gotta fix that. Anyways, so let’s continue. So you had a big argument, and that pissed her off obviously because you couldn’t make time for her, rightfully so.

We Had A Big Fight: She Wanted To Have Space And Time To Think — She Was Done

I was super stressed back then, and in that fight, I saw red and really screwed up how I reacted to our argument. So it was very messed up actually. I was visiting her family over the holidays, and that’s where we broke up. It was painful because I had to spend the last days of my holidays away from home and actually slept in a hotel for the last two days. I tried to fix things with her before going back home. She stayed with her family a few more days, but she said that she needed time to think. She said she thought it was best for us to have some distance. So basically in that moment, she was done. That fight was it.

And the whole thing, I need some distance, I need time to think. She probably didn’t need time to think. She was done with it at that point, and she just wanted you gone, and that’s why you stayed at the hotel, right? So I’m assuming there were already some problems there brewing. Maybe you were already begging, and she was like, “Nah, I’m not having any of this. Please go to the hotel or something like that. Go somewhere else.” And it sounds like it was just two days, so I guess it sounded reasonable-ish. Although she should have probably let you stay at her place if you’ve been there at her family’s. But anyway, it is what it is, and she didn’t want anything to do with you, and you should accept that. And for now, it’s probably still the case that right now she still doesn’t want anything to do with you.

Chasing Your Ex-Girlfriend Too Much: When You Pushed Your Ex Girlfriend Away By Begging

Now then, this is where I really messed up. After I got home, I messaged her again, but she just ignored my message. And when she got home as well, I became very obsessed after not hearing from her. By the way, with home, I mean the city where we live. We didn’t live together yet. I tried to message her a few times trying to work things out, but she said that she felt that it was over between us, that things aren’t working out.

He obviously went wrong there. You should have given her some time to miss you. Actually, if you break up, if you have a painful breakup over holidays, that’s probably one of the worst things. And it’s not the worst in the sense of, it sucks obviously, it’s really painful for you. But it’s also equally painful for her. Because if you go on holidays with your girlfriend, it seems that you are very close, you’re really tight, you love each other a lot, and it seems like you’re a family person because you visited to see her family on Thanksgiving. So you care about family. I don’t know about your family, if your parents are still alive and what’s going on with your entire family, but clearly you made time for her family. So that means you are a family-oriented person. So I think you’re very tight, you love each other a lot, and you probably wanted to build something long-term, a long-term relationship. So you’re hurting, but she’s also hurting because she didn’t expect that. Yes, you had problems. Obviously, you already had a lot of arguing before that and the problems with work, where you not made proper time for her, which then made her withdraw from you. She didn’t like that and all that stuff, but obviously she loves you because if she wouldn’t love you, you wouldn’t have had that crazy-ass fight, obviously.

Honestly, if you have a breakup with someone and you have a pretty stoic breakup where you just kick them out or you just tell them it’s done and you have no emotions, that tells you that the person doesn’t care about you at all. They’re just very low interested, low investment, and they just want to get it over with. But if you have a big fight that tells you that she actually cares about you then that must have been really painful. So you should have given her the time to actually process all of this and not try to message her. I know that it’s so hard, especially when something like this happens where you want to spend family time, some good quality time, and then you break up, that is the worst. But hey, you gotta stay strong in those moments. Everybody who’s watching when these kinds of things happen, especially in the moments when it’s hardest. Holidays, vacation times, the times when you would usually do something together. Maybe let’s say your anniversary or Valentine’s Day and so on and so forth. The days that are important to you during the years, throughout the year, those are the times when you need to be strongest.

So if you already know, well, it’s for you, it’s right now, it’s over, but everybody who’s watching this and also you right now, maybe in the future, think about the days that are hardest for you, where you feel like you want to message her because you need to make yourself consciously aware of trying to avoid that. That happens very often with my clients actually, that they get these impulsive moments where they just wanna reply to their ex or replied to their ex and they know they shouldn’t have done it, but they did it anyways. And typically, what I do with them is we write it down on a pen on paper or better on a whiteboard, and you get a typical cheap whiteboard where you can write on it or something, you hang it on your wall. Just remind yourself that you’re not going to do this. It’s like if you’re drinking alcohol, if you’re an alcoholic or a drug addict or something like that, your ex is essentially a drug to you and you’re going to want to consume that drug when you feel weakest, when you’re at your lowest point. So if you are, for example, alcoholics, right? If they are out of a job, in a lot of pain, I had a client once, he had a knee injury. Yeah, it was kind of a knee injury and it was really hard on him or was it an injury?

Anyways, he had a really bad injury, basically. And it was really hard on him, it was painful. And he became an alcoholic and he basically used the alcohol to overcome his pain, to numb himself a little bit. And then he used it even more after the breakup. So we always fall back to our vices when we feel weakest. Weakness leads to vices. Wanting to message your ex girlfriend is actually a vice. And you got to make yourself aware that you’re not going to do this. The more you make yourself consciously aware of it, the more you can hold yourself back. And I have a lot of these exercises in my course, actually, where I help you make yourself aware of certain things that you shouldn’t be doing and how to counteract these things. So anyways, let’s continue what you say further.

Stalking Your Ex After A Breakup: Sending Ex A Letter And Showing Up At Your Ex’s House Unannounced

After I messaged her a few times, I panicked so much and I went overboard. I went to her place and wrote her a letter. I’m not sure if she got the letter. I also went to her place three more times, but she wasn’t home. One time I even waited in front of her apartment door. The last time I went there, the guard told me that I can’t come in. So I think she already… She already knew and told him to stop me from entering the building.

Well, if you went to her place and you got her the letter, she got the letter. She just probably ignored it.

Yeah, so she knew that you were coming to her place and I don’t know if the guard told her, but oh, whether she was home, you obviously shouldn’t have gone to her place, but it can’t be helped. If you’re weak and you do a lot of stupid shit after the breakup, it just happens, man. We all do stupid shit. And the important thing to remember is that your ex will actually forget a lot of this stuff. Actually, it reminds me of something that happened to me a long time ago. I explain the psychology of this in my course, but let me just share the story with you. I think I mentioned roughly this story before. There’s this one girl that I dated a long time ago and she was insanely jealous and eventually, I broke it off with her. I kicked her out in an instant and then I was done. I was just done with the relationship and I never looked back. And then maybe two years later, three years later, guess what happened? I fucked her. We hooked up, we met up a few times and I didn’t care about her stalking me anymore. I was like, “Yeah, you know, like she really loved me. She messed up a little bit, but we can all be forgiving.”

And typically what happens after a while is, especially women, they will forgive you for this stupid shit. Especially if you are a good guy. If you are a total piece of shit who never treated her right, and you were a complete asshole, and you were not caring, not nurturing and you always didn’t listen to her or just made no time for her and all that stuff on purpose, didn’t prioritize her at all. Then sure, she might be done with it, but if you weren’t a terrible boyfriend, which honestly, most guys aren’t, then she will forgive you after a while and forget this. So don’t worry so much about the stalking. I don’t think that it’s the worst thing that can happen. And like I said, I’ve seen much worse scenarios than this. Yeah, waiting in front of her apartment was obviously not the best decision, but look, it’s done, what’s done is done. And you gotta let it go and she’s gonna let it go as well. But that’s also why no contact is so important. You’ve gotta let go of all of that stupid shit that you’ve done, let it sink back into the past and over time, she will not… She might recall it at some point a little bit, but she won’t really care anymore.

Failed To Do No Contact: When The Friends Of Your Ex Tell You To Back Off And Leave Her Alone

I got so insecure back then because I wanted her back and I just thought that if only I told her my perspective, we could fix things. After the breakup, I recognized how fucking stupid I was for my work getting in the way of our relationship. I wanted to change things, but after telling her that with one last message, her friend messaged me and told me to back off. She said that my ex doesn’t want to talk to me and that I need to accept that it’s over. I just gave into it because I didn’t want to cause more problems.

Well, yeah, that’s typically actually the right advice to take when one of your best friends says, “Hey, back off and accept that it’s over.” Obviously, they don’t mean well, they just wanna get rid of you, but they’re actually correct about it. They couldn’t give a shit if you get back together, they’re quite happy that you’re out of the picture, quite frankly, but they’re correct about the assumption that in that moment, your ex doesn’t want anything to do with you. And you should just accept that it’s over. Even right now, after… We’re gonna get to this, it’s been about two or three months, I think. And even right now, it’s still over. She, right now, still doesn’t want anything to do with you. Accept that this is the status quo right now. Don’t try to fix it. I know you wanna fix the things that didn’t work, right? The work stuff. Have you already addressed it? You should not be addressing this only when you get back together. Address it right now. If you only get back together in six months, for example, and you still work hours like crazy, or you still can’t say no to work, you still take your work home on a holiday, for example. Dude, she’s gonna be so annoyed with this, and rightfully so. If you have a really big problem in a relationship and you never address it, why would anyone want to get back with you? It’s actually kind of toxic.

That’s what narcissistic people would be doing. I’m not saying that you’re narcissistic at all. I don’t think so, because otherwise, you wouldn’t be messaging me, but that’s a character trait of a person who is very narcissistic, who never changes, who never improves. And I know that’s not you. So if you haven’t made any changes yet, then do that. I know you want to change and you want to prove to her that you’re going to change, but what you should do is you should already make that change right now so that you don’t have to say with words, “Hey, I’m gonna change, I’m gonna make everything different“… No, when she wants you back, when she becomes curious again, when she messages you again, you’re already that guy. You have to become that guy during no contact. And that’s the one thing that guys always get wrong about no contact and getting an ex back. Like, “Oh, I made so many mistakes and I can’t undo this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Look, what happened in the past doesn’t freaking matter. Who you’re becoming in the present is what matters and who you’re going to be in the future when she reaches out to you, when you reconnect. That’s the only thing that matters. That’s why hard work is so important.

And that’s why watching a lot of video or thinking about “I’m just gonna wait for this and then when she comes back, then we’re gonna work it out.” No, no, no, no, no. You can already to a large extent address what the problem was. And whoever’s watching this right now, you might be thinking, well, in my scenario, this doesn’t apply to me, but that is bullshit because you might be thinking, well, it was a lot about her. Sure, maybe there was a lot about her, but you know, it always takes two to tango. You look at your flaws, what did you do wrong? How could you have responded differently? And in your case, it’s a bit more obvious. It seems that you were the one who basically didn’t make her happy. And at some point she was like, “Okay, this fight was it and I’m done!” And you can obviously address the problem right now: Find a new job. Don’t take on this work anymore. Tell your boss that you don’t want this anymore. Tell him that you need another employee or an intern or whatever, I don’t care. But it’s all about having the standards to say no to this crap.

So I have a friend of mine who is actually kind of in a situation like this. Right now he is making a lot of money and he’s making good money. He lives in Asia and he’s quite happy. And while he’s not too happy with his relationships and the people that he’s meeting there, his social life is not too perfect, but he’s especially not happy with the kind of work that he’s doing. So he’s making great money, but he’s stuck in this treadmill of always working for assholes who don’t value him where he can’t really build a financial future. He’s making good money, but that money just runs out after a while, obviously, because he has to spend money. And he’s working for people who don’t appreciate him. And so his problem is that he doesn’t say no and he doesn’t find another solution. He could, for example, take 50% of the work that he’s doing right now. He would be still having a great life in Asia and spend 50% of his time finding other clients, who are building up a business, but he’s not doing that. So you need to think, okay, how can I solve that problem? How can I fix that specific problem that just keeps on repetitively coming back? So otherwise, if your ex comes back and that problem is still there, especially if it might’ve been a problem that is relatively easy to solve… I know it always seems like it’s very hard when it’s from your own perspective. That’s why a coach might be useful or maybe some exercises in my course might be useful for you, but often it doesn’t require that much to change. Now anyways, let’s continue with what you say.

No Contact For 3 Months: When You Haven’t Heard From Your Ex In 3 Months

All this happened about two months ago. And now it’s been three months since the breakup. I have not heard anything from her since I talked to her friend. I’m not sure what I can still do at this point. Please let me know what I should do now.

So the whole stalking-ish behavior happened for about one month.

Yeah, it’s everything I already said. You need to work on yourself and focus on the problem. And right now you can’t do anything. It’s been three months and it always sounds like it’s so long to people, or three months, been so long, or like, a lot of guys can’t believe that it will take six months or a year for an ex to come back. But your ex will just typically not come back very fast. Sometimes it does happen, but it typically depends on her attachment style and the kind of breakup and also how the relationship was before that. But most of the time, three months, it can happen that she messages you. It does happen often with my clients as well, but it’s not guaranteed. And you never know what she’s up to right now and how painful it was for her, or if she is seeing someone right now.

Obviously, the stalking was quite extreme, but she could literally be messaging you in a week from now. You don’t know that. It’s been three months already. So you talked to a friend, you haven’t heard from her, you don’t know what’s going on with her, but you shouldn’t even be thinking about this. And you shouldn’t be thinking about what can I do right now to get her back. You’re thinking about this in the wrong context. You should be focusing on yourself so that whether she comes back or not, you are the solved solution of the problem that you had in the past. You’re no longer the guy who is basically taking his work home. It doesn’t matter if you date someone else in the future or not. Obviously, that version of yourself, you learned that this doesn’t work. And that’s part of relationships. and of growing up, and becoming a man, and getting older. You learn the things that don’t work out and then you change them. And if you don’t change them, well, quite frankly, honestly, you’re an idiot. No offense to you, no offense to anybody else who’s watching this, but that’s the harsh reality. If you do the same shit over and over, it doesn’t work, then you’re just pretty much a moron. And so you just gotta focus on changing the things that didn’t work for you.

So like I said, look at that example that I gave you with my friend. He could probably reduce his workload by 25%, he’s a freelancer, or 50%, and he would still be making enough income to sustain his life quite nicely, I would say. Maybe you would have to scale it down the way that he spends a little bit, and then you could figure out how can you find different kind of work or find a new job that fulfills him or start a business that fulfills him. What can you do to solve the problems that were happening in the relationship? And also maybe there were more problems as well, and then focus on… Don’t focus on doing this for your ex. You’re doing this for yourself because there’s no guarantee that your ex will ever come back. If she comes back and you’ve done that work, she will be happy, and then you can make it work again. If she doesn’t, if you made it for her, if you try to do all of this for her, rather than for yourself or for a better relationship in the future, independent of whether that’s with her or someone else, then you’re just screwed. That’s just reality. I see this very often. I’ve seen this a lot in the beginning with my clients that they do it for their ex, only for their ex, and I made this so clear in my course.

Dude, I literally said this, I think, in my course, or I have it somewhere in my sales page. If you don’t believe in all of this stuff, if you don’t think that it’s okay to do this for yourself, if you’re only trying to do all of this stuff for your ex, and if you’re trying to manipulate your ex and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea, then, dude, I’m willing to refund you the money because I know that you bought into something that you don’t wanna do, and you’re probably looking for quick hacks, and so I’m willing to give people their money back because I know that that will never work out, and they won’t be happy with what they’re getting with my course because my course requires work. So I really believe in this, that you have to do the actual work on yourself, for yourself, not for your ex. And if you’re not doing that, then there’s no point to no contact. There’s no point on trying to change because you might think that you’re changing and you’re becoming better and so on, but if it’s always at the back of your mind for her, then you’re kind of attached to her and everything that you do, your entire purpose, your mission, the reason why you’re changing, it’s attached to something that’s not really your own.

You gotta make that reason your own, and it’s really about you, not her. All right, so that was my advice for you. Let me just wrap this up one more time for anybody who’s watching this. This whole stalking stuff and damn, I screwed up so much… It is not as bad as you might think. I still remember… I think I had this example on my channel a few years ago. Was it like a year ago where a guy, he stalked the girl quite drastically, I think, and the girl had to go to something like a women’s shelter or something like that. She was scared, I believe. And that one was quite extreme. That was much more extreme! Showing up to your girlfriend’s apartment and trying to want to talk about it, it’s not that bad, honestly. I’ve seen much, much worse. Okay, so don’t panic so much. Keep working with yourself. Think about how can you change for yourself, not for your ex. That’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.