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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re going to talk about shit tests. Fuck. YouTube no longer allows swearing in the beginning, whatever. Shit tests are basically when a woman tests your confidence, she will test whether you follow through with your opinion or whether you are going to go against the grain of what she has to say. She’s going to test whether you’re confident enough to lead and to say what you think. And women typically will always test you. That’s for initial dating, that’s also in the relationship. And I can guarantee you, no matter what happens, whether you haven’t seen the shit test yet, it’s bound to come at some point. And so I have a situation from a guy who is being shit tested in very small ways.
And most of the times when you pass the shit test, first of all, that gives you massive points for women. But also you got to consider that if you fail a shit test, which can happen, it’s not the end of the world. Most of the time, if you don’t fail the shit test miserably, she will typically just forget it after a while, sometimes even just after a week or two weeks. If you are very needy and insecure and she can tell that you are basically becoming insecure when she’s testing you, that is another thing. But if you just slightly failed it, most of the time after a week, she probably will forget it already. Sometimes it might take a little bit longer, but obviously, it depends on the situation. Anyways, I have a situation from a guy who is being shit tested. And so let’s see what is my advice for him. Let’s see what I have to say.
Shit Tests In the Early Stages of Dating: When A Woman Tests You It’s Not Always A Bad Sign
Hey, coach, I’d like to get your thoughts on this girl that I have been talking to. She is really cute, and sexy, and many other things, and I don’t want to simp too much, but basically, she’s pretty damn gorgeous. And we get along nicely, good initial chemistry, but I haven’t gone on a date with her yet, and she seems a bit hesitant to meet up. I don’t think that she doesn’t like me, but she seems to be scanning me for red flags, I think. She asked me certain questions that basically seem like she’s trying to get to know me better. Like for example, she asked me stuff like what I like in a girl, whether I want to have kids in the future, et cetera. She’s not asking the stuff like a list of interview questions. She just randomly sometimes asks me questions where you can clearly tell she’s trying to make sure that I’m the right kind of guy for her.
Now that is not a bad thing. That’s actually a good thing that shows you that she’s a healthy woman and she knows what she wants, and she wants to make sure that she’s getting the right thing. And so for example, if you don’t want to have kids in the future and she asks you that, and she can tell right away, it’s not for you, then why would he match up with this girl? Right, why would he want to date this girl? For example, there’s this thing on Bumble. Bumble has this feature where you can say “Do you smoke? Do you work out? Do you want to have kids?” And sometimes you match with a girl and she really looks hot. You really think she looks incredible. And then I see on the profile, she says, I’m not sure about if I want to have kids. Red flag! This girl is not for me. That’s for me, at least, because I want to have children in the future. So you gotta be clear on what you want and she’s doing the right thing here. And typically, women will always do this.
So for example, I am a dating coach. So one of my exes who was an incredibly sweet woman, probably one of the sweetest, if not the sweetest woman that I ever dated. It didn’t work out though because of COVID. She basically checked out a lot of my videos. A lot of girls see always “Dating coach“… What does that mean? They want to know, am I a player? Am I legit? And so she would watch a lot of my videos to make sure I’m not full of shit. Or maybe she was afraid that I’m a red pill guy or something like that. Maybe she was afraid that I’m like Andrew Tate or whatever, or that I’m an asshole, whatever. So she watched a lot of my videos. And then she actually also asked some of my friends because in the Philippines, everybody knows each other. It’s a small country. You all know each other. Everybody has connections with each other.
And so she would ask some friends, “Hey, you know this guy? What do you think about this guy? Is he legit? Is he a good guy?” Kind of stuff like that. And she basically asked behind my back about me trying to figure out, what’s up with this guy? Can I trust this guy? She was also a little bit of an insecure woman or not insecure, but hesitant to date, I suppose is the better term for it. And so women will sometimes just make sure that they want to see the red flags upfront. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some women are more defensive or they know exactly what they want. So that’s a good thing actually. She knows what she wants and she probably already figured out a lot of things that you have that she wants. Otherwise she probably wouldn’t be talking to you anymore. So nothing to worry here so far. Now let’s continue.
A Woman’s Gongruence Tests: When She Tests You She Wants To See If You’ll Change Your Opinion
And then recently she changed her attitude towards me. We were randomly talking ’cause she responded to one of my stories. I’m planning to leave Albuquerque soon and want to move to Santa Fe. Well, for now, basically I want to live a simple lifestyle. At some point I’d like to live by the beach. I’d love to live by the beach. The city life is starting to stress me out. So we started talking about my plans and she basically said that she prefers the city because there’s more to do. And that she gets bored easily and I told her that I have nothing against city life. It’s just that I also need my peace and quiet. She was really trying hard to convince me that the rural life is not as good as I think it is.
So there are two things that we can look at this. Either way, she just really, really likes you and she hates the rural life and she wants you to, get out of there. But this sounds like it’s more like a shit test. She’s basically, you say to yourself, she’s really trying hard to convince me or convince you that the rural life is not as good as it is. And that might be true, but there’s always balance. There’s always… Sometimes we need rural life. Sometimes we need city life. And she’s probably just trying to see what is your confidence level. How are you going to react if she says, “Look, the rural life is really shitty and I think you should not live there. Don’t live in Santa Fe. You should live somewhere else. Why don’t you stay in Albuquerque?” Or why don’t you live in… You like to live by the beach. So why don’t you like to live in San Diego, for example? Right, so, she is trying to see, are you going to bend your opinion a little bit? This is probably the shit test in my opinion. And we’re going to see in a moment why this is the case because you said that she changed her attitude towards you. So let’s see what’s going on.
After Getting Tested By A Woman: Did You Pass Her Shit Test Or Is She Just Pulling Away?
Now I can’t speak for that because I mostly spent my life in the city. I grew up in Houston and then moved to Albuquerque for college. So I want something new. I am not too worried that we don’t see eye to eye here. I don’t think it’s a big deal, but maybe she does. It was just a small chit-chat. After that conversation, she started fizzling out a little bit. She is talking to me less often. FYI, we have not yet met because we don’t live too close to each other. Actually, when I moved to Santa Fe, I will live closer to her. So the opportunity to go out with her will arise soon. But surprisingly, she’s less into me knowing that I’m about to move closer to her.
Yeah, so clearly that was her shit test. I don’t think that she is thinking “Oh, he’s moving to Santa Fe…,” and she wants to live in the city. Now she thinks “this can never work out.” I think she was just shit testing you and you might’ve been a little bit bending your thoughts too much. I think we’re gonna see this in a moment that you were trying to appease her a little too much. And she was trying to see if you’re going to give into her opinion that the city life is not that great and that the city life is better. And so probably you were a little bit too insecure about this. And then she became a little bit insecure about you because she’s not sure what to think about this.
Maintaining Alpha Male Stoicism: Overcoming Insecurity From Female Shit Tests
But I posted a story recently and she responded to that story again. She was teasing me if I really want to push through with Santa Fe because I might get bored. And I asked her… ‘Why? Do you really think I could get bored there?’ And she told me some stories about what life is in the area and I guess she made me worry a bit about it now. LOL!
Yeah, so she’s basically getting to you a little bit. She’s influencing you with what she has to say about that stuff. But the thing is you’ve never been there, right? You don’t know what life is in a more rural area or living there long term. As you grew up in Houston, Houston is a pretty big city, Albuquerque. I’ve been in Albuquerque before. I’m not sure if it’s a big city, but I’m not so sure if I would call it a city, but I could be wrong about this. I’ve only been in Albuquerque like once. So I could be wrong about this. But, basically never change your opinion for a woman. Never let a woman influence your thoughts. If a woman tries to shit test you and she tries to see if you’re going to bend your will or what you want in life for her, never do that! That is incredibly unattractive and it’s much better to just say, “No, I don’t care. I will live in Santa Fe. I don’t care about the city life.” And if you like the city life, it’s cool for you, but I’m going to move to the rural area. That is much more attractive than bending your will to what she thinks.
So let’s be real: She might really think so. She might really think that city life is much better and she’s had enough of the life in Santa Fe or near Santa Fe. She wants something more exciting. That could be the case, but probably most people are kind of balanced. We can kind of do both. We can live in the city a little bit. We can live in the rural area. Now, it depends on the city, of course, for example, I could not live in Metro Manila anymore, for example, but I’m about to move to Yogyakarta in two weeks. I haven’t been there yet and I don’t know what it’s like, but I’m pretty sure it’s not like Metro Manila or Jakarta. It’s a different kind of city, right? It’s a big city, big, but it’s a completely different vibe, right? So we can appreciate both things. And so probably she has the same mindset. If you are a couple and when you become happy together and you make plans together, how you want to live your life, she’s already been asking you about if you want to have kids and this kind of stuff, she’s already trying to figure out “What would my future look like with this guy?”
And so if you meet most of those criteria and then you start dating, organically over time, you’re going to figure out what you want. You’re going to make plans together and it’s going to develop organically over time. You’re going to know exactly what you want as a couple. You’re going to work this out. It’s not like you’re just going to flick a finger bang and like from one to a hundred, all of a sudden she says, “Hey, let’s live in the city,” or, “Hey, let’s live here.” And then you say, “Hey, you know, let’s live by the beach.” It’s going to be a discussion. You’re going to grow together and you’re going to decide where do you want to live together as a couple. So unless there’s a hundred percent incompatibility, that she could never believe that she can live in the rural areas and you could never believe that you’re ever going to live in the city. Then it’s obviously a red flag, you shouldn’t date this woman, but most likely, just don’t give in to her opinion, start dating her. And if you get along well and you can make this work, this, it’s a big compromise actually to move to places that you don’t want to live in. But for the most part, typically as a couple you can make this work. You can figure out what is the best place for you to live in. As I said, if it’s a hundred percent opposites, then it wouldn’t work, but most people are not like that.
Pass Every Woman’s Shit Test: Never Let A Woman Make You Doubt What You Want In Life
Now, so, I wouldn’t be too worried about this and you said that she made you worried about this a little bit as well. So she’s getting to you and that’s kind of a beta male move, I guess you could say. I know she’s just basically making you think about, “Was this the right decision? Maybe it’s the right choice.” But as a man, you should never question your decisions. So for example, I’m moving to Yogyakarta in two weeks and Yogyakarta is probably not the typical place that you would move to. Definitely, all the nomads don’t live there, but I wanted to live in Yogyakarta from the very first start when I moved to Indonesia, but it’s very hard to figure out the visa there. Even now it’s still kind of hard. So I’m actually taking a risk right now to move there. I haven’t figured out my visa yet. Right now I’m using a hack with my current visa agent in Bali and I’m basically just risking it, moving to Jogja and hoping that within the next six months I can figure out how can I properly get the visa done in Jogja. so it doesn’t break the bank because they are very expensive there compared to Bali.
So I’m taking a risk and you might say, “Hey, I could regret this. Maybe this is the wrong move. Maybe this is not the right thing to do,” but you never know unless you try. So never regret your decisions, never question them. It’s fine obviously to question your decisions if you made a mistake, but if you haven’t even made the move yet, it’s kind of silly to ask yourself, “Wait, why did I do this? This was such a dumb decision.” Unless you have a clear sign that you made the wrong choice, don’t give in to that. And her telling you that, “Hey, the life over there is not that great“… Whatever, that is her opinion and she could be completely wrong about this! Or you could just appreciate it and she doesn’t appreciate it. And if she doesn’t appreciate it, but you appreciate it, then you know that she’s probably not the right woman for you. Now anyway, let’s see where does this go.
Recover After Failing A Shit Test: Keep Communication Lines Open And Let Her Reach Out To You
Anyway, the point is that she has been less often to reach out to me. Before she would literally send me random messages like what she’s cooking or what she’s up to and so on. So she clearly wanted to get to know me more, but I feel that maybe I messed up. Maybe she realized that we’re not for each other. Although I really don’t think so at all. We have very few things where we don’t have the same beliefs or interests and stuff like that. Given that I’ve been moving to Santa Fe soon, what would be your suggestion for me? Thanks Lee.
So like I said, you probably in a sense failed that shit test. She probably saw, “Okay, I can kind of change his opinion a little bit. I can make him feel a little bit insecure about this. And I can bend his opinion slightly.”
So, maybe you passed the shit test, sorry, maybe you didn’t pass the shit test a hundred percent. And so she’s a little bit turned off. Maybe she’s also not into you because she really wants to leave that area perhaps. But like I said, in my opinion, probably after a week or two weeks, she’s completely gonna forget this. Don’t message her, let her come to you, let her reach out to you. You said it yourself, she was really into you. She would message you all the time and you’re moving closer to her. So what will you be doing or what should you be doing? Go on a date with her. The next time, once you moved and you probably post some story, right? For example, let’s say you move to Santa Fe and then let’s say you explore the local area, maybe there’s a local market or something like that, right? So for example, here in Bali, it’s always fun to just explore the “Pasar“, the market, or the attractions where they do dances and all that stuff. And just take some videos of the nightlife and show that you’re appreciating it. And she’s probably gonna reach out, she’s gonna say, “Oh, it’s cool, you’ve been there.” And you know, you’re gonna start a conversation and then ask her out on a date.
As I said, first of all, it doesn’t matter if you pass or it doesn’t matter if you failed the shit test. If it wasn’t too severe, she will probably come back. And most likely, this won’t really matter if you go out face-to-face and you’re having a good time. This difference of opinion between Santa Fe and our city life and rural life probably won’t matter in the moment. It might matter in the future, but you should figure that out later. First, have a good time, get to know her better. You can have a conversation about this later on, once you start dating and you actually start making out and you’re probably a couple, or almost a couple, at some point you can bring it up. But if she currently has no plans to move somewhere else, then why does it even matter? Just make sure that it’s not a complete red flag where she absolutely never wants to live in a rural area. If you could say, for example, over dinner, you, for example, talk about what she thinks about certain beaches that you like, for example, right? Like you said, you want to live in a simple life. But for example, in the USA, I’m not sure how simple the beach life is in the USA. So for example, I’m in Bali right now. In Bali, the beach life in Bali is just not simple in my opinion. It’s really crazy actually here. Compared to the Philippines, where all the surf towns are super small, I really miss it, to be honest.
And that’s actually why I’m moving to Jogja because I want to explore the shores that are not touristy and see, hey, can I find a small surf town or can I actually establish something that turns into a small surf town in Indonesia that is not so crazy, not so wild? And then the same thing in the US, right? So if you move to the surf towns or the surf cities in the US, I think a lot of them are actually kind of busy. Yes, you have the chill vibes and the beach and everything is cool and relaxed and free and everybody maybe is smoking weed and stuff like that. So it’s a free and simple life in that sense. But then you probably also have the city. You have the big city influence. It’s like Bali basically. You have… Bali is kind of the best of both worlds. You can have the crazy, but you can also have the simple. But Bali, in particular, for me is too touristy personally. I would probably like a beach city in the US much more than Bali. I’ve never been on the beach shores in the US. I should really go at some point because I think they’re freaking beautiful. And so you could actually make it work as well, right?
So go on a date first and you could probably just make it work out. You could find a compromise that works for both of you. I believe based on what you’ve told me, if she wants some hustle and bustle, you can find a place like this, for example. I used to live in Siargao, for example, which is a little bit of party in the Philippines. It’s a little bit more like Bali, but it’s also very simple. So if you want to be with a woman who if you’re with a woman and you want a simple life, Siargao for the most part is good. But she might also enjoy that it’s a little bit more party and things are going on there and it’s growing. So you can just make this work over time. You just gotta go on some dates and you gotta ignore the shit test. If you didn’t pass it, whatever, it’s gonna not matter. Probably in this case, I don’t think it will matter, but it’s important to always remember that. When something like this happens, don’t give into her opinion. She might actually do something like this again in the future. You know, maybe if you’d meet up in Santa Fe or wherever she lives, because it seems like she doesn’t live exactly in Santa Fe, but you’re living closer to her, she’s probably gonna test you over dinner. She’s probably gonna see this discussion is probably gonna pop up again. She’s gonna try to see how do you react to her thoughts and her opinions in person.
Are you gonna become insecure? Then as long as you don’t become insecure and you tell her exactly how it is, no, I want this kind of lifestyle right now, maybe in the future I might change my mind, but right now I’m not going to make any compromise and I like it here in Santa Fe. If you show her that very clearly, she’s probably gonna be turned on, even if she might slightly disagree. At least you’re a man of your word and you’re a man who knows exactly what he wants, then she seems to be a woman who knows what she wants. So that’s kind of attractive to a woman, because a lot of guys don’t know what the hell they want. A lot of guys are just going from one place to another. They haven’t figured out what they want. They don’t know if they want a simple lifestyle or they don’t know if they want a crazy lifestyle. Me, I’ve always known that I want something more simple and I’ve kind of knew already that Bali probably wouldn’t be for me, but I just knew that Indonesia or Bali is the best starting place. Now that I kind of established myself, I got my driver’s license, I got my visa for now figured out. I got a lot of things figured out that I wouldn’t have been able to do in Jogja. But now that I’ve figured that out, I’m like, okay, I’m ready to go. As soon as I got my driver’s license, my local driver’s license, I was like, okay, I’m packing my bags and I’m going to Bali… I’m going to Jogja! It’s sexy when you know exactly what you want. It’s very attractive to a woman. So just stay true to yourself.
Go on a date with her. Don’t sweat it too much. Let her come to you. Don’t reach out to her. Just post some stuff on your Instagram stories about Santa Fe and how you’re enjoying, like maybe, I don’t know, can you hike there or something like that? Or some activity, do something exciting. Show her that you’re a man of action. It’s kind of sexy as well. She’s going to reach out to you for sure. Then you go on a date, you seduce her. All of that stuff, you know, about the, where do you want to live? Do that later. You can talk about this stuff after the fourth date or something like that. You can also bring it up before that. But what I’m saying is: It only matters later on. Unless you can see right away, it’s a super red flag, then, just don’t date her at all. But if it’s not a red flag, just keep on dating her. And then over time, as you start dating, you become a couple, a semi-official couple. At some point, you can talk about this and see what are your immediate plans in the next, two, three, four years. Can you actually make this work? Are you aligned in the next four years? And if you’re aligned in the next four years, then that’s perfect. And then you never know what’s going to happen in three, four years down the line. You might both want to live a simple life and maybe you want to live even more rural. Who knows? So that’s my advice to you. Don’t sweat it too much and be careful of those shit tests. And if you like this video, then give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.