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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about whether an ex is testing you to see if you’ve changed. So when you want to get an ex back, typically you want to get her back because you screwed up. Maybe you’ve been begging, you’ve been a little bit needy. And so she wants to see that you’re no longer needy, you’re no longer desperate. Maybe you also were jealous, maybe you were aggressive or something. And so she wants to see that you’ve changed. Now, the question is, is she testing you or not? When an ex reaches out to you, what’s going on? Is she actually testing you or is nothing really happening? So in this case, I have a message from a guy and he believes his ex is testing him. Maybe she’s testing him, but my opinion about his scenario is that she’s not really testing him. She’s basically just being a woman and she’s going through the natural phase. We’re gonna see what the scenario is in a moment. So let’s jump right into it and let’s see what are my thoughts.
Accept That Most Men Want To Date Your Ex: Women Almost Always Get Male Attention
Hello coach, I need your help with figuring out where I’m currently at with my ex-girlfriend. I am actually currently talking to my ex-girlfriend again after four months of no contact, but I’m not sure if she is hesitant about me or if she’s trying to test me or if it’s something else. The reason why I’m not sure about that is because the breakup was mostly my fault. I used to have a lot of insecurity issues with my ex. She was my first serious long-term girlfriend of one year. I never really had anything as serious as with her, so I wasn’t really prepared for how insecure I’d feel with her getting male attention.
For the record, my ex never did anything wrong, but she gets quite a lot of male attention as a personal trainer/yoga teacher. She posts a lot of her workout and yoga exercises on social media to gain clients, and with that comes a lot of guys also seeing her profile. Now in retrospective, I realized that a lot of them are just pathetic simps sending attention-seeking messages. Even back then, I knew that sort of but my own insecurity got to me and I couldn’t think clearly. Eventually this became a big problem and I brought it up too many times and it turned into a big reason for having arguments and I couldn’t really control my temper. Eventually we broke up, somewhat mutual but really, it was more her who wanted to break up than me.
Yeah, so let’s be real, this was not really a mutual breakup. You just couldn’t control yourself, you couldn’t deal with the fact that other men are into her. And the reality is, no matter how hot a woman is or no matter how not hot a woman is, she will always have orbiters. There will always be guys who are into her. Right now I’m dating a woman that probably, at least in Indonesia, a lot of guys, local guys will probably not find her attractive. She’s exactly my body type, but for Indonesian, not that attractive probably. You know, in Indonesia they want like really big boobs girls and they don’t want a skinny girl, they want one with really big ass, not my style, not so much most of the time. And so anyway, the girl that I’m dating right now is exactly my, whatever you want to call it, preference, but you know, locals, not so much. But even then she has a lot of admirers. She is a musician, she plays a lot of live music, there are a lot of guys that admire her. She recently, a few days ago, turned a guy down and actually, I even found out that her bandmate actually would want to date her as well. Like I said, from an Indonesian local perspective, she’s not that hot.
From me, like in a European perspective, a lot of you guys probably would find her very hot. So even if a woman is not that hot, she will get a lot of attention and you gotta be okay with that. And now your ex, she is a yoga teacher and yoga teachers or women who do yoga are just smoking hot most of the time. Personal trainers as well. I know exactly that type. I’ve dated women like this and they are just crazy hot. You gotta be okay with that. If you want to date a hot woman, you gotta basically accept that fact. Some guys actually don’t want to date hot women. Sometimes I even say that myself that a really hot woman is not always worth it. And there’s a truth behind that. Sometimes hot women are messed up and there’s too much trouble with other guys if she’s not a good woman. So you gotta be willing to be okay with that. And some people are not okay with that. That is fine. It is okay to date a woman who is not considered to be super hot because she doesn’t get that much attention. Like I said, my girlfriend, she is exactly my preference, but she does not get as much attention as she could if she would have bigger boobs, for example, or she would have a bigger ass. And I kind of like it. It’s nice. It’s kind of simple. I don’t have to bother with that shit. I don’t have to bother with some sexy influencer chick or model or something like this. There are pros and cons to everything.
Like I said, you basically gotta be okay with that and accept that she’s always going to get attention. And your ex, with her profession, it’s just a big thing. Like don’t date a woman like this. Don’t date an influencer. Don’t date a musician. Don’t date someone who’s popular. Don’t date a personal trainer or someone who does a lot of social media stuff. If you can’t deal with that shit. Man, things were so much easier just thinking back like 15 years ago, we wouldn’t have had problems with this. 15 years ago, you could have dated a yoga teacher and there would have been no drama, no male attention. There would have been some male attention, probably at the yoga studio or wherever she’s working out and stuff like that. But things were much easier. So now you gotta pay attention how much of an attention whore is she? Sounds like your ex is not an attention whore. It’s basically for work. She wants to get clients, right? She wants to present herself and find new people to work with. And either you’re okay with that or not. So I hope you’re okay with that. If you want to get her back, if not, just let it go, man. Oh, and yeah, let’s keep it in mind. You called it mostly a mutual breakup, but really it was you who could not deal with anything. And she was basically done with you because she had enough of your insecurities. So yeah, you kind of wanted a breakup, but let’s be real, you didn’t want a breakup because let’s be real. She is pretty hot. And there’s no way you would have wanted a breakup with this woman, but it’s just your insecurities that got in the way and you probably couldn’t salvage the situation anymore. And at some point, you just agreed but you regret it. You clearly want her back. So it was mutual, but not really.
Learn To Handle Your Ex’s Male Orbiters: When Your Ex Leaves You Because Of Your Insecurities
I continued my insecurities with begging, but she wanted space from me. She told me very clearly that we can’t be together because I can’t control my jealousy and that she needs a guy who doesn’t feel intimidated by those guys. She was extra mad because her marketing is primarily for women and most of her clients are also women. It’s just that a lot of men pay attention to her due to the nature of social media. She barely ever has any male clients, if ever, it’s usually at the public yoga class that there are men.
So yeah, your ex is actually spot on about this. She wants a guy who’s not intimidated by this. I just mentioned it earlier that the girl that I’m dating right now, literally her bandmate, I was actually, I saw this bandmate playing and I was like, “Wow, this guy is fucking amazing with the guitar. Like, bro, you’re so good!” Anyway, he basically wants to get into her pants or is into her. And I’m like, I don’t give a shit, man. I just don’t fucking care because I’m confident and I know that she fucking loves me. She loves the sex. She loves the way that I treat her. She would never want that guy. She just doesn’t give a shit. I’m just much better. That’s how I see myself. I also treat her good. I’m confident and it’s really sexy the way that I portray myself and how I live my life. And I don’t have to worry about this. And that’s the same mindset that she wants from you. You should be in the frame of mind where you never give two fucks, even if there’s a guy who obviously wants her. Even someone who she meets up very often with, like, for work or something like that.
Like, for example, if she works at the yoga studio, personal trainer, maybe there’s a hot guy at the gym or at the yoga studio, you should not give a shit about that. You should be confident enough to not worry about this guy. Now, if your woman obviously gives specific attention to this and you can tell that she kind of likes it, that’s a different scenario. But it’s really just work or she can’t avoid spending time with this person. Fuck it, man. You are a king. See yourself as a king. And if you do that, you just can’t give a shit. You’re too busy with life. I’m too busy with my life. I’m too busy with my work. I’m about to launch a lot of new initiatives and experiments here in Indonesia soon. I just could not find the fucking time to worry about her band mate. Like, whatever. That guy’s a simp. He’s weak. He hasn’t been able to get her for who knows how long. So why the fuck do I care when I’ve been able to get her after like a week? That’s how you gotta see it. All right. So that’s who she wants you to be. So be confident and believe in yourself. Anyways, let’s continue.
The Nature Of Women Getting Attention: Learning To Be Ok With Your Ex Getting Male Attention
So I begged too much. And then eventually went no contact because she obviously didn’t want to deal with my neediness any longer. That’s when I started watching your content and also tried to work on my jealousy issues. Probably sounds a bit weird, but I started hanging out with more attractive men by hitting the gym and starting to kickbox. I basically tried to get used to the idea that there are attractive men out there. I couldn’t really deal with the thought of other guys, especially attractive ones, hitting on my girlfriend. I’m not out of shape, but if ever my ex would have male clients, they tended to be very attractive. I know it sounds a bit weird, but it really helped me. I think I lacked self-confidence because I also often would view myself as less worthy as other guys, especially if they’d be attractive. So I have been working on my insecurities and I actually really feel like I’m more confident now.
No, that’s not weird at all. Actually, I would recommend this to every guy who’s watching this. If you don’t feel confident in your own skin, hanging out with attractive men. Like actually for some guys, you will never be that attractive or that fit with your body type. Look at me. I am skinny and I will always be a skinny guy. Maybe, maybe give it 10 more years right now. I’m 33. Maybe if I hit my 40s, I will be super buff. Even if I don’t work out that much. Right now, my body type is still pretty skinny. It’s less skinny than it used to be, but I will never be that super ripped kind of guy. It’s just not possible for my body type. So what am I going to do? Am I going to cry for the rest of my life because there are some guys at the gym or at the yoga studio or whatever who get really big and have massive shoulders and stuff like that? Not really. That’s more like an inspiration for me. And some things you will never be able to get, but that doesn’t mean that you have other qualities that aren’t also interesting.
So for example, for me, obviously one of my most interesting qualities is when a woman meets me and she knows how much I understand about relationships. They go kind of crazy about that. My girlfriend obviously really likes it and she finds me really inspiring. And actually, I’m currently about to start a new YouTube channel very soon because I feel like I can do even more than what I’ve been doing so far. So, don’t sell yourself too short. It’s the right thing what you’ve been doing to surround yourself with attractive men. Or with successful men, with confident men. That’s really what you got to do. You build a social circle of successful men who help you grow and they are not competition. Weak guys, losers, simps, they always see other men as competition. I never see men as competition. I never see someone else and other confident, successful men as a competition. That’s the kind of guy that I can learn from! That’s how you should see it. And so if you see a guy who’s really attractive or has something that you don’t have, hang out with that guy and figure out, “Hey, how are you doing this? I want that as well.”
Right now I’m dating this girl, right? And she’s a musician and I’m amazed how skilled she is. And I want to be as skilled as her. So also I get inspiration from her. Always seek inspiration from others. Don’t be jealous. Don’t be insecure. Don’t feel bad about yourself. Whatever you don’t like about yourself that you would like to improve. When you meet someone who has that quality, try to learn from that and become better. That’s all you can do but hating yourself or feeling like you’re less worthy than some other guy. Never. It serves no purpose, basically. It just makes you feel more insecure and it will reflect in the way that you talk with people, the way that you do business, the kind of jobs that you get, the kind of gigs that you get, the projects that you receive, and of course, the women that you receive, and of course, the love that you will receive from women because they can tell when there’s something wrong with you, when you’re so insecure, or when you give zero fucks. That’s when they will stay with you forever. Now anyways, let’s continue.
Ex Girlfriend Testing The Waters: Is Your Ex Is Testing You To Gauge Your Transformation?
Now my ex has been messaging me again. Like I said, I did no contact with her for four months and in that time we actually have not been friends/followers on social media. It was her who suggested to unfollow each other. She really wanted her space from me and I guess she thought it would be for good. But now she has started talking to me again and she actually followed me again and I followed her back. Right now we’re not talking about the relationship or talking about getting back together.
But I feel like right now she is testing me to see if I’m still the same as before. Like I already told you, my ex doesn’t have many male clients or well she didn’t. Or I don’t know, but what I noticed is that I now see a lot more stories and posts of her having male clients or seeing men at yoga sessions group pics. I can’t help but feel like that’s not a coincidence. I’m not gonna lie but despite me being more confident now, it still bothers me. That’s not like it doesn’t face me at all. My heart raises whenever I see her posting something with another guy but I’m trying to hold it together and not get back to my old behavior.
I wonder if you think she’s doing this on purpose to see my reaction and do you think that if it’s a test of hers, will she stop doing this when she notices that I’m no longer as jealous? Right now I’m just trying as hard as possible to no longer be the guy who used to get intimidated by other men. I want to prove to her that I’m no longer like before and that I learned to trust her. I want her to see that I’m going to work on myself and I hope that she can see that I’m crying to be a more grounded guy. What’s your take on what my next steps should be? Right now we are just talking every now and then but I haven’t gone out with her yet. I’d like to start dating her again but I don’t know how she feels and what she really wants. Do you think now is the right time to try and make a move or do I need to first see if she’s trying to test me? Thanks coach, would love to hear your thoughts. All the best, Josh.
So is she testing you? What about the guys who are now in the picture? I don’t think that she is testing you at all. What’s going on is that she was not happy with you and now that you’re gone or that you broke up she’s like okay now I can get a little bit more male validation. She likes that and I can tell you when a woman truly loves you she’s really happy with you. She will reject all the guys she gives no fucks about. That’s given that she is a good woman. If she’s an attention-seeker by default, a woman like this will always seek attention. But your ex is probably just a typical woman who loves doing yoga. She really appreciates it. She does not care about the male validation but she gets it sometimes. But really what she just cares about is teaching yoga and get some balance in her life. But I used to live in the Philippines. Metro Manila, it’s a really stressful city. So much work and hustle and bustle.
Most mega cities are really just… You know, stress, stress, stress and working at a corporation and I knew some yoga teachers, women and it was like kind of like recreation. They felt good about teaching yoga on the side. You know some women also do it full-time but the point is it kind of feels good to a woman to do this kind of stuff. And a woman like this, like my friends in the Philippines, they would not do this for attention. They would do it mostly for the women. Like I said, or like you said, at the yoga sessions, typically there are not that many men. Now she’s probably getting more clients now that are men and that’s probably on purpose because she’s opening herself up for different genders. Probably, in the past, she would not allow that because she respected you and she didn’t want you to get jealous, unnecessarily, right. So she didn’t actively seek those male clients where she knew they were basically attractive to her. So she’s probably a really good woman. It’s just that now that she’s single, she’s like “Yeah, you know what I like the male attention, my ex didn’t make me happy. He didn’t appreciate that I trusted him, but he didn’t trust me. And I would always reject these guys but now you know what? Fuck him!” and that’s why she basically now has more clients.
Now she’s talking to you, of course, at some point maybe she should tune this down, stop having so many male clients, and well, if she’s not an attention-seeker it would be fine and she probably isn’t… It should actually be fine and you should be okay with this but probably what’s going to happen in the future, she’s probably going to have less male clients again if you date again. So what I would do is, I wouldn’t mention this at all. I wouldn’t talk about this at all. It doesn’t matter. Let her do her thing. Show her that it doesn’t bother you. I hope it doesn’t bother you and just go on a date. Basically all you got to do is be confident with her, show her that you couldn’t give two fucks if she wants to have a male client for the gym, or something like that, yeah whatever, man! Just don’t be that weak needy guy again and my take is that she’s not testing anything here on purpose. Yes, maybe there might be a scenario where a woman would test in this case and do this on purpose but I don’t think that she’s doing it because of you.
The Male No Contact Mistake: Assuming Your Ex Girlfriend Is Testing You & Thinking Of You
One thing that’s really important about no contact and getting an ex back is to understand that sometimes it’s just not about you. Sometimes your ex will post something or do something that’s just about her because she wants her autonomy and she wants to live freely and now she wants to get some of that male attention, or she just wants to have some male client and she doesn’t want to restrict herself anymore. It’s not about you most likely in this case. Just let her do her thing. You should make a move in the sense of meeting up with her soon. Show her that you’re confident, show her… If she’s gonna bring it up then you say that you’re sorry and that you’ve changed yourself, and that you’ve tried to become more confident and that you’re no longer intimidated by these guys and she’s gonna love it and she’s gonna fall for you again. And then you seduce her. And then maybe at some point in the future, if it becomes a problem again, you can talk about it but probably, if you date again, when she falls in love with you again she will probably not entertain these simps who are DMing her anymore.
She knows these guys they’re just DMing her for one reason: They don’t want to be her client. She probably knows that. And if you’re dating again she will respect you again, if she respects you again because you are respectable again, then you have nothing to worry. And she sounds like she’s a good woman to me. As I said, if you are with a good woman, they just don’t fuck around with this stuff. And they are very loyal, and they would never betray the trust of a guy. I think that your girlfriend or your ex girlfriend is that kind of woman. She doesn’t seem like she’s an attention whore or something like that, even though she has a job that requires her to gain attention, to get clients. But it’s really just for work, so yeah, that’s how I see it. So you just go on a date with her, try to seduce her, don’t talk about all of this stuff, don’t mention the guys. Obviously. It’s not a test. Don’t read into this! She’s probably just having some good fun right now. If you go on dates again and if you go on one or two dates, or you seduce her, and she feels comfortable, if she had one date and it felt good, and everything is normal, she will probably slowly stop having these male clients and even if she doesn’t stop having them in the beginning, don’t worry about it! Don’t mention it! Don’t bring it up and then she can trust you again. So that’s my take on this. Let me know what you think in the comments, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.