Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about developing confidence with women by actually not dating women. I think sometimes it’s really important to actually not focus on women at all because ultimately any woman wants to be with a man who’s a true king, who has his shit together, who’s confident, who’s happy with who he is as a man. You gotta know yourself as a man. One of the lines that I really love from my book is a man who knows himself is known by countless women.
So sometimes you gotta stop dating, focus on yourself, and then, because you focus on yourself, you’re automatically going to attract a lot more women. So I have a situation from a guy today who is very disappointed and frustrated with his dating life. He is, if I remember it correctly, 24 years old and he basically feels like he has no game and women are not interested in him, and perhaps that is the truth. That could be, but perhaps he’s also not really yet confident in himself. Not just with women, but also in general with his life. So let’s see what is my advice for him and let’s see where it goes.
Not Attractive Enough To Get A Girlfriend: Anything Can Be Changed — Success With Women Is Inevitable
Hi coach, I hope you can help me with my lack of success with women. I’ll get straight to the point of my problem. I suck at dating and I’m beginning to think that I’m not attractive enough for women. I’m 24 years old and I only had one girlfriend so far and my success with women in the last years has been well… I can’t really speak of success. Women just lack interest in me.
So the first thing that I want to mention is: Are you not attractive enough? “Not attractive enough” is really subjective, even if you’re incredibly fat and you’re not in shape, some people like that… Maybe not so much with men, but certainly, with women, it’s more common that some men like curvy women… But the point that I’m getting at is you don’t have to be that attractive. You don’t have to reach a certain threshold only for women to like you like. The person that I could think of right now if you’ve seen this recently new show called Jack Reacher… The guy who’s such a tower! He looks just so attractive, and he’s just such a clear alpha! Damn! It’s a great depiction! It’s a really great series and you don’t have to be like Jack Reacher in that series.
Now, if you are showing that you’re letting yourself go, like you’re really fat, and you’re just not taking care of your body, I don’t want to make this about people who are fat or ugly… It’s rather that if you don’t take care of your body, that is your beard, how you shave, your hair, how you dress also, and of course, also your weight in general. It’s more about the attention to detail and the fact that you’re taking care of yourself. Any woman wants to see that. That’s why well in Germany where I’m from, we have this saying called “Kleider machen Leute” and I guess in English there’s something similar. It means something like “Clothes make the man“…
The point of that is that, for example, if you walk into a bar and you look really well dressed, women will be into you. I can actually share something about this where it’s really relevant, where I just remember it because I’m about to go to Bali really soon and in Bali, there are all of these salsa clubs, or social… whatever… There are clubs and people do Latin dance. Salsa, Bachata, Kizomba, and sexy dances. But everybody who’s in Bali, even all the digital nomads and all the people who stay there, they’re always in shorts, and even at those really fancy clubs, they go in shorts and flip-flops. And women are like “you can’t come here with flip-flops!” and when you then dress up really nicely to one of those clubs, women will really dig it! That’s just the fact of life. So as long as you hit the gym and as long as you’re not fat, it’s fine.
Right now I’m not defined at all but as soon as I’m going back to Bali, I’m going to go crazy with workout again with the beach nearby, but even if I’m at my peak, which I used to be roughly two years ago, I am very defined but I’m not like Jack Reacher. That’s just how it is. But I’m still attractive because there are a lot of women who like your type of body. As long as it’s defined. So that’s all there is to it. And also, by the way, you should realize that anything is malleable. Anything can be changed.
You might say “I am not born attractive” but is that really true? Not really! What about your beard? If you don’t have a full beard, you could get minoxidil and you get a derma roller and you could work on that. What if you’re not fit enough? You hit the gym. What if you don’t have any muscles? Well, then you do the One Punch Man workout. What if you don’t have any ass? Well, then you do 100 squats a day. What if let’s say hypothetically you think that you are unattractive because you’re wearing glasses? Well, then you can get contact lenses, or even… I know it costs money but you could get your eyes lasered.
Basically, anything can be changed, and honestly, that’s fine! If there’s something that you’re really, really uncomfortable with, you could always change it! And the truth is I don’t think that is insecure at all. Honestly, if there’s something that you’re born with that you just don’t like, it’s fine to change it. But you gotta understand that sometimes you’re just being too subjective about this and you’re not giving yourself enough credit! For you to be born to be not attractive enough for women, you would really have to be an anomaly. This is a very common talking point that people in men going their own way or more… Maybe. I’m not gonna say “Men Going Their Own Way“… I’m probably gonna get hate if I say that. Incels say that often, that they’re not born attractive enough, which is BS! Most of your attractiveness can be shaped!
Have you ever seen Tony Robbins? Tony Robbins is also Jack Reacher! He’s like a tower! And he has this very interesting documentary from Netflix. It’s a great documentary to watch, but anyway, the point is somewhere in that documentary he says he shaped himself to be the person that he is now. So he was never born to be that tower, and with the voice, and the confidence, and all that stuff. He turned himself into this self-help guru. He wasn’t born this way, but look at him now! He’s so successful and if he walks into any room, he’s basically impossible to ignore! That’s just a fact! And he wasn’t born that way! So you’re not born that way either! You can work on yourself, alright? So with that out of the way, let’s continue!
Stop Dating And Focus On Yourself: Stay Single For A Year And See The Results
My game on dating apps is extremely low and I don’t match with a lot of women, and out of the times that I match with women, most of my conversations with them just turn into ghosting marathons. My dating experience in the field isn’t any better either. Whenever I go out with friends, I rarely get to talk to girls and it’s a bit embarrassing to say it but I just don’t get laid.
Well, so one question that I would like to ask you is are you maybe too focused on women? I understand you want to have fun. You’re 24. Obviously, you want to get laid. Of course, you want to have a girlfriend. Of course, you want to meet a lot of women. But it seems to me that you’re very desperately focused on reaching that goal. Whenever we are super desperately focused on reaching a goal, it never happens, but then when you completely not focus on that goal, and you just go on with your life, you just do whatever is important to you aside from that goal, and you just live a happy life, all of a sudden that goal is becoming reachable.
So to give you an example: A few years ago I quit this very prestigious job in the Philippines for a very well-funded startup and my boss wanted to give me equity and to promote me to CPO. Basically, the highest leadership in the entire company. Same as a CTO but for product management. And I turned it down and then I moved to the beach. I started my beach life, my nomadic life, and I stopped working for a while. I didn’t work at all and I just focused on my personal goals, my personal growth, and that’s kind of how I slowly got into coaching, and creating content, and learning what works, and so on. Back then I was not yet a coach, but I wasn’t working at all and I wasn’t focused on my career, and I basically doubled and tripled my salary. I got better and better gigs with my job of product management, even though I turned down an incredibly prestigious job and then I stopped focusing on my career, but then my career improved. And that’s because I stopped focusing so much on work.
Instead, I focused on all of the other areas in my life that also mattered. Friends, family, my pets, my passion, surfing, and also just having the time and chilling a little bit more. I became a lot more laid back and because I got more laid back, then I was also a lot more productive with the things that I wanted to achieve because I wasn’t trying to force them so much anymore. It sounds to me that you’re trying to force a lot to meet these women, and so like you said, you have ghosting marathons, right? So all of these girls on dating apps, for example, they ghost you, right? Or in general, girls are just not interested to talk to you. And I think the reason why that is because you’re trying too hard.
So clearly, when a woman ghosts you, there are really just two reasons. Either you’ve been saying something that’s really turning her off, you’re just texting too much, or you’re trying too hard. She can tell that you’re trying to crack a joke that’s just too forced. Or she’s just generally not your vibe but if that just keeps on happening over and over, then it can’t be your vibe because the reality is… Some women will vibe with you, and some will not vibe with you. And you can’t even say what percentage. It’s just random. It’s just randomness. It depends on you as a person. Your variables. So for example, I think if you’re a super gothic person, obviously, you’re not gonna vibe with every person. If you’re super goth, right? But if you’re let’s say a more mainstream person, then you might vibe with more women, right?
So you get it. It depends on your personality. But if you’re not vibing with any woman at all, then I have a feeling you’re trying too hard. And that tells me that maybe you have to stop trying so hard and instead, just focus on yourself, rather than focusing so much on women. And perhaps you shouldn’t be dating at all. And you said that you go out with friends but then you try to talk to girls but it just doesn’t work. So perhaps you also need to stop talking to girls. I know if you want to go out and you want to go to a club, you always think “I’m going to talk to women. I’m going to meet a nice cute girl there. I’m gonna hit on her and then I’m gonna make out with her. Or I’m gonna take her to my place.”
Yeah, that’s nice as well, but sometimes you just gotta have some fun with your friends, have some fun with your bros, or other girls. You know sometimes when I was back in Manila it was so nice… We had this girl friend and she just knew all the bartenders. We always would get free drinks! Sometimes you just want to be friends, even with women who are your platonic friends, and then because you’re having fun, other women are taking notice that you’re having fun, instead of basically just standing in the corner and looking around thinking “Okay, what girl am I gonna approach?“
Instead, you’re just having a good time. You’re just having some drinks. You’re laughing. You’re chanting. You’re cracking jokes and whatever… And that’s energy! That’s positive energy! And when women can see that you just don’t care whether you’re getting laid or if you’re going to talk to a woman and you just dare to enjoy yourself, that’s really attractive! So again, perhaps you’re too focused on talking to girls. Once you stop trying to talk to girls, most likely, girls will talk to you.
Take A Break From Dating: The Harder You Try The Harder It Gets — Stop Chasing Women For Results
The biggest problem that I have is talking to women. Somehow I can never do it right and I lack the skills to keep them engaged. I don’t know what it is about other guys who are like naturally born flirting machines. But I just never have any success with this.
Well, again, it’s about trying too hard. Let me tell you a story about my friend… I mentioned this in my last video already. Anyway, my friend who is in Bangkok right now… He told me about his encounter with a girl, and he was sitting in a coffee shop and he checked her out. And he looked at her, and then she was apparently turned off or disgusted that he checked her out. And then he left that coffee shop. Well, before that he stopped looking at her first at a coffee shop and eventually left that coffee shop. He went to another coffee shop turns out that girl or that woman, she followed him, and then she talked to him, and then the next day they had or a few days later… whatever… They set up a date and he didn’t try at all, basically. He had kind of shown her that he’s interested in her… At least he checked her out. That’s not a big sign yet but you know… He looked at her, basically, and she apparently was into him but she was playing hard to get. But then she chased him because he didn’t really give a shit!
He’s actually busy with work right now. He is coding a lot right now and if you’re a coder, you don’t want to get disturbed, actually, and so he’s been telling me a lot about how too many friends in Bangkok are disturbing him right now and he’s happy when he has free time. And then he’s not thinking about women and tada! The woman appears and she asks him out on a date! That’s how it works, man. So these guys who have it so damn easy, it’s because they’re not trying at all. They’re just having fun. They’re just having a conversation. They’re just hanging out.
I used to live in this surf town in La Union, in the Philippines, a small surf town and you can just hang out there you can just work at the local coffee shop, have some good time, talk to the people there, talk to the baristas, maybe play some guitar, or balance on a balance board. Just have some fun and just not give a shit about anything and then it happens that there are some girls there who maybe know these people at the coffee shop. The baristas or whatever. And then they’re like: “Who’s this guy? I’ve never seen this guy and he seems pretty cool!” and all of a sudden you start talking to a woman. That’s how this works. Don’t try so hard. So those who are naturals, they just stop giving a shit about women. Maybe they never gave a shit about women in the first place. I can tell you I wasn’t born that way, but that’s how you have to feel, ultimately!
When You Can’t Get The Girl You Want: Why You Should Take A Break From A Relationship
I feel there’s something missing that I’m not getting. I’m not trying to be a total player and have a girl every single week. Honestly, all I’m asking for is to meet one nice girl and be in a relationship with her. But even that seems too high of an aspiration. I’m so frustrated with this. I tend to just stop using dating apps and then install them again after a while, but until today I still haven’t met the right girl that I click with. Could it be that I’m not attractive enough? Thanks a lot, Russell.
So again, as I said, it’s not that you’re not attractive enough! It’s because you’re trying too hard and you’re focused too hard on this. You just said it… You try Tinder or whatever dating apps… It doesn’t work… You’re disappointed… You uninstall it… And then you install it again, and it doesn’t work again. It reminds me of a friend of mine who would use a dating app, actually a language exchange app to meet girls from other countries. And it was just very obvious that he was pretty much wasting his time on these dating apps (language apps) and he was just looking for something to keep himself busy and to meet a nice girl. And it’s a language exchange app, right? It’s an app where you meet a woman from another country! That’s even more useless than meeting a woman on a dating app. If you think about it, on a dating app, you can actually hook up. But if you meet a woman on a language exchange app, you could maybe never meet this woman, right? It’s just about keeping yourself busy.
A lot of guys do something like this. They’re just looking for that emotional high, or that dopamine hit, right? So when you’re trying so hard on dating apps, I’m sure you’re also looking for that dopamine hit. You’re like match, match! I got a girl! And now we’re talking! And now she wants to go on a date! Obviously, it feels so good when you can tell that a woman is into you and this is probably also why a lot of women just don’t respond to us on dating apps, right? They just have so many guys swiping and when they need a dopamine hit they just swipe right once. Oh, there’s a guy who likes me! That’s how it works with women, right? And maybe you’re looking for that dopamine hit.
So perhaps you have to stop focusing on that dopamine hit and when you stop using those dating apps you should really stop dating and instead focus on yourself. What’s important to your own goals? To you as a man? Like what kind of legacy do you want? Or like what kind of business do you want to build? What kind of empire do you want to build? I always talk about this with my best friend. Let’s build an empire! Let’s be amazing, dude! This is what’s super important for him and I. To set our mark on the world. To do something that we’re remembered for. And to be remembered for excellency. So he is an incredible guitarist and I’m really jealous of his skills! It’s insane! And you know, he wants to be known for this! And so he’s trying to set his mark with his music. I am setting my mark with this channel.
How are you setting your mark? How do you want to be remembered? What is it that you want to be proud of? Like if someone asks you “Hey what do you do for work?” or “Hey what are you passionate about?” or “What’s your biggest hobby?” or something like that… What is it that you can say? So for example, if someone would ask me “Hey what is it that you do?” Typically, on my channel, I always say “I help you unleash your confidence” but if some random stranger would ask me, I would probably say something like “I’m trying to help men live their best lives,” and that’s something really cool that I’m really proud of that’s important to me. And that’s my aura. That’s my energy. That’s what I’m all about as a person. I’m about growth, learning.
I recently had a chat with a guy on Instagram who follows my work on this channel and he reached out to me and gave me some compliments actually. So thanks for that. And he said that he’s working on himself and that he’s growing a lot and he asked me for some quick advice about some woman that he’s dating. Anyway, so he was really amazing. He’s 50 years old or something like that and he’s in his 50s roughly. And he’s working hard on himself. And I called him a personal growth warrior. And that’s how I see it! I want to make sure that there are lots of personal growth warriors! Men who want to grow, who want to improve themselves. That is my mark. And that’s what I’m busy with. And so that’s why I’ve been stuck in Germany for two years, not dating, and basically, no sex for two years because I knew if I’d date here in Germany, it’s pointless.
So now I’m flying back to Bali in three weeks from now. You would have thought that this would have driven me crazy to not have sex and not have a girlfriend for two years… Being stuck so far away from my entire social circle as well. Holy shit! But because I was so focused on my purpose, my passion, what I’m doing right now… Because of that, I didn’t give a shit and so now when I go back to Bali, I’ve been working on my business for so long. I’m so proud to go there and show people what I’ve been up to and then I can guarantee you the women are going to follow because they’re gonna see “Wow, this guy got his shit figured out!”
So you should stop dating! Do the same thing that I’ve been doing for the last two years. Stop dating. Stop focusing on women. Focus more on yourself! And I’m not telling you to not date for two years, obviously! That’s not the point that I’m trying to make here. The point that I’m trying to make is that once you start to focus on your goals and your desires that have nothing to do with women, women are going to be drawn and attracted to you because they’re going to be like “holy shit this guy is stable! This guy is trustworthy,” and a woman who trusts discovers her lust! So once a woman can trust you, she’s going to go crazy for you. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
