Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video, we’re going to talk about hot and cold, rejections, friend zoning, a lot of things. Happens to a lot of people, to a lot of men. And typically, the reason why it happens is because of insecurity, low self-esteem and not trusting yourself enough, and thinking that the woman might be turned off, or that there’s something wrong, or trying to push too much with the woman. Because you’re insecure and that then turns her off. So in this video, I have a message from a guy and things worked out quite nicely for him actually, in the beginning, but then he turned her off and the problem with turning a woman off is that it’s typically very small subtle details, a few small hiccups here and there’s, a few small fuckups and it could be over.
And if you don’t realize how insecure you are in certain ways, you might be saying a few small things here that you think that are not that bad but they are actually bad, or they’re stacking up, and eventually it becomes too much, and the woman realizes “This guy is kind of insecure” and then you get rejected. So let’s get into the message from the guy that I received.
No Confidence in Dating: Never Overvalue any Woman, No Matter How Gorgeous she is — or she’ll Pull Away
Hi coach, I need some urgent advice about an incredible girl that I dated but only very briefly about one and a half years ago. When we first me, our chemistry was just perfect. She’s one of those girls that only come along once every few years. Everything about both of us seemed to click. At first, because of lockdowns, we matched on Tinder and had really great conversations. We both work in a very similar field of work we had a lot of shared values in how we live our life, and well, to be honest, her body was 100 percent my dream body. I had never dated such a drop dead gorgeous woman who checked all the boxes. I just couldn’t believe my luck.
I just couldn’t believe my luck! That tells me that you don’t think that you deserve a woman like that. You know, some people… I saw this really funny tweet once from what was it, who’s the guy, a fellow coach or a fellow man in the in the manosphere who talks about dating, red pill dating. What’s his name? Richard Cooper. He had this funny tweet about this guy who said something like “I’m so lucky that I can’t believe that she married me” or something like that. So some men don’t have enough self-esteem and they put themselves just way too low in the social ladder and they believe that just because they found this perfect woman, it’s like a miracle come true.
And it’s almost like you don’t deserve this and that’s understandable to some extent when you are new to dating and you haven’t experienced enough, yet, that when you finally for the first time date this really hot woman, who just has all the right qualities, and she’s just smoking hot, it’s kind of natural, when you for example have sex for the first time, you wake up next to her, and you’re like “Oh my God I can’t believe that I’m waking up next to this woman.” It’s kind of understandable when you’re new to dating but you kind of have to normalize this. You have to realize that well, there’s a lot of women that are great like that and you could have this kind of luck 10, 20 more times, okay? So just something to mention. I know that she’s awesome but there are also other awesome women out there on the planet.
I don’t know if you ever dated someone where the conversation is just so easy and you don’t overthink how to keep the conversation going? That was the level on which we connected.
Yeah, that’s really awesome and this is probably also why you’re valuing this woman so much because it’s just super fucking easy. And these kind of connections with women are just amazing. They’re very rare when you just don’t give a shit but the conversation just keeps on flowing. And it’s just perfect. It’s amazing. Because we don’t… even if you are confident you don’t always vibe perfectly with every woman and with some women you just can’t have good conversations, or you just don’t have the right topics to talk about because you’re very different. So it must be really great for you and this is probably also where your insecurity is coming from because you don’t want to lose this woman.
Hot and Cold Behavior Psychology: If she Liked you at First & Goes Cold Later On, Then it was your Behavior
So I was really excited to see her for real. I won’t lie I was jumping mentally at the thought of seeing her. We both work online and we both live in San Diego. She’s living downtown, I’m further out in the suburbs. When restrictions started to ease we both wanted to go out and work at some cafes by the beach and get back to having some much needed, in quote, “relaxation” by just being able to do people watching. The first time we met was great! We just spent the day at a coffee shop at Ocean Beach. It was super fun and we were teasing each other a lot. Everything was going great and after hanging out a few times I invited her to my place, after we worked at a cafe, to “cook something”…
So that’s kind of funny. He didn’t put it in quotes but I put it in quotes. He says he invited her to “cook something” so he’s actually doing something really great here. The connection is great. The girl likes him. And he just has to say “let’s come over” and you can come up with any bullshit excuse. When the woman likes you, you could say anything. You could say “hey let’s cook“, “hey you wanna check out my VR“, “hey you wanna see my whatever collection” of whatever freaking cool collection that you have. There’s so many reasons why you could invite a woman over and they don’t even give a shit about it. They just need a good excuse to come over.
It reminds me of this really funny scene from Breaking Bad. Recently, I re-binged the Breaking Bad series. Really great series! And there’s this one episode in Breaking Bad, I’m not sure which season, maybe two, or three, where Jesse, this junkie, he just moved into a new house and the house is completely empty. And next to him the landlord is this cute hot girl and there’s a little bit of tension there. They could be dating because they’re both kind of the same age and then eventually he asked “yo, you wanna just come over to my house? I got this cool big ass TV screen.” and so she comes to his house and it’s basically empty.
Just this big TV screen and then they just stare at this TV screen and it’s really fucking retarded if you think about it, and it’s hilarious, because there’s nothing in the house and he just invites her over to look at the TV screen, which doesn’t even have signal. So then the episode ends with them just staring at the black TV screen and eventually then, they at the end of the episode, they hold hands. So it’s really funny and it illustrates quite well how if a woman likes you, if she has attraction, especially if it’s high attraction, you could come up with any kind of bullshit reason to invite her over to your place.
So cooking, something like he did, is a great excuse because you can do something, it’s fun, let’s eat! It’s a healthy dinner. You can bond while you’re cooking as well, and well, then after that you can seduce her and she probably knows that it’s gonna happen, right? So good job on suggesting, whatever, to do cooking. And it worked.
God, you can’t imagine how perfect her body was! To be honest, I was a bit nervous, but eventually I seduced her. It’s a good thing I bought some wine the day before. The sex that night was amazing! Her body was just pure perfection.
Nice, so here he did all the things right. This woman is just fucking smoking hot and he’s probably having the sex of his life, which probably also means that now he is kind of in a new realm of dating. So obviously, if you try something for the very first time you’re going to be insecure and you don’t know how to do something, right? So whatever it is if you’re trying to do, a new job, or if you’re trying to post music covers on youtube, or whatever it is in the beginning, you’re going to suck at it and you’re going to be insecure about it. That’s why I always say “those who repeat succeed“.
So we’re gonna go into his message and we’re gonna see that it didn’t work out for him with this woman. So that’s why he in this case, needs to repeat to succeed. So if you level up your game with dating, eventually it’s just bound to happen that you’re going to feel a bit insecure about dating this much hotter woman than you’ve dated in the past and so you have to, again, normalize dating hot women.
Male Insecurities in Dating: When she Pulls Away, Don’t Chase More — She’ll Be Back if she Liked You!
After this is when things got worse very fast. It was really surprising how fast she lost attraction for me. The next morning we had breakfast and everything was fine. I asked her to hang again at the coffee shop and if she wanted to, she could just get some of her stuff and stay here again overnight, to which she said “I can’t. I have a lot of work to do today and I also need to do my laundry first. Maybe tomorrow.
So this is where he’s starting to screw up. Everything was fine. She really fucking likes him, they just had fantastic sex last night and now he’s the one who’s saying “hey hey, when are we gonna meet up again?” It should be her idea to. Such as “hey I want to see you again” but she hasn’t even left your place yet and you’re already pushing to meet up again and “hey, get your stuff” and you’re not really saying it like that but to her it sounds like “hey, you know, why don’t you move in with me? Why didn’t you get some of your stuff and stay overnight?” That should be her choice and her idea but you’re basically forcing it on her. You’re not forcing it on her but that’s how it feels to her so that’s why she’s giving you the “maybe tomorrow” and does she have to do some laundry and she can’t come over? Like, does she really have no clothes left that she could bring? I mean she’s a woman! It’s I would say, it’s probably very improbable that she doesn’t have enough clothes because I think we men, we are more likely to just pile up our laundry but I think a woman probably wouldn’t do that. So just maybe a reality check there.
When she left I asked her when we would see each other again. I felt kind of weird like she was being evasive, which I had never seen from her before because we usually get along so well, and she’s been so much into me the whole time.
If she’s been into you the whole time while you were not pushing for things, so first you ask “hey are we gonna hang out again and you want to stay overnight” and then she basically turns you down and then when she leaves you ask “when am I going to see you again?” basically, insecurity. She can tell “oh this guy wants to really see me again” Now, I’m not doubting that you have great connection. Everything has been going great so far but now she’s seeing after one night with you, you’re becoming a bit needy and since you’re just starting out to date, that scares her.
Obviously, if you would have been dating for a longer time, and you’ve had sex multiple times, and you’re basically already getting towards relationship territory, something like this would not be so bad as a question. She would probably be happy to hear this, but now she’s still trying to make up her mind about you. Are you confident, strong, masculine? Can you give her the security that she needs or not? A woman who trusts discovers her lust and right now you’re showing her some signs that maybe she can’t trust you because you have some weak and needy signs here.
So anyway, after that our texting became really awkward. I felt as if we were losing our connection, so I tried to keep the conversation going with her but she wasn’t as responsive as before. She would only reply to how I would start our conversation and that’s it.
So basically, you are the one who’s always initiating the conversation, and then she just gives you, I’m assuming, like one liners. She is only trying to please you, essentially. She is busy, maybe. Or maybe she’s not that attracted to you right now. She wants her space. Then you’re reaching out. She’s not getting her space but what can she do? She can’t just ignore you. She can’t be rude, either. So she’s gonna give you the least effort message that she can give you without disappointing you. It should be her idea to message you. So this is basically your third time now that you are trying to facilitate for more connection and it should be the woman who facilitates the connection.
We still hung out one more time and I even invited her to my place once again after going to the gym, to have dinner. But we just cooked dinner and that’s it. After that she told me that she had to go home, so I asked her if something was wrong and I kind of pressed on why she’s acting so cold with me and if I did something wrong.
That’s insecure. You’re needing validation.
To which she replied ‘no it’s nothing. I just started to think that maybe we should just be friends.’
So you’re throwing another insecure thing. If you would have just taken things a little bit more slowly, taking your time, giving her a bit of space, because she clearly has been losing attraction. She probably would have come back and initiated the conversation with you again but now it’s not just that you are hanging out with her when she doesn’t have high attraction for you but you’re pushing like ‘”hey what’s what’s up? Is there a problem? I really like you. I want to be in a relationship with you, please tell me that everything’s okay. Please tell me that there’s nothing wrong with me.” and that basically doesn’t exactly scream masculine strength. So that’s why she now tells you “I just want to be friends” because it’s the only route how she can go now.
It’s like she dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere. I really did not expect this to happen. I was very confused but I didn’t really know how to respond, so I just agreed to it but of course, I really was not happy about it. What really sucked was that even though she told me that she just wanted to be friends, she still talked to me although not as much as before. We even hung out one more time. I thought if I would respect her wishes and would give it a bit of time she would change her mind but it didn’t happen. If anything, I feel she just relied more on the friendship between us. I read up on being friend zoned by a girl and eventually I sent her a message saying “hey I know you just want to be friends but I think you know how I feel about you. I don’t think I can be friends with you. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from and you’re not mad if I unfriend you.
So that’s the right thing to do. She basically started to treat you like a convenience and once you go down that route, it’s over. Now you’re setting your boundaries saying “hey I can’t be friends let’s not stay in touch anymore” and yeah you cut off contact. The only thing you can do if she keeps on using your friendship probably for convenience. She probably gets some small favors and stuff like that from here and there. She can ask for something, or advice, whatever.
Girl Acting Hot & Cold: When a Girl Goes Hot and Cold she Feels your Low Self Confidence — Until you Leave
She agreed politely and that was that. We then didn’t talk to each other for a few weeks which is when she started sending me a few really random messages. I was kind of elated but also confused. She just basically checked in on me and how things were going. We just talked for a short while and since I didn’t want to be put in the friend zone I kept it at that.
Well, you know, she reaches out to you so it’s a sign that she still has some interest. She didn’t trust you to be her boyfriend or get closer towards a relationship or at least even just have sex one more time. Because she thought you’re more friends material but now she’s kind of changing her mind so that would be the time to maybe give it another shot, possibly. And if then she’s still the same, okay bye!
I then saw her a few times at the cafe where we both used to work but we didn’t talk to each other, which was super weird but one of the last times when I saw her there she actually came over to me when I was waiting outside for an Uber. I was really surprised we had a good conversation. I told her a bit about what I was up to and told her that I had plans to visit San Antonio for a while and work a bit from there. I didn’t talk to her for very long since my Uber had arrived and I had to go.
So as you can tell she’s reaching out again. Now roles are reversed as soon as he stops pushing, as soon as he, well, basically says “okay I’m out of here. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” She realizes probably “Oops, I messed up. He was kind of nice things. Were nice in the beginning. Maybe I can be forgiving to him. I really liked him. Maybe he just had a bad time. Maybe just felt insecure back then, who knows why.” She liked you so she wants to give it another shot but you’re actually not realizing it, so that’s a bit of a bummer.
After that I hadn’t heard from her for like over a year. Honestly, I had already forgotten about her. I just had accepted that things with her wouldn’t work out and I was already going on dates and matching with other women on Tinder.
Nice! That’s exactly what you should do. Don’t be hung up on a woman if it didn’t work out if you turned her off for whatever reason. If it’s her fault or if it’s your fault it really does not matter. What matters is that the woman is not attracted to you. So thank you, next! And if she comes back in the in the future then you can try it again. No problem, right? I mean we do this all the time. We shouldn’t be upset if a woman decides that we are not the right one for her in the moment because there could be tens of thousands of variables for that. What matters is her attraction for you in the moment and when the attraction is there and if she hasn’t fucked you over in some way, then you try to make it work again. So good job going on dates and being on tinder. And basically just having fun and maybe you will find someone else who is just as great as she is because now you’ve leveled up your dating game. You dated this really hot woman so maybe you’re a bit more confident to try to date a hot woman again.
When she Asks How Are You: After you Failed, A Low Value Man Chased her — but you Kept your Dignity
But then out of the blue just completely out of nowhere she just sends me a message on Whatsapp saying “Hey, how are you?
That’s it. That’s all she sends. She’s quite direct I have to say. Typically when a woman messages you she has some bullshit reason. She will interject something like “hey I saw your car” or “hey I was thinking about you” or “I saw a post from you” or something like that. There’s tons of reasons. Tens of thousands of reasons why she could say that she’s messaging you. But this woman here she’s just saying “Hey, how are you?” So she’s like “yo, I wanna get to… I wanna talk to you again” basically. It’s like super obvious!
At first I really didn’t know what to say.
Insecurity! Because like I just told you this woman wants to get to know you again. It’s so fucking obvious! So he didn’t know what to say, but anyway…
I told her what I had been up to. Our conversation was kind of back to how it was before she lost interest in me. It was smooth. No big effort to keep the conversation going. I told her I was about to go back to San Diego in two months and said we should hang out when I am back, to which she said yes.
Halle-fucking-lujah! That’s exactly how it should be. If you turn her off, you give her space, eventually most of the time she will come back again. Same thing if you’re trying to get an ex back. Women will always come back and try out their previous romantic partners to see if they can make it work again and especially with your case, even though you only had sex one time, you haven’t even been in a relationship, the chemistry was so strong. She just wants to give it another shot and you made the right call here to say “hey, let’s hang out” and you’re not even asking for it now. You’re saying it very confidently because you’re probably not that hung up on this woman anymore. Because you’re already dating other women. You basically forgot her in the, what was it… one and a half years or something like that since you talked to her. So you’re like “yeah it’s nice if we get to hang out again” but you can also hang out with other people.
Your life has continued and that’s a great thing that he did! A lot of men don’t do that. They stay hung up on the woman. They don’t start dating. They pity themselves. They don’t focus on themselves and they kind of become a bit depressed, and sad, and frustrated, and obviously, if you just occupy your mind with a lot of negative thoughts then you’re always going to be very needy and when then your ex or the woman that you talk to, you liked, then when she comes back you will be very insecure. But you did all the right things here. So you kept yourself busy. Probably work, dating and exploring San Antonio. So it’s a good job. Good job! Unleash the king within!
I then sent her a message the next day about something we had talked about the day before.
So you’re messaging her again. You literally… she has reached out to you after whatever, one year or something like that. And now you feel like you need to message her again the next day already. I get it. You feel like okay, you just re-established contact so now would be a good time to reach out again but well, first of all, you just talked. But second of all, you already suggested “hey I’m gonna be back in San Diego in two months from now.”
Two months is not that long so now you could actually build some anticipation and she already knows what to expect. She knows you told her “hey in two months when I am back, let’s hang out.” She’s excited. She wants that. She wants to get to know you again but then here you go messaging the next day again so it goes back to low self-esteem to some extent. You’re probably thinking “okay, I screwed it up in the past, let me make it right.” But by making it right or trying to make it right you’re actually making it worse.
She had told me that her back was hurting. So I sent her a picture of one of those small foam balls and said they work great for me and that she should try them.
It’s really contrived, basically. It’s like you’re essentially being the knight in shining armor. Like she told you that she has some problems with her back, I guess and now you’re like “oh look I found this what is it… these small, these tiny foam balls” that you also use for yoga and stuff like that. I typically use those for my foot actually but I guess you can use them for your back as well. And you know, it’s like “Look here! I’m here to help you! Please, here’s my suggestion how you can fix your back problems.” It’s not sexy.
The conversation we had about that was really awkward and eventually we just stopped messaging and ever since then I have never heard from her again.
Yeah, exactly, because she can tell that you’re just insecurely trying to score some points with her. You already scored some points because she started to miss you and then she reaches out. You do everything right by saying “hey let’s meet up in two months from now.” So yeah everything’s good. That’s perfect. She’s happy and now she can tell this is weird like this. The way that you’re trying to interject yourself into her life again. “Look here I found this foam ball that you can use to fix your back.” If the conversation would be flowing and everything would be fine and you would be, you know, she would be attracted to you, you’re dating, then it’s totally fine, obviously, to message your girlfriend or the woman that you’re dating.
Like when she tells you “Hey I had a problem with my back” and then you sent her this “hey look try this foam ball.” No problem! But this one is very awkward. Even your sending is this the next day, it’s basically just to keep the conversation going. She can tell. And that’s kind of weird.
So he has never heard from her again since then. I don’t know what I should do now. I just got back to San Diego and I don’t know how to ask her out. She agreed to go out again but I just can tell that she is not into me again. It’s like it is one step forward, three steps back. What can I do? We had such great chemistry in the beginning and I want that back but I just can’t seem to figure out how.
Well, you have to create chemistry whenever you’re not insecure and when you don’t doubt yourself. So when you say “one step forward, three steps back” it’s like she is taking one step forward and you’re the one who’s taking three steps backwards because you’re doing a lot of these needy small things that turn her off. And you say it yourself: You had great chemistry! Everything was perfect. The conversations were just completely, excuse me, completely natural. So I always have these two sayings that are really important for you.
Number one: “If she can deceive she will leave.” Meaning: If she can tell that she can kind of play you and manipulate you, if there’s too much power on her side she doesn’t want to be with you because she wants to be with a strong man who can protect her. But if she knows that you will just basically be there for her whenever she needs something, like you literally did here, you suggested the next day how she can solve her back problems. She doesn’t like that. Obviously, a woman wants you to take care of her but she doesn’t want to feel like you’re only doing that for her approval. It’s really not sexy because she knows that you’re just doing it because you’re insecure. And she knows she can manipulate you and get whatever she wants.
The second thing with women is “a woman who trusts discovers her lust“. I said this earlier already but basically whenever she can tell that you’re insecure and whenever you’re asking for approval she can’t trust you because why would a woman want to be with a man where she doesn’t feel safe around him. Let’s say something goes wrong in life or she has a fight with someone. With her family members. With important friends. And she’s at her lowest, at her worst, that’s when she needs you but can she trust you? Well, who knows. I don’t know. She thinks she can’t. So what you should do is tone it down. Take a step back and give her the space and wait for her to reach out again, hopefully, and then when she does that, that’s when you go on the date like suggested. And then don’t push for anything. Just let her come to you. Never ask when are we gonna meet up. And never ask about “hey what’s this and when can I see you?” or “wanna stay over?” This kind of stuff. Don’t do this. It’s not gonna work out if you do it like this, all right?
So that is my advice. I hope that was helpful. Let me know in the comments what you think. Did you like this? Do you agree with this take or maybe you don’t? Of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my channel and if you need some more help there’s a few ways how I can help you. First of all, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” on Amazon. It talks a lot about this, discovery and discovering your masculine strength, not being so needy and insecure and having more self-esteem. You can also enroll into my “Confidence King” training program or my “Financial Freedom King” program, and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And with that I will see all of you kings in the next video.
