Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Today’s topic is about getting blocked, and getting unblocked by an ex. This happens every now and then if your ex is very unsure about you. She doesn’t really know what to think about you if you hurt her a lot. Especially if maybe she’s young and she hasn’t dealt with a lot of breakups yet. So I have a situation from a guy who has been blocked, unblocked, he’s very young, and I want to talk about some principles with relationships and also in blocking and unblocking, in general. And I also just apologize if I’m a little bit emotional with this video. I just saw some videos earlier about the destruction in Siargao and I just feel for my friends who must be very traumatized.
When Your Ex Blocks You And Unblocks You: Is She An Emotional Wreck? Use The No Contact Rule?
Hi coach, me and my ex only just broke up. We were a long-distance, but still in the same country, so only a two-hour flight distance. We were in the relationship since about May 2020. We facetimed and audio called all the time across the space we were together. A lot of emotions were between us and we connected with each other so well. I am 17 years old and she is 16. We planned our future and all the things we wanted to do together, including meeting for the first time. It has been a massive struggle lately to keep my daily life up because this girl meant a lot to me.
So for context, we have to acknowledge that he is very young. They are both very young. 17. 16. It might be that this is their first relationship ever. So everything they’re going through right now has no context and so I’m going to give a lot of context for you in this video to understand that you have to have a bit perspective on how life works, how relationships work, so you understand how you can move forward with this.
The thing is, she broke up with me in July 2021. So the relationship, when it was its strongest, was from the starting date of May 2020 to July 2021. She blocked me on everything in July and has played the game of unblocking and blocking because she didn’t know what she wanted and kept missing the crap out of me every time until about October 2021 when we got back together officially.
So the reason why she probably unblocked and blocked every now and then is because she can’t really deal with the emotions. Maybe she is mad if you did something really bad, but more likely, probably just can’t deal with the pain. Maybe she’s also doing it because she wants to get an emotional reaction out of you and if you think about it, it doesn’t make sense to block someone to get an emotional reaction but she might think irrationally that maybe you’re going to reach out. Maybe you’re going to pay notice pay attention to this. There are all kinds of reasons why she might block you. You shouldn’t pay a lot of attention to this. Just wait until she unblocks you.
Getting Back Together Too Soon: Getting An Ex Girlfriend Back Starts With Fixing Your Insecurities
The emotions and all the connections we had from the longest time we were together, started to come back and things were going so well between us. The 15th of December 2021 marked when we were back together for two months but on the 16th, the day after we had an argument, and I was panicking because I was scared that I was going to lose her. So I started to show all my emotions to her which probably overwhelmed her a bit and the day after that she blocked me and everything, and said that she can’t do this and all that stuff she said previously and came back because she knew it felt different without me.
So the important thing that I want to mention for this video is actually not necessarily about how to get an ex back. Yes, that is important, but as you can see, getting an ex back is not the thing that you have to do. And most of you watching this video, don’t just need to focus on getting an ex back. You actually need to focus on how can you resolve your conflict because if you get back together and you haven’t worked on yourself, you’re just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over. And you’re going to be unhappy. And eventually, you’re going to break up as you did. So obviously, your ex is really disappointed right now. So you have to understand a few important concepts about relationships, especially in the context of breakups.
So one important thing: You’re very young. You’re 16. You’re 17. She’s 16. One thing that a lot of people don’t understand when they are young, but even also older people in their 20s, or late 30s might not understand how important this is: That criticism and conflict in a relationship are actually important. You shouldn’t avoid it. So you had an argument and you clearly could not reconcile the issue and you then got kind of insecure and you screwed up a lot. When you have an argument with your partner, that is always an opportunity to understand each other better. So there are a few things that I can recommend you to understand how to resolve conflicts in relationships that are very easy. Number one: You could try something called the parroting technique.
Developing Relationship Communication Skills: Learning To Communicate With Your Girlfriend
The way that parroting works is, this is actually very common from therapy, that you have one person who has an issue, then you have another person who has an issue, and then typically you have a therapist or someone outside listener who listens to the situation. And then parrots it back in their own terms. The way that they understand it. And you can do it the same way. So when your ex, for example, tells you something when you have an argument, you try to reiterate to her what you think you’ve heard. What you’re going to discover is that probably, you are misunderstanding what she’s saying. So you’re going to think that, for example, she’s talking about you are not cleanly enough, you’re not cleaning up properly, or you’re not spending enough time together, or you’re not listening to her, but when you then reiterate it to her, maybe she’s actually trying to tell you something completely different.
So simply by telling her “Hey babe, I’m going to say back what I think I heard from you because I want to make sure I understand you.” And then you tell her that, she might realize that you don’t really understand what she’s telling you. And then she can clarify that. And then you can talk about this without getting into arguments. Because a lot of the arguments actually stem from the fact that we don’t understand each other properly.
Another thing that you can do is you can start by talking with the “I” instead of the “You.” So, for example, instead of saying “you need to listen better,” you can say “I feel like I’m not being heard.” That is a slight difference, of course, it’s still kind of criticism, but it doesn’t put the blame on your partner. So both you and your ex, you need to learn this communication skill to not attack each other when you’re having conflict. So I’ll give you an example of something that you could say.
For example, step number one: “I feel upset…” Step number two: Why do you feel upset? “I feel upset because you came home two hours too late than you said you would…” and then you will say how you feel and then step number three is: “I feel neglected because I thought you were going to be there because I needed you tomorrow and I have an important day tomorrow.” And then the third thing that I want to go into is actually just a recommendation for a book, or any kind of book from John Gottman.
John Gottman is the founder of the Gottman Institute. They study relationships a lot and they have one important concept that I find really interesting, or actually two, I guess. The four horsemen: Which basically suggests most relationships that fail are because they have a lot of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And what typically happens is this: Couples basically become too antagonistic. They criticize themselves too much and then they basically fight instead of just trying to understand each other. And so what I just mentioned earlier, the “I” statement, “I feel” instead of “You did“, they actually call this a soft start if I’m not mistaken. So basically, just to start the conversation a little bit more softly without putting so much blame and judgment on the other partner.
So I highly recommend reading a book by John Gottman. They have so many books on marriage and how to maintain healthy relationships and all the things that they’ve discovered in their long-term studies. Great books! Any book from them is good! Probably, “seven principles to make a marriage work“, and “the science of trust” is also great and “what makes love last” These are all great books to read. So essentially, the important thing that I want to bring home here is you can do no contact and so on and wait for her to come back, and it might happen, it can most likely happen if you just don’t contact her. She’s very young. So right now she doesn’t really understand so much about your breakup. She hasn’t had many breakups. So she probably misses you a lot, but obviously, it didn’t work out when you got back together. So you need to fix that thing and you could actually tell your ex, especially because you are very young.
So I think in your case it would work because you’re very young. You’re essentially still teenagers. If you might be 30, or 40, that might not work so well anymore, but with someone at your age it might actually play in your favor if you apologize to her. You tell her that you talked to a relationship coach. You tell her that you want to read a relationship book and you want to figure out how you can communicate better. She might actually really appreciate that. If you get older your ex might not appreciate this so much because honestly, she can just probably find another man who can make her happier because she already knows what she wants. She’s already met a lot of bad guys that don’t make her happy but right now your ex, you both, you’re very young. She probably hasn’t met a lot of guys who disappointed her a lot. So if you play your cards right and you show her that you want to do better, then you can probably turn this situation around.
I wouldn’t suggest typically reaching out to an ex but maybe a tiny small hint might work in this situation. You just tell her “Hey I talked to a relationship coach and I just want to do things better. I want to learn. I heard about these principles how to make relationships better and how to communicate better.” And I wouldn’t write a lot. Only make this one paragraph. Maybe five lines, or something like that. Nothing that basically is longer than one smartphone screen. It could be really short, basically. But you don’t necessarily have to do that. But it might help in your new situation.
No Contact Rule After An Argument: Always Keep Using The No Contact Rule After Being Blocked
I haven’t heard from her since the recent blocking, which was the 17th of December. I am really scared that I will never be able to contact her again even though it’s still very early and raw after the breakup. I still think we were meant to be and there is something left between us.
So that’s something important also to remember, okay? First of, all it’s been three days since she blocked you again. So don’t sweat it. Don’t overreact. It could take a long time until she unblocks you. Maybe you will never get unblocked but maybe you run into her in the future, who knows. But most likely she’s going to unblock you again because she seems very emotional right now. She doesn’t really know how to process it. It doesn’t seem like you’ve done something super awful, at least from what I’ve heard that would warrant her to block you, because you’re toxic, or you’re dangerous, or you scare her, or you really did really, really mean things. I don’t think you did that. So just give it time. But it’s also important that you understand something:
You said: “You think that you were meant for each other“… Unfortunately, I have to burst the bubble. Nobody is meant for each other. This is actually one of the biggest reasons why relationships fail because they believe that there is “the one” There are actually studies on this that… I forgot the exact number, maybe 78% or so of all people believe that there are soul mates, but the problem is that this is not how relationships work. Relationships are actual work and the Gottman Institute that I just mentioned earlier, they actually discovered that 75% of all couples that seek counseling, they actually fix their relationship problems. So thinking that someone is the one is the wrong approach to relationships because you can definitely find another woman who will make you happy in the future. And so I wouldn’t pause my life for this girl. She’s probably the first woman who ever meant a lot to you. I’m not saying that she’s not important. I’m not saying that it’s not worthwhile getting back together. But you can also get together with another woman and make it work with her, and likewise, if you get back with your ex, if you don’t learn how to communicate and get out of this mindset of someone is “the one“…
No, nobody’s meant for you. Nobody is perfect for you. Conflict is part of a relationship, and part of a relationship is figuring out how to deal with that conflict and how to communicate in a way that doesn’t hurt each other and to understand each other better. So that you can then get together and actually come together stronger after you had your misunderstanding and then understand your partner better. It’s really important. So you have to understand this and don’t pause your life for this girl just because she means a lot to you. Go on with your life. Unleash the king within. Focus on yourself. Like I said, read some relationship books. If it doesn’t help with her, it’s going to help with another relationship in the future. It’s super important because the same things that you’re going to repeat with her, that you repeated already with her, you’re going to repeat them with the next girlfriend.
Because typically, we choose similar partners over and over based on our thought patterns, our behavior patterns, our attachment styles. It’s just human nature. It is what we do. So for example, I don’t know if that is the case but let’s say you might have an anxious attachment style, then you might seek out avoidant people. People with avoidant attachment styles. It’s just a common pattern that we seek these dualities, these polarities. They seek each other out. It has been studied. So the more that you educate yourself on these principles and understand yourself better, the healthier your relationships will become, whether that is with your ex or with another woman. And it’s all about doing hard work together as a couple to become happy.
Blocked By Ex GF: If Your Ex Girlfriend Blocks And Unblocks You, It’s Her Who Needs To Reach Out
I have watched a couple of your videos and they are helpful. I just really want to know anything I can do to help myself and to give me an outline of what is happening. I don’t know if you will respond to this cause this is more one on one coaching, but if you do, thanks a lot. I have hope she will contact me again and try and work it out but I just hope she does.
So, first of all, yes, like I said: Just wait for her to unblock you. You could maybe just send her a message that you are remorseful and that you’re trying to learn from your mistakes about your communication issues. Obviously, you don’t want to freak out as you did in the past, and next time when you have conflict you have to talk about it in different ways. Parroting especially I think is the easiest way to get started. Just repeat what she tells you, so that you can show her you’re trying to do the work, and that you can see you both don’t understand each other properly. There’s nothing wrong with that. Two different people will always never 100% understand each other. We can’t read minds.
As I said: There is no “the one” and it’s just not realistic that anyone has that perfect compatibility where you just know what your partner is thinking, especially not between men and women, because we’re so different in how we are wired. Okay, the other thing that I mentioned is read a relationship book. You can read my book. You can check the description for that, or you can also read a book from, for example, especially someone like John Gottman because that is very, very helpful.
There are also other relationship books like “the five love languages” They’re very simple though. I think books from John Gottman are much more geared toward your specific issue of having to figure out how to communicate better and so lastly, what I want to encourage you and everybody who has been watching this video is like you say, this was basically like a coaching session but you got free advice.
