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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about no contact and the harsh realization that you need to recognize it is over. This happens with a lot of guys that it slowly spirals more out of control. Often, you can tell that there’s something off in the relationship. You know that your girlfriend is not happy. Maybe you are insecure, or maybe you’re becoming insecure because she’s not happy. Maybe you already first were insecure, and then that made her unhappy, but you can tell there is something off. And then over time, you grow more distant, and maybe you don’t hang out as much anymore, maybe you don’t spend as much time anymore, maybe you’re not acting like a couple anymore. It gets worse and worse, and she eventually leaves, of course, but you haven’t accepted that the breakup actually happened. And you’re not ready yet to start, refresh, and start new, or at the very least rebuild your strength. Because ultimately you gotta rebuild strength because otherwise, your ex doesn’t want you back.
And this can get twice as bad if she then also starts dating someone new. Because maybe if this has been going on for a while, then she made up her mind to leave you for quite some time. Maybe you weren’t ready for it yet, and then you see her dating some new guy after let’s say one month, well, maybe one month is too soon… That’s not maybe a rebound, but yeah, it’s a bit weird… One month, two months, three months, and you can see she’s dating some new guy already. It really hurts! And that, of course, makes it much harder to rebuild yourself. But it has to be done anyways! Even if you see her with some other guy, you gotta stay strong. You are a king. You can do this. And that’s ultimately how you prove to her that she made a mistake. That the new guy sucks. And that you are incredible. So let me go through a message from a guy who has basically, been kind of neglecting his girlfriend. I guess you could say he has been retreating in a sense. He’s felt insecure, eventually, they broke up, and now she is dating some new guy, and he’s really struggling a lot with this. So let’s see what is my advice.
Why She’s Dating Someone New: Did You Push Her Into The Arms Of Another Man?
Coach, I need your help with my ex. I don’t know what I should do. I messed up and I drove her into the arms of another guy.
That tells you a lot, actually. If you drove her into the arms of another guy, well, basically just don’t keep on driving her into the arms of another guy. Because what if that other guy actually really sucks? Very often, your girlfriend, your ex, just broke up because of you. It was you who made the mistakes. So the other guy might not actually be a better choice, but in the moment, he seemed like a better choice, because you did something insecure. So you drove her into his arms. So ultimately, all you got to do is just stop doing the shit that drove her into this guy’s arms. And if you are no longer insecure, if you no longer make her feel kind of uncertain around you, and feeling and being around you makes her feel very insecure, and kind of feel awkward, or just kind of like trapped in something that she doesn’t want, once you’re no longer that kind of guy, then you’re not gonna drive her into the arms of another guy. And then if the other guy sucks, well, she’s gonna come back.
Complacent With An Ex Girlfriend: When Your Ex Is Dating Someone New Because You Were Too Weak
My ex broke up with me three months ago because I got really, really complacent. I spent the last months of our relationship gaming way too much. I actually used it as kind of a retreat tactic because I was feeling insecure in the relationship, and just in general, wasn’t going in the right direction with my life. Instead of going out with her, I’d play games, and then because she was frustrated, she spent time with her friends. I didn’t realize back then how bad this was, but it created a huge distance between us.
Well, whenever you are essentially not acting like a couple in the relationship, you should always question this, because why the heck would you even be in a relationship if you are like two strangers or two people who just have no passion? I can always see this when I am out on about and I can just tell when a couple is not into each other. So actually, in Bali where I live now, there’s this thing called the “Bali Curse,” which is this notion that if couples go to Bali, they will see all of these other hot people and they will break up because there’s too much temptation. Or after they went to Bali, they realized “I can do better,” and then they break up. And so sometimes I see these couples here, they are at these coffee shops, and Bali is a beautiful place. You should be just incredibly elated, just happy when you’re here, especially with your girlfriend or boyfriend. And you see them at the coffee shops or walking around, and they’re not holding hands. There’s just no spark in their eyes, and they’re just there because they have to. It’s like it’s a duty. But you can tell that there’s no passion left.
And why would you want to be in a relationship like this? So if you can tell that you are no longer acting like a couple, that’s huge trouble on the horizon. It’s a guarantee that you’re gonna break up eventually, and yes, at some point, you can tell that there’s this distance, and then the problem is that a lot of guys, they don’t know what to do about it. But if you can tell there’s distance, then you gotta take action. You gotta tell her how you feel and tell her you wanna rejuvenate this. You don’t even necessarily have to tell her. You just take action. You do something that you used to do in the past. Then she’s going to really appreciate this, and then you bring back the passion. Once she appreciates what you do for her, she’s probably going to fuck you like crazy again. Then you slowly get back to normal. Obviously, retreating because you feel insecure is the worst outcome, or the worst thing that you could do. It’s not a good strategy. And it’s just gonna make it worse.
Power Imbalance Before The Breakup: When Your Ex Girlfriend Is More Successful Than You
My work has been very stressful in the last months and I stopped socializing and I did not pay enough attention to her. The gaming was just one of many symptoms. So it spiraled out of control because since I didn’t pay attention to my ex, she started paying attention to her friends, her hobbies, and exploring new things. And then I kind of felt backed into a corner. When I finally realized that she didn’t feel comfortable around me any longer, she started to socialize more, while I on the other hand have been socializing less and less.
And I just spent my evenings at home, whereas she would go see her friends. This made me very insecure and I became easily irritated as well. I let out my insecurities on her. I’m not saying I was a bad boyfriend, abusive, or anything like that, but I just wasn’t the guy she fell in love with anymore. While I wasn’t abusive, I became insecure and aggressive too often. So our relationship went from normal and happy, to distant and also me being too easily irritated in less than six months.
So I don’t want to mention too much here. I think you already know the problem here, but one thing that’s really interesting that you say, how you end the sentence here, is that all of this happened in less than six months. You know what it tells you? You can also shift this back around again in less than six months. So a lot of guys actually don’t realize how easy it is to make a woman happy. The problem is the negative emotions. All the negative shit, like you distancing yourself. Then she goes out more with friends, you become more insecure and aggressive, all of these things don’t happen overnight, right? It’s all like one domino piece after another, slowly falling until you then push over the book, or whatever, right. So it takes some time, but you can also rebuild this relatively quickly, because the thing is, we are really good at focusing on the positive stuff in our lives.
Not always, but when we are in the moment, when something really good is happening, we really thrive. You really appreciate it. So if you would just then reverse and change course, you could probably undo all of this damage from six months in one or two months. Sometimes it takes, longer especially if it’s a long-term couple and you’ve been together for years, or even a decade. Of course, you can’t undo the damage of let’s say three, five years of neglecting each other in like a month. It’s probably not gonna happen. But even that could happen. But it definitely is possible to undo the negative things much quicker than the other way around, because all you got to do is figure out what worked in the past. Because you fell in love with each other for certain reasons. If you repeat that and also on top of that, do some new things that are exciting, that make her happy, then you’re gonna revert all of this negative stuff really quickly.
Ex Girlfriend Has No Remorse: When Your Ex Dates Someone Right Away And She’s Over You
I didn’t really notice my problems until I was already too deep down the rabbit hole, and by that time, it was too late and she broke up with me. It’s like a really slow deterioration of the relationship and then when she broke up, it was a very clear-cut breakup. She was very direct with me about what she wanted. She said that she wanted to be with a man who makes her a priority and she felt like I had become a stranger to her. I think this is why the breakup was so easy for her and I literally just found out that she has started dating another guy.
Well, it’s not like it was easy for her to have the breakup, because she wanted a guy who makes her a priority. It’s still difficult to break up with a guy that she loves, of course. She loves you because that’s why she’s been with you. The reason why it is easy for her is because she accepted that this sucks. You instead, you called it yourself a retreat tactic. What does it tell me. You have been bullshitting yourself that this is not bad, until at some point, it became so bad that you could no longer ignore it, and then it was too late, right? So you basically told yourself “Nah, it’s gonna be fine! We’re gonna figure something out,” and you basically tried to lie to yourself that you’re not about to break up. Whereas she was slowly accepting it. The domino pieces were falling over and she paid attention to that, whereas you, when the domino pieces fell, it’s like you picked up the ones that fell and put them back up. But that doesn’t mean that the other ones aren’t continuing to fall, of course.
So she basically made it easy on herself because she just was real with herself and that is such an important quality that women want in a man, actually. Recognizing the things that dont work Being real with yourself & recognizing the things that don’t work in your life, because that’s not attractive for a woman if a guy can’t accept the things that aren’t working in his life. That’s honestly a really weak man because if you can’t recognize the things that don’t work, then how can you fix them? And no woman wants to be with a man who’s too afraid to confront his problems. It’s just incredibly unattractive. It’s not just about relationship problems. For example, if you are in a really shitty job and you’re not willing to accept that you’re just gonna be stressed all the time, it’s gonna cause more problems, and she’s gonna at some point think that you’re a loser.
Let’s just be real: That’s how it is. That’s why women don’t want to date losers. They want to date kings. They want to date men who are strong. Who are willing to look at their flaws and their weakness and say “Fuck, I don’t like this. Let me change it,” and then they take some action and after three months, it’s fixed. They don’t want to hang around the guy who spends nine months neglecting the problem, telling himself this is not really a problem, and then you become miserable, you become bitter, you become sad, depressed… Who wants to be around a person like that? Of course, nobody. And especially not a woman, because she wants stability. So you gotta show her that you can fix the problems because that’s the core principle of stability in a relationship: Solving problems when they appear. That is sexy. When you can address that without being scared, that really turns a woman on. And if you’ve ever had breakup sex and really passionate breakup sex, that’s why! Because when you fix your issues, it just turns a woman on.
No Contact When She’s Seeing Someone Else: How To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back If She’s With Another Man
I am so hurt that she’s found a new guy already. It hasn’t even been three months and she’s already seeing someone else. I understand that she wasn’t happy with me but still, I haven’t moved on from the relationship at all. I’m still barely coming to terms with the fact that she left me and I still want her back and I’m doing no contact essentially, but I guess there seems to be no hope. I think she really decided to end this chapter with me whereas I just can’t accept it. We’ve been together for almost two years, had a cat and a dog together, and I honestly thought I would marry her in the next years. It’s hard to wrap my head around the thought that she’s just moving on from this so easily, and now is seeing a new guy
And who knows, maybe they’ll go down that route eventually? We’re both in our 30s, so for sure, she wants to settle down and be in a long-term relationship with the goal of having kids and getting married. She’s that type of woman. She’s very family oriented. I know that time is against me and I’m not really sure what I should do now. Maybe she’s accepting that things didn’t work out between us and she’s cutting her losses to move on to a better relationship, so she can make her dream of a family come true. Do you think this is over and I should move on? Should I take this as a lesson learned and say this relationship is done, or do you think that there’s a chance that we can fix this? Thanks so much.
Well, the relationship is definitely done for now, but look, you wanted to have children with her, or be married. You said you wanted to marry her. You both are obviously very family-oriented. She wants to have kids as well. And you wanted to marry her. What are the odds that she didn’t at least at some point in the relationship have similar thoughts that she wanted to get married with you? Even when the relationship is not perfect, people sometimes get married or want to get married. Now, of course, sometimes that is just a defense mechanism and that’s not the right approach, but it tells you that people don’t want to let go of their attachments. They don’t want to let go of the people that they love, unless they absolutely have to. So is she just going to forget you that quickly and all the things, the plans that you had together? No, of course not. Right now, of course, she’s done with the relationship, but this can change.
Now, what about the other guy that she’s dating. You’re thinking she’s in her 30s, she’s gonna or she wants to have children. So maybe she’s going to commit to this guy really quickly and they’re going to have children. They’re going to have a house on the beach. And they’re going to do all the things that we wanted to do. That’s very unlikely that this will happen really quickly. Yes, that could happen at some point, of course, but it’s not gonna happen in the next three months. It’s not gonna happen in the next six months. Probably not in the next year or two. The thing is you should detach from the outcome because yes, I can’t guarantee you that this won’t happen. It could happen. So you should accept first of all that this relationship is over. This is something that you haven’t really been doing, right? So if you don’t accept that you will never get her back, you gotta essentially move forward with life. You gotta do the same thing that she did. She essentially accepted that this relationship was not making her happy anymore. This relationship was doomed. And with that realization you can then at some point recognize “Okay, you know what? That relationship that we had, it sucked. It was a problem. So if we ever get back together, it has to be a better relationship. It has to be something to fix.”
Look, if I would ever get back with my first ex that I ever met, well, it was a very young relationship, but she was just incredible. She was really great. She was sweet. She was kind. She had a great smile. We had a lot of great similarities and the things that we liked. And it was just… She was just a wonderful woman, honestly, but back then, we were young and it didn’t work out. So if I would meet her now, that would have been now 15 ish, or like I don’t know, 12 years or something like that since we dated. And that would be a new relationship. And I wouldn’t mind that. I would be happy about that. I would actually be excited because I can get to know what kind of woman is she like now? What changed about her? What are her new passions? And so on and so forth. And that’s how you gotta approach this. You gotta be excited about who is she going to be in the future. But also who can you be in the future. It’s gotta be a new relationship.
Anyways, so you gotta move forward. Reimagine who you want to be, and do some of the things that are good for you. So of course, for her, she seems to think that the things that are good for her is a new guy. What is the things, what is the stuff that’s good for you? Is it a new business? Is it maybe stopping to play games? Maybe this wasn’t good for you. Maybe you have a bit of a gaming addiction or something like that. Yesterday I played games for the first time in like three years or something like that. I was at a coffee shop and there’s some friends of mine, they wanted me to play like a MOBA game, like DOTA, mobile legends, league of legends, and I was a bit hesitant and then I played, and I played so many games. And I just know it’s not really useful. It’s a time waster, basically, but hey, it’s fun. But maybe you need to get rid of that a little bit because it’s not so good for you, right, and you replace it with something better. So for example, instead of me playing games all the time… It was fun, but I would rather surf. I would rather have fun. I would rather play the guitar, build up my skills, and in the process have more fun and a better time with my life.
So I suggest you figure out what are some of the things that will make you happy and focus on these things. You can’t focus on her right now. She’s gone. Right now she’s dating this new guy. Maybe it’s gonna be over in two weeks. Maybe it’s going to be over in a month. Maybe it’s going to be over in three months. Most likely, actually, because it’s a rebound essentially, but maybe it’s also never going to be over. The thing is, whatever it is, whether she comes back or not, whether it’s over or not, whether they have children in the future or not, you should be okay with that. And you should also be okay with that when a woman only comes back after five years. Like whatever! If you’re different people and then five years from now you somehow meet up again, you get in touch again, or you bump into each other and then you can make it work, that’s great. You just gotta be willing to accept that sometimes you gotta let a relationship go, to hopefully build a better one in the future. And I know this is a really tough thing to accept. Women are much better at accepting this, obviously. So anyway, this is my advice for you. I wish you all the best. Focus on the things that are good and healthy for you, that make you happier. Now, let me know in the comments what you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.