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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about mixed signals with an ex. So I got a really interesting situation from a guy who is basically in no contact with his ex and he thinks that he’s getting mixed signals because his ex is confused.
When Your Ex Is Confused About You: Understanding Mixed Signals from Your Ex Girlfriend
And it’s quite normal actually after a breakup that your ex is confused because she doesn’t know what to think. You broke up, and obviously, you broke up because you didn’t get along anymore. You had a lot of fights, she felt like she wasn’t heard anymore, she felt like her feelings weren’t validated, so she wasn’t happy in the relationship.
And so when she wants to come back with you, she wants to get back with you, or when she comes back, she’s not fully sure what to do. So on one side, she probably wants to be back with you, on one side she wants to have sex with you, but on the other side she’s also really confused and she’s not really sure how to feel about it. So obviously, in that process, you gotta give your ex security. You gotta make sure that she can feel that she can open up emotionally to you and she can feel that it’s safe around you again. Because at that point, if she feels safe, that’s when she wants to be back with you. So let’s jump straight into the message from the guy and let’s see what is my advice.
Ex Girlfriend Hot And Cold: Polarizing Mixed Signals And What They Mean — Your Ex’s State Of Mind
Hi coach, I have a really weird situation with my ex-girlfriend that’s just very confusing. I don’t know how to feel about all of it because I want my ex back and we’re actually talking. And on one side, she’s being very aloof, distant, and doesn’t want us to get back, but then on the other side of the spectrum she sometimes gets very emotional and it’s almost like she’s trying to seduce me. So I just don’t know what to think because she’s very inconsistent.
Well, you have to understand that she is not really inconsistent. If you look at feminine nature, feminine nature fluctuates a lot. It’s always ups and downs. It’s like the waves of the ocean. It comes and it goes. It comes and it goes. Right now, obviously after a breakup, her emotions for you, they come and they go. She doesn’t really know yet what she wants. Sometimes she’s up & she’s really loving the time with you, or talking to you, and then she feels like she’s remembering all the bad stuff that happened. So maybe enough time hasn’t passed yet and that’s why she’s not really sure about it yet. And if okay, now you’re obviously talking again, I guess, but clearly, she needs some time to get back on the highs. she needs some time to have a sustained strong wave that actually pushes her forward towards you.
So you should just see all of this as a natural process. This is just something that’s probably unavoidable with most guys who want their ex back. It’s not just gonna be a straight line. You’re not just gonna talk to her and then you’re gonna have sex. Sometimes it can happen, but for most of you, it won’t happen. Now, if it does happen in your case, then congrats, and I guess you were one of the lucky ones, but for a lot of guys, it’s not just from here to here. It’s from here to here, then back here, then here. It’s like one step forward, then you take step two steps backwards, then you go maybe three steps forward. It takes a while. So don’t be so confused, especially in the beginning. In the beginning, a lot of mixed signals or inconsistency, that is quite normal because she is still trying to make up her mind.
Our Relationship Was Cold: Your Ex Girlfriend’s Mixed Signals Correlate With The Breakup
So to give you an idea of what happened between us: We broke up four months ago. The breakup was a very bad one. We had been fighting a lot and we didn’t really trust each other anymore. We both started living separate lives in a sense, and for the most part, it was very cold between us. Very, very tense, and most of the time we just fight. We rarely had any good time together any longer. Most of the time, we’d also rather spend time with other people than spending time together.
I actually felt that some guy was into her and that she liked the attention she got from him. But that was something that never really got resolved. Maybe she was into him, but anyway, that’s not the reason why we broke up. The reason why we broke up was my fault because I snapped one evening when she wanted my help with something. I was too frustrated, just had come home from work, and I couldn’t manage my composure. I was very mean to her and treated her like she was stupid. I was way out of line back then. That’s how we broke up and she was super upset with me. She was very very angry. I wanted her back because I messed it up big time, but of course, she didn’t want to.
Now, let’s have a dose of reality here. You said that some guy was paying attention to her. Was she paying attention to him? No, I think the other way around, right? So someone was paying attention to her and you think that she didn’t mind the attention, so for sure, this guy was probably slowly lined up to be your replacement. You could probably call it emotional cheating. Some might even call this monkey branching. I don’t know the entire context but yeah, so basically you gotta think twice if you want to get back with this woman, because she might just do this again in the future, and we don’t know what happened there. You don’t have any clarity on this part, but it’s most likely what happened, and of course, when you then had this big fight, obviously it was easy for her to break up because maybe there was someone else who was willing to date her. So it’s very secure. She doesn’t have to risk too much. And so it was an easy choice for her to break up. And that’s another reason why begging and pleading doesn’t work because it’s very common, actually, that the woman will get attention from other guys. Women get attention all the time.
Even if you’re in a relationship, it’s just that most of the time, women will reject that attention. They will just say “Hey, I have a boyfriend. Sorry, I can’t talk with you,” or “I really appreciate that you want to talk with me but I’m not single. So sorry about that.” … This is what a healthy loving woman will do. But many women, even the ones who are relatively healthy, if they feel mistreated in the relationship, they might pay attention to some guy who will pay attention to them. And then when you then beg and all that stuff, it just never works because it just makes you look very weak and needy. And if there’s some other guy, even if they haven’t been dating, that guy, even if she barely talks to that guy, if that guy is into her, then he feels very secure, very sure of what he wants, and she feels insecure. You’re begging like crazy. So you feel very insecure to her as well. So she wants to, of course, go to the place where she feels more secure, because she feels insecure. So the only reasonable choice for her is really to go to the guy who is secure, because if she would go back to you, who is also insecure… Two insecure people just create more instability. So it’s reasonable why begging and pleading never works.
I Tried Apologizing To My Ex Girlfriend: My Ex Asked For Space But She Came Back Drunk At Night
So then I did no contact because she was super angry at me and she pushed me away. I thought that this was probably it because I tried apologizing hard, but she said that she wanted me to give her space and leave her alone, because she didn’t think that we could fix our issues. So I let her go, but then after four months, she came back. Actually, she even showed up one night super drunk in front of my door and just invited herself in and she fell asleep on my bed. It was kind of weird, but anyway, she just went home again the next morning without saying anything except for thanking me to be understanding. So I think subconsciously, she was thinking about me and that’s why she showed up in the middle of the night. I thought back then that it was a good sign but I guess it was just a slip up on her part and she was still the same cold after that.
Well, you shouldn’t kid yourself. That is obviously a good sign. Definitely. She clearly missed you. She got probably wasted, I guess, and of course, when she’s wasted, she can’t control herself. And where did she go? To the place where she feels or felt home for most of her life. Not most of her life, but for probably at least… That was wrong… Probably, at least one or two years, right? So she felt safe with you for a long time and so something like this clearly shows you that she’s very emotionally invested, which is actually a good thing. Big fights, big emotional investment, that is really good for getting an ex back because if she doesn’t give any shit then there’s just no point in getting back together. She doesn’t want to get back together if she has no emotions anymore. If her emotions basically are shut off or dead, at that point you can’t get her back. But there are clearly some emotions there. So I know that you think that this didn’t mean anything because she went cold again, but no, this does mean something. That shows you something.
My Ex Said She Misses Me: When You’re Hanging Out With Your Ex Girlfriend But She’s Not Ready For Sex
Anyway, sorry, I got sidetracked. That happened about two and a half weeks after the breakup, by the way. Anyway, after four months, she started messaging me and said that she missed me and we met up more than once. She’s very affectionate when we spend time together. We cuddle a lot. We make out a lot. And she’s even very aggressive with sex. She has given me a blowjob once, but we’ve never had sex because she pulls back when we try to have sex.
So basically, she definitely wants you. She’s really into you. And you even got a blowjob. So that’s not too bad. So I don’t know why you’re so confused about this. Or why you’re so hesitant. I mean if I would be getting a blowjob from my ex, I’d be like this is not bad! Now, obviously, you would like to have sex with her and if you would have sex with her, that would be a real bonding moment. That would help you to get back with her. But if she’s not ready for it, then you can’t really do anything about that. And that is not really a mixed signal. That’s just her being still insecure, not sure about how to think about the whole situation. Obviously, the way that the relationship ended was not the nicest way. So she is a little bit hesitant about this because she doesn’t want to ,for example, she doesn’t want to get dumped again, or she doesn’t want to have another one of your anger tirades basically, where you can’t control yourself. So she’s gonna play it safe, of course, and you say it here.
When Your Ex Is Acting Distant Again: What To Do When Your Ex Backs Away And Goes Cold
And she fluctuates between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. She seems like she is still very hurt from the breakup and she’s not able to let go of the breakup. So I don’t know what to do now because it seems that we’re stuck in a loop. We’ve been spending time for almost one month now but we haven’t had sex yet and she’s generally also just not committing to anything. I think she is very confused and I don’t know what she’s thinking. I feel like she’s giving me mixed signals here and I have a feeling she doesn’t really want to be back together, but rather, she’s just heartbroken and can’t let go of our relationship yet. So I don’t know how you would assess the situation. Should I talk with her about it? It seems that we’re currently stuck and aren’t moving forward. Thanks a lot for your advice.
Well, at some point you should probably talk about it, but I don’t think that the time has come quite yet. I don’t think that you should be disappointed like you said. She’s probably still hurting and you think that you are stuck in a loop, but let’s be real… This has only been going on for a month, basically, so you don’t really know how much longer it’s just gonna go on. Of course, if this goes on for three, four, or five months, that would be too long, but right now it’s been one month. She still is not comfortable enough around you, obviously, you gotta open her up. So you gotta be really slowly with her and so, for example, I don’t know if you’ve already gone down on her but if she’s not ready for sex, then you gotta open her up slowly. She gave you a blowjob… Then you also gotta return the favor. And that’s all you gotta do. And when you do that, she will probably still not be open for having sex with you, but it will slowly open the doors. It opens the cracks a little bit. If you ever opened a door that is kind of stuck, you know, you push it a little bit and it just won’t budge. It won’t make a move. And you push a little bit more. It still won’t move. And then once you hit that certain spot where that all that tension is gone, all that friction, at that point, pushing the door is so easy.
So obviously, you want to get to that point where pushing that door open is so easy. So at this point, I wouldn’t talk about it at all. I wouldn’t talk about “What is this? What are we? What do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship again? Do you want to be back together?” Don’t talk about these things. Just keep on hanging out. Keep on having sex. Keep on not having sex. Keep on seducing her, until you eventually get to sex, and then when you get to sex, at some point you can talk about this. Now, if you never get to sex, after probably two months, I would say “Hey, what’s going on? I can tell that you are really defensive and we’ve been basically spending time now for two months, or three months, and I know that you’re really tense when I try to have sex with you. You’re really tense. Your body. I think there’s something on your mind that you want to talk about, no, babe? So tell me what’s going on, babe? What do you feel? Do you want to talk about the breakup? Is there something that is making you feel insecure around me? What can I do to make you feel more comfortable around me?”
But I wouldn’t be talking about this right now. It’s way too soon for that. You are overthinking this. You’re thinking that you’re already getting mixed signals when honestly, you’re getting quite good signals. It’s just that she’s like the waves, as I said: She is up and down. And if you’ve ever rode, if you’ve ever surfed, you know that you get these up-down waves, and you don’t catch all of those waves, and it’s like “Shit, I didn’t catch another wave yet again. I didn’t catch it!” Especially when you’re a beginner. But then, when you catch that one wave, you can ride it for such a long time. And when that happens, you’re so happy. So you just need to catch that one long wave of her, and that’s it.
So you just gotta stay patient with her. And eventually, I can guarantee you, you will succeed. And if you succeed because it just keeps on… That loop keeps on repeating, and it really is a loop for several months, then obviously you gotta talk about it. And if she then can’t commit to you, then you gotta say, “Look, I really love you and I wish we could be back together but this is not really going anywhere and I want us to go somewhere and if you change your mind about us, and you want to open up, then we can try this again.” … And that’s all you can do. Alright, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.