Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about breaking no contact and the harsh truth for everybody watching is this: You should never break no contact! So I want you to think about this rationally for a moment. Let’s say, for example… Me, with my youtube channel, I started my youtube channel maybe I don’t know… Six months ago or something like that. If I would just start a new youtube channel tomorrow, I would literally start with no videos. I would start from scratch. It’s the same thing with no contact. It makes no sense if you break no contact. All of the work that you’ve been doing for months… It’s basically gone. Maybe not completely. At least on the part of your ex it’s at least gone. Maybe you’ve managed to calm yourself. Maybe you feel much more confident again.
But if you break no contact and reach out to your ex, she’s basically going to realize that you’re still not over her. And that is a big problem because it needs to be her to choose to get back with you. Because if you’re watching this video, most likely, it’s you who has no power. She has all the power. You want her back. It doesn’t matter who broke up. So because of that, don’t put all the power back into her hand. Alright, so I have an interesting situation from a guy who is in a tough spot. He’s been in a relationship for three and a half years and he basically broke no contact. So I want to go through his situation and through his thoughts. There’s interesting stuff in there. So let’s get right into it.
Hello coach, can you please tell me what to do about my breakup? I urgently need my ex-girlfriend back, but she is done with the relationship. I am becoming desperate again with her because I found out that she’s dating again and I saw her recently on dating apps. I feel that I am slowly losing her and that she is moving on with her life.
So before I get further into the message, I want to mention two things here: You broke up five months ago and you say that you urgently need her, but the question is… Why do you urgently need her? Is it because she makes you happy? Or is it because you need her? That means, you really can’t live without her… Because the thing is: You have to be able to live without your ex because if you don’t feel complete without your ex, if you feel that the only way how you feel complete is with another woman, then you’re always gonna screw up. So if you would ever get back with your ex in the future for whatever reasons, whether you do everything right with no contact or not, and maybe it’s just on a whim… it doesn’t matter… if you get back with your ex in the future, but you’re still in the state of mind where you urgently need her, not just want her, then you’re gonna screw up again in the future, perhaps.
Because if you’re so attached to that one person, rather than more being attached to yourself and having your woman only be the icing on the cake of your character, of your personality, then you’re gonna become very insecure, and weak, and needy, over time. Now, as we go more through your message and your situation, there are actually not that many signs that you’ve been insecure during the relationship but this can of course happen during the relationship as well. So it’s important to remind yourself of this. Number two that I want to mention is that you said “I feel that I am slowly losing her and that she is moving on with her life”
Well, you already lost her five months ago. I think you haven’t really accepted that yet. And so if she’s moving on with her life, or it seems that she’s moving on with her life… I think she might not necessarily be moving on, but she’s moving forward. I think you’re not doing that. You haven’t moved on and you’re also not moving forward. It’s actually not about moving on from an ex because obviously, you want your ex back. But it’s about moving forward. It’s about unleashing the king within, even if you’re not with your ex. As I said, you don’t need her. You want her. So she compliments you. She’s the icing on the cake. Your woman should always compliment you. It’s not like she completes you in the sense of “without her you are incomplete“…
So it’s just like she irons out the weak spots of yours and she makes you a little bit more well-rounded. But you can live without her. This is how it needs to be. So you need to move forward with life, even if she’s not back yet, or maybe if she’s never going to be back, you still have to move forward. And if she comes back that is great! You try to make it work again. But if she doesn’t come back… Imagine if you’re still stuck in this mindset of “I feel like I’m losing her” and imagine it’s been two years and you’re still thinking this… So for two years, you basically haven’t moved forward with life.
Could you imagine in two years from now if you would still be as stuck as you feel right now and you haven’t improved anything about your life? You haven’t made much progress? And you’re basically losing out two important years of your life!? So don’t pause your life for her. Keep on moving forward. Don’t move on, but move forward. It’s important because she is moving forward as well. I don’t think she’s moving on. I think she’s moving forward. All right, so let’s continue.
We broke up five months ago, or more accurately, she broke up with me because I didn’t want to get married yet. FYI I am 28, she is 27, and we had been together for close to three and a half years. It’s not like I didn’t want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I felt that getting married was too much of a responsibility. That I wasn’t there yet financially to support us & having a family, but my ex just couldn’t understand where I was coming from, and after this topic came up multiple times, eventually she said that she wanted to break it off, which was when I started begging and I told her that I would think about marriage, but she made up her mind and left.
Yeah, so that is a really tough one. It’s understandable why she left because clearly, she wants to have a marriage. She’s probably a little bit more traditional. She wants to have kids most likely as well. So she’s thinking about her future. Any woman is thinking about her future. And for any woman who wants to have children, who wants to have a traditional family, she wants to make sure that she’s secure. That you are going to take care of her and her baby. Because even if she’s a very independent, strong woman, she has her own job, her own career, maybe she’s very successful & very accomplished… At some point, if she wants to have a family, she has to stop working, at least to some extent, and she has to be able to rely on you that you’re going to take care of her and her kids.
And you see this all the time, even with super hyper-successful women. So for example, very often, you see in music bands where a woman is very successful, she makes a lot of money, and she could just continue staying in the band, but eventually, when she gets older, in her 30s, 35s, these women always leave the band and then they basically swap out with a younger woman who’s now the new lead vocalist. That’s just how it is because they want to spend time with their family. Didn’t that happen with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas as well? Same thing, right? She’s probably in her 40s or something like that. She had children and she was like “Nah, okay, you know what? I love you guys. I love everything that we’re doing. I love the money that we’re making. I love the concerts. But I love my children more.” This is how she felt. So clearly, when you denied her that, that was her reason for leaving you, and then when you told her “hey no! No, we can make this work!“… She didn’t believe you anymore because that was too late because she tried already and she gave up hope.
Because the thing is: She actually made the right decision in this moment to say “no, let’s just leave it at that” because she couldn’t really believe you are you doing it for the right reasons. You just basically wanted her back and you were like “okay fine, let’s get married” or “fine, I’m going to think about it” but that is not what she wants. She wants to, of course, be sure that you make this decision for the right reasons. Not just to get her back. And another thing that I want to mention is that relationships and life are actually never perfect. I understand your feeling of “This was too much responsibility. I didn’t know if I could take care of our family“… I don’t know if you have kids already or if you want to have kids in the future. It didn’t become clear in your message, but you clearly care about providing.
But the thing is: When is that moment? When you are perfect enough to provide for your family and for your girlfriend? The thing is, you know, a perfectionist will always find something that’s not perfect. But that’s just not how life works. One of my best friends, she got pregnant out of nowhere. Basically out of the blue. And they were not prepared for it but they still made it work. It’s just life. You’re never gonna find the perfect moment when you say “okay, we have enough money! Now let’s do it!” At some point, you gotta make a decision, and you’re gonna somehow figure it out. And that’s what she wanted from you. She wanted you to make a decision. Even if it’s hard. And that is what men make. Men push forward and they persevere, even if it’s hard. Even if you’re not there yet. Even if you haven’t all your stuff figured out. I know having babies, and having a family, and building a house, and whatever…
All of this stuff is really difficult, but a man who’s strong, confident, he will go for it, even if he’s scared. It’s about risk-taking. This is one of the qualities that women don’t like so much. Women don’t love risk-taking. So that’s why they’re with men, who take risks. So if you’re not willing to take risks, clearly, she’s dumping you because she’s feeling insecure, or she’s feeling not secure in your vicinity because she feels that you can’t provide the security that she wants. The family. You’re not willing to take risks. You’re too afraid to make a move. That is not attractive. So that is just a reality check.
I think it was a good thing that she actually said no to get back together because it would have been for the wrong reasons. There had to be some cool down for you to think about this. Also, for her to think about this. And then maybe in the future, you can get back together. Then you can talk about having a family or getting married again. But that was not the right time for it. And I think you would have gotten married, or even thought about getting back together for the wrong reasons. So it’s a good thing that it didn’t work out. I know you don’t believe that but trust me, this was for the best!
Ever since then, after begging for a while, I stopped messaging her and went into no contact. That’s been four-ish months ago but I panicked a lot. A week ago, when I found out that she’s dating again… I got the news from a mutual friend of ours… When looking at her Facebook profile, she looks happier than ever. It’s heartbreaking to see her like that and when I saw her on the dating app, I finally decided to try talking to her again and send her a message.
Well, that doesn’t really mean that much if she’s dating again. And you’re probably thinking too much about this. Obviously, you panicked when you saw her dating. But first of all, let’s acknowledge the good stuff: She didn’t just date right away. So some women, they just break up and they just have a replacement already which would be something relatively toxic. It’s not too cool. It’s not great. It doesn’t feel great. And a woman like this is probably not very loyal. But her, it seems like it took her time to date. So maybe she wanted a date, but she even couldn’t because she just couldn’t really attach to a man anymore. So it’s a good thing. She’s relatively healthy. She took her time, and now she’s exploring. That doesn’t mean that she’s moved on, that doesn’t mean that she’s over you. It doesn’t mean that there’s not still a future for you… in the future…
And the thing with looking at her Facebook profile and when you see her on a dating profile as well… She looks obviously perfect. She’s selling herself. She’s saying that she’s perfect, that she’s happy, on the dating profile. She has great pictures. Some lovey-dovey profile description. And you think “Oh my God, she’s moved on! Look how happy she is!” But you don’t know how she’s feeling! Quite frankly, she could be starting to date, meet some guys, maybe she’s even hooking up with some guy, or dating this guy, at the very least, maybe she’s not hooking up with him, and after a week or two weeks, after that, she already realizes “No that’s not for me. I’m not happy with this guy.” or “I’m not happy dating in general” or “I still miss my ex“… There are so many reasons why this really doesn’t mean anything. And you shouldn’t think too much about it when you see your ex happy. Now, of course, she could be happy! But I think it’s dangerous to assume that everything in her life is perfect just because you see some pictures of her and you think that she’s moved on and it’s over. And so of course, that is why you panic basically, and then you messaged her. So let’s see what happens next.
I felt that if I wouldn’t do anything now, I will never get her back, but after I sent her a message she sort of almost ignored me. She did talk to me but it was a very short conversation and it felt to me that she wasn’t very excited to hear from me.
Yeah. Think about this. It doesn’t actually make sense. You message her right when she starts dating. So this is the moment when she feels “I’m gonna give it a try.” I’ve maybe grieved a bit. Maybe it was very painful, she couldn’t date anyone. And now she’s like “Okay, you know what? I’m gonna give this a try. Let me see” So now is actually only the time when she’s starting to even entertain the thought of dating, but that doesn’t mean that now she’s ready to date. It doesn’t mean that things will work out.
So like I said: Things could potentially not work out with the dates. So you know, she could come back to reality and start dating, and after two weeks she realizes fuck this sucks! But she’s not there yet. So she currently is probably excited about the thought of dating and then that’s exactly when you reach out to her. That makes no sense! Because this is the point in time where she is least likely willing to actually date you. Now, you might think “I have to do something because she’s going to move on” but that just doesn’t make sense! It’s like… Imagine if you move into a new apartment, you moved into this apartment two months ago, your broker helped you, then after three months, or two months, the broker messages you and he’s like “Do you need a new apartment?“… No??? You just helped me! Why would I need your help?! So she’s not in the right time where she thinks “I want to get back with you”… Now, she’s exploring. You need to let her explore. I know, this is very scary because you’re thinking “There’s going to be some other guy who’s going to replace me” but you don’t know that. You don’t know that for sure.
And honestly, if she replaces you… That is life! You can’t do anything about that. If she wants to make that decision, you have to accept that decision. And if that happens, believe me, you will find another woman, and it’s just important to be real about this. Look my channel has a lot of content about getting an ex back, but I always put it at an angle of you have to unleash the king within. It’s all about you. You have to be happy by yourself. You have to be confident with yourself. You have to be content with your life decisions and you have to be happy with or without your ex.
And the thing is: If you focus so much on your ex like she’s the only woman on the planet… It’s Oneitis! You feel like nobody else can make you happy… That is bullshit! I know you had a really strong relationship. Three and a half years! You probably at least entertained the thought of getting married. She clearly wanted to get married to you. So it was a super important relationship but you can have another important relationship with another woman. I know that’s very hard but it can happen. If she never wants you back, you have to be willing to accept that reality and it’s like what you said in the beginning. You feel that you’re losing her. You should have already accepted that you lost her a long time ago and figured out how you can focus on yourself.
Make yourself happy. So if she comes back or when she comes back, it depends on your situation, then you will be really happy with yourself. You won’t be insecure. Then you just rekindle! It feels really natural! And then you can actually talk about the whole topic with marriage again. And then it’s not gonna be forced. It’s not gonna be rushed. You’re just gonna think it through rationally and calmly. And you’re gonna say “Let’s make a plan. Let’s do this.“… Ad if you like you said, we’re too afraid to have the responsibility of having a family, then you could agree “Fine, you know what? Let’s get married but let’s please hold off on having kids” Something like that. So you can slowly ease into it as well, of course. So your first goal is just to become happy again. Then, if she comes back, you figure it out step by step. But don’t get hung up on her because that way you’re gonna be really disappointed if she never comes back.
You could say that my fears of her being over me have been validated by that and now I don’t know what to do. I really try to remain strong and keep it together after the breakup, but I’m heartbroken, and seeing her like that got to me. I don’t want to lose her after all this time. I know that the breakup could have been avoided and now I would do anything to turn back time and marry her. So what am I supposed to do now? I don’t want to let go of our relationship and I don’t know what the next step is.
The next step is to get back to no contact. You have to start from scratch, basically. Now she knows that you’re still into her. So now it’s probably gonna take longer for her to reach out to you when she has interest again. When some guy doesn’t make her happy. When the dating isn’t great & she can’t find the right guy. If the guy is an asshole or their values clash. There are so many reasons why it couldn’t work out. But now it’s probably going to take longer for her to reach out. Get back to no contact and wait for her to reach out to you. I also don’t think that any of your fears have been validated. You have been broken up for five months. You had a relationship for three and a half years. It’s very long and you wanted to get married. You wanted to probably have a family as you said. So that was very serious.
Getting married is not a small deal. That’s a big deal! For some people, that’s a huge deal based on how conservative you are! Based on how religious you are, you might think that marriage is a huge deal! It is basically a promise for life. And some people take this incredibly seriously. I don’t know what kind of person you and your ex were, but I’m assuming at least it was quite important… Maybe you’re not super religious, who knows, but it must be important to both of you, so you had a very important relationship. Do you think that just because she started dating and because she opened Tinder, now she’s over you and she forgot you after three and a half years? After just five months?? Nope! No way!
She is exploring if she should rebuild with someone else, but that doesn’t mean that the connection that she had with you is just gone and severed. It’s not like she just forgets everything that you’ve done, everything you’ve talked about, all the memories that you’ve built together, all the plans that you’ve made, everything that you’ve invested in each other… That will always stay with her. She will always have that in her heart and even if right now you are not her main focus…
Clearly, she’s focused on something else. That’s why you should have never reached out to her because that didn’t make sense. As I said you don’t just reach out to her when she literally puts the focus away from you. So you should have just waited. You need to keep up the no contact. You have to repeat the no contact, basically. Do it from scratch and basically undo the mistake of reaching out to her. Wait for her to message you. But the more important thing for you is to stop making it all about her. I know you care about her. I know you really love her. I know you say that you would do anything to get married to her. Yes, I understand that, but as I said, what if she doesn’t come back? Make it about yourself! Make it about your life! You have to move forward!
So how can you move forward? How can you keep busy? How can you do something that makes you happy without her? If you’re just spending every day thinking about her, and especially what she’s doing with another guy, that is just going to tear you down. It’s going to tear you apart! It’s going to take away all your energy and you’re going to feel incredibly powerless. I don’t want you to feel that way! I want you to feel strong! I want you to unleash the king within! And yes, you can also find strength, even if you’re feeling weak. You can find strength even if you want her back, because that part of you, that life of yours that you had with her is not the only part of your life.
There are so many areas of your life that are important to you. Your friends, your work, your passion, your career, your contribution goals, how you want to help out your community, travel plans, or that one big dream that you’ve always had that one of these days you’re going to accomplish! There are so many things to your life! She was an important part of that life and she was integrated with all of that, but it doesn’t mean that all of these other parts just disappeared! They are still there! So I want you to focus on those while she is not there.
So keep on building on whatever is still left and that way you’re going to find more strength without her. But also, especially, when she comes back! Because right now, clearly, you’re too impacted by her dating other guys or maybe she’s not even actively dating… You don’t really know what’s going on. But clearly, it is affecting you way too much. There’s too much overthinking going on. That’s not healthy for you. This is not what I want for you. Anyone who works with me, whether that is with my courses, or with a private coaching session, it’s not about making you a simp and becoming addicted to your ex and becoming really needy and focusing too much on her. That’s not what it is about! And I don’t want this for you.
So stop focusing so much on her. Stop focusing on the guys that she’s seeing. Maybe you should also start seeing some women as well, or at the very least, go out and have some fun with friends! Go partying! Even if it’s just a hookup, or even not, maybe you will appreciate it if you just go out to a bar and you get some positive attention from a woman. It might help your confidence. It’s all about unleashing the king within! All right, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.