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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about the biggest mistakes that I see with no contact. Specifically with my clients or with potential clients that I actually rejected. So there are typically two things that I see that are really big problems. Problem number one, of course, everybody wants to go no contact and then everyone is thinking am I going to message my ex? I want to reach out to my ex! I had a client actually recently or I have a client and he recently reached out to his ex and he knows already when he reached out to me for a coaching session, he knew already this was not the best thing to do. But sometimes you just act on impulse and you make a mistake and that’s just what a lot of guys do in no contact. So obviously, you should never reach out to an ex and we’re gonna talk about this in a bit more in the video in a moment.
No Contact Mistake #1: The No Contact Rule Will Never Work If You Don’t Fix The Underlying Issue
But the second problem that I want to address is the fact that a lot of guys simply don’t address the real problem that caused the breakup. So if you don’t address the problem that will never really resolve anything. Maybe you will get your ex back with a little bit of luck sure but then it will just basically fail again and there’s no purpose to no contact if you don’t address the problem. So I have a message from a guy and I will go into details later on where he’s trying to message too much or he’s thinking too much about reaching out to her. Or that he has to do something. It’s super crucial! Or else she will move on she will forget him or she will think that he’s a piece of shit and so on. You all have different reasons why you want to reach out to your ex. We’re gonna go into this but first let’s see what he says and let’s see why I think that he’s approaching this a little bit wrong here.
Hello coach, I need your help with my ex who doesn’t seem to respond to no contact at all. She and I broke up two months ago with a pretty big disagreement that turned into a big fight. There were issues with her being jealous because of a girl that I was friends with who might talk to a lot and she didn’t like it because she thought this girl was into me. I really don’t know if that is true or not. I think she’s just friendly but who knows. Anyway, that’s not the issue. The issue is no contact.
And this is where you’re wrong. That’s exactly the issue! This is why you broke up, right? I mean you were too friendly with a woman. Whether she was into you or not, that’s a different case. Whether your ex might have been incredibly jealous and maybe batshit crazy. I had an ex, one of my first girlfriends ever. She thought that literally my closest friend ever was into me or that I was into her and it was just ridiculous. It was just absolutely not the case and I never saw that friend in any way. So that ex of mine was just way too jealous.
Relationship Rule #1: Always Protect Your Relationship From Outsiders Or Risk Losing Your Girlfriend
You said it yourself.
[…]she thought this girl was into me. I really don’t know if that is true or not.
My take is in relationships you protect your relationship and you try to stay away from women as much as possible. Because there is always temptation on your side but also with other women. So you never know what another woman wants, what her agenda is. But also you. If you are hanging out a lot with women, talking a lot with women, that might not be an issue in the moment when you’re happy with your girlfriend. But if you’re not happy with your girlfriend and then there’s a hot woman that you’re talking to, that’s probably going to cause problems. Something really important to recognize as a guy. But also you said it yourself: You don’t know exactly what’s going on there. So typically, most of the time, if you’re talking to a woman, you can tell a 100% whether or not she’s into you, or maybe not 100%, but you have a hunch. If you pay attention, if you’re not too young and you know how it actually works, you can kind of tell why is this woman actually talking to me, why is this girl actually talking to me.
So if you can’t tell like 90% that she probably likes you a little bit at least, then there’s a big problem there. I mean you should be able to figure this out and if you haven’t figured it out then honestly, I would say you need to think a little bit more. Because clearly, that was the big issue and I’m assuming. I could be wrong about this. Maybe your ex was super jealous but maybe your ex also just had really good intuition and she knew exactly what was going on there. Maybe you didn’t think that you were doing something wrong and maybe you really didn’t do anything wrong, but maybe the woman that you were talking to did something wrong. And so you need to think carefully about this because otherwise you’re just gonna get back into the cycle again in the future if you ever get back.
And look, there are scenarios where you can avoid that you have to hang out with a woman. For example, you have the same passions, you go to the same, whatever, let’s say a youth club, or youth music, or like church or something like that, or you have the same passion such as maybe you both do range shooting or something like that and she just happens to be there all the time. Sometimes it can’t be avoided and you just meet a woman and you hang out with her because you basically go to the same places you do the same things. But even then you can have some healthy boundaries, essentially. And if that is not the case, if there was no proper reason for why you were talking to this woman, like let’s say she’s just friends with you and she knows you somehow, she met you in the past somehow, but there’s no real connection there and she just reaches out to you or you reach out to her then your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend probably was right here. And so the big issue here is that you think there’s nothing wrong here.
When No Contact Won’t Work: Same Get Your Ex Back Mindset Leasd To The Same Results
I shared in my last video that right now I’m trying to sell my new course and I really suck at digital marketing. And so I ran some ads and I spent 50 bucks on ads and it didn’t make a single sale and I was like the fuck it’s not working. And you could of course try in such a case just to run more ads and see if it eventually makes sales but that’s the same scenario, right. I’m not trying to address the problem and then I hope for a different result. But no, actually, earlier, right before this video recording I realized why it’s not working. It’s because people who go to my website they type something in and then Google thinks that’s relevant for my ads and I haven’t done proper keyword targeting and excluded keywords and stuff like that. Lots of stuff that I didn’t consider and then I thought, and then I made a tweak now and now I’m doing another experiment. And if I wouldn’t have been doing that then the question is why would I run ads in the first place again?! Right, if I would just run more ads, I already spent 50 bucks, it was unsuccessful, it didn’t work out. Why would I run more ads, right, that wouldn’t make sense!
It’s the same thing with no contact and with relationships in general. If you’re not willing to address the problem, why the fuck do you want to be back with your ex-girlfriend. I know you don’t think that there was anything wrong or you don’t think that there was anything between you and this other woman, but clearly, your ex thought so. So if you’re not willing to address that problem either by talking it through with her or looking carefully and thinking well, actually, she had a point kind of. I was too friendly with this woman. If you’re not willing to address that, then why do you want to be back with this woman? It makes no sense because look, if you’re not willing to address it, your ex is going to bring it up again. And then you’re gonna have a fight again about it and then you’re gonna probably again think “It’s not a big deal, babe! Look, she’s just a friend and I don’t care about her.” The same thing is going to happen again.
Even if you’re completely correct about this, even if there’s nothing wrong here even if she’s not into you and you would never be into her, your ex won’t believe you. Your ex will bring it up again. So you have to ask yourself why would you even consider doing no contact if you don’t actually want to address the actual problem. Now obviously, the problem could also lie on your ex’ side and in this case also why would you want to get back with her most likely. You should ask yourself twice if your ex accuses you of something that is just wrong because she’s batshit crazy. You know, she’s too jealous, then also why would you want to get back with her. So think about this. What’s your end game here? If you want your ex back, well that’s that’s the problem. A lot of guys, they just want their ex back. They don’t want the relationship fixed. They just want their ex back. The dopamine. They want to feel good again. And that never works. Right, I said I’m bad at marketing. So I’ve never done digital marketing until like now, basically, and I started coaching maybe two years ago, or two and a half years ago, but back then I was very unknown, I didn’t have a YouTube channel, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I was trying Instagram and I was just completely failing at it, basically, and I was trying digital marketing back then as well and again I still didn’t really know anything about it. And I attracted these clients that just honestly fucking pissed me off and just fucking annoyed me because I could tell that they didn’t want to solve the real problem. They just wanted their ex back.
Now, because I did everything with my YouTube channel… I do organic content. The clients that I have, they’re typically very self-developed, very confident men. Some of them are very heartbroken, but typically they’re adults, they are smart men, and they can think critically, and they’re not just simps. Yes, they often recognize their mistakes and they want to recognize them, they want to solve them, but they’re not just there in it to get their ex back for the sake of getting their ex back. So ask yourself: Are you just trying to get your ex back for the sake of getting your ex back? If that’s your only goal, just to have her back for an arbitrary reason, then this is never going to work out and I know you don’t want to hear this, but in this case you should just stop what you’re doing. Stop no contact or stop thinking about doing no contact for the sake of getting her back because it doesn’t matter because even if you get her back, it will never result in anything useful. Alright, so let’s continue and so just for the record: That was basically the biggest issue now. That one is if you don’t get your head wrapped around this mindset everything else is useless and now let’s get to the bigger issue that we see with no contact, very often where guys want to basically take some action. So let’s see what you say.
Radio Silence: Is No Contact Backfiring When You Don’t Hear From Your Ex For A Long Time?
I tried to get her to talk to me again after the breakup. Not any desperate begging but I was too persistent with messaging her and trying to work things out but she said she needed some space from me and wanted to first think about the entire situation. So I guess legit no contact started one and a half months ago and ever since then, I have not messaged her at all, but I haven’t heard from her since then and I am wondering if this approach is backfiring. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the length of our relationship. We’ve been together for nine months. So not super long but not short either. I think I’m having the feeling that she is moving on and is angry with me because of that girl and so maybe I should show her that I really care about her by messaging her.
No, look, she obviously wanted to know that you care about her by probably not talking to this girl at all, right. She had an issue with this girl for whatever reason. That’s what she wanted to see right and now you’re thinking “Maybe I should message her and show her that I really care about her. This girl, the other one, doesn’t matter to me,” and you’re thinking “I have to take some action! I have to prove to her that she was wrong,” but you cannot prove to your ex-girlfriend that she was wrong with the decision. She has to realize that herself. That’s exactly the purpose of no contact. She actually said it quite nicely. Let me just scroll up. She said something like she needs some space, which all the chicks always say. And then she wanted to first think about the entire situation. And a lot of women say that.
But a lot of women also mean that. Don’t get me wrong. A lot of women also just go into their hoe phase. A lot of women just hook up and do rebounds and they’re done with their ex and so on so forth. But it also sometimes happens that exes really just need some time. They don’t really know what to think and they’re disappointed and they are not necessarily interested in dating someone new but they need to think a little bit about what do. What you mean to them and you gotta give her that time. And so if you try to message her and convince her or prove to her that she was wrong, that you can resolve this and “Look! I’m not talking to this girl anymore!” Or whatever.
Is No Contact A Bad Idea: What Is The Right Way To Do No Contact After You Disappointed Her?
My fear is that by not talking to her I’m basically just making her think that all of this was true. That I had a side chick or that I wasn’t committed to her, etc… I think she has trust issues with me right now that I don’t care about her enough, that I don’t care about her enough. So I just think that not reaching out is a big mistake.
Look, you gotta make sure that she works through these issues herself. Ultimately, in a relationship both partners need to be able to trust each other and if after some time she still can’t trust you and she can’t recognize “He was a good man. He didn’t try to do anything wrong, maybe he did something wrong but it wasn’t maliciously.” You weren’t malignant. You didn’t try to do this on purpose. You weren’t trying to flirt on purpose. You weren’t trying to cheat on purpose. She recognizes “He made a mistake. He was kind of dumb. He didn’t know what he was doing, but I was also kind of too harsh. I was too jealous. I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt, or I didn’t try to talk with him about it in a calm way,“…. She also needs to recognize her own issues and she needs to commit to you because you think that you are making her think that she wasn’t committed, that you weren’t committed enough to her, but also is she committed enough to you to actually think this through?
And if she has some trust issues, if that is the case, that’s also something that she needs to resolve, not you. Her trust issues are not your responsibility. They’re hers. So not reaching out to her, or reaching out to her, is a big mistake. Not reaching out to her is not a big mistake. You can’t solve something that another person needs to solve. You can eventually try to talk through these things but first she needs to make the first step. She needs to recognize that “This was not as simple. This wasn’t as black and white as I thought. It was a gray area here, and I came to a quick conclusion that was too fast and I probably made the wrong call here. Let me message him. Let’s reconnect. Let’s talk with him.” And then you can make this work again. So I don’t think that not reaching out is a big mistake. Not at all. You need to wait for her to reach out to you.
Lack Of Patience: Random Reachouts Are Mistakes That Ruin Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back
I was about to message her yesterday but stopped myself. I already had a message written but managed to hold back my emotions and decided to get in touch with you first. So what is your assessment of this situation? Should I message her? Is she pulling away from me and forgetting me? Or what’s your opinion? Thanks a lot!
I don’t think she’s forgetting you. Most likely, yes, okay of course, you’ve only been together for nine months but it’s still a relatively long time. Is she pulling away from you? Well, you are in no contact, so she is naturally pulling away from you, but eventually she might be pulling closer to you but you just don’t realize it because you can’t see it yet. She’s emotionally maybe pulling closer towards you but she’s not taking any action yet. Is she forgetting you? Maybe, maybe not. You got to be okay with that. My assessment is: You should not message her at all and you should probably delete whatever you wrote. You should get rid of that while you try to send her a message. So I guess it wasn’t a letter but typically, if you write something like a letter, or if you’re working on something big that you’re trying to send, or sometimes my clients they save it in a document or something like that, a Google document or something more like a notepad and so on, and if you’re doing something like this just throw it away! I know you want to get your emotions out there but that’s not the right approach. I actually have something in my course on what is the right approach to process your emotions with your ex.
For example, when you want to do something like this, and the way that you’re going about it in the sense of trying to send it to your ex, that is not the solution. Just throw it away! Whatever you’re thinking about… Messaging her, or trying to tell her… You’re probably trying to… You probably want to say something like “Hey I want you to know that I really care about you. I want you to know that I’m really sorry. I want you to know that there was nothing going on between this girl,” and so on and so forth. But honestly, the only way how she actually believes that or how she actually comes to the conclusion that that was the case is if she has some regret about her own decision. If you just keep on saying hey I made a mistake here and so on and so forth, you’re basically just reminding her, of well, everything that was going on and then she probably can’t form a clear thought about what really happened there. But if you give it some time and she realizes you’re not coming back, you’re not chasing her, you did your best, you tried to tell her look there was nothing going on there, but she broke up with you anyway, or you had a big fight because of this anyways, and then I’m not sure if you actually mentioned who broke up, who was it, but you broke up because of that and she obviously contributed to that with the jealousy, even if maybe you shouldn’t have talked to that woman and my general take is that probably you shouldn’t have talked to her, but she needs to recognize she made a mistake. In breakups you always both need accountability and that’s why I mentioned the biggest mistake is when you don’t want to fix the issue.
As I told you when I was doing my first digital marketing stints or hacks on Instagram, I had these clients that just drove me absolutely crazy and I hated them. I really fucking hated them and they just didn’t want to solve the issue. They saw all the issues were on their exes part. They wanted her back. They wanted the quick fix but they weren’t willing to recognize that something that she didn’t like, whether she was correct or not, I didn’t properly try to address it or listen. So you need to be willing to address the real issue. So stay in no contact. Don’t reach out to her. And think specifically: This woman that you were talking to, or if you’re still talking to her, what is the agenda here? Why are you talking to her? Or more specifically, why is she talking to you?
If you know, let’s just say it like this, if a woman is in a relationship or if you are in a relationship with a woman and another woman is interested in you she will know if she has integrity and she knows that you have a girlfriend. She probably won’t message you very often. If you are normal friends, yeah, you will be messaging every now and then. Maybe you see some story of each other and you have some fun, laugh about something, but it’s not like you’re craving each other’s attention. You’re with your friends. Sometimes you just have that sporadic random message where you talk about something, right. You know what I mean. But if there’s attraction, every opportunity where there’s an opening like a new story, something funny that she saw or that you saw on her story, you’ll take that chance and you start a conversation, right. So if that was kind of the case, then you should think twice about what was going on there. All right, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.