Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about getting an ex back when you turned her off, when you became needy. Today’s topic by a guy is kind of a hybrid. He’s been dating a girl, they haven’t really been a couple yet or it hasn’t been really official yet, so you could say that he turned off a girl that he’s been dating, but I guess in a way you could also see this as a scenario where it’s really his ex. So let’s see what my advice is for him and ultimately, what this comes down to is that sometimes you just have to walk away if you’ve been too needy. You gotta walk away. You gotta show your ex or the girl that you’ve been dating that you are no longer needy. If you are chasing her, if you’re pursuing her more, it just shows her “I still need you” and it’s the difference between needing a girl, needing a woman, or wanting her.
Because if you want her back, then you are fine if she doesn’t come back. You’re going to find another woman. You’re going to hook up with other women. You’re going to pursue your purpose. You’re going to pursue whatever is important to you and it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t come back. It’s nice if she does come back but if she doesn’t, it’s fine! There’s another woman that you can meet next week, and actually, I want to share something interesting. So I have a lot of friends in Asia. Or people who are nomads. They travel a lot and one of my friends, he has been stuck in the US and he just moved back to Bali. I’m going to move back to Bali very soon. He made it sooner than me and he’s very excited to meet new women.
He just can’t wait to meet all of these women and he doesn’t care about any other woman from the past because now he got the life. He can meet some women. He’s excited to be by the beach. And you know, he’s going to enjoy his life. And he has an ex as well that he actually cares about and that he would want to be back with. But if she doesn’t come back it probably won’t interest him anymore because he can meet other women. So that’s the kind of mind frame, the mindset that you need to be in. Just date other women and if she comes back, it’s great. If not, you’re a king! You’re gonna find another woman! So let’s see what is my advice. Let’s go into the message.
Hey coach, I am not sure what to do with my ‘ex’-girlfriend whom I dated four months ago. To be clear, I wrote ex in quotes because our relationship wasn’t that serious yet. I mean, to me it was serious, but it wasn’t official yet whether we were a couple or not. We just spent a lot of time together and also had a lot of sex. I often stayed overnight at her place and she’d often come over to mine, but we didn’t have a clear understanding about being in a relationship. although I think you could say that we were a couple already. However, we hadn’t really talked about where to take our relationship next.
Yeah, so I can understand why you’re saying that she was your ex. I would say this was essentially a relationship. This is actually the perfect way how relationships should develop. You don’t put labels on it. It just smoothly transitions into something serious. So you’ve been hanging out, you’ve been hooking up, you’ve been having a lot of sex. It was great. You’ve been staying over a lot of times, you spent a lot of time together, basically, and eventually, the next step would most likely be not to say “Hey are we a couple?“… Maybe that could happen if the girl asks you “Are we a couple? What are we? What’s up with us?” but most of the time you just ask “Hey you want to move in together?” and then at that point, you know that you’re a couple. So you could say this was a relationship already. At least it was like 90 percent there.
So it makes sense that you really miss her and that it hurts you and we can treat this as an ex back situation. Of course, it’s kind of a dating situation as well. See it however you want to see it. But essentially it’s the same scenario. It’s the same outcome that you want to achieve. And it’s the same criteria. You’re both already attached to each other. You both already care for each other. But let’s see what went wrong.
Anyway, I felt really close to her and being with her was amazing! The problem that I have is that I became insecure and needy before we stopped seeing each other.
So before they broke up, basically, he became needy and insecure…
Back then I got stressed too much with my job because it turned into a total shitstorm! We had this project at work that was supposed to be just another normal project but then a lot of things went wrong at work. Some of our contractors just disappeared overnight and because of that, I ended up working like crazy for months.
Fuck that sucks! You can imagine… Imagine if you’re supposed to work on a project and the people who you’re supposed to work with just disappear overnight! So this guy must have been extremely stressed. He probably had to do some of the work himself, or find replacements. So he was really busy.
He was very distracted, basically, and he says: “At that time, I neglected her a lot. And on top of that, when that happened, she started spending more time on her own.”
Makes total sense! So you became super stressed, it wasn’t a clearly defined relationship yet, you basically neglected her a lot, I assume, right? Then she felt neglected, obviously, and then she starts spending time with her girlfriends, or other people. If it’s not exclusive yet, maybe even with other guys, who knows? I’m not gonna judge her here. But could it be the case as well. The bottom line is she got turned off and sought attention from other people, from outside forces, basically, because this was not going in the right direction for her anymore, and she wondered “Is this going to be the same always?” I don’t know how long you’ve been dating but it can’t be that long yet. So most likely, what happened there was, she probably thought “Okay, is this going to be like this forever? Is he always going to have these shitty work situations?” She can’t know that, of course, but that must have been how she felt. So she got turned off.
We still spent some time together but things felt different when we were together and I let it get to me and chased and said a lot of stupid things. We even had sex once where I couldn’t come/cum because I was overthinking so much during sex, and I told her that I was overthinking when she asked me if something was wrong. After that, she became very distant and I became even needier. I am sure she could tell because I was feeling so extremely anxious non-stop back then. I was overthinking like crazy.
So that must have turned her off like crazy. Put yourself into her shoes. Women want to be cherished. Women wanna be loved. Women want to know that they are lovable. And when you say during sex that you’re overthinking… Because of work, I assume, or maybe also because you’re needy about her, could be as well. It could all be a mix of emotions, of course. Now you’re overthinking. You can’t come. That is one bad thing already. But then you’re also telling her that you were overthinking during sex. Imagine what a woman is going to think! She’s going to think “Wait, what is wrong with me?!” She might actually feel that there’s a problem with her.
Now, I’m not saying that this is exactly how she felt, but clearly, it’s a turn-off if you tell a woman that you just had sex with her and you weren’t even thinking about sex. That is a total ego killer for her. She might think “Am I not attractive enough? Is there something wrong with me?” Either way, she’s not gonna feel happy about this and that is not a good thing to say to a woman. So clearly, this must have turned her off like crazy. The insecurity of yours was a turn off. That by itself is also a huge turn off. So not a good thing to say. So let’s see where it goes.
I tried to spend time with her a few times but she always said that she was busy. She clearly had lost interest, so at first, I backed off a bit, but messaged her twice to check if she was free.
So what you should have done is just not message her. You should have just backed off. That would have been the right thing to do. And then not chase anymore. Because she was already turned off. If you just message her more and you already were needy, it basically just repeats the same neediness. She’s already turned off. Whenever she thinks of you, she doesn’t have positive emotions in that moment. So now you reached out again and she’s basically just seeing “he’s chasing again. He’s not getting the message. I don’t want to see him anymore. I don’t want to see you anymore. And you’re not getting it! You’re still chasing me“… And she doesn’t want that right now. As much as that hurts, that’s just how it is. And it’s up for you to decide if you want her back or not, because if a woman doesn’t want you, you gotta think twice if you want her back.
Getting an ex back is great if all the criteria are right. Relationships are not perfect. Sometimes we break up and this is a situation where I would say it’s fine to get back. You said something that was turning her off a lot, basically. Plus, you neglected her. But in other scenarios, you have to really think about this. You are a king and you deserve a woman who wants you. And there would be an argument here to make: Look you neglected her… It’s understandable, but also, your stress at work and all of the stuff with the contractor… Any man, any person, any woman as well… They would feel super stressed and it’s up to your partner to support you. So can she support you? That’s another thing that you should ask yourself.
It’s up to you, obviously, to decide that. But that’s something that needs to work long-term. At the very least, if you get back together. If you get her back in the future, if something like this happens again, she needs to be willing to say “I understand you’re stressed right now. I love you, babe. I will support you. We’ll get through this” and then when it’s over, it’s all good. That’s what a relationship needs to be like. So think about that. Food for thought. He then says… Well, let me just drink something. Got dry lips. “I don’t know how to proceed now because I haven’t seen her or heard from her for four months if I don’t count her turning me down.” So roughly four months of no contact, although you’ve been messaging a little bit there, so let’s just deduct one month maybe.
So three months real no contact, basically and he says “I’m not sure if I should message her again? Fortunately, our seriously fucked up project is finished and I am no longer stressed. This was so bad back then and I’m glad it’s over. I think that maybe I need to show her that the shitty phase of my life is over. What would you suggest in a situation like this? How can I approach this to increase her attraction for me again.”
So no, I don’t think you should show her that the shitty phase is over. She should just inquire. If she really cares about you, she’s going to be curious. If she hasn’t heard from you, after a while she’s going to wonder “Is that over? Was that just a phase?” and if you now try to prove to her “Look, this was just a phase!“… It’s just another case of chasing her. Of being needy. And in a way, being insecure. Now, clearly, you are much more secure again because all of this shit at work is done now. So you must feel much better and you feel confident to actually date her again. That is a good thing but if we think about it, that wasn’t the only thing that turned her off. The thing in the bedroom also turned her off. I would not message her. What you need to do is you need to walk away!
And you said it yourself: Right now things are great again. I am happy for you if you can get your ex back. I’m happy for you if she reaches out. And when she reaches out, then you seduce her. Then it’s a clear sign that she’s thinking about you and that she realized “I wasn’t really fair to you” or “I was a bit too fast with this decision. I should have cut you some slack.” She’s gonna think about this. Any reasonable woman is going to realize she kind of made a mistake there. But you gotta wait for that. What I suggest to you is because things are better now with your life, you should date some other women. Start dating other women. If she comes back, if she reaches out, it’s fine. Then you just start dating from scratch. It seems like everything was fine but you know, circumstances really fucking sucked and you weren’t exclusive yet. So that makes sense why she left, because she didn’t want to commit to something where she already doesn’t feel happy after a few months.
So wait for her to reach out. Do not message her. Don’t try to get her attention with social media. I also necessarily wouldn’t make any specific Facebook posts, TikTok videos, or something like that. Stories that show how great life is. Just live your life. Be a king. Unleash the king within. Be happy and she’s gonna notice that. That’s all you have to do. And you should go on dating apps again. There’s a chance that she’s not gonna come back. I don’t think that she’s not gonna come back, but there is a chance. I think this situation is recoverable but you gotta wait. You gotta stay patient. Don’t chase her. Instead, chase other women. That means go on Tinder. Go on some dates. Hook up. Have some fun. Be like my friend who moved to Bali. He’s probably about to start dating now.
Actually, he sent me a picture of a girl that he’s basically about to bang on the first day when he got there. Or he’s about to bang… And I’m not sure if he did but you know… Live your life. Enjoy your life. That’s what you need. And then, when she comes back, you can talk about this.
“Look, this was really bad timing. I’m sorry that this happened. This obviously sucked.“
And you don’t have to be super serious about this. You don’t have to bring up all the problems. I definitely wouldn’t bring up the problems in the bedroom. Don’t talk about this. You just had a weak moment. That’s it. So just keep it cool. Keep up no contact. Keep on walking away. If she comes back, then obviously you don’t keep on walking away further. You just wait for her to reach out and as soon as you get that signal that she cares about you, that is when you try to facilitate for a date to happen. And then you just get back to normal. This was not a bad breakup. You didn’t have a fight. There was no bad blood there. Anything like that. No drama involved.
Basically, it was just bad timing. I guess you could say. So if you want to get her back and she comes back, then just have another date. And I’m pretty sure after two weeks, not even, probably on the first date, you’re already gonna make out, you’re probably gonna have sex again, and then you just keep on moving forward like you already did. And eventually, you gotta move in together, of course, and be a proper couple, so that it’s a bit more clearly defined and then if something like this happens in the future, where there’s a lot of stress on one of your parts, you have a clear commitment to each other. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within. I’ll see all of you kings soon.