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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about mutual breakups. What happens if both of you agree to break up? And in my opinion, there’s no such thing as a mutual breakup. Sure, you can both agree to break up, but typically it’s one person who comes up with the idea to break up.
Mutual Breakup No Contact: Did Your Ex Suggest To Break Up Or Was It You?
To give you an example that has nothing to do with breakups. Let’s say you work in a company and your company is selling some kind of product and you have your management team. And every week you sit together and you discuss all your strategies for your company and you’re the person who thinks “Well, this product here that we’re selling is bullshit. Nobody wants it. Why are we selling this? We’re only losing money with this!” And you keep on trying to suggest, “Hey, we should just stop selling this product!” And for weeks, months, years, nobody wants to stop selling this product. But then after some long time of you trying to convince people, “hey, this is not working out“, finally people will realize, “Yeah, actually this product we’re selling is just making us lose a lot of money. Why are we selling this?” And then everybody agrees mutually “Yep, we’re gonna stop selling this product because this is a waste of our time and our resources.”
Yeah, sure, you all agreed mutually to stop selling the product, but it was you who initially, like a year ago, already realized this product is basically not good for the company and you tried to keep on convincing people to say, “Hey, let’s stop selling this product.” Eventually, you all agreed to it, but you’re the one who came up with the idea. Now, if your girlfriend, for example, came up with the idea to break up and then you agreed, “Yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to stay together because it didn’t work out or it doesn’t work out between the two of us. We’re fighting too much“, whatever reasons why you’re not getting along. And then you say, yep, we’re gonna break up, fine. And then you say, hmm, actually this was a bad decision, but we both agreed to break up, so it was a mutual breakup, so what do I do now? The reality is that probably it was your girlfriend who suggested the breakup. And even if you both agreed to break up, it was her who initiated it, so that’s how I see it. So let’s get into the situation of a guy who basically has been in a situation like this. They have been very unhappy in their relationship for a while and then his girlfriend suggested breaking up and he eventually agreed to it and now he regrets it. So let’s see what is my advice for him.
Hi, Coach Andy, I hope you can advise me on a very shitty situation with my ex-girlfriend. It seems to me that there’s no hope in getting back with my ex-girlfriend because our breakup was a mutual decision.
Now, like I just said, I don’t think there are mutual breakups really. Someone initiates the breakup and even if you both agree, one of the person has basically the upper hand here. And yes, even if you both agree to break up, that doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t regret to break up. So if you both agree to break up and if your girlfriend, for example, suggested to break up, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t think, hmm, this is kind of painful. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t miss you. It doesn’t mean that maybe she doesn’t think this was a huge mistake and I want to undo the mistake, but maybe she doesn’t know how to do it. So, even if you had a mutual breakup, that doesn’t mean that it’s hopeless and that, there’s nothing you can do about this or that she won’t come back or that she won’t miss you. So that’s just something important to keep in mind.
We Agreed To Break Up: Deciding To Do Mutual No Contact With Ex Girlfriend
To tell you what happened. My ex and I had a classic up-and-down relationship with more fights happening after roughly the first year. Essentially in our second year of the relationship, there were a lot of ways how we didn’t get along. Too much meaningless fighting over small shit that we shouldn’t have. We were like enemies in our own home and eventually my girlfriend suggested that we’d break up.
I didn’t really want it at first, but I kind of understood where she was coming from. She said that there was something missing between the two of us and we don’t see eye to eye. So she thinks it’s best that we let the relationship go before we hate each other completely. She said she didn’t want our relationship to get any worse and she was afraid to get hurt any further.
See, so it was her who wanted to break up! So she said that there was something missing and she doesn’t want to get hurt any further. Now, what was really missing? Does she not love you? No, that’s not the thing. The thing is she’s not happy. You’re fighting all the time. You said that you were like enemies in your own home and she felt like this is hurting her and she didn’t want that. Does it mean that she’s not in love with you or that she doesn’t have feelings for you? No, it’s just in that moment, she was lacking something that made her feel “I wanna stay in this relationship.” You could have probably turned this around if you would have basically found the courage to talk about it and try to figure out how to solve the problem. But she basically thought there’s nothing we can do. Maybe she tried to do something. Maybe she tried to communicate with you before how to solve it and you didn’t know how to fix it basically or you weren’t listening properly and eventually, she broke up or she gave up hope that it can be resolved and then she suggested, hey, let’s just break up.
Now, it maybe also was her fault. Maybe she didn’t do all the right things. Maybe she just gave up too quickly. It doesn’t really matter who was at fault here, but you both essentially didn’t take the time to say, “Before we break up, why don’t we try to resolve this problem instead of just saying we’re hurting each other and this is not meant to be?” Ultimately, if two people love each other, you’re both going to resolve it. You’re going to figure out how to solve it. You’re gonna sit down on a table or you’re gonna read a relationship book or you’re gonna talk to a relationship counselor or to a relationship coach or you’re going to sit down with some of your friends who also discussed their relationships. You’re gonna find some solution to try to make it work. You obviously didn’t do that and she basically wanted the easy way out, which is: “I don’t want to get hurt any further. So let me suggest to break up.” And who was more at fault here? I can’t say. You would need to give me more details here or book a coaching session with me, but ultimately you gave up too quickly. Both of you gave up too quickly. You probably could have resolved it, but you didn’t.
We Were Hurting Each Other: Despite The Mutual Breakup We Still Love Each Other
I didn’t want the breakup, but I agreed that it was best to go our own ways because I could see that she was hurting a lot from the fights. I don’t think she necessarily hated me, nor did I hate her. We just had too much stress and didn’t know how to resolve all the tension at times. I still love her a lot and I want to believe that she feels the same way, but the problem is that our breakup was a mutual decision. It wasn’t super dramatic or rather I guess it was as calm as a breakup possibly could be.
There’s typically nothing calm about a breakup. Even if you mutually agree to break up, it freaking hurts. If you dedicate your life and your time to a person for extended periods of times, that’s just freaking painful. You’ve been together for something like, was it two years, right? So you said after the first year it got hurtful. And I think if I remember correctly, you said two years that you’ve been together roughly. So that’s a relatively long time. Of course, it could be longer, but it’s quite painful. After a year together with a person that you truly love, even if you both agree, “we’re not making this work” and it’s kind of painful. Even if you break up and it was relatively calm and not too dramatic, it’s still freaking painful. And you said that there was a lot of tension and that’s why you actually broke up, right? So you didn’t know how to resolve the tension. So even though you mutually agreed that this is not working out, there was obviously a lot of emotion before that that led to that.
Now I give you kudos, both of you. You were essentially adults about how you broke up. So that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t mean that there wasn’t a lot of emotions left in the relationship. And I don’t think that she doesn’t love you. I mean, obviously, she was hurting a lot from the way that things weren’t working out. So you only feel hurt by something not working out if you actually give a shit. If you would be in a relationship with someone and you wouldn’t care and they hurt you or they don’t make you happy, it wouldn’t hurt you. It would just be like: “Yeah, this is not for me. I’m out of here, sayonara, and I’m gonna find someone else.” But clearly, it’s hurting her. She wants it to work out, but it is not working out. So I wouldn’t be worried that she doesn’t love you because clearly, that was the case. So, you shouldn’t be worried about, oh, this was a mutual decision and we made a clear cut and now it’s over, there’s no hope. No. Ultimately, it’s just about her finding the courage to reach out to you again. And you gotta stick to no contact right now and wait for her to reach out to you. Now let’s see what you say here though.
After A Painful Breakup: Give Your Ex The Time To Miss You And Make Her Question Her Decision
I’m not saying that the breakup was stoic or anything. We both cried a lot. When we broke up. And clearly neither of us was happy to break up because like I said, we fucking loved each other like crazy. But there was no drama in the sense of her being super mad at me or me trying to hold on and trying to stop the breakup from happening. We just both agreed that we weren’t going anywhere with the relationship. It eventually ended it. It was painful as fuck and the problem is, I think I made a huge mistake. I think it wasn’t the right decision to break up.
See?! So that’s how you feel, right? How does she feel? She probably feels similarly. Now, I can’t guarantee you that she feels that way, but you clearly cared about each other. You said it yourself, it was painful as fuck. There was some crying involved. You loved each other like crazy, but you basically decided prematurely, okay, we don’t know really how to resolve this. We don’t know how to make each other happy. And then you eventually both agreed to let it go essentially. Does that mean that you don’t freaking love each other? No, obviously you just stayed at that. So your question is, or your problem that you’re having is, you feel like, okay, I agreed to the breakup. She suggested it. I said yes, and then we agreed to it relatively calmly. There was no fighting there. It was painful and we cried, but in the end we went our separate ways.
Now, you’re telling yourself “I made a mistake by suggesting or by agreeing to her to break up.” You basically feel like, “I essentially enabled her to just walk away and this is the worst way that I could have possibly done it.” Now, of course, I’m not gonna lie to you if it would have been a little bit more, let’s just say you didn’t have so much of a say in the decision, it probably would be a little bit easier for you to get her back, ironically, because she would be a little bit more feeling like she has all the power. And then all of a sudden, she doesn’t have the power anymore when you walk away. And also most likely there would have been a little bit more fighting going on, which actually increases your chances of getting back together. That said, like you said, there was some kind of drama in the sense of, it was really painful. So let’s see what is my conclusion here once you wrap it up.
Breaking Up Was A Mistake: But Does She Regret Breaking Up With Me As Much As I Do?
We only have been broken up for three weeks and I know I’m being very emotional and subjective with this assessment, but I just don’t think we should have given up on each other so easily. We didn’t really try to make it work properly. We just looked at all the bad stuff, but now that I’m alone at home without her, I realized that there was so much good stuff, the bad sides couldn’t possibly outweigh that. I miss her so much, but I don’t know what I should do now. Should I pursue her and let her know how I feel or do I let it go? The thought of just giving up literally disgusts me. I can’t just throw everything away like that. I feel like I should be fighting for our relationship, but I don’t know what she feels about it. I’d really appreciate how you see the situation and I’ll be eternally grateful for your advice on what I should do. Thanks so much.
Well, ultimately you gotta wait for her to come back. She’s the one who suggested the breakup. Should you pursue her? Should you tell her that, “Hey, I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have just agreed to the breakup and I think this was a big mistake. I think you were wrong about this. I know I’ve been hurting you, but I should have tried to make you happier.” Should you do something like this? No. She wanted the breakup even if you agreed to it. It was her who initiated it. Like I said, there’s no such thing as mutual breakups unless you both exactly at the same time had the idea, “Hey, let’s break up.” It wasn’t a mutual decision. Yes, you in the end came to the mutual conclusion to end it, but it was her who initiated it. It was her who said, “I’m feeling hurt and I don’t know how to resolve this. I don’t know how to make you make me feel more loved. So I’m just gonna walk away from this.” She maybe could have been a little bit more patient and tried to make it work more. I don’t know how much have you been trying actually.
Now, I talked with a friend of mine or a barista of mine recently. He’s with a girl and he’s basically not happy with his girlfriend. He’s quite young. He’s a barista and he’s still a student. And basically, I gave him some advice. And it has been really clear to me that he hasn’t even tried to really resolve the problems with his girlfriend. His girlfriend isn’t happy with some of the things that he’s doing. And he’s just feeling like walking away. And I told him, “Well, you should just try to actually talk about these issues.” And he clearly hasn’t done it. So his girlfriend is always upset with him for certain reasons and they’re not really resolving it. She feels like he should just listen to what she wants. And he feels like, “No, that’s not how I see it.” And he doesn’t wanna actually talk through the problems with her. Whenever they try to talk about it, they’re just having a fight. She cries and nothing gets resolved. And so he’s giving up too quickly. He should have just basically tried to spend some more time with his girlfriend to get through the stage where she’s always crying and show her that, “No, he just wants to make it work.” And eventually, they will probably resolve it. And the same thing kind of happened here.
Instead of just trying to spend more time, more effort to actually try to resolve it, she was basically like, “Ah, you’re just hurting me and I don’t think there’s anything that we can do here.” The question is, does she still feel that way? She probably actually misses you. Just because she made that decision initially doesn’t mean that she actually doesn’t think that, “Look, this might’ve been a big mistake.” And exactly what you just said yourself, it’s been three weeks since the breakup and you’re home alone and it’s really lonely. Now, she might not be home alone or she might be meeting new guys. It’s obviously easier for a woman to meet a new guy after a breakup. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t freaking miss you and that she doesn’t realize, “You know what, why did I actually make that decision? He was a good boyfriend actually.” And it sounds to me that you were not a bad boyfriend. So it’s really just that there was too much tension. You didn’t know how to resolve it. But overall, she has no reason to not love you. So all you gotta do is wait. You gotta wait for her to pursue you. You can’t pursue her because ultimately, she initiated the breakup even if it was mutual in the end. So stick to no contact, stick to your guns and don’t message her and tell her, “Hey, I made a mistake with breaking up.” Or don’t tell her, “I made a mistake by agreeing to the breakup.” She should probably know this. She probably knows roughly how you feel.
And even if she’s not 100% certain about it, she needs to get over her ego. She needs to say, “Look, this was basically my choice. Initially, he didn’t want it. He eventually agreed to it, but it was my mistake. And I’m gonna take the high road and I’m gonna message him and I’m gonna check in on him, or I’m gonna tell him that I made a mistake.” She’s gonna have to take some first step. And that’s what you gotta do as a man. Respect yourself, even in a situation where it’s a little bit of a gray area. Respect yourself enough to walk away from a woman who chose to basically walk away from you. So that’s my advice for you. You shouldn’t do anything right now, except for being patient. And look, you both agreed mutually to walk away from this. Will she come back? Maybe, maybe not. But honestly, it’s up to her. You shouldn’t pursue her at all because you didn’t make a mistake. So what I suggest is focus on yourself, focus on whatever’s important to you right now. Maybe not start dating yet, but think about becoming open to the idea of dating because you never know what’s gonna happen here. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments below what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.