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No contact rule after you dump her! How to get her back after messing up?

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? It’s Andy Graziosi, helping unleash your confidence. Grab your favorite beverage. Today we’re going to talk about breakup mess-ups. With that I mean when you broke up and it basically was a mistake. And maybe you’ve done it because it was very emotional, the decision. Maybe it was very impulsive. You didn’t think it through and then, of course, you realize ooh damn, I made a mistake. But then, probably, your ex-girlfriend is really annoyed. She’s pissed. She’s disappointed. She doesn’t want anything to do with you. What to do in a case like this? So I have a situation from a fairly young guy. He is 26 and he kind of made a mistake and he probably didn’t know how insecure he was and well, let’s see what happens and what is my advice for him.

Hi coach, I messed up so much with my ex-girlfriend by breaking up without thinking properly about it. It was a spontaneous and jealous decision and looking back I realized that I overreacted so much. So to give you an idea of what happened… This happened almost three weeks ago and my ex and I had been a couple for a little longer than one and a half years and have been living together for almost the entire time. I’m 26 she’s 24 and we are both really ambitious people. I work for a startup as a marketing manager but I’m also working on a marketing startup on the side.

My ex knows how important my startup is for me and I work like crazy to be successful with it. I do a lot of pitching to potential investors and one night my ex was at a startup networking event in the evening. I wasn’t there because I still had to work. So anyway, my ex-girlfriend messaged me that she was going to be home a little bit late because she’s having food and drinks with two of the investors whom she met there. Anyway, long story short: One of those guys at the event who was working for the investor was a relatively young guy. He looked like he was reaching his 30s. I got super jealous when my ex came home almost at midnight which was much later than I expected.

So you’re basically being a little bit insecure because of this guy. She’s meeting these investors and these guys basically have power. You say it yourself: You’re working on your business, your startup. You’re pretty young, 26, you probably don’t know so much what you’re doing and so if you’re pitching your startup… I have some experience in this field. Typically, when you’re pitching that means your business, your startup is useless for the most part. Not always, but typically you can only pitch to investors if your business is actually making money.

So I’m assuming that you’re in this stage right now where you are hustling and building your startup but actually, it’s not really growing. So you’re probably feeling very stressed. So that might play into the situation with this guy, the investor. He is something like in his 30s or early 30s. He works for the investor. He’s probably not an investor at this age but he works for them, but he basically has the power and he would potentially have the power over you. So he’s a man of power and your ex might see that and so this is why you might be a little bit insecure about the whole situation even though maybe nothing there happened. So let’s see what is my opinion about did something happen?

We then had a really big fight about that because I was really angry and told her that I don’t trust her and that I wanted to break up. My ex left our place and stay with her old dorm mate and that’s when I realized really quickly that I made a stupid decision.

So you realize already it’s a stupid decision. There are two things that I want to talk about here. Number one: You say it yourself… You thought that you can’t trust her but why? Has she ever done anything that made you feel like she betrayed your trust? Was this a one-time thing? Basically, was it about her, or was it really about you? I have a feeling it was rather about you? If there’s no real pattern of your ex, or your girlfriend meeting up with guys regularly, or coming home late regularly, something like this, then there’s no real pattern and then it’s most likely that she’s not cheating on you. And I actually have a feeling that perhaps, just perhaps, she was talking to these investors to help you out. You never know. If you don’t mention any signs of her doing something like this more often in the past, then I think you just overreacted and maybe she tried to help you get in touch with these investors. You never know.

But the other thing that I also want to mention here why I think that you overreacted with this entire situation is you said that she came home roughly almost at midnight. So before midnight. So you have to think about this… Could she actually have cheated on you or made out with some guy, or something like this, betrayed your trust, let’s just walk through the timetable… You probably didn’t think this through! If that is a networking event for startups, let’s say it starts at 6:30, 7:30, something like that. Then the event will take like at least an hour or something like this. Now it’s probably already nine. Then these networking guys, the startup guys, probably still do some networking with the people there. Then it’s maybe 10, maybe at 10 they wrap it up and then they go home or they have some drinks with some people that they met there which was your ex. So then they had food or drinks, or both, together at let’s say at 10, 11 and then she has to drive home. So let’s say the commute takes another… I don’t know… Maybe let’s say 20 minutes, 15 minutes. Maybe even shorter but there’s no way that something could have happened in that time if you just go through the timetable, logically.

So clearly, you overthought everything and as soon as some other guy was in the picture who basically meant nothing to your ex, most likely, basically, she never met this guy she didn’t know this guy. Sure, this guy probably was attractive. He had social status but she probably just wanted to help you out. Now, don’t get me wrong! There could be some scenarios where that could be a sign of your ex monkey branching, hooking up with other guys, or looking for a replacement for you, but if everything mostly was fine and there was no pattern of it happening before, then I think you just completely overreacted and it was all about your insecurity and of course, that really pisses off your ex. So you said it yourself you made a stupid decision and you realized it really, really quickly. So let’s see where it goes.

After I snapped out of it and came to my senses I freaked out because I realized how badly I had fucked up and I was afraid that I couldn’t fix it because the way I broke up was so bad. It basically came out of nowhere for her and when I tried begging, she was extremely angry at me and told me that I am an immature asshole and she said, and I quote: ‘I can’t believe that we’ve been together for almost two years and you would treat me like this. I wasted all this time with you’…

So you can see she’s clearly really pissed. She’s really angry. She didn’t see this coming because I have a feeling she was 100% committed to you. There was not any sign of a pattern most likely here and like I said she probably just wanted to help you. She didn’t really care about this guy. She just wanted to get in touch with him so that she can probably connect you with him because he’s an investor. So if this was like a pitch fest or something like this, then they were basically looking for startups to invest in and so that could have been beneficial for you and so she probably used her female charms to talk to these guys, have some good connections. Women are really great at this. Talking to men, but also in general, they know how to socialize and maybe you are not that great at socializing, who knows? So she was trying to help you out.

Then all of a sudden, you throw the bomb. She comes home a little bit late, then it was not even midnight, and you break up that’s like “What the fuck just happened?!“… and she probably couldn’t believe it and she just was so done with you at that point. She was so disappointed and she thought that you’re a piece of shit, honestly, most likely, and you probably know why.

I tried appealing to her and telling her how sorry I was and that I know that I made a huge mistake but she didn’t care and gave me only one-liner replies until she said that I need to stop messaging her, that she needs space and wants time for herself. We’ve been broken up for almost three weeks and I am starting to think that this can’t be fixed. I fucked up too much and I can’t take back what I did. I hate myself and the way I reacted to her.

So clearly, you need to wait for this to cool down a little bit and stop messaging her. And the good thing is you have remorse. That’s the first step to improve. She can realize that you’ve made a big mistake and that you’ve been really messed up with this decision but, of course, it revealed a little bit how insecure you are. How immature you are. How impulsive you are. So of course, that is sowing a few doubts for her but all you can do right now is wait and give it some time because otherwise you’re just gonna piss her off more. Right now she must be incredibly furious. I don’t think that she’s in that stage where you know, a lot of relationships, they just become worse and worse, and then you become so hopeless and you just want to get out of it eventually, and eventually, it just breaks up because it’s so bad and you just don’t think that it’s ever going to work out…

I don’t think she’s really at that stage. I think she’s just more at the stage of real big anger right now. But that anger can fade again. So the first thing that you need to do is stop messaging her. Stop convincing her. She already knows that you made a mistake. She already knows that you know. And it’s pretty obvious for both of you. What she needs is, she needs some time to think about can she trust you again? Can she trust you that you won’t do a mistake like this ever again?

So you’re both relatively young. It seems like something like this has never happened in your relationship. So she has seen some of your bad sides now but overall, the question that you should ask yourself is was the relationship on average better than it was worse? If it, for the most part, was always pretty good then she can change her mind about this and realize okay you made an impulsive decision but that can be resolved. It’s not an easy one. This one, you definitely screwed up a lot here, so she needs to be the one who is willing to take the high road and you already apologized, basically. So now give her some time to think about it and she said it herself: She needs some space and some time to think and very often when a woman says that it’s very cliche, but I think she really means that because it came out of nowhere. She doesn’t really know what to think right now. So give it some time.

I’ve been crying so much in the last two weeks because I miss her. I can’t believe that I broke up with her like this. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping because this is the way she remembers me now: As a jealous, immature man who’s emotionally unstable. I couldn’t blame her for that because this is how I feel right now. I am feeling awful about myself and don’t know what I should do. I haven’t heard from my ex in two days since she told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me. What do I do now?

So like I said already, you need to give her the space. It is normal to feel like shit and it’s actually a good thing because you need to realize that this is a part of you that probably needs a little bit of fixing. You’re probably a little bit too insecure here. You basically went batshit crazy. You probably have an anxious attachment style and you completely overreacted. So that’s something that you need to fix or at least become more aware of. I’m assuming this just didn’t come out of nowhere. You probably already felt a little bit insecure and then it just blew up in her face. I’m assuming you maybe have never told her how you felt about things like that. About insecurity or about jealousy with other guys.

And I don’t know how many reasons she gave you to be jealous and how much you’re just reading into this and thinking that there’s something when there’s nothing going on. Really, like I said that guy… She didn’t know that guy. She probably didn’t care about that guy. She never met this guy in her life and maybe she’s not even from your country. A lot of these pitching guys, they fly from one country to another because their accelerators look for the entire region. So I don’t know your situation but you know, this guy might have not been any competition for you at all. So you need to think about this. Why did you react like that? What can you change about that and then also, how can you talk about this with your ex? Clearly, that is something that you need to address.

You need to talk about your insecurities and why you reacted like this and how you can do it better in the future and probably you need to talk about things when you feel like this more often before they blow up. So if you ever think that there’s something going on with another guy, or if you’re feeling insecure about another guy, or feeling insecure because some guy is checking out your girlfriend, things like that tell it to her, or at least think about it, reflect about it. Do some journaling and think about what does it actually mean? Are you reading too much into the situation or is there real cause for concern? So that’s what you need to do. You need to reflect on this and you also need to give her some time so that she forgets all the bad stuff.

I’m not gonna lie to you: This is a very difficult situation. You definitely pissed her off a lot and right now she lost a lot of faith in you. So by chasing her you just make it worse at this point. I think you’ve already chased her enough. She knows that you’ve made a mistake and that you want her back and you have to promise her that you’re not going to make a mistake like this ever again later on, when she reaches out to you. And then you get back together and then you can talk about this but not sooner. I think it is much more likely anyways that she is going to bring up this problem because this probably really annoyed her because this is most likely something that she really does not like and she will never want to see from you ever again.

So I have a feeling she eventually is going to reach out to you and then either you go on dates again or maybe you talk about the subject and I think she’s gonna bring it up. So you need to be prepared for that talk. Reflect on it. Think about why did you actually do that. Did you feel insecure about your work? About your startup? About other guys who are more successful than you? Do you feel not successful in yourself? What is it that caused you to do that? And it’s all about unleashing the king within. It’s great to hustle and work on your business and be all about achievements but what if these achievements make you feel insecure? Are you chasing your success in the right way? Or are you doing it in a way that makes you feel worse about yourself than you actually should?

Because obviously, if you’re building a business, a startup something that you think has meaning, is important, that solves a real problem, then you should think that you’re awesome. So then there should be no way that some other guy, like some investor guy like this should be competition. So you have to think about this. Food for thought. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think about this. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within!

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Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help men unleash their confidence and reach their fullest potential. My science-backed philosophy is: “The king is already a winner.” — Amazing women are already attracted to you. All a king has to do is use this attraction to his advantage.

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