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No Contact Rule And Birthdays? Wishing An Ex Happy Birthday Is BAD!

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video, I want to talk about the reality that if you message your ex for any reason, for a birthday, for Christmas, any occasion… It always backfires. It almost never works. There could be some very rare scenario where messaging your ex because of her birthday might work because she really missed you like crazy, and she has been doing awful, and she just wants to get back with you so badly… But almost always, this is going to backfire. It will just decrease the attraction she has for you further, and obviously, that’s not what you want. So let’s get right into the topic today. Let’s see what I have to say about the situation from a guy who messaged his ex for her birthday, and of course, it’s not going anywhere. So let’s see what’s my feedback.

Wishing An Ex Happy Birthday: Wishing Your Ex Happy Birthday During No Contact Makes It Worse

Hi coach, I’m feeling very depressed and hopeless about my situation with my ex-girlfriend and I hope you’ll make a video about this. The reason that I am writing you is that it was my ex’s birthday a week ago and I sent her a message wishing her a happy birthday, and quite frankly, I would like to punch myself for being so stupid. Messaging her was never the plan but it just kind of happened. But anyway, I’ll tell you about the breakup first.

So you already know yourself that messaging your ex was not good. You want to punch yourself in the face. You’ve probably been thinking about what to say and then you send a message and immediately right away, maybe a day later, maybe already when you sent the message, you regret it, and you know that this is not leading to anything, and you said it that this was not planned, right? You knew, of course, that your ex’s birthday is coming up, and most likely this was at least subconsciously in your mind, and even if you weren’t thinking “I’m gonna message my ex in two days from now” you kind of thought about this, and you wanted it, so when the birthday happened, you basically thought about her and then because you lacked conviction and because you didn’t have a clear plan, you then did something very impulsive.

It’s super important to remind yourself at all times that no, you’re not gonna message your ex, and you’re gonna stick to no contact, and no matter what happens… This is the hard part about no contact! Just randomly remembering your ex, for example, you go to a place that you’ve been with your ex. So, for example, a favorite restaurant, or your favorite street where there are lots of restaurants, or activities that you’ve done, then you’re there and all of a sudden you start thinking about her, and then what do you do? You go home, or maybe you already grab your phone and you start messaging her. No! You need to have a clear plan to not do this. And you need to remind yourself that whenever this happens, whenever you are emotional, whenever you’re not thinking everything through, you have to pull back. You have to pause. You have to stop yourself from doing this and remind yourself that this is not going to lead to a good outcome.

Because this was never the plan! The plan is no contact, and to focus on yourself. So you know this was not the right thing to do. Next time, obviously, for anybody who’s watching this, and you as well, whenever you’re feeling emotional, whenever you’re feeling impulsive, whenever something like this comes up, like a birthday, do not message her. Because certainly, it’s never gonna work. It never works out because your ex can just tell that you’re still into her, and then she’s gonna be turned off. So let’s see where this goes.

We Broke Up Before Christmas: My Ex Girlfriend Was Distant With Me Before The Breakup

Before wishing her a happy birthday, I have been in no contact for two months, since the beginning of January. We broke up a few days before Christmas because of several reasons. One of them was that my ex had been very dismissive of me and I tried to address the problem but that led to the breakup.

So actually, it’s good that you’re trying to address the problem. By the way, before I continue commenting here, I want to say I’m reading from a teleprompter right now. I’m not sure how this is working, so give me some feedback, of course. So it’s a good thing that you try to address it. Obviously, it led to the breakup but any king who can tell that something is wrong in the relationship is always going to talk to his lover. Embrace your lover. That’s what it’s about. And when you realize that something is wrong, something is off, she’s being dismissive, distant, angry, you hurt her feelings, something is up with her… She’s not the same that she used to be, then it is your job as a king to talk to her because she’s your queen and you want to make sure that you are a strong leader.

And I know this led to the breakup but you didn’t do anything wrong here. It’s important to remind yourself of this. What this just tells you is that it was too late, basically. You should have done this probably much, much sooner. So because it led to the breakup, that tells me that at that point when you tried to address it, it was already too late. She was already making up her mind to leave. She already had made up her mind to leave. And then when he addressed it, she probably didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and this was kind of like a signal for her to essentially leave. And that’s basically what she has been doing. She has been waiting for the right sign. The right moment to break up. And if you wouldn’t have addressed it, I can guarantee you, she would have eventually found a moment to break up, when you would have been having a big fight, maybe you didn’t get along, something happened that caused some stress, or a big disagreement. Whatever! She would have eventually found a reason to break up and it’s still good that you tried to address it.

I know it doesn’t feel like that because you think “I tried to address it and that screwed it up” but that’s not the case. It was already screwed up and so this is the right thing to do. Anyone watching this, keep on doing exactly that. When something is wrong in your relationship you gotta address it and, of course, you have to address this as soon as possible, because otherwise you might run the risk of addressing it but it’s too late, and then, like this guy, he basically couldn’t do anything anymore. The sooner you address whatever grievances she has of what doesn’t make her happy, the sooner she will be happy again, then she has no reason to leave you.

When Your Girlfriend Pulls Away: Never Become Insecure If Your Girlfriend Is Distant With You

I could tell that something was amiss and it started to really weigh on me because Christmas was coming up and instead of looking forward to the holidays, everything just got more stressful and my ex and I had more fights than usual. I think the stress of getting Christmas gifts and so on added to it.

No, I don’t really think that the Christmas gifts or that stress added to it, but rather, like I said, this was another excuse, another reason for her to break up. So if things are already pretty stressful between the two of you, or if she’s not happy with you, any stress, any problem that comes up like Christmas gifts or organizing your Christmas trip, your holidays… Are you gonna see your family? Her family? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go somewhere? All of these things can be quite stressful, especially when you live in a big city, for example, and so that stress by itself would already be bad, but then because she is not happy with you, she uses most likely this stress to just see “everything is bad. It would probably be so much better if I would be without you,” but it has nothing to do with you. Actually, that holiday stress basically just added to it, it essentially amplified what was already a big problem, but as I said, it’s a good thing that you noticed that there was something wrong and that you weren’t happy with it anymore, and you tried to address it.

Because most guys do the opposite. They just wait, or they don’t want to address it. They’re too afraid to talk about it. Or they don’t realize how bad it really is and then they never talk about it until they eventually get dumped and that is even more painful. So at least he had a breakup where he had control. He had some sense of control, which will make the breakup easier for him, and you can see he had no contact for two weeks… Two months, excuse me. Two months no contact. So it seems like he has been doing this quite well, whereas other guys who just don’t see it coming at all, they have a lot of anxiety, then it becomes much, much harder to have a breakup and to go through no contact. So this is also another reason why you should always be a leader and address the problems even though maybe it’s scary.

She Fell Out Of Love With Me: When Your Ex Has Been Thinking About Breaking Up For Weeks

But this didn’t happen overnight. Her dismissive behavior and the arguments have gone from just a little bit, to worse and worse, until December when I finally had the courage to talk about it. I thought talking about it would be the right thing but then she said that she loves me, but doesn’t know how to continue because she’s not in love with me and she felt that something was missing and that she has been thinking about breaking up for some time. I didn’t take it well at all and I vehemently tried to talk with her about it, and change her mind, but she just shut me out. As soon as we had that conversation, it was over. I think it was a mistake talking to her. So this now leads me to her birthday, which was yet another mistake.

And as I just said: No, I don’t think it was a mistake to talk about this. Honestly, if you wouldn’t have talked about it, she would have eventually broken up with you, and you would have been heartbroken, because you probably didn’t see it coming or you expected that well if she doesn’t bring it up, then it must be fine, but then when she would have dumped you, you’d want her back even more. Now, you say that you wanted to vehemently try to change her mind. That never works after a breakup. If she made up her mind to leave, most of the time it just won’t work. If it’s not yet nuclear… Maybe I shouldn’t say this but I like the phrasing… I guess with everything that’s going on, it’s not a good way to express it… But if the relationship is not yet nuclear, where it is so bad that it just explodes and you’re not willing to talk about anything anymore, at that point addressing it won’t really solve anything anymore.

And no matter how hard you try, you might not be able to break through her defenses. But if she still cares about you and she’s just waiting for that glimmer of hope to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, that you can work through your issues, then it might work. She says she loves you but she’s not in love with you. So sometimes you can still turn it around but like I said, obviously, the sooner you try to turn it around, the easier it is. Because if there’s just some small stuff here and there that is not too bad yet, then you talk with her about it.

You show her that you care about her. You break through her defenses. She had really strong defenses, basically, and she was like “Nah I already made my decision to break up and you can’t change my mind anymore” but if you would be doing this sooner, then there might be a chance that you could actually break through those defenses, figure out what is the problem when she says “I don’t love you anymore,” or rather, sorry, “I am not in love with you anymore“… What does that actually mean? She probably misses passion. She probably misses the sex. Maybe some emotional needs aren’t fulfilled. And so she’s telling herself that this is hopeless, when in reality it’s not, and she actually wants to see that you care about her. So the sooner that you address this, the better, and it was not a mistake to address this and talk to her about this. And now we come to the actual mistake, which is messaging her on her birthday!

Silence During No Contact: When You Don’t Hear From Your Ex Girlfriend Since No Contact Started

I haven’t heard anything from her since no contact. I talked to her a few times before that, trying to work things out. I didn’t beg desperately, but I also didn’t just give up on her like that.

Well, in your case, I would actually say that this is okay if you didn’t beg desperately and you just clearly asked her “hey, are you sure about this? Do you really want to break up? Can we just talk about this one more time?” … and then she says no… At least you’re not intrusive, and then it might be actually okay to try to figure this out. And you say it yourself. You didn’t beg but you wanted to figure it out or work through this. You’re not going to give up just like that. So just because she says “I’m not in love with you,” you’re not going to take this. So at least you want an explanation or you want at least to understand what is going on with her. What does she feel? And if you do this very calmly, there might actually be a chance to get her back. But this only works if you’re not anxious.

So I think the reason is, he already could tell that something was off, then they had a conversation, then they broke up… So because of that, he was not as anxious as if he would have never seen it coming. So because of that, he didn’t beg and because of that, he was then able to talk about it relatively calmly. But I’m going to be honest with you… For most guys of you, you should not do this. Probably at least 90% of the time, this would actually backfire and you’re just gonna put yourself in a weak position. You can ask one more time possibly about “is she really sure about this” and she will probably still say yes, she’s sure about it, but that question might actually make her wonder when she doesn’t hear from you.

During no contact, that question might actually linger, and then she will ask “Is this really what I want?” So it wasn’t bad that he messaged her in this case, but generally, of course, always keep up no contact. Otherwise, she can tell that you are still needy and desperate, and that you need her so much, and she already lost interest in you, so there’s no point in chasing when she’s already done with you at that point.

Birthday And No Contact Rule: Should You Wish Your Ex Girlfriend A Happy Birthday During No Contact?

Anyway, on her birthday, I was thinking about her and eventually sent her a quick message that said ‘hey I wish you a happy birthday. Have a great day. I hope you’re getting lots of great gifts.’… She didn’t reply to that for two days, then she thanked me for the birthday wishes but that was it. I didn’t know what to say because she only replied ‘hey, yes I had a great birthday! Thanks so much for thinking of me!’ and so now I guess I don’t know… I think it’s over. She seems to not care about me anymore, and now I feel really alone. Thinking about her birthday and that she’s having a great time made me feel like shit

So two things that I want to mention here. Obviously, you know that this didn’t work out because she basically gave you a one-liner two days after the birthday. I want you to think about what this does when you message her, especially on something like her birthday. Maybe she’s dating someone else, maybe not, it’s only been two months… Probably not. But anyway, the thing is, on her birthday, she probably doesn’t want to think about you. If she loves you, then everything has been painful. The breakup has been painful. And her birthday is the day when she’s hoping to get some peace and have some friends around and have a good time. Then she hears from you…

First of all, that’s not gonna put her in a good mood because if she had a good day, if her birthday was going quite well, having a lot of fun with her friends, but then she hears from her ex… I’m sorry to say it but it’s not gonna be good for her. She’s not gonna be happy about this. She might think about you and then she’s basically back to thinking about negative thoughts, because ultimately the breakup hurts. The second thing is she knows… If she doesn’t care at all about you right now, she knows that you still care about her a lot, and now you’re reaching out on the birthday, when she broke up with you. So that should be a clear sign that she right now doesn’t want anything to do with you and she knows that she broke up with you, so she knows that if she wants to get back with you, or if she misses you, she has to talk to you because who knows if you’re gonna get back with her, or if you’re gonna talk to her again. Because you’ve been doing no contact.

So obviously, messaging on a birthday never works, and as you can clearly see, she ignores it pretty much and she just sends a one-liner! And why does she send a one-liner? Because it’s uncomfortable. She doesn’t really know what to say about this. She probably doesn’t want to have a conversation because right now she wants to stick to the breakup and she might be afraid that if you start a new conversation, you will talk again about the breakup and about getting back together. She doesn’t want that, clearly. It always has to be her idea to get back to you, talk to you, and then she probably already has some thoughts about getting back with you, and when that is the case, she just wants to see that this is actually the right course of action.

And when that happens, all you have to do is have fun with her, hang out with her, make out again, eventually seduce her, and then when she can tell that everything’s fine, everything’s back to normal, and whatever she’s been missing in the past… Either it’s back, or she’s got some distance from all of this and realizes actually it was not so bad. “I was overreacting about everything and why didn’t I just tell him what my problem was?” So wait for her to get back to you. It never works when you message her on her birthday. It’s just a waste of time and quite frankly, it actually makes it worse! So never message an ex after a birthday.

I Miss My Ex Girlfriend On Her Birthday: Wishing Your Ex Happy Birthday During No Contact Is A Bad Idea

I know this is super selfish. I should be happy for her, which I am, but I just can’t stop thinking about her. I am still with one foot in this relationship but she just seems to be living her life and she never even talked to me during no contact. How bad was it that I sent her a message and broke no contact? I hate myself for not having self-control. Is this bad?

So is this really bad? How bad is it? First of all, I don’t think that it is selfish of yours to feel like shit when she’s having a good time. That is natural. Obviously, right now, you would usually spend that time with her and you would both be having a good time and you would be really happy to show her that you care about her and that her birthday is one of the best days in your life because you’re just grateful to wake up next to her and call her your girlfriend…. “Look at this great woman who was born on this day.” Makes sense. I think that is perfectly fine. Most guys will feel very similar about this.

But obviously, you shouldn’t read too much into these thoughts. You shouldn’t think about her too much, in general, on her birthday, because it’s just another day. I know, I just said that this is the day where you’re grateful to be with her, but if I want to be the glass-half-empty kind of guy, it’s just another day, and it doesn’t make that much difference! Does it make a difference that she’s happy on that specific day without you? Not really! What matters is that you get back together in the future. So don’t think too much about this. So how bad is it that you’ve messaged her? Is this irreversible? Well, let me give you an analogy. I don’t think so.

So this is the first time that I’m making a video like this. Standing and I’m reading your message from a teleprompter, and I don’t know yet after editing how this turns out, but this was kind of difficult for me. And so if I keep this up, is anyone gonna notice that I had trouble with the teleprompter in a week from now? Or in two years from now? Or in two months from now? No, of course, I’m just gonna fix it later on, right? And anybody who watches this video might figure out something was wrong on that specific day, but that is in the past. With a woman, it’s just like that. Just like my video, it will be in the past in a week from now. It won’t matter that you messaged her on her birthday.

Yes, it matters for a short while, because obviously she’s gonna remember that it just happened recently. So now she’s reminded that you are still kind of needy. You’re still a little bit desperate, and you clearly show some signs of wanting to get back together, and you’re still kind of chasing a little bit. So she knows that no contact… is it just an act? Is it a strategy? She wants to make sure that your no contact is actually not a strategy. Whether she knows about no contact and what it is… She basically doesn’t want to feel like you’re playing a game, or are playing hard to get. It’s a mind game, because she knows that if you’re doing that, if it’s all just a strategy to manipulate her, then it actually shows her that you are the one who is manipulatable. Because whenever you have to use manipulative techniques, it shows you that you lack inner game. You lack confidence. You lack inner strength.

This is also why I am not a big fan of very specific lines to say to women, or very specific tactics, or techniques. These things might work but for me that reveals lack of inner game, because I’m just gonna talk to a woman, and if I feel good about it, if our vibes are great, if we get along well, and if we’re having the same interest, and talk about the same stuff, and have the same sense of humor, all that stuff, then it’s good… But I’m not gonna make up something specifically to say to a woman because that’s manipulative. I’m trying to basically to be like… If I say exactly that kind of message to a woman, then she’s gonna approve of me, and that shows that I am weak and I need her approval. She also doesn’t want to feel that. She doesn’t want to see that you need her approval. So she wants to make sure that the no contact that you’re doing, that the fact that she’s not hearing from you, she probably doesn’t know that it’s no contact…

She just wants to know that this is happening because you are actually moving on. You accept the reality of the breakup. Now you’re living your life and when that happens, she realizes “Oh shit he is moving on. I am losing him. What if in a week from now he starts dating another woman? What if in two months from now he starts dating another woman? What if he moves on?” My take is that people rarely move on, at least they always have some feelings for the person, but of course, she doesn’t know that because she doesn’t read studies about breakups, and all that stuff. So she’s gonna be very anxious to think about “Is he moving on?“… Are you moving on? So anyone who’s watching this, if you screw up like this, with a birthday message… Does it matter? Yes, it matters for a very short time, but if you just get back to no contact and then just wait for her to reach out to you, it won’t matter that much.

And we all have weak moments. We make some mistakes every now and then. The truth is like I said with my video with the teleprompter… She probably won’t even remember that you messaged her on her birthday in six months from now, or like a year from now. Yeah, of course, if she then checks your messages, she will know but she won’t give any fucks, man, because by that time she hasn’t heard from you, and she just wants to hear from you. So all you have to do is get back to no contact and that’s it. That’s all you have to do. So let me know what you think in the comments below, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and of course, never forget to unleash the king within.

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Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help men unleash their confidence and reach their fullest potential. My science-backed philosophy is: “The king is already a winner.” — Amazing women are already attracted to you. All a king has to do is use this attraction to his advantage.

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