Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re going to talk about no contact with anxiety. Ah well, not necessarily just anxiety but just feeling really distraught, depression, tight chest, not feeling good after the break up, having difficulty coping with the break up and how do you overcome your break up or how do you deal with the fact that you need to do no contact and not mess with your ex. It’s basically about surviving no contact. And in this case specifically I think the guy is actually really dealing with proper anxiety. If you’ve never had anxiety it’s pretty difficult feeling actually. If you have a real anxiety attack or panic attack or chronic anxiety it’s pretty difficult. When I was younger, many, five years ago, I couldn’t understand how anxiety worked. It’s really difficult. I had this girl that I was dating before at work and she had anxiety attacks. I didn’t understand why don’t you just fix yourself and you should feel better after a while but typically when you start to get anxiety it can get really difficult to get over that.
And with a break up it’s so tough because you miss your ex girlfriend so much and you start to think all the time over her about her and is no contact working, is she going to come back, what is she thinking about, is she moving on and so on and so forth. Then the more that your thoughts ruminate and the more that you can’t focus your mind on just your everyday life, the more and your chest tightens up and it becomes hard to breathe and it becomes hard to just cope with life in general and your body just shuts down. Now it depends on you guys. Obviously, some of you have it harder, some of you don’t have it that hard. If you go through anxiety, real anxiety, not just a relative anxiety but rather a proper anxiety attack and a real tight chest and all that stuff it’s really tough. So anyways let’s get into a message of the guy who is struggling with his break up and he wants some advice. So let’s get into it.
Finding Peace after a Breakup: When your ex Girlfriend Breaks up with you Because your Goals didn’t Align
Hi coach, I’m loving your stuff. I’ve been going through a lot of your videos and I love your perspectives. One question I have in particular that I’m hoping you’ll talk about is how I should do no contact and move on when I’m still in love with my ex and still have hopes that we can fix our relationship. My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago without a lot of fighting. Our relationship definitely has been strained a bit though. We have been a couple for almost 3 years back then but the problem is that I guess we could not agree on our next plans in life. My ex wanted us to move and live a more provincial life because she wanted to settle down but I still had to focus on my career. She also wanted to have kids and while she wasn’t pressing me in any way like in a passive aggressive way I know that this was one of the big deal breakers for her. I just didn’t deliver what she needed and so I think over time she became unhappy in our relationship. I actually wanted to have kids with her but I just wasn’t ready for it.
So, I have to say, first of all, actually, you have the right approach to this. You still have your hopes up that you can get back with her and you do no contact with her. In a way you want to get over it and move on from this but you’re hoping that maybe things can work out in the future. If you just give her some time and you both get some perspective and figure things out that’s how you should be doing no contact. So you’re on the right track. Whether you want to move on or maybe she comes back in the future. You’re following the right approach. In both scenarios whether you want your ex back or you just want to move on and get over the pain, this is the approach that you need to take. It’s okay to love your ex and hope that she comes back but you move forward strongly. So you’re doing the right thing here. Let’s stop quickly about something that you mentioned here, right.
She wanted kids, she wanted a provincial life, we’ve been together for 3 years. She probably felt like it’s time to get married and she wanted to say what we’re doing right now is great but I really love you and I want that traditional life. That’s pretty great. That’s a great woman to have. And so it’s kind of natural that she wanted the kids or that she wanted to just live a simpler life and just living the dream, right. But you felt that you needed to focus on your career first. But the reality is at some point you gotta drop the career. Not to drop the career but you gotta recognize that you have something good going on. If you look at the red pill community there’s often the saying you have to have status, money, looks, you have to be really amazing and that is absolutely true. But if you’re already with a great woman and she’s been with you for 3 years and she fucking appreciates you and even if you’re not exactly where you are in life you already got everything that you need you’re gonna get the career eventually. But a woman is going to run away as she did in this case. So obviously it’s not something that’s really helpful for you at this point anymore but it’s maybe worth reflecting on.
So everybody who’s watching this: If you’re with a great woman and you feel like you still have some things lacking it’s okay man. It is okay. I just started dating a girl recently and I feel like I’m not where I need to be. Like I’m still trying to figure out things here in Indonesia with my business and I feel like I’m not ready for dating actually but I’m dating her anyways because she appreciates me and yeah man she fucking appreciates me. So you know you gotta find the balance. I’ve been working like crazy in Bali for 10 months. And I consciously didn’t date and then when I got here to Yogjakarta I was like okay. It’s time to date and I’m still not really where I wanna be. I’m still trying to figure out things with business here but I took a leap of faith when I said this is good enough and the woman that I’m with right now she just fucking loves me. So you can’t always take your career first. You gotta be in a relationship where you earn like 50/50ish percent right?
And a great woman she will support you with your career and if you didn’t make the right progress with your career you should maybe question… What were you doing? What was I doing? I’ve been with her for 3 years. I didn’t get any outcome or results with kids and a simpler or more peaceful life. You also didn’t get the result of your career. So I really need to focus more on your career right now because now it’s done, or you need to focus more on family. You gotta figure out both but you have to figure out you have to be more smart about this. Why did it not work out? So reflect on that. Why did you not reach your career goals and why did you not reach your family goals? To reflect on that think about what can you actually change about this? How could you reach your career goals faster because I assume that you regret everything that happened right? You love her. So it sucks but you gotta reflect on where you went wrong here. Ok so anyways let’s continue.
What it Means when she Says she Needs to Find Herself: Will she Change her Mind after Breaking Up?
I was not prepared with her breaking up with me. I didn’t know I had pushed her that far away but when I tried to change her mind about the breakup she said that it wasn’t about her wanting children. She said she just needed some time to figure out what she wants and that she feels that she doesn’t know anymore about what she is as a person. So I don’t know if I should read anything into that.
You know what I think is she knew exactly this was probably about the children actually. She just didn’t want to say it out loud or rather what she meant was when she’s trying to say she needs some time to figure out what she wants and she doesn’t know what she is anymore. What she’s saying is she doesn’t know “Who am I? Why did I choose to be with this guy who doesn’t want to give me kids or family?” I have a family or a happy life, the simple life that I crave, living the dream. I spent three years now and I invested in something that didn’t pay enough basically and she asked herself who am I why did I do this. So I do think that it has something to do with children. It’s not necessarily that she’s mad at you or something like that but she’s probably reflecting on where did I go wrong. Why did she go wrong and why did she stick to this when she didn’t get what she wanted? And she probably saw the signs for quite some time but she stuck with the relationship hoping that you would give her what she wants. So that’s how I would look into this probably.
So the breakup was one-sided but I wasn’t begging. I obviously tried to work things out when she broke up with me but I did not fill her inbox with lots of messages. I didn’t want to do so but I think back then I understood that she was not feeling it anymore and I did not try to apply pressure. I accepted that the relationship had run its course and thought it might be for the best as much as it hurt to accept that. But I do admit first I messaged her twice and that was out of weakness and not being able to go without her. I didn’t beg when messaging her just responding to some IG stories.
So you’ve handled it quite well. Look, two times reaching out to her… It’s fine. Anyways, it’s not that you’re doing no contact consciously to get her back, right. You’re just thinking about you want to move forward with the hope that she will come back. So shit happens. You reached out to her twice but it seems like you cut it out quickly so I think you’ve handled the breakup pretty well which is a good sign. So I wouldn’t be too worried about it the way that you handled it was really like a man and that will definitely increase the chances of her thinking of giving you another chance. And obviously, if she gives you another chance, you know what you gotta do. 1. What are you gonna do what career issues? Or reaching the career goals or can you just say you know what I don’t need all of this stuff or I’m okay if I only reach it in five years somehow what’s more important is her. You gotta think about what you want right and how do you address the family stuff and like the issues of where does she want to live right can you address these issues so think about that obviously I don’t think you screwed it up too much here now anyways let’s continue.
Strength During No Contact: When you Miss her so Much, How to Stay Strong During No Nontact?
So anyway this is how we ended the relationship and I began missing her like crazy now I’m starting to think that we should have worked out our differences but I can’t do anything about it now. I’m doing no contact and I hope that she will reach out to me. It’s been one month since the breakup and I honestly didn’t expect to feel so anxious. I’ve never felt so heartbroken. Losing her made me feel like I am losing myself. I’ve watched many of your videos and I understand rationally that I shouldn’t spend all my time missing her but it’s so hard not to think about her. I don’t know how to move forward right now because I feel that I invested so much into our relationship and it all went to shit simply because I was too stubborn to listen to her needs.
I have no idea what she feels right now and I really hope that we will get back together but I also don’t want to hold myself back. I also struggle with keeping up with no contact because I miss her so fucking much. Not waking up next to her is so hard and I feel very depressed that we haven’t spoken for one month because I am wondering if she’s moving on and if she doesn’t love me any longer. I worry a lot and often wake up with a tight chest. It’s been extremely hard for me to cope I’ve never had health problems like this and I don’t know how to get rid of it. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop thinking about all of it. My thoughts just spin in circles all day no matter what I do. I keep feeling anxious and eventually even if I manage to distract myself for a short while I’ll have to think about us again and then my anxiety gets worse.
So when I mentioned something about anxiety, in particular I had terrible anxiety when COVID started when I lost my home in the Philippines and I got stuck in Germany for two years and I lost so many things. That was very unexpected for me and I had to cope with a lot of anxiety back then and it was actually very hard for me to post content on this channel and one thing that really helped me, when you think all the time. Right, you can’t stop thinking. about your ex, especially if you get a lot of anxiety in tight chest. The problem with anxiety and a tight chest, and when you just can’t relax anymore is that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it. It’s so subtle that your body slowly without it realizing it’s more and more tense and it’s because your head just keeps spinning and thinking about all of this stuff.
Now, everyone who’s watching this, you might be not as bad as this guy with a tight chest and an actual anxiety attack or anxiety problems but it helps nevertheless. Whether you have severe symptoms or not after a breakup, I can highly suggest to do box breathing, sometimes also called tactical breathing. I believe it’s being used by Navy Seals if I’m not mistaken. The way that it works is that you imagine a box and you count. You breathe in for a certain count, then you hold your breath for a certain count, then you breathe out again for a certain count, you hold your breath or you just stop breathing for a certain count, and then you repeat the cycle. So it goes like this. Let’s just say I’m gonna do this for a count of four. Let me just get my fingers for counting. This really is really helpful whether you have severe anxiety about your breakup or not. Even if life’s just a little bit stressful. It helps you focus. It helps you to focus your breath. It helps you to ease your body. Ease up your body. Reduce stress.
But also just the fact that you’re counting when you are focused on the counting while you’re holding your breath that actually is a form of meditation. It helps you to stop spinning in circles. Now, you might be thinking, well what does this help me because I can’t do this the whole day but it’s been proven that if you just do this even just a little bit in the morning, maybe you do it once in the afternoon, and then once in the evening, it will greatly help you reduce stress and anxiety after a breakup. So there’s no study specifically about this about breakups but in general, box breathing or breathing exercises like this, also the meditational part, it really helps you to reduce that stress and feel better. So to just give an example, I’ll just do this quickly on front of the video. I’ve never done something like this on YouTube but whatever. So you breathe in, so just count and then you repeat the cycle and that’s why it’s called box breathing.
You can literally imagine that you’re looking at a box right and so the counting and the looking at the box kind of the visualized box helps you to stop thinking about all that stuff like I said it’s not going to stop you overthinking non-stop but even if you can just find 10 minutes in the morning and in the afternoon in the evening to force yourself to not think about all this stuff and instead focus on the counting and the breathing, it will help you. It will help you feel better. It won’t solve all your problems obviously. I always talk about this that you gotta focus on your purpose, what’s important for you, focus on reflecting on where did you went wrong, but if you’re having really bad symptoms after a breakup and you just cannot fucking deal with anything in life, this is very, very helpful. Okay, so maybe now I should become a breathwork teacher, but let’s continue with the video.
Anxiety During No Contact: During No Contact you Should NOT Keep your Hopes Up but Be Hopeful
I really don’t know what my next steps should be. I’m month into no contact / our breakup and it’s been unbearably painful. I hope you can give me your thoughts on what I should do in this situation, especially considering how we broke up and what do you think about our breakup. I don’t know if I should keep my hopes up or not.
Yes, you can probably keep your hopes up but you gotta take it with a little grain of salt. You disappointed her a lot and you disappointed her with a massive deal breaker. She’s probably… I don’t know how old she is but you’ve been together for three years maybe you’re very young but let’s assume that you’re maybe in your 20s because you’re focused on your career, so maybe you are 28 or something like that and she’s probably roughly in that range. Let’s say maybe she’s 25, she’s getting older, she’s starting to think about having children maybe she’s even older than that. So if she meets a guy who will give that to her, she might commit to that guy. So there is a chance that she will come back, certainly, because he has three years of history. She loves you, man. She’s not just gonna move on after one month because you said that you’re really worried about this. That’s not gonna happen.
But you gotta be prepared for the scenario that this doesn’t happen. So keep doing the breathing exercises. First, I would figure out whether you get back with her or not you’re probably gonna run into more and more women at your age who want to have children and want that dream life with their boyfriend, or with their partner, or their husband, and so you gotta think about well what am I gonna do now? How do I address the problem of the career? How do I reach the goals? For example, you think about the career. Why do you want that career? Is it about money? Is it status? Is it your ego? There are many reasons why you would care about your career. And so, for example, let’s say it’s status. You can reach status not just with a certain job, you can also try a business, for example. You can also reach money or get lots of money without a job. Or being a businessman. You could actually make more money than whatever trajectory you’re on right now. So think about where do you need to be, whether you are with another woman in the future or your ex, what are the alternatives to your approach right now?
Or ask yourself: How far are you from where do you want to be with your career, right? Because you have that goal of I don’t know. Let’s say you want to become a manager or something like that. Or maybe you want to become a chief operating officer at the company that you’re at or something like that. Or Vice President of operations. Something like that. In those aspects, how far are you actually from that goal? Does it make sense to pursue it at that company? Or are you just shooting yourself in the foot the way that you’re chasing all of that. I don’t think that you shouldn’t chase your career and that you shouldn’t go for your goals. Obviously, that’s exactly what you should be doing. But you always want to be smart about it because otherwise like you see here you will fuck it up with your girlfriend. You gotta balance it. You need work-life balance in your lives, otherwise, the relationships will just go to waste so think about you whether she comes back or not. Maybe let’s imagine in six months from now. I’m not saying that you need to have everything solved but you need to be steering yourself in the right direction and if you’re not doing this, then it’s not gonna have any merit anyways.
If she comes back it’s probably just gonna be like she sees again that it does not work out unless she comes back. You talk about it, you maybe don’t know exactly yet what to do but you’re telling her and you’re committed. You really mean it that you’re trying to find an exit to do it better and you open up to the idea to having children with her. Obviously, when you get back together I’m not saying that you need to have children right away all that stuff, but you need to have a roadmap for that and that’s really what you should have in the relationship. It seems to me that you did not have a road map for where you want to go in the relationship. It seems that she had one. Or maybe you had conflicting road maps. You need to take both of your road maps and see how you can combine them. It seems that’s what didn’t happen with you and so you expect that you can just keep going with your road map, and her road map, and you thought that you know, you want to accomplish her road map which is children, at some point, and you didn’t realize that we can’t just ignore her goals forever. At some point you gotta actually focus on those goals and he didn’t do that so how can you combine those road maps? Alright, so that’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
