Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about no contact with an ex. And you think you’re making progress, but the reality is that she’s just a narcissist. And she’s basically turning your life into a living hell. She’s coming back all the time, but nothing’s really happening. You’re not making any progress. And the reality is she doesn’t give two F’s about you. She just wants to use you for validation. She’s just using you to kill some time. Whatever it is, she basically does not care about you. And you’re getting your hopes up. You think that something is happening. You think, “Yeah, she’s reaching out to me. The situation is improving!” But no, she’s just a narcissist. And you should probably move on. Not probably, you should definitely move on. All right, so let’s get into the message of a guy who was essentially going through this situation, but he does not really realize it. So let’s see what is my advice.
Narcissistic Ex Girlfriend: she WASN’T a Good Woman — Why No contact is so Important with a Narcissist
Hello, coach. I hope you’re doing well and giving me some urgently needed advice. I’m currently doing no contact, but I guess not really any longer. Or I don’t know, to be honest. I had a really rough breakup with my ex-girlfriend almost exactly one year ago and I’ve been having no real breakthrough with no contact or more precisely. I haven’t had any progress with actually getting back together with my ex-girlfriend. The relationship with my ex was a very passionate one with really strong spikes of either super passionate and happy or extreme arguments and pouting, sleeping in separate beds and so on. It was very polarized, but I think it speaks to the love that we had for each other. I saw some video of yours before saying that it’s good if there were a lot of emotions and strong feelings during a breakup or right before. And I think that definitely describes the type of relationship that we had.
Extreme Happiness… Well, yes and no, that’s not really how I meant it. If you have extreme spikes of extreme happiness and extreme, just drama and lots of shit going on in the relationship, that is not a good thing. In your relationship, typically what you want to have is a balanced happiness. You know, if we say 10 is super happy, one is always fighting. You shouldn’t be at a five. You shouldn’t be in the middle. You should be somewhere like six or seven, eight. If you can also maintain it at nine or ten, but it’s not that easy. The point is: You should be in the positive range and you should be fluctuating in that range. Sometimes you might reach a 10 of happiness. Sometimes you might only reach five or a six. That’s the point where you really need to work on your relationship. But most of the time you should be in a six to ten range with your relationship, mostly happy.
And maybe, yes, occasionally there are fights and you go down to a two or a three or something like that. But if you always fluctuate from a one to a ten, it’s crazy, man. That’s not a good relationship. And that doesn’t mean that you had a good breakup. A good breakup is when you had mostly a great relationship, but then eventually you started fighting. You were mostly at a seven and eight. And then slowly over time, you degraded to a five, four, three, two. Things got really bad. And then you had a really troublesome breakup because you were so unhappy with each other. But it’s not like this emotional roller coaster. And that’s often a byproduct of narcissism. So that’s not a good way to look at your relationship. It’s not that you had great feelings of love and that there was a lot of passion and so on. It’s just that your relationship was really messy. But you’re not really recognizing this.
Unfortunately, there was a lot of criticism involved in the relationship and the fighting eventually got to us and led to the very messy breakup. Looking back, I wish we could have done things differently. My ex was often very critical of me and nagging. And I think that was because I didn’t know properly how to communicate with her. I didn’t give her what she needed. And that then manifested in her criticism towards my behavior and the relationship. This was my first real long term relationship. And I had to learn a lot about how to live together with my girlfriend and make a relationship work. And I guess I failed despite my best efforts. I always tried to be a better boyfriend, but it never seemed to be enough because it just didn’t have enough experience.
Lack of Experience. Now, that could be somewhat true that you lacked experience. But again, I believe that your scenario is a scenario with a narcissistic ex. I think you rather lack the experience of seeing the red flags in your relationship. You mentioned that there was a lot of criticism, a lot of nagging, and you tried to do better, but no matter what you tried, it just didn’t work. Now, that’s all a matter of perspective. You can, of course, think that you’re doing everything better. You think that you’re trying to improve and that you’re trying to make your girlfriend happy, but they’re doing all the wrong things. That can always be the case. But if your girlfriend is always complaining and no matter what you try, if you actually made an effort, then that’s typically a red flag. I can still look back at probably my last relationship before I got good at relationships because I educated myself a lot about relationships. I was very unconscious about what I was doing in relationships.
And so I thought that I was making my girlfriend happy or my ex-girlfriend happy, but I was not. And I was delusional about the way that I was treating her or the way that I was showing up in the relationship and the lack of healthy communication rituals and just in general, reconnection rituals. I didn’t have a proper plan how to make my ex happy. And that’s what I basically meant. It can seem like you’re doing the right things and you think that you’re doing something, but sometimes you’re actually not doing something. But if you’re actively really taking actions like going out on dates with your girlfriend, inviting her out, giving her some flowers every night now and then, or something that affirms to her that you love her, even just something simple as a little note here or there or something like that, or even just like a message throughout the day, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you” or “I miss you” or something like that. It doesn’t have to be big stuff. But if you try to do better and your girlfriend doesn’t appreciate it, that is a big red flag. Now, anyways, let’s continue. I was distraught after the breakup
Signs your Ex is a Narcissistic: A Female Narcissist Dumper Moves on Fast from the Relationship
I was very distraught after the breakup. I did not want us to break up, but my ex was very exhausted of the relationship and moved on very fast. Back then, I was still very desperate and I tried to change for the better so I could fix it with her. I thought that if I just kept trying and becoming a better version of myself, eventually, she’d see how much I cared and we could work things out. But during a long time of no contact, my ex was very cold and distant. She started dating a new guy very early after the breakup, and that really destroyed my confidence and hope. It was like she didn’t even care about me anymore.
She started dating a new guy So that’s another red flag. When your ex moves on really, really quickly, way too fast. She has a new guy after a week or something like that. Big, big, big red flag. It’s another narcissism sign, essentially. And you can see… Basically, in a healthy relationship scenario or in a healthy breakup scenario, you’re right. If you just try to fix yourself, become a better version of yourself, give her some space. She will probably come back to you. Then you facilitate for everything to happen. She can see that you’re a better person. You can reconcile your issues. Yes, that’s how it should be. But with a narcissistic woman, it leads to nothing. She doesn’t give a shit that you’ve improved yourself because she never really appreciated you in the first place. She actually would like you to not improve yourself because narcissists, they don’t like it when you are better than them. They want you to be fucked up. And so we’re going to see in a moment why I believe that she’s a narcissist. But again, she moved on really fast. It’s another red flag, another pattern of narcissism.
Does No Contact Work on Narcissists: A Narcissistic Ex GF will Come back but for the Wrong Reasons
I wanted her to miss me so I wanted her to miss me badly, but I just started missing her more the more I found out how happy she was without me. But despite that, I managed to stay strong. I never broke no contact. I resisted the temptation and eventually I started to feel better and I was focusing less on her. I started focusing on myself and working on my goals. Then my ex began reaching out to me when I no longer expected to hear from her after almost nine months.
So now what we’re going to see is the Hoover. When an ex comes back after a long time, you barely expect it… In a healthy relationship, that would be great! That’s the time when you can basically get her back. But with a narcissist, it’s basically just a cycle that will repeat over and over. After nine months. Then probably I guarantee you after six months, it would happen again. Then maybe again, it would happen after three months. Then maybe it would happen after a year. Whenever your ex is bored, your narcissistic ex is bored, she will come back. Now anyways, let’s continue. I Was So Happy
I was so happy. I thought that maybe she was starting to miss me, but she wanted to work things out. She sent me messages asking how I was doing and reminiscing about old times. She even said that maybe in the future we could talk about the relationship and what went wrong between us to reflect and learn how we can be better in the future. I was excited and thought that she was just using that as an excuse and really actually just wanted to talk with me about us and that she missed me. That’s the vibe that I got from her.
The Problem Yeah, the problem is that typically would be correct. Your ex would be reminiscing about you and she was looking for an excuse. It doesn’t really matter. She will find some reason to reach out to you. The problem is she’s saying here… Let me read this again. She said that maybe in the future we could talk about the relationship and what went wrong between us. Well, why in the future? She could just say, hey, let’s meet up in a week from now. Let’s meet up tomorrow and talk about this or let’s have a phone call or something like that. And she’s just giving you false hope because there’s no point of leaving you hanging. This is breadcrumbing. She’s giving you small breadcrumbs, small little pieces of hope that in the future you can get back together. Why is she doing that? So that you don’t move on. So you don’t find another woman. So that you don’t get tired of her sometimes reaching out. We’re going to see in a moment that this is, I think, what’s happening with you. So let’s see.
My Ex keeps Coming Back but Won’t Commit: A Female Narcissistic Dumper will Hoover for All Eternity
But things never last with her. Just as quickly as she comes back into my life, she disappeared again. She stopped responding to my messages. When I asked her what was going on, she gave me vague excuses about being busy or not feeling well, or she just tried to avoid the topic by responding with unrelated stuff. This happened several times now already. My ex would reach out to me and we would start talking again and then she would disappear. Sometimes she would ghost me completely, not responding to my messages or calls for days, sometimes even weeks or go low interest for months.
And then suddenly reappear saying she’s busy or dealing with personal issues. This has been really bad for my mental health. She keeps on giving me small moments of hope that we could work out, but she just won’t commit to anything. I can’t figure out what she’s thinking. I feel like she’s very defensive and wants me to make the first move to open up to her. When I try to get closer to her, it’s her who always the one who’s distant. My mental health is kind of at a low point right now because I go through cycles of hope and happiness and then when she won’t properly open up to me, I become depressed. It’s now been roughly seven months that this back and forth between her and I has been going on.
So yeah, basically, she is just fishing for some attention. How Long Has This Been She’s trying to see if you’re still hooked, if you’re still going to respond, if you’re still willing to reciprocate and she’s trying to see if she gives you a small piece of hope here or there, if it seems like you can work it out. Are you going to take the bait? Are you going to be there for her? Are you going to respond to her messages right away? Are you essentially in her eyes going to be a simp who will always treat her right, who will never take his own needs before hers? And this is never going to go anywhere. It’s been going on for seven months now. Now, with a normal ex, actually, I might say that this might be fine. If I can see that it’s not a narcissistic pattern, if I can see that you’ve just been messing it up seven months of a little bit back and forth, not that bad. Well, if it’s exactly seven months back and forth, that’s probably an issue or rather she might not be narcissistic, but it would be probably a sign to just move forward, move on, because it’s not going anywhere. Health But with a narcissistic ex, I mean, seven months of this is just hell. It just makes you feel like shit. You’re going to say this now.
Ex Texts me then Disappears: We are Making no Progress & I have Lost my Confidence and Self Esteem
For some time, I was OK after the breakup and no contact helped me to work on myself and feel more at peace. But my ex doesn’t seem to care about my growth and the changes I’ve made. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I made a lot of progress with no contact for myself. With my ex it’s been one step forward, three steps back all the time. I still love her and she still gives me signs that she still has feelings for me. Plus, she has been telling me that she is no longer seeing anyone. So I don’t know what I should do in this situation. I’m in need of some intervention because I am clearly not really progressing right now. I feel very stuck in life again.
My motivation is at a low and I’ve been relapsing with some of my more negative habits. It’s just small stuff here or there, but I noticed that I’m not at my best. I know it’s a small thing, but I cut out all sugars a long time ago and started to work out more. But a few days ago, I threw some stuff in the trash. I’m a bit messy right now. And I noticed that I must have been drinking three small Coke bottles in like three or four days. I’m struggling to stay in a positive frame right now. And I’m hoping to get some motivation from you because right now I’m falling back into a bad mode. I hope you can help me out. Thanks a lot for your channel. It is so helpful for me right now. Best wishes, Leon.
Well, first of all, I would not believe her when she says she’s not seeing anyone. Like I said, this seems like a typical narcissism pattern of hoovering, making you feel a little bit good. Idolization, essentially. Then, I didn’t see any devaluing here, but she essentially discards you again. She makes you feel like shit essentially, and then she just repeats that cycle and you say it yourself. You go one step forward, three steps back. So what’s the point? You’re not going anywhere. Look, if you sometimes have an ex, you don’t make one step forward. You know, you get only a little bit closer. You take another step forward. Again, you’re a little bit of a step closer. Then every now and then, and frequently you take one step forward. But actually, you then took two steps back because you did something wrong. You turned her off for some reason. You said the wrong thing or something like that. That’s fine.
But if you’re always taking one step forward, three steps back, if this was your starting position, man, you’re like somewhere here. You’re out of the frame of this video probably already. Why would you still pursue her So why would you still pursue her? It’s not really going anywhere. This is not going to make you happy. And if you want a proper motivation and motivate yourself to just move on from this woman, I know that you still love her. I know that you still care about her. And you think that you’re seeing signs that she does the same. You think that she’s willing to do the same thing because she’s bullshitting you that in the future we can work things out. And I don’t know what else she’s telling you. Maybe she’s flirting with you. Maybe she makes you feel good about yourself. Maybe she says something like you were such an attentive boyfriend or whatever. She makes it feel like she really remembers all the good stuff. But if she’s not facilitating for something to happen, if you don’t ask her She is a narcissist out and she says yes, something like that, or if she says, yeah, I’m not ready to talk about things yet, but maybe in the future we can do it. These kind of things basically stonewalling you. That’s just bullshit. She’s essentially just leading you on. She’s a narcissist and she doesn’t give a shit about you.
If what you’ve told me is true, that you’ve been working on yourself, that you truly improved a lot, then she should be willing to take you back. Not just willing to take you back. She should probably be excited to take you back. And if a woman is not excited to take you back, especially when you’ve just leveled up so much, then either she has a big ego. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s a narcissist, but she can’t get over her stubborn ego and she’s too entitled or she’s a narcissist. I believe in your case, your ex is a narcissist. And like I said, you’re losing motivation. You’re losing your habits because before everything was good. But now you’re stuck in that cycle again where she makes you feel like shit. Because what you don’t realize is when she reaches out to you and gives you that hope, you get that little piece of dopamine. And then after that dopamine wears off, you feel like shit. And now you’re lacking all of that dopamine and you want it back. Now you’re getting depressed.
It’s like, where is she? Whats going on What’s going on? Why hasn’t she messaged me? Why is she not responding? Why is she low interest again? And you start overthinking and here we go. Now you’re drinking like three or four Coke bottles in three or four days. Now, for some of you guys watching this might not be a big deal, but if for someone who cuts out sugar and then all of a sudden has like three Coke bottles in three days, that’s a lot of freaking sugar that you can consume excessively compared to what you’ve been consuming in the past. So clearly, she’s not good for your mental health. She’s not good for your habits. She’s not good. Like you said, for your mental frame or your masculine frame, she basically turns you into a weak, needy man who is trying to wait for her to come back. Dude, she’s not coming back. She’s coming back, but nothing is happening. You should move forward. You can tell her… If she’s not a narcissist…Pull back. Don’t respond all the time.
Tell her that you don’t like the way that she has been telling you we can work things out or talk about stuff or whatever, but then nothing’s happening. You can tell her that transparently, but most likely that won’t even achieve anything. I would just pull back, pull away, let her go. This is not going to work out. Sometimes you’ve got to let go of women, especially if they’re very narcissistic. If it’s a good woman, if it’s a good ex, then you can try to make it work out and often you can get her back. But with a woman like this, your rate of success is going to be very, very low. So my advice for you is move on. I know it’s tough. You didn’t want to hear this. That’s probably what you should be doing.
