Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about no contact and specifically when is the right time to actually do it or should you be doing it? In which situation should you not be doing it? Is it maybe a bad idea to do it? Of course, that really depends on your situation, your context. Are you perhaps married? Do you have children? And so in today’s video, I have a message from a guy who is married or was, well, he’s still married and he screwed up pretty bad and he has a son. And well, now he’s doing no contact and he’s not really sure if he’s doing it right. Should he be doing more no contact? Should he not be doing no contact at all? What about the situation with his son? So sometimes you just can’t do no contact or you shouldn’t be doing no contact. So let’s get into his situation and let’s see what is my advice for him.
No Contact With Children: No Contact Rule When You Have Children With Your Ex Wife
Hi, Coach Andy. I hope you can give me some advice about me and my babe who have a very complicated breakup situation. I am trying to do as much no contact as I can, but it proves to be rather difficult because we have a son. We are a married couple currently on a break. We aren’t divorced, but my ex Penny basically didn’t want to be in the same house with me because I’ve been a piece of shit to be honest.
So that’s the first step to improving, obviously. So you know that you’ve done something wrong. You say it pretty bluntly. You’ve been a piece of shit. So you probably feel like, oh, you’ve been doing some things wrong and what you’ve done isn’t really the right thing to do. But at least you’re already acknowledging, damn, I screwed something up big time and you’re not angry at her, right? So you’re basically taking accountability for the stuff that you’ve done. So that’s the first step because there are some guys who have a breakup and they are never willing to accept what they’ve done wrong.
I still remember something. A guy, one of the first guys that I’ve ever coached pro bono when I was still trying to make it as a coach. And this guy just wasn’t willing to accept his own flaws and his own mistakes. And he became very stalkerish and he thought that his ex was at fault and he did nothing wrong. But I could clearly tell this dude made so many mistakes and he really fucked it up. But he just wouldn’t accept it. He just wanted her back. He wanted to use no contact and manipulate her into getting back together. And he didn’t really care about her at all, to be honest. I could feel that this guy just didn’t care about her.
But if you care about your ex, if you messed up, you accept it. Then you try to figure out why did I do this? You try to figure out how can I not repeat this behavior in the future? You’re going to change. And then with a little bit of no contact, she’s going to start to miss you. Then eventually you talk again, you try to have dates again, you try to bring the intimacy back. And then maybe you can talk about this, maybe you don’t even need to talk about it, you just get back together. And then because you have improved behavior, it’s essentially solved. So it probably sounds weird that I’m complimenting you for recognizing that you were a piece of shit. But I think that’s the first step to actually get your ex back. So in a way, good job.
Emotional Cheating Is Still Cheating: There’s A Fine Line With Flirting & Seeking Attention — Don’t Cross It
I had been flirting with another woman in secret. I did not really cheat by having sex or even spending any time with her. I just met her a few months before the breakup at a friend’s birthday party and started talking to her occasionally.
So essentially you were emotionally cheating. Even if there’s nothing really that happened there, you didn’t know intimacy, you didn’t make out with her, maybe you didn’t even ever met her after this birthday party, who knows? But you basically looked for attention from another woman. And you know that this wasn’t the right thing. And you said it yourself, you have been flirting. So it’s kind of understandable that your ex is super hurt and maybe it came out of nowhere for her. So if something like this comes out of nowhere, she didn’t expect that anything is wrong with the relationship. If the relationship wasn’t that bad or at least it felt like, well, it’s not on the brink of breakup anytime soon, women are typically more in tune with these emotions.
So she thought, you know, maybe there’s like some problems here and there, but you know, it’s probably a long-term relationship because you are married and you have a son. So that tells me that you’ve been together probably for 10 plus years. So, you know, there’s going to be problems in a relationship after five years, after 10 years. It’s just cycle. You know, there’s always problems in a relationship. But I’m sure she thought, well, these problems are not that bad. Not just how it is. And she thought that whatever is going on, if there was something really bad, can be resolved. Then it came out of nowhere that you’ve been essentially cheating on her. So she needs definitely some time after this and she must feel really hurt and really betrayed. So it’s really crucial to understand this, that she needs some time to process this.
My Wife Left After I Cheated: She Left The House With Our Son After She Found Out About The “Affair”
That’s what led to the breakup because she found out about it. I tried to fight the breakup like crazy, but couldn’t really do anything about it. She left our house and took our son Liam with her to her best friend’s place. She said she didn’t want him to be around me and that she expected better from me.
So she was basically done with you. She must have been really hurt if she just left the house. It sounds like she wasn’t really even properly thinking this through. She was just like disgusted most likely by your actions and she just didn’t want anything to do with you. And it sounds kind of extreme that she took your son, obviously. But, well, you are the one who really screwed up. So she just couldn’t stand being around you, obviously. And she probably thought that you’re a bad influence on your son, which I’m sure you’re not. So just because she might have felt that you were not a good influence on your son. Look, mistakes happen. You made a big mistake, obviously, but it does mean that you are a bad father, obviously. So don’t let this get to you. I know this is really scary because she left and she didn’t want your son Liam to be around you. You know, you probably don’t feel good about this. And I think it’s really important after a breakup to recognize this, especially when you screwed up.
Everybody who’s watching this, whenever you screw up after a breakup because a lot of breakups happen because of screw ups. We all make mistakes and I’m not going to sugarcoat any mistakes. Clearly, you’re cheating, essentially, even though you try to play it down a little bit. It was essentially emotional cheating. You know, this kind of stuff sucks. You really messed it up. You should have never done something like this. But it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t mean that this is where you’re going to be for the rest of your life. You had a lapse of weakness. You had a moment of, you know, not thinking clearly, basically, or multiple moments, obviously. When you learned your lesson, you recognized, why the fuck did I ever do something like this? So be sure that you don’t beat yourself up because now she left the house and it can be really lonely after a breakup. And then when you ruminate about these mistakes that you’ve made, you might beat yourself up more than it’s necessary. Obviously, beating yourself up and recognizing that you made mistakes can actually lead to a lot of growth. That’s super important, but essentially don’t overdo it.
It’s really easy after a breakup when you’re so lonely to really soak it up. All of that negativity, all that heartbreak, and it makes you feel so bad about yourself. But you are a king and whatever screw ups you’re going to have in the future and whatever screw ups you had in the past, all of you, everybody who’s watching this, you can improve. And if you really mess up big time, it happens. But get back up, do better next time. Learn from it. Maybe do some journaling. Reflect on why you did something like this. And then you do better in the future. We have to all sometimes learn from our mistakes and sometimes we do really dumb shit. That’s a part of growing up. That’s a part of growing old. And honestly, people could even cheat at the age of 50 or 60. It’s not like there’s a certain age range where you are Buddha and you figured it all out. We all make mistakes. So I hope you don’t beat yourself so much up and you’re trying to stay focused on positivity and figuring out how to move forward with strength and trying to be your best self, even though you screwed up a little bit.
I Broke My Wife’s Heart: How To Make My Wife Trust Me Again After What I Did? Will My Wife Come Back?
I don’t think I ever saw her cry as much as on that day. I don’t really have much confidence that I can save our relationship after this. I am all alone in a huge house and all I’m doing most of the time is playing back all the things I could have done differently.
So that’s exactly what I just said. So you’re thinking too much about your mistakes. Obviously, you know, what could I have done differently? It’s always easy to look back when you already made the mistake and say, you know, what could we have done differently? Look at the situation right now with Ukraine. It’s very easy to say everybody fucked this up. How do we not see this coming? Yeah, there’s probably a lot of truth to this. You know, all these people in government, they should have known. But in hindsight, everything is always much, much easier to see. Wow. Wow. That I should have seen this coming. It’s very easy after you made a mistake to look back at it and be like, it’s obvious I’m a fucking idiot. Why the hell did I do this? And yeah, it’s good to recognize your mistakes. But like I said, don’t drown in your sorrow, essentially. And because you’re ruminating about all your mistakes right now and how you could have done everything differently, you’re thinking this is hopeless.
And most of the time, it is not hopeless. I know your situation seems hopeless to you. She left the house. She took your son with you. She essentially wants nothing to do with you. She’s really disappointed. And to top it off, the reason why she left is pretty serious. It’s basically cheating. But at the very least, you didn’t. It sounds bad, I know. But at the very least, you didn’t have sex. At the very least, you didn’t abuse her, for example, right? So I think you’re still a loving man. You just made really big mistakes. But you know, things could be much worse, honestly. And even if they’re worse, things can improve and you just got to give it some time. So let’s see what he says next.
She hasn’t told me that I can’t see him or that she wants to keep him away from me. And she hasn’t brought up having a divorce. But I guess this is painting your picture of a family that’s anything but picture-perfect.
Yeah, clearly, obviously, it’s not picture-perfect, but there’s a good sign here. She doesn’t want divorce. And I had a coaching session with a guy, was it like two months ago? Probably two months ago. And he had a relationship that lasted for about 10-ish years. She was basically his high school sweetheart and they broke up. She broke up and pretty much out of nowhere, he didn’t see it coming. And she wanted to have a divorce relatively quickly. But she actually never pushed through with it. She just said, I want a divorce, but she actually didn’t file any papers and she never really brought it up anymore. So that just shows you that it’s not so bad because she doesn’t even want the divorce yet. So she hasn’t even considered this yet.
She’s just really hurt. She’s really disappointed and she does not yet know how do I process all of this? What do I make with this info? Why did he talk to this woman? And what does this mean? She’s asking herself, do I still love you? How do I feel about you? And she needs some time to think about these things and needs to figure out for herself. Is she going to forgive you or not? But anyway, the bottom line is right now, she doesn’t want the divorce. That is actually a good sign. And well, she left you initially with your son, kind of impulsively. She was like, I’m out of here. She didn’t want anything to do with you. But now it seems like it has cooled down a little bit. So that’s actually a good sign. So let’s continue.
No Contact Takes Time: The Worse You Screwed Up With Her The More Patient You Should Be
I fucked all of this up so badly. She left almost three months ago and the situation hasn’t changed at all since then. I am struggling with doing no contact because of our son.
Well, first of all, before I continue, well, like I already mentioned, yes, things have actually improved because you’re able to see your son now. So when she left, she was furious. She was seeing red and she wanted nothing to do with you. And she was so disgusted, most likely with you that she said, look, you’re not going anywhere near my son. Well, she’s also he’s also your son. But you get the point. That’s how she felt. She was like, there’s no way I’m going to let a man like you near my son. You’re not good for my son. But now you’re actually able to see your son again. And everything has cooled down a little bit. And you also have to recognize that especially with a situation like yours, three months is nothing.
Again, I don’t know how long you’ve been a couple, but you’re married, you have a son. So this is a really important relationship for both of you. You must have been a couple for many, many, many years, maybe even a decade plus, maybe even longer than that, maybe even two decades. So there’s a lot of history. She truly cares about you. Your entire life is built around each other. Essentially, you wanted to have a son together. And so to assume that after three months, nothing has changed or your situation is hopeless just because you haven’t basically gotten a sign that she wants you back. That’s a bit foolish, to be honest. I think that’s a little bit naive. It just takes a lot longer than you would like to. And you gotta stay patient.
So don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel like this is essentially over. You have no chance to get her back. It’s been only three months. It’s not that long yet. So he continues, I am struggling with doing no contact because of our son. He’s five years old and there’s just no way that I’m not going to be a father to him. Even if right now we’re separated. I’ll be honest, doing no contact is tearing me apart. I essentially only see my son when we agreed on me spending time with him. My wife isn’t strict about when I visit or spend time with him and she hasn’t tried. to keep him away from me except for the first two weeks after she left. So it’s clearly a big improvement. And well, let’s just first continue.
Visiting Your Ex During No Contact: How To Follow The No Contact Rule When You Have Children?
Right now I get to see him on the weekends. I sometimes also see him during the week. I could most likely see him more often during the week, but I don’t want to pressure her because I can still tell that she is very resentful whenever I drop by. Plus with work going on, I haven’t made up my mind about how to approach all of this.
So she’s actually not that closed off from you. Some divorces, especially with children, are painful and the woman just doesn’t want you to spend time with the son at all. Sometimes it’s kind of like a battle of who gets to win, who gets to be happier. Sometimes the woman essentially keeps the son away from you, the man, because she wants to hurt you essentially. So she had this short phase of two weeks of being completely heartbroken, really upset with you, where she didn’t want anything to do with you and you couldn’t see your son. But this sounds to me that it’s a relatively open situation, relatively open minded.
Clearly, she’s not happy to see you. She’s not happy about the entire situation, but she’s at least letting you see your son. And it’s basically on your own terms. It’s not like she’s saying, look, you can only visit me every two weeks on Saturday. No, if you want to see your son, you could actually do that. So it’s not like you have to follow a certain schedule, which shows you that she’s quite reasonable and that means that the resentment must have faded a little bit, because otherwise she probably wouldn’t do that.
She barely talks to me and when I try to talk to her, she is extremely cold. She basically just wants to get it over with whenever she sees me. This used to make me feel very uncomfortable and I try to talk to her, which just ended up being very awkward and one sided. Because things have not improved much, I am thinking if I’m not giving her the space she needs. I’m sure you see the dilemma. I can’t really do proper no contact, but being on her toes doesn’t seem to be something she’s comfortable with right now. So what do I do?
So first of all, I wouldn’t be so worried that it is very one-sided. Clearly, there must be a lot of hurt still inside her because she doesn’t want to even probably talk to you essentially, right? Whenever you show up, she just wants to get it over with. So you should just accept this right now. And the question is about, you know, what about no contact? Are you not doing enough no contact? And no, I don’t think so. Look, in your situation, you can change that. And it’s really important to understand something about no contact. Yes, if you give your woman space after a breakup, that is going to help. But ultimately, it’s not just the space, it is the time. And it’s also how you actually treat her and how you interact with her. Because if she reaches out to you or if you talk to her because you have to actually pick up your son, it also matters how do you actually respond to her.
Ex Wife Very Cold: How Bad Is It If Your Ex Wife Is Cold And Distant Whenever You See Her?
So this is kind of a little bit about being stoic. So no contact is a lot about how do you respond to her. Are you calm? Are you collected? Or are you still begging? Are you showing her that you’re kind of weak and needy and that you’re afraid to lose her? It’s more important that you focus on improving yourself and figuring out, okay, look, what did I do wrong? And then focus on that, work on yourself rather than trying to beg her to take you back because she wants to see some change. So you clearly messed up quite a lot. And if she ever takes you back, she wants to see that you will never do something like this. But she might also drag you to a therapist in the future, a relationship counselor / a marriage counselor. She wants to see that there’s real change. So stoicism and not letting it get to you is quite important.
And you should focus on yourself and figure out, okay, what action steps can you actually take? So maybe you already go to a marriage counselor, for example, or you start to read some books or you start some journaling, take some action. And is it a problem that you’re not doing enough? No contact that you every now and then actually get to see her and get to talk to her and she’s not getting that space to essentially calm down a little bit. I don’t think that’s such a huge problem. I don’t think this is your problem at all. You’ve handled this relatively well. I think it sounds to me that you didn’t beg too much. And basically, you couldn’t really do anything because she was so furious. I might actually go as far as saying, look, in quotes, don’t do no contact.
What I mean with that is you don’t have to message her or reach out to her for any reasons. But you know, you should not be worried about not seeing your son. If you want to see your son more often, if work allows it, if you want to see him during. the week, I would suggest you still do that. And I know it’s going to be uncomfortable for her and also for you. But ultimately it’s got to be time that is going to heal her wounds. And you showing up because of your son is not going to change it that drastically. What would change it is if you then show up and you’re insecure and you’re needy and you try to push her, you try to talk about this. It sounds to me that when you were early on, you tried to talk to her when you went to pick up your son and you felt awkward about it. So maybe you tried to communicate with her and tried to see, can it breaks through her defenses? But you shouldn’t try to break through her defenses at all. She should open up to you on her own. And that’s really what you should do. And that’s kind of how no contact works. You wait for her to open up to you.
So in your case, don’t really do no contact. If you got to see your son, if you want to see your son, then go see your son. And at some point, she’s going to open up her defenses and maybe she’s going to start talking to you again. Maybe there’s going to be a little bit less resentment and at least you can have some normal conversations whenever you pick up your son. And over time, this might get better. And perhaps at some point, she’s going to talk with you about this. And again, at some point, you want to bring it up if she’s going to forgive you. But right now is not really the time for this. You got to give it some more time. Just focus on yourself, stay stoic. And most importantly, don’t let everything get to you so much. You must be incredibly lonely right now because, well, it seems like you own a house. And so if you’re a family of at least one child, essentially, that means you probably have a relatively big house. Maybe you had plans to have even more children in the future. So you probably have a standard-sized house, which is pretty big. And now you’re all by yourself. That must be really lonely.
So instead of ruminating all the time and all the time being on your own in your own house, you maybe have to do something to keep yourself busy. So honestly, in your situation, I think a men’s group would be perfect. You probably need some guys to hang out with, to be vulnerable and to ruminate in a meaningful. way. Because just repeating that cycle over and over doesn’t really resolve anything. But if you, for example, meet up with some guys and you talk about your emotions and you just let it out, you will feel so much better. Men’s circles are amazing. And this might be something that can really help you to connect with guys, to connect more with yourself actually and connect with your healthy side, not just with all the negative things that you’ve done, because you’re not just all the bad things that you’ve done. You screwed it up, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad man. And I think you also have to get back to being healthy and happy again. And I know your circumstances kind of scream: “How can I be happy with this?”
But you just have to get back to a normal state of at least complacency, at least to some extent, you’re okay with the situation and you accept that the way that things are right now and you ultimately have to wait for her to make the first move anyway. So if you just beat yourself up more, it’s not going to solve anything. So anyway, the moral of the story, should you be doing no contact or should you be reaching out to her more apologizing? I think the way that you’re doing it is fine. If you want to see your son more often, then go and see your son more often. Obviously, you shouldn’t message her on your own, you know, if it’s not necessary, because I think she’s still very hurt, but that’s it. So it’s really just standard, no contact with a little bit of variation here. You can’t help it that you have to see your son. And that is my advice for you. So let me know in the comments, what do you think? Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.
