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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re going to talk about having strength. Finding the strength to not contact your ex, and it’s really just about strength, in general, after a breakup. So I talked about this at least a few times in my videos that there’s always a power imbalance after a breakup. So if your ex broke up with you, that means that she has all the power. She didn’t want you anymore, so it was her choice to leave you behind. And now you’re feeling like what the hell is going on? You don’t know what’s going on with your life. You feel broken up. You feel heartbroken. Your heart is crushed.
So now you have no power and you have to get back to the place of strength. Finding strength to live on your own terms, on your own without your ex. And once you find internal strength again, that’s when your ex is going to be interested in you again, or maybe you’re going to find another woman who’s interested in you as well, you never know! So I have a message from a guy who has been struggling with keeping up no contact. He broke it multiple times and he’s not doing too well. So let’s see what is my advice for him.
Struggling To Stay No Contact: I Broke No Contact Multiple Times And Can’t Give My Ex Space
Hi coach, I need your advice. I watched all your videos but I feel so stuck. I really wish there were more videos because I am struggling so much with my breakup, and especially with no contact. As it stands right now, I have been unable to keep up no contact and have broken it three times. I have no idea how to find the strength to not contact my ex.
And that is basically the issue here. Any woman, whether it’s an ex, or a new woman that you meet, she wants to see that you’re strong. She wants to see that she can trust you. Because a woman who trusts discovers her lust. And if you can’t even find the strength to not contact your ex, how would you ever prove to her that you are going to actually have the strength to make her happy? To give her security. To be her safe haven. To show her that you’re not going to repeat whatever mistakes happened in the past. So to give you an example, that is maybe not related to you, let’s say you’ve been very jealous, very insecure. And that turned your ex off. And eventually, she left you because you were just too clingy and too insecure. And you maybe were jealous of guys that you shouldn’t have been jealous of. And she leaves. Well, in that case, she would have left because you weren’t strong and your ex wants to see that you have strength. That you have internal strength. That you trust yourself.
And ultimately, if you can’t even trust yourself to not contact your ex, how should she ever trust you?! It doesn’t make sense. So it’s all about finding back to yourself and realizing “I can go on without my ex” and if I look at your message, you said that you’ve been binging my content, for well… You watched all my content, basically, essentially, which is a lot actually. My channel is relatively new but that should be a hundred videos which sounds like it’s quite a lot. It’s like 2000+ hours, probably, and so on. And well, if you’ve been doing that, well, thanks for watching my content, but you also have to do some work. Just binging my content, just watching my videos is not going to bring you internal strength. You also have to take actions. You have to figure out where is the strength lacking within you, because ultimately after a breakup, if you beg and if you reach out to your ex… If you break no contact, essentially, what that does is, you’re showing her exactly the kind of weaknesses… “Weakness,” in a sense, that she saw before your breakup. Probably, before the breakup, you were insecure, you could feel her slipping away and that probably then accelerated her breaking up and leaving you behind, because she wanted someone who is more confident, who is stronger, who is more secure, who gives her the things that she wants in life. And so when you then start begging and start reaching out to her, it shows to her that you still don’t have the strength.
Exactly as she left you behind, this is the same version that you are still right now. So you gotta focus on that. You have to figure out “how can I develop my strength?” and I am thankful that you watch my videos but you also have to take action. Sometimes, I have people on my channel who comment, and they just comment, and comment, and comment, but they never book a coaching session with me, or they never buy one of my courses, and I’m sometimes even friendly and say “if you can’t afford it, then we can figure something out and see how does the pricing work for you” and sometimes I just know that someone just wants to have a quick fix, or just wants to binge content. But you gotta do some work. Just watching videos is never going to bring you improvements in your life. I have been gone down this road myself with a lot of things in my life. We all do this. We binge some content… You want to become a good musician, you watch all of these videos about music theory, or whatever, and technique, but the reality is: If you want to become a good musician, you gotta just practice that exercise every single day, not just watch these videos about how to actually practice it. That’s just the reality. The harsh reality. If you want to change, you gotta take action, not just binge content.
Not Reaching Out To An Ex: How To Stay Strong In No Contact When You Miss Her During No Contact
This breakup absolutely crushed me. This is the first serious relationship I ever had and I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never felt so much heartbreak. I am 25 and I am a very introverted guy. Dating my extroverted ex has helped me grow so much as a person to be more outgoing and I miss her every day.
So clearly, this is part of the problem. First of all, you’re relatively inexperienced. You’re 25. You’re also introverted. So probably a little bit shy, or not such a great people person, essentially, and your ex was very extroverted, and you’ve been together for we’re gonna get to this in a moment, you’ve been together for three years. And this is probably your first meaningful heartbreak. The first time where you have a really serious relationship, as you said it’s your first serious relationship. And this hurts like crazy. But what that tells me is that you probably don’t realize how fast you can actually recover from a breakup. So if this is the first time that has really happened to you, breakups are one of the most painful things that happens to us in our lives according to something called the Holmes Rahe Scale. So that’s why it’s so painful.
But there’s actually a principle called the hedonic treadmill, which suggests that we can recover from really damaging life experiences really, really quickly. And we just don’t realize it. And what you’re probably doing is, you’re focusing so much on your ex, that you’re not recovering. And this is also why you’re probably not taking any action, why you’re not doing something to actually feel stronger. Because you’re so focused on her. You’re not focusing on yourself. You’re not focusing on your recovery. You’re not focusing on other things that are important to your life and the reality is the faster that you focus on your life again, the quicker you’re going to realize that yes, actually, you know, what you still have a life. Life is not over because of her. There is still strength within you. You’re a whole person. There are things that matter to you that are relevant to you, that have nothing to do with her.
And whatever you want to do with your life… You’re 25, so you’re relatively young. You probably have your first job, or maybe your second job. I’m sure you still want to climb the career ladder. You want to learn new skills. Maybe you want to become a manager in some position, or something like that, or build your own business in the future, or you’re already doing it right now. So anyway, what I’m getting at is that there’s so much that you still have to experience. You’re still relatively young and life is long. Life is awesome and there are a lot of things that you can experience even without your ex. And I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You said that you dated your ex, who was very extroverted, and that helped you a lot to grow as a person. And so I’m assuming that because you’re so introverted, maybe that helped you to meet other people and just be a little bit more outgoing, but you can also be outgoing without her. And you can grow without her.
I’m not denying that you probably grew a lot by being with her, because it showed you a different way of yourself that you didn’t even realize existed. The extroverted part of yours, perhaps, and so what I would suggest to you is, for example, keep on exploring these sides of yours that you’re not so familiar with. Those that are a little bit out of your comfort zone. Because that will help you gain new strength & recognize “There are still things & ways how I can grow. That I can learn new things. That I can discover about myself,” and then when she comes back, she will also realize “he’s a completely new person. There’s so much to learn about him! And he didn’t stand still,” and that’s really what you have to do: Never stand still! And by not standing still, you will also not miss her every day. You said you miss her every day, and by not standing still, you ultimately are keeping yourself busy with something else, and that way you’re not thinking about her all the time. You’re actually thinking about your own life, and you are starting to realize that your life is not just her. Your life is a lot of things combined together and she’s a part of that, or she was a part of that, but there’s so much more to that!
Ex And I Were Incompatible: Can An Introvert Man Date An Extrovert Woman? Was There A Way To Fix It?
We’ve been together for three years. The reason why she broke up with me actually has to do with my introversion. My ex, Maisy, didn’t feel like we did enough together. She was envious of her friends who’d often go out on trips and hang out with people. I really tried to become more outgoing but I’m a very socially awkward person and don’t really know what to say when talking to strangers.
So in a nutshell you couldn’t really give her what she wanted and you say that you’re a very socially awkward person. So if she is very extroverted, she probably likes to talk a lot with people. Maybe she also is just very outgoing, goes to parties, maybe she also gets hit on by a lot of people, who knows, by a lot of guys. You never know. Because ultimately, she’s a woman. So women get hit on all the time, so she has much higher social skills than you do. So I think that maybe you’re not even really introverted, but rather like you say, you’re socially awkward, and you don’t know what to say to strangers, and perhaps you have to learn that it’s not so difficult to talk to strangers. So clearly, this was kind of a deal-breaker for her. She wanted to go out more on trips, have some fun, couple stuff basically. And you didn’t do that.
So it’s kind of understandable why eventually she gave up and broke up with you. But what you have to learn is that there is no secret sauce how to talk to strangers. You just talk to them about anything. You don’t have to please them. You don’t have to say something very specific. Whatever excites, you talk with them about that. And you just start to have a conversation about that. I think a lot about this is about the anxiety of not figuring out how to keep the conversation going, but for example, if you’re talking to a very extroverted person, that person will just keep the conversation going for you! But the bottom line is just talking about something that you find interesting, and sometimes you don’t even have to talk that much. It’s just about being friendly with people, saying hi, having a quick conversation… I live by the beach, or I used to live by the beach.
I’m going back to Bali in two weeks, but anyway, so I used to live by the beach all time and you run into strangers there all the time by the beach. People who are just there for visits with their girlfriend or with their wife, or something like that. And you just strike up a conversation for five minutes and that’s it. And then they’re gone. And that’s it. You just talk about their dog, or their children, or what they’re up to, or where they’re from, or that they just moved here, what their plans are… It doesn’t really matter, man. It’s not like you have to please people and nobody wins an award for having a conversation that lasts the longest. That’s just not what it is about. She just wants to go out, meet some people, have some fun, see something new, get some variety in her life. That’s what women are about. They want some variety! That’s why they always have so many shoes, actually, because they want something that excites them, and as a man, you have to provide them excitement. And so you just gotta go out. You don’t have to be the guy who everybody talks to at a party. It’s not what it’s about. She just wanted to go on trips, that’s it. So let’s continue.
My Ex Girlfriend Was Bored In The Relationship: Women Want Excitement & Variety From Their Man
This has become an issue for her, especially in the last year. She was very excited to go out more often again with restrictions lifting and then she broke up with me in mid-January. She said she was tired of always having to think about whether I would be okay to do something and she wanted a relationship like her friends who often go out together, take photos, and go exploring. I begged hard for her to give me a chance and that I’d try to be more outgoing but she said that she doesn’t want to change me into something or being someone that I’m not and that she thinks it’s for the best.
And she’s actually right about that. She can’t change you and she shouldn’t want to change you. If you become more compatible and learn that it’s okay, you just go out, and she basically just said she wanted to go on some trips & do the same stuff that her friends do or maybe even go on trips with friends together. This is what I personally love to do. I just go on dates, dinner dates, or sport dates, or lunch dates with my girlfriend, with her friends, because you know we all want to socialize and just get to know each other, and have some good conversations, and grab some good food. And that’s it. And it’s just about quality time with your girlfriend. Quality time with the boyfriend. That’s what it’s all about. That’s what women want. They want quality time with their boyfriend.
And perhaps you’re overthinking this too much. It’s not like you have to meet so many people. It’s more about her wanting to spend time with you, and yes, you have to go out for that stuff. You have to go on trips, or whatever, but you don’t have to socialize with 20 people on that trip. She really wants to go on that trip with you and so you don’t have to change your entire personality because of that. You just have to kind of get out of your shell and realize that if you go to the next, whatever… Surf town, for example, that is one bus ride away, it’s not going to kill you. It’s not going to change your life drastically and you’re not going to have to change your behavior drastically. If you’re an introvert you can still sit there. I used to do this all the time when I’d chill by the surf beach. They have chairs there where you can just sit all by yourself with like one friend, or your girlfriend, maybe one more person, and you just enjoy the waves, and you don’t have to talk to every person passing by. It’s just not necessary.
And I am relatively extroverted, but actually, I used to be very introverted. You might not believe this but I used to be a super introverted, shy guy. Or so I thought! But I wasn’t really introverted. I just used to get bullied in school. I didn’t know how to talk to people because of that. I was very codependent, but then I did exactly that… I went out of my shell. I moved to the Philippines relatively impulsively, I met so many people there. I got a job there. I became independent and I learned that I can fend for myself. And that talking to other people is actually not that difficult or not that scary. It’s never super easy but it gets easier the older you grow and the more you actually try it. And sometimes you actually just conditioned yourself into being an introvert, but you’re not really. So when I used to do this… What is it called…? The Myers-Briggs test… For years, I would always be something like an INFP, introverted mediator, I think. But now when I do this test it always comes up as something like the extroverted leader, or something like that, even though I still feel introverted, but your personality shifts actually a little bit and sometimes it’s more about our upbringing than our deeply rooted personality.
And so I think there’s probably a little bit of room for growth of how you can be more extroverted but she was right that she didn’t want to change you and either way, you have to change yourself. If that is something that works for you. And if she can’t live with that, then you should probably not get back together. But what I think in this context is just that she needs to essentially start to miss you, then realize that it wasn’t that bad, eventually, you get back together, and then like I said, you try to go on trips, give her the small things here and there that she wants and see if they actually kill you. Do you need to talk to so many strangers if you’re socially awkward? I don’t think so! But I do think that you should work on your social awkwardness. That’s probably what you should work on, not watch every one of my videos. Well, you watched all of them already, you binged them, so now you just watch like one video every two days, so that’s fine I guess. But you also have to take action and well actually…
I had a video a few days ago… Maybe last week, or two weeks ago about some guy who… his girlfriend she liked arrow shooting… Whatever you call it… Archery, actually! So, for example, this kind of activity, if you’re introverted and you don’t like to talk with people so much, strangers… You have to start somewhere that is not so scary. So if you would go to a club, obviously, that would be super scary. If you would go to a dance class, that would be super scary. Way too many people! But there are sports like archery where you’re mostly on your own. So you’re just doing something that’s fun, that’s passionate, some sport, and it’s mostly all on your own. I used to go a lot bouldering in Bali. I can’t wait to go there and you just climb, right? It’s bouldering, like rock climbing. Kind of in a hall and you don’t talk to people very often there. It’s mostly a sport just for yourself.
So maybe you can find some activities that are just showing you that it’s okay to be on your own. Relatively on your own in public. And sometimes that strikes up a conversation, but mostly, it’s still you being just introverted by yourself doing something alone. As I said, I am relatively introverted. So I don’t want to talk to people all the time. And so this is why I love bouldering, or why I love surfing. I get to talk to people every now and then but most of the time I’m just on the surfboard and I’m just surfing and being on my own. And maybe you have to learn that not every activity out there in the world is going to involve that many people, all right?
The Danger Of Breaking No Contact: Breaking No Contact Too Early Only Pushes Your Ex Away
It’s been almost two months now that she broke up with me and I have messaged her three times to see how she is doing and every time I feel stupid because she always acts very disinterested. I am feeling so anxious because I can feel that she stopped caring about me.
No, I don’t think she stopped caring about you, but you only broke up two months ago and you messaged her three times. Clearly, she stopped caring about you in the sense of she doesn’t want to be with you right now because you couldn’t provide the things that she wanted, but does that mean that she doesn’t care about you? Your relationship was three years, right? So how can you stop caring about someone that quickly? It’s just impossible! We can’t break these bonds that quickly. You just can’t see that she cares about you. She’s not gonna send you a message “I care about you and I love you and I miss you“… No, of course not!
But what she knows right now is that she wants to be away from you. She decided to break up and she thinks that she can have more fun without you and she can be outgoing without you and she doesn’t have to overthink everything about going on a trip for the weekend with friends, for example. So yeah, she doesn’t care about you in that sense right now because she wants to live her own life right now, have some autonomy, and that’s actually been shown in breakup studies that this is one of the big reasons for women… Autonomy… They want autonomy. This is one of the reasons why they break up. So don’t go down that rabbit hole of overthinking of “does she care about me?” and you’re too much in your head with her! Like I said, you have to focus on yourself. It doesn’t matter what she’s doing right now. Whether she’s showing the signs that she cares about you. Clearly, the messaging her doesn’t really solve anything. You’re basically not doing no contact, and as I said in the beginning, she’s just seeing that you’re still weak and she didn’t trust you anymore to give her happiness, and reaching out to her when she doesn’t really miss you yet is not going to change that.
Don’t Contact Her: How To Keep No Contact With Ex Girlfriend When She Seems To Be Moving On?
I bet she is going out right now and having the fun she never could have with me and she’s starting to realize that breaking up with me was the right choice. I know I should not message her but I am feeling so alone without her. I don’t know what I should do. I know I have to do no contact and I also think I need to be more extroverted but I am not a person who goes out in public a lot. What can I do to feel better and is there any chance that Maisy will change her mind and come back?
Yeah, for sure, she’s probably gonna message you again after a while when she starts missing you, but for that, first of all, you gotta stop messaging her. Otherwise, it’s not no contact. And then she can’t really miss you because you’re still there and that way she’s just going to take you for granted. And actually, I want to point something out that’s kind of ironic in your message. You say that you feel so alone without her but you said that you’re an introvert. So which one is it? Do you want to be alone or not? I think actually there’s probably a little bit of an extrovert within you and you appreciated what she gave you extroversion. It showed you that you can actually be a little bit less socially awkward and be a bit more outgoing. You even said that this helped you to grow as a person. So I think that goes back to what I just said in this entire message. I think you don’t give yourself enough credit and I think she has kind of been your lifeline and it should actually be the reverse. You should be the safe haven for your girlfriend, not the other way around.
But it sounds to me that without her you’re feeling lonely and are you really introverted, or are you just shy? Because most likely, if you were introverted, you would eventually thrive again by being all by yourself. But it doesn’t sound like it to me that you are striving all by yourself. I get it… You miss her and that feels really lonely after three years, especially, but the bottom line is if you’re feeling lonely all by yourself, then it is time to go out there and develop some strength. Meet some people and do something. So like I said, you gotta figure out how can you actually become a little bit more extroverted? And you can literally do this with anything! I can imagine that there are some introverted people who love to read books and they just go to a bookstore and I sometimes see these people, they just grab a book, and they sit there and read the book, and I could never do that, to be honest. But some people can do that. Some people like that. And this is probably their comfort level of people. Some people just go to a coffee shop and see people passing by, but they would never talk to a person.
So figure out what is your comfort level to just become a little bit more outgoing, to occupy your life with, because right now I can tell that you’re thinking way too much about her and you’re probably spending every moment thinking about “Does she miss me? When is she going to come back? Should I message her?“… You messaged her three times already and you’re wondering “Is she having all this fun without me?” which she probably has… But that’s not a big problem, dude. Let her have that fun. There’s more to life, and there are a lot of great qualities that you have as well, so if she’s very extroverted, of course, your introverted qualities are also something to be desired. Maybe you are her calm and quiet. It’s just that sometimes it was a little bit too calm and quiet.
So you gotta find the middle ground for both of each other. So first of all, stop no contact, wait for her to reach out, then I would suggest that you try to find some ways to be a little bit more outgoing on your own. It doesn’t have to be crazy stuff. Figure something out that is relatively low effort, relatively low barrier of entry, not that many people, and then when she reaches out to you, you can see how you can find some compromise in the future. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.