Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about really, really big screw-ups. I would say f-ups, but we’re not supposed to swear at the beginning of the videos. If you’ve ever made a gigantic mistake with an ex that basically caused a breakup, you know that it’s really hard to get her back because you know how much you messed this up. You know how disappointed she is. And you know how hurt she is. And you know that she doesn’t want you back at all, right? Now she just wants to be as far away as possible from you because she is disgusted with you. She’s disappointed. She can’t believe that she devoted herself to you. And what do you do in a situation like this? And the one thing you take away from a situation like this is that actions always speak louder than words.
No Contact Waiting: Are You Not Speaking To An Ex Girlfriend To Get Her Back Or To Focus On Yourself?
So if you’ve really screwed it up and I assume now we are past this 30 seconds limit on YouTube, so if you really fucked it up, then you gotta take action. And with action, I mean you gotta change the things about yourself that led to the fuckup. You gotta change the things that didn’t make her happy. And that has nothing to do with proving it to her with your words. It has nothing to do about showing it to her. It’s about just focusing on yourself. Look inwards and figure out “What the fuck did I do? Why the fuck did I do this? What a fucking moron am I for doing this?! I knew better but I did it anyways“…
Now, compassion is, of course, very important. Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. And especially if you made a huge mistake, or especially, if you’re in a lot of pain, it can be really difficult to confront these issues. It can be really difficult to confront your flaws, your pain, your hurt, your weakness, or your perceived weakness. But let’s be real it has to be done. And even if it’s messy, even if it’s really ugly, even if you don’t want to do this, you gotta do it so that you can actually change for her. So then, hopefully, she will see that you’ve changed and through your actions she will then come back. So let’s jump right into a message from a guy who has gone through this problem. He screwed up big time. He made probably the biggest mistake he could have possibly made with his woman and she is some… She hasn’t really broken up with him. They were engaged. It’s his fiancee, basically, and well, right now, at the very least she wants space. And let’s see what is my advice for him.
Counting The Days: She Hasn’t Reached Out In A Month Despite More Than 1 Month Of No Contact
Hey coach, I hope to hear from you on my issue with my ex-fiance who won’t reach out to me despite 43 days of being in no contact.
It doesn’t matter how long you do no contact. There’s no certain limit of how many days did you do it. And “Wait… It’s been 43 days already and I haven’t heard from her?!“… Nah, she will need however long she needs! And we’re going to see in your case it was a huge mistake what you’ve made. And so you can’t really pin a number on this. Whether it’s 43 days after no contact that she reaches out, or if it’s after 60 days, or maybe it’s after six months, you never know. It depends on how she feels in the moment. It could be the most random thing in the world that motivates her to reach out to you. And so spinning the clock, thinking about “today’s the day she’s going to reach out to me,” or hoping that today’s the day because it’s been an arbitrary number, is pointless. And it stops you from actually focusing on yourself, and changing, and improving, because no contact is not a waiting game. It’s an improvement game. It’s time that you need to spend wisely to improve yourself and fix your flaws. Actions, not words.
Good Women Stay Until They Can’t: My Ex Girlfriend Left Me Because Of My Drinking Problem
She broke up with me because I had relapsed on alcohol and she didn’t want to be with me any longer. As soon as she found out that I was drinking alcohol again, she immediately cried and broke up with me on the spot. For a bit of background, I’ve been suffering from alcohol addiction for many years and Vina, my ex, has seen me at some of my worst times. We have been a couple for over five years, with lots of ups and downs, and she was there with me even in my darkest moments. And eventually, I sobered up, and ever since then, things had improved a lot for me and our relationship, which is why we got engaged.
So quite clearly, this is probably the worst thing that could have possibly happened in your relationship. This is your one big Achilles heel. This is your biggest weakness. And you say it very well. She’s been through this in your darkest times. So that tells you that she’s really a keeper. I don’t know how bad your alcohol addiction has been but anybody who has followed the Amber Heard / Johnny Depp trial and has seen the tapes and all that stuff between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp… Look, Amber Heard is really fucked up, but also, if you look at Johnny Depp, this guy is a super crazy alcoholic. He just gets wasted like crazy. He’s not an abusive person, but he gets really drunk. It really isn’t a pretty picture. And so she has been with you through this for five years, or sorry, you’ve been together for five years.
And I don’t know how long it lasted, but she’s been through this really dark phase with you, so she’s seen you at your worst. She has seen you at times when maybe you’ve disrespected her. Maybe you’ve been noisy. Shouting, making her feel uncomfortable, making her feel scared. All kinds of things. So of course, doing this is the worst thing you could possibly have done. And so the big problem basically is that all the trust is gone on her part now. And relationships are all about trust. A woman who trusts discovers her lust. When she trusts you, you can make a lot of fuckups and she will forgive you. But once you kill the trust, the smallest thing will make her leave, or alternatively, if there was a lot of trust, because clearly, you sobered up, you fixed yourself, now she was ready to get engaged with you and marry you and then in one big swoop, in one small action of yours… Most likely, I don’t know how much you drank, but you’ve been drinking again and it could have been literally just one beer and she sees that one beer.
It’s a tiny action, but all the trust is gone in one instance. It’s an insane shock for a woman when that happens, because she felt safe and secure around you and now all of a sudden, it’s not just that the trust is gone a little bit, it just completely evaporated. And imagine… She felt really happy with you and then overnight basically she’s back to maybe two years from now, or two years ago, where she felt really insecure, really scared, not really sure about the relationship, and she’s back in the past, basically. And so immediately, what she’s gonna do? Of course, she’s most likely going to not just have a lack of trust because you are drinking again, but also, she’s going back into the past to those moments and she’s even thinking about “Is this how it’s gonna be like again?“… So most likely it just got worse, and worse, and no trust… So you gotta rebuild the trust. So you gotta take actions to rebuild that trust. Now, you know exactly what I’m gonna say. You gotta sober up, of course, but we’re gonna see, I’m gonna go through this message… It’s not as easy as you might think. And you’re struggling a lot, so let’s see what do I have to say and what do you need to do.
I Lied To My Ex Girlfriend: My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me Because I Lied To Her And Hurt Her Feelings
The pandemic was hard on me. I was out of a job for a few months and the isolation was very challenging as well. I made a stupid mistake of picking up alcohol again. And worse, I kept it a secret from her because I knew if she’d find out she wouldn’t be happy. I honestly did not expect her to break up with me right away when she found out. I mean, technically, I only had a few beers but to her it must have brought back a lot of bad memories.
So of course, even more trust is broken, because not only did you relapse and you know let’s say, for example, you buy a beer in a weak moment and then you have that beer, and then you would tell her “Babe, I made a really big mistake. I had some alcohol.“… Then maybe she could have forgiven you and she would have said “We’re gonna get through this. We’re gonna fix this. You’re gonna go back to AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, and we’re gonna go through this again,” and she might have been there with you. But that’s not the case. You intentionally misled her. You intentionally basically abused her trust. So obviously, that’s pretty bad, and that’s gonna make it much, much harder to win her trust back. It’s twice the trust gone, basically. So that means you gotta work twice as hard as well.
Ex Girlfriend Needs Time To Think: She Didn’t Want To Break Up But She Needed Space
She said that she needed time to think and that she thinks I also need to think about my actions and that she’s not going through this again. She didn’t technically break up with me back then, but rather just walked out on me and said she needed time to think. She never clarified this ever since, except for talking to me once and saying that she can’t be with me unless I stop drinking and go back to an AA meeting. That was roughly three weeks after she left and since then I’ve been doing no contact and I’ve been fighting hard not to go down further the rabbit hole.
I am drinking nowhere near as much as I used to back in the day when Vina would see me absolutely wasted. In fact, I would say despite the breakup, I have been making progress to drink even less than when I started drinking again, but the loneliness is killing me. I miss her and I don’t know what to do. I have not heard from her since we spoke around roughly from day 20, and I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I don’t know how to make this work. Vina was my beacon of light when things would get tough. I want to sober up. I know it was my fault but I just can’t bring myself to do it alone.
Okay, so there’s some good news and some bad news. The good news is she didn’t really break up. I think she really doesn’t want to break up. Clearly, engagement is a huge step. It shows that there’s a lot of commitment. You’ve been through a lot as well, so she has invested a lot in the relationship. So she doesn’t want to just let go of that relationship. She didn’t really didn’t expect this, so I am sure she is not doing this just to say as an excuse no I need space and time to think. I think she genuinely doesn’t really know what to think right now. So she hasn’t broken up with you yet. That is the good side. The bad side is that at some point, she’s gonna break up with you if you don’t fix your shit.
And unfortunately, I think this one is very hard to reconcile. This is not just a small issue. So if she won’t see some substantial change from you, then she might think that this can never be fixed, and she would rather stay separated and give up on the relationship, rather than giving it another try in the future because this is not just like having a bit of arguments here and there, or some shouting. or coming home at late at night, or walking out of the room angry, stuff like that. No, this is a really, really huge problem. And if this problem won’t be solved she will be fucking miserable. Why would she commit to you, and of course, also the marriage, if she knows she’s going to be absolutely fucking miserable?
And if I go back to the analogy between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, they’re both fucked up people in their own way. And it’s no secret that these two people were just absolutely miserable in their relationship with each other, probably by themselves, and these two people probably made it worse on themselves. It’s like two fucked up people coming together is worse than one person being fucked up. So okay, in your case it’s just you who currently is really fucked up but it doesn’t really make it any better. She can’t reconcile this. I think the way how it all went down is really hard for her to tell herself “We’re gonna get back together and we’re gonna work on this AA stuff together.” … I think first, you gotta take the first steps. The first action steps. And we’re gonna see here you say that it’s really hard. So let me just read what you say.
No Contact Waiting: Don’t Contact Your Ex & Focus On Personal Growth After The Breakup
I just can’t bring myself to do it. A few beer bottles or one glass of whiskey is the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now. It’s similar to boredom, when you don’t know what to do with yourself, then just casually sipping on a glass is better than doing nothing at all. The loneliness is killing my self-control. I am afraid that I fucked this up for good. I can call myself grateful that Vina accepted me for my flaws and was there for me during the peak of my alcohol addiction, and without her I would have never sobered up. I can see her breaking off the wedding and calling it quits given that I relapsed. I don’t know what I should do. I feel like I need her to make it through this, but she doesn’t want anything to do with me the way I am right now. At least, that is my assumption. I hope you can give me advice what I should do.
Well, the harsh and really ugly truth in this case is… This time, this is really up to you. A woman wants to have stability. If she was willing to commit to you, to a marriage, then she felt really really stable, which is a really huge leap from you being irresponsible, being really screwed up, and basically making her feel very insecure in the relationship in the past. So there has definitely been a huge shift in the past where she said “I trust this man. This man can take care of me for the rest of my life.” Most likely, she thought that actually because you went from completely fucked up to fixing your shit.
And now, let’s be real: You say it very well. She contributed a lot to you fixing yourself. She was there for you and it helped you and as much as you acknowledge that, I am sure that she doesn’t see it that way. I’m sure that she was proud of you and she saw your strength to fix yourself. She saw that you were committed to her because that takes a lot of action. Getting over addiction is a really difficult task and a lot of people never manage to get it done. I still remember one of my old friends in the Philippines, he clearly had an alcohol addiction, and he was really messed up. He was struggling a lot with his mental health issues. And whenever I was with him I could just see how screwed up he was. And I’m not sure if he had a girlfriend, but it must have been really tough for her if he did. This can’t be underestimated. And she knows, of course, as well, that this can’t be underestimated. The harsh truth right now is the only thing that you can do is: You have to fix it by yourself. You gotta prove to her now that you can fix yourself. That you can get back to AA. Get sober. Sober up, get rid of all the alcohol, and do it by yourself. She needs to see that this will never happen again.
And the thing, is if she can’t see that you can fix this by yourself, she knows that she has to be the one that you’re going to lean on again. And that process was really, really painful for her. Because as much as she can support you, it’s ultimately up to you, and that’s a really important lesson that everybody has to learn about breakups and no contact, in general. If you’re screwed up, it’s all up to you. She can hope that you’re going to improve. She can hope that you’re going to change. She can hope that after some time passes you are a different kind of man. But even if she told you clearly what she wanted or didn’t want, she can’t do anything. It’s up to you to change yourself. You have played the, let’s just call it “victim” card once already. The card of “I can’t do this by myself,” and being powerless, or telling yourself that you’re powerless, but now you gotta change it. You gotta fix your shit and prove to yourself that you’re not powerless. You’re not a victim. You can change. You can do this, even without her.
Is it going to be really tough under the current circumstances of being alone without her, and now you’re struggling with not being sober, plus she’s gone? The woman who got you through all of this is gone. The woman that he wants to marry is gone. Yeah, of course, that makes it much worse. But nothing is going to solve this except for yourself. You gotta get off the alcohol. And the first thing that you need to do is, clearly, go to an AA meeting. Not even just go off the alcohol. I’m sure that’s not so easy for you, or staying off of it is not that easy for you. The first step has to be taken though. I think, right, you said this earlier in your message that she also asked you that you should go to an AA meeting. So it seems to me that you haven’t been to one yet and I don’t know what is the current rules and regulations with these meetings. I’m assuming they’re back as in-person meetings, but even if they weren’t, I assume there are also zoom chapters. Something like that. And there is no excuse to not go there.
The Only Way To Get Her Back: Show Your Ex You Can Change & Put It Into Action
I’ll be straightforward: If you don’t commit to taking action right now, then you’re probably gonna lose her. I think this is going to be a done deal at some point if you don’t take the action. There is simply no secret hack here. There is no trick. There is no no-contact trick. In this case, this is a real meaningful problem. This is profound. This can’t be solved with a hack. This can only be solved with commitment. You wanted to marry her, to show her that she can trust you for the rest of your/her life. You wanted to show her “I am committed to you for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy!” … So clearly, now is the time to prove her that this is really what you meant, or what you committed to when you got engaged. I’m sure you gave a really nice speech to her why you love her, and why you want to make her happy and, why you want to spend the rest of your life with her. So now you gotta prove to her these words that you told her when you got engaged. That they were all true. Because that is the only way how you can rebuild trust.
You can let her know. I think it might make sense to let her know once you go to AA, to let her know about your steps. I would ignore no contact. I would not message her all the time, but one message saying “Hey, I went to AA today.” … That is okay. You can let her know about this. Or “Hey, I have been sober for 30 days,” for example, when you reach the milestone. Or “Hey, I am committed today. I’m starting my journey to no longer drink any alcohol.” Right. Honestly, in your situation, I think that is fine because you are a very extreme scenario. And she needs to see that you’re taking action. You don’t have to blast it out to her all the time. It’s still important that you keep your distance from her. But to some extent, it is useful in your situation that she can actually see you’re doing something.
And then ultimately, you gotta wait for her to reach out and you can’t put any number on this. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 43 days now since no contact. What matters is that she trusts that if she comes back home, or when she comes back home, she will feel safe. She will feel like you’ve got your shit back together. Or at the very least, you made a start to get your shit back together. And you can then work on it. Don’t expect any miracles. And also don’t expect for the marriage to push through. Look, if she wants to cancel the marriage right now, she has every right to do so and calling it off. I think it’s kind of understandable and you just gotta work on re-establishing that trust. And again, as I said, I really think you have to prove her that you can do this without her because I definitely think she needs to see a sign that you can fix this by yourself. She is not your babysitter. You’re a grown-up man who can provide stability to her. And I know that you probably haven’t been drinking that much yet, you said this yourself, but it really doesn’t matter how bad it is. You are no Johnny Depp, right now, I assume. But that really doesn’t matter because it’s all in her head.
So you gotta basically go back to zero. No alcohol. So that whatever is up in her head up there will just disappear completely, and then you can replace it with good memories, and with good interactions again, right. Now, you gotta give her time. So no secret bullets. I would completely just ignore no contact in the time frame. That’s not the most important thing right now. For anyone watching this: No contact, it’s not about waiting, it’s about taking action to improve yourself. And God knows you need to improve yourself a lot right now. So screw the idea that you’re doing no contact and you’re looking for the outcome to get her back. That is not the outcome right now that you need. The outcome is you need to sober up. You need to do this for yourself. To respect yourself. You need to do this for, hopefully, your future family, and if you won’t do it, you might not have a future family. So focus on your actions and what you do with your thoughts. With your self-control. Self-control, emotional self-control. Thoughts, they are, in a way, actions as well. Work on those actions.
Now, I am by no means an expert in addiction, but maybe you want to book a coaching session with me and we can talk through this, and we can talk through action steps. I’m sure your… What do you call it, an AA sponsor has most likely more experience on this, so it’s really up to you what you want to do, but you gotta find a support system now more than ever because of the breakup, because otherwise, you’re just gonna screw it up more and more. As you said, you’re very lonely right now. And get that support system back. Even if it’s not with AA. If it’s me, or another coach, I really don’t care. I just want you to be happy and fulfilled, and to fix yourself. If it’s with an AA group or with a men’s circle, in general, or any other community, I don’t care. Just find people who will support you in this tough time. But that doesn’t mean that you should just completely lean on them. They are just a little bit there to give you that little push.
Ultimately, it has to be your actions, just like right now, you can’t and shouldn’t depend on her. You can’t fully depend on whatever support system you choose right now. It’s all up to you. You gotta depend on yourself. And I know that you can do this. You gotta trust yourself that you can do this by yourself. All right, so that is my final advice for you. I wish you all the best. I know you are in an incredibly difficult situation right now, but you got this. You are a king, and even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you feel like you just fucked up like crazy, you can do this. Trust yourself. That is so important, especially in your worst moments. You are so much better than your worst decision in the last few months, or in the last three months. You are a great man. You want to improve. I think you don’t know how, or you feel like you lack the confidence to change, but you can do this. I believe in you, so go out there get it done. All right, so that’s my final advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
