Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about obsession and today I’m gonna do a little bit of a personal thing. So I wanna share a message of a guy… I wasn’t planning to make this video today but I felt that my own situation today is really related to this. It’s been a long time that I’ve been obsessed with an ex or a woman, but if you’re coming to this channel, of course, you’re probably obsessed with your ex-girlfriend and you want her back. And the reality is: Obsession is really fucking awful.
So if you’ve been following my channel for some while, you might know that I’ve been living in the Philippines for two years and I’ve been trying to get back home for like two years now, basically. And so recently the Philippines reopened… And I’m like: “Yeah!! I can finally go back home!” And got yet another flight canceled. So I felt really awful today and it made me think a little bit about your situations, and I have the situation from a guy who’s so obsessed about his ex. He’s so obsessed about the outcome of getting his ex back and that is the difficult part! When you’re so obsessed with wanting something, but you can’t have it, it makes you feel anxious. You get panic attacks. You can’t function properly anymore.
Me, I had my flight canceled a few days ago and I’m like fuck when is this ever gonna end?! I couldn’t sleep last night. I feel really bad right now. I’m having migraines and I really didn’t want to record a video today to be honest, but I want to make a video for you today. So I know that feeling when you want something so badly but no matter what you try, no matter what you do, you just can’t get it. And that’s actually a very important lesson for today’s video:
The harder you try, the more you get obsessed with something, the harder it becomes for you. So the more that I want to get back to the Philippines and the more that you want your ex back, and the harder that you’re trying to get her back, the harder it becomes. The more that you’re thinking about her and trying to figure out all the strategies… And what is she thinking about? Does she miss you? It gets so freaking hard. You have to be a little bit detached from that situation. So for me, for example, I decided fuck it! It’s been two years now that I’ve been wanting to get back to the Philippines. It’s not even my home anymore. I’m gonna let go of this outcome now and maybe in the future, I can get back to the Philippines, but now I’m gonna book a new flight to some beach where I can surf and that is it.
And you have to do the same thing with your ex. You have to accept that right now, fuck it! It’s over. You can’t change the situation right now. Right now your ex doesn’t want you and you can’t really figure out what is she thinking. And the more that you think about this, the harder it becomes and then you might end up like me where you can’t sleep for the whole night and you start looking at messages. I’ve been looking at flight stuff, news all the time, this entire night. What have you been doing? How do you feel? Let us know in the comments. It’s very helpful to actually talk about this. What is your anxiety? How do you feel about your ex? How does it hurt you to not hear from her? Let us know in the comments. Alright so let’s get into the situation of a guy who is obsessed with his ex.
He can’t stop thinking about her and that is of course what is holding him back because for every moment that he spends thinking about his ex he’s not busy with something else. I could have done something much more productive. I could have probably recorded a few videos from my Youtube channel today. What could you do instead of focusing on your ex? Think about this while you listen to this video. Alright, so let’s get into this. A long introduction today but I wanted to make it a little bit personal today because I haven’t been obsessed with a woman for a long time, so this feels kind of relevant to me. Alright, so let’s get into it.
Hello coach, I hope you can help me relieve my anxiety. I have been unable to sleep, eat and I am having a really hard time at work because I can’t concentrate at all. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me six weeks ago and I only started no contact less than two weeks ago. At first, I desperately tried to beg her for another chance but she said that she didn’t want to be with me any longer.
Just like I said: You can’t change the situation and so some of you guys, you start begging like crazy. Some of you do it longer, some of you do it not so long. But that is not going to change the situation and so there’s actually an interesting study that I want to mention in this context. So you’ve been begging for a few weeks and then you’ve only started no contact two weeks ago. So in a way, you basically panic and you accept it and you realize the breakup is actually happening… “Shit this is serious! She doesn’t want to hear from me!” and so that’s why you start begging. So you’re actually busy processing the breakup. You’re grieving. And some of you might argue no, he’s not accepting the breakup because well, then he would just move on, but no, he’s currently in that stage where he’s accepting that it’s over and this is why he’s panicking. And so what happens with women, ironically, surprisingly, is they don’t grieve the breakup immediately. There have been studies about this. Women only start grieving and regretting a breakup after a while and so there’s basically a different process here.
So for any guy who’s watching this, it’s important to understand this dynamic because while you are busy processing the grief, and being anxious, and having panic attacks, and missing her like crazy, your ex is not feeling that at all right now, actually. I know it hurts to say that to you but that is how she feels right now. She’s kind of relieved. She doesn’t really care about the breakup. She’s not really processing it. She’s basically setting you, and the breakup, and the relationship aside, and she’s not processing that “This is actually over! I am actually losing out on someone that I really love!“…
All your ex is doing is deciding what she has in the moment doesn’t make her happy anymore. But she’s not really processing the consequences about it and so this is why begging doesn’t work. Because while you’re begging and begging, your ex just doesn’t care because she hasn’t processed the breakup yet and so that’s why you should never beg after a breakup. It just doesn’t work.
Her reason for the breakup was that she said that she had felt neglected for a long time. That she felt that I didn’t pay any attention to our relationship. She said that I spent more time playing games than I spent with her. I first didn’t think this was a serious issue, at least not an issue for breaking up but she really meant it. I thought she was over-exaggerating and I thought it was something that can be solved but she was extremely distant with me and told me to let her go and that she thinks it’s time for us to spend time on our own. And her reason was also that she felt if I wouldn’t spend more time with her then she might as well be by herself.
And so, of course, she’s actually right with this assumption. Why should she be with you if you’re neglecting her? And it’s very important to understand something here. It’s not about you being busy with other shit… So you’ve been playing games. I don’t know how much you’ve been playing games but I’m assuming you didn’t completely neglect your girlfriend. You probably still made time for her because obviously, you really care about her. So there was basically just a bit of an imbalance. The problem was not that you were playing video games and neglecting her from time to time. The problem was that there was more attention on the video games than on her.
I know that sounds basic. That sounds like common sense but it’s important to understand, because if you would actually pay enough attention every now and then to your girlfriend, then she wouldn’t care about you playing games. She wouldn’t care if you’re spending the weekend, or maybe one day on the weekend with your friends playing… Whatever, meeting up for playing Xbox or something like that. She wouldn’t give a shit because she’d be happy with you. But because you’re not doing that, she’s trying to gain your attention, and no matter what she tries she won’t get it. It’s important to understand this it’s not about you spending time with your video games.
It’s about you not spending time with her and that makes her feel lonely. And that is one of the main reasons why relationships typically fail because the girlfriend feels neglected. She feels lonely. She doesn’t feel like you’re paying attention to her small rituals here and there where she wants to get your attention. So I’ll give you a very simple example of how you could do this better, even when you’re playing video games. Let’s say you’re playing your game with your friends and obviously, let’s say you’re playing something like Call of Duty or whatever is going to be popular when you watch this video, and then your girlfriend tells you something… She’s asking for an opinion about her dress or something like that. Whatever. Right?
And you’re like: “I can’t pay attention to the dress because I’m playing my game. I can’t pause!” And well, yeah, you can’t pause your game but it’s not like you have to write a master thesis on her dress. It’s really just about quickly acknowledging the dress that she’s talking about. Getting your opinion, even if that just takes like 30 seconds, that is better than just saying “I can’t right now!” and honestly, let’s think about this… If you don’t play for 30 seconds Call of Duty or whatever you’re playing… Are you gonna die? Well, you’re probably gonna die for that round in your game yes, but your game isn’t over because of 30 seconds that you have to do something and pay some quick attention to your girlfriend.
And that probably would be enough to make her happy because for whatever reason, in exactly that moment she cared about your opinion, your validation, your affirmation, and so all you have to do is give it to her in that moment. It takes 30 seconds and then she’s happy and she probably won’t care. That’s all you have to do. It’s very important to understand this principle. It’s not about becoming a guy who all of a sudden has like 30 hours in his day and you can make more time that doesn’t exist. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about using that time that you have efficiently, smartly, and affectionately in small ways and small chunks so that you can spread this out throughout the day with your girlfriend. Alright, so let’s continue.
I tried to convince her that I will make time for her and that I would stop playing games for a while but nothing worked. The more I tried to convince her, the more she seemed to slip away. Eventually, it got so bad that I didn’t even know if I still wanted to live.
Man, I’m really sorry that you feel this way. This must be a really awful feeling. I know a lot of you feel really depressed and anxious about this stuff but I want you to know it’s really important to understand that just because your relationship is over right now, doesn’t mean that your life is over right now. It’s like what I said earlier with my flight to the Philippines or with accepting that “Fuck this shit! This is over right now.”
Yes, it feels like there’s no sense. You miss your ex-girlfriend. You really don’t know how to live anymore without her but you need to accept this situation because you don’t know what is going to happen in a year from now. In a year from now, your relationship can start from scratch. You can start over again. It’s just right now, it’s not possible. So I know as hard as this is, I want you to know that you can get through this moment right now. And in six months from now, in three months from now, in a month from now, things can be much better and yes, they can be much better with your ex. So stay strong, dude. It’s all about unleashing the king within. Sometimes it’s also about finding strength despite your weaknesses and I know that you can do this.
All right, so he then continues saying: “But in a way, this helped me because it stopped me from begging more. So now I’ve been in no contact for eight days after my last message that I sent which said ‘hey I’ve been thinking a lot about the mistakes I made and I really want to do better. Will you please just talk to me?’…”
So there are actually two reasons why this message wasn’t so great. First of all, of course, you are chasing / begging her. I already explained this is not a good way to go but the other thing that you’re doing here that I want to go more into detail is you say “will you please just talk to me?” So basically, it’s like you’re not really giving her a choice. It’s like you’re urging her to do it. Please, just talk to me. Do it! I need you to talk to me! It has to be her choice to want to talk to you. Of course, messaging her, in general, was not a good idea, but if you would have at least phrased it differently, then it would have been better such as, for example, “I’ve been thinking about stuff and if you want to talk about it then you can always just message me.”
I still wouldn’t suggest that you send a message like this but it would be better than urging her to do it because if you urge her, then she knows it’s not her idea, it’s your idea. And that means she has the power. She can choose to say no and if she can say no then she knows that she can manipulate you. And I always say if a woman can deceive she’s going to leave. She doesn’t want to know that she can manipulate you. She doesn’t want to know that she can string you along. She doesn’t want to see that you still care so much about her. As weird as that might sound. In your situation, you probably can’t really wrap your head around this but it’s really important to understand this concept.
She didn’t answer that message. So now I’m no longer reaching out to her and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I spend most of my time thinking about her and wondering what she’s thinking about. I don’t know how she feels but anything I can think of just gives me anxiety and makes me panic. I can’t believe that she’s just gone like that and that she won’t talk to me after we’ve been together for almost one and a half years. I can’t do my work properly anymore because of all of this stress. I’m really lucky that I haven’t been found out at work yet that I am slacking off but that’s just another level of anxiety that adds to it…
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I think my ex has moved on and I don’t know what she is thinking, and the more I try to understand how she feels, the more it hurts and gives me anxiety attacks. How is no contact supposed to work if you can’t really tell what you’re saying or doing is actually having any effect? There’s no way of knowing if she misses me or if she’s happy with her life. Please help me. Thank you so much.
So this is another misconception that is really important to understand both about breakups, but also relationships. And I actually think this is probably one of the biggest mistakes that couples make in general, but also men after a breakup. You’re trying to think about what is she thinking about. You’re trying to figure out what is she feeling. But you know what? The reality is you never know what a person is truly feeling or thinking unless they tell you. And so of course, when you are in a relationship, you can just ask your girlfriend how does she feel.
But of course, a lot of guys don’t do that and so because they don’t do that they don’t know how she feels. They don’t know how disappointed she is. They don’t know how unhappy she is until eventually, the breakup happens. But now you can’t do that because you’re not in the relationship anymore. So the one principle you need to understand is you don’t know what she’s thinking. If you can ask about what she’s thinking then you should do that and that is the right time in a relationship or maybe if you meet up and she wants to talk about it. But right now she wants nothing to do with you. So by you trying to figure out what is she thinking about… What is going through her mind?… “What does she think about the message that I sent her?” The last one that you sent. All of these things you can’t really know that.
Even myself, I can only give you an educated guess. I can give you a guess based on clients that I’ve worked with in the past, studies that I’ve read, all kinds of advice on psychological biases, and I can wrap this all around into my opinion. But I can’t give you 100% clear advice on: She thinks exactly 100% this. I just don’t know! Because humans are complex. Women are very complex! So there’s no point in trying to figure this out and trying to put all of these puzzle pieces together until you know exactly what’s going on. You wanna know when you know what’s going on? When she messages you. That is a sign that there’s some sign of attraction and that tells you okay something is going in the right direction. Until that moment you don’t know anything that she’s thinking and ultimately, the only time that you should really interpret what is she thinking is when she takes action to meet up with you, to reach out to you, to get in touch with you, to figure out what is up with you. Anything else beyond that how she reacts to you when you say something, or message her, or whatever, give her some stuff back that belongs to her, or look at one of her Instagram stories, or stuff like that…
You don’t know what she’s thinking about because there are so many variables in that moment how she feels and the only variable that we can gauge is when she reaches out to you because then we know okay there must be a reason why she messaged you. Because nobody reaches out to an ex just for no reason if they don’t want to hear from that person. So what do you actually need to do, you need to stop thinking about her. You need to stop thinking about what is she thinking about. And you say it yourself: You have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, you can’t focus on work anymore.
As I said: Myself, I almost did not press record with the video today. This must be very difficult, very stressful for you. And so you have to detach from the situation. Wait for her to reach out to you. You’ve started no contact. That is the first good step. Now you gotta keep it up. You need to learn to live without her. You need to learn that it’s okay that life goes on and maybe in the future in three months from now, six months from now, a year from now, maybe you can rekindle. Maybe she reaches out. Maybe you bump into each other and then she realizes “hey you seem like you have your shit together” and then she wants to get to know you again. Something like this.
And I know right now you actually even felt like you don’t want to live anymore but I think right now you went through something really good. You actually went through rock-bottom. Rock-bottom is always the worst place to be but it’s also the best because that’s where real change happens. You accepted that this is not working, you started no contact, so now you can start from scratch. So the first thing that you need to do is you need to stop thinking about her. How can you stop thinking about her? Obviously, you have to distract yourself but you should also make it easy for you. Don’t look at her social media. Don’t check out her posts. Her pictures that she posts. Don’t try to stalk her on messenger. Is she online? Did she read your message? Stuff like that. All of this stuff totally does not matter.
You would never do this with any of your friends or any random person that you care about. Even if you would be dating a new girl, you wouldn’t probably obsess over her online status or whatever story she posts on Instagram. So don’t do this with your ex. It doesn’t make sense. Instead, find things that you can do for yourself. How you can distract yourself? So as I said: You could, for example, leave a comment and let us know how do you feel? Let us know about your anxiety, your situation. You could watch some YouTube videos about something else, like a hobby or something like that. Something that you want to learn. Or you could watch more of my videos as long as you don’t obsess over your ex 24/7.
It’s about unleashing the king within and finding back to yourself and what makes you awesome! Because that is the man that your ex wants to be with and it seems to me that the main issue was lack of attention, or lack of communication. So it’s not like you were unhinged, insecure, or you had problems with work, or you were an alcoholic, or something like that. No, it was just that you for a moment took her for granted and didn’t know that you needed to pay more attention. This can definitely be fixed and your ex knows that once she gives it a little bit of thought. So all you have to do is keep being focused on yourself. Be happy. Become happy again. Because when she realizes that “Actually, maybe this breakup was premature. He can actually learn his lesson. He told me that he’s going to change his behavior and I think he can probably stop playing video games or play them less. Maybe I’ll give him another chance.”
So as long as you have your shit together, are happy again, so when she reaches out she’s not turned off, then everything is fine. That’s all you have to do. So here’s a challenge for you: When you stop watching this video or even right now, press pause… What I want you to do is write down on a pen and paper three ideas of what you could do. How you could keep yourself busy? What are some of the things that you feel like you don’t want to do that you’re scared of doing that you think you can do? So maybe your ego and your confidence are really at rock-bottom right now.
So let’s say, for example, maybe you like comedy. Maybe you’re like a stand-up comedy and you’ve always wanted to get deeper into it and maybe also go to an actual open mic and present there. Present some funny jokes. But you’ve never done it or never pursued it and this would be a great opportunity to do it right now, but you’re really scared to do it because you feel so insecure, you feel like nothing in your life is working out. So if you think that this is so hard and you don’t want to do it, then you should probably do it. The things that we’re most afraid of, the things that we most likely don’t want to do, these are the things that you have to focus on. So think of some ways how you can keep busy. What is it that you want to do for yourself?
So for example, what am I going to do after I’m done with recording this and then uploading it, editing all of that stuff, I’ll go crazy with Duolingo. I will be learning Indonesian because I can’t just keep on worrying about the Philippines. Screw it! I’m gonna do something productive! What is it that you’re gonna do that’s gonna help you? So that is how I’m going to leave you today. Let me know in the comments what you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and of course, never forget to unleash the king within.