Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about boundaries and what to do if a woman disrespects you. What if your girlfriend disrespects you. I have a situation from a guy who is in a relationship and I guess you could say they are having some mild problems. She’s not happy with something that he’s doing. They have a house together and his business is not working out as much as he’d like to. And she is basically criticizing him and he feels like she’s not respecting him. And so how do you respond to that? What do you do in a situation like this? So let’s jump right into his message and let’s see what I have to say about it.
Strained Relationship: Finding Common Ground In A Relationship & What To Do If She Disrespects You
Hey coach, cheers for all your relationship advice. I actually need your advice on the relationship that I’m in. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over five years and lately, the way our relationship is going is just not feeling like it’s the right thing. I am not saying that I don’t love her. Not at all. Rather, it’s the opposite. I really love her but in the last months our relationship has become more strained and I’ve noticed how she has become sort of disrespectful. Maybe it’s not the right way of phrasing it but that’s how I feel.
So it’s a good thing that you’re paying attention to this. Okay, first of all, it’s very normal that at some point there’s going to be conflict and there’s going to be moments in your relationship where your woman expresses something in a very critical way and you gotta hold her in check. You gotta tell her “The way that you’re expressing this to me, or what you need from me, I don’t like it this way.” Now, let’s be real: Every woman that you’re with has the right to tell you what she doesn’t like, but of course, you gotta tell each other the things that you don’t like about each other, the way how you act in the relationship, the way how you conduct yourself in your work-life balance, these kind of things, she has to tell you that without being offensive, without being too aggressive, without hurting your feelings, and if you don’t like it, then you set some ground rules of how you want to communicate. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t get to say “I don’t want us to do this,” for example. Let’s say you own a house and you’re still paying off the mortgage like this guy is gonna be in the situation that you can see, he has a mortgage, they have a mortgage, let’s say then you decide to buy a Tesla, or whatever, you don’t want to buy a car and she doesn’t want to because you still don’t have the money, and of course, she has to tell you that she doesn’t want that, but it is, of course, a matter of how does she tell you that?
So for example, “Hey I don’t think we have enough money for this right now, so we probably shouldn’t do this right now,” versus “What the fuck??? You’re always spending money and now you’re trying to spend money again while we haven’t even paid off our mortgage? What is wrong with you?!” Obviously, these two examples are vastly different. And look, it’s about figuring out what is the compromise here, right? So if you want the Tesla for whatever reason, it’s not like you’re in the wrong here. You want the tesla and if the money wouldn’t be an issue, then you would want it, right? Then you would buy it. Now, you know that you have to find a compromise if she doesn’t want it and you have to find a way that works for both of you. For example, in a situation like this, you could say “I understand how you feel. Thanks for expressing that to me. I want us to find a compromise.”
So for example, if you want that Tesla so desperately but she’s afraid with the money, then the compromise would be perhaps “Hey babe, I want to buy the Tesla. I know you don’t like this right now. I can understand this. I can hear you and thanks for telling me without being angry at me. Here’s what I want us to do. We can wait off on the Tesla, but I want us to set a little bit of money aside every month so that we can buy this Tesla, or that I can buy this Tesla.” So for example, instead of shelling out… How much is a Tesla? 40,000 dollars, 50,000 dollars… I don’t know. Instead of shelling out 50,000 dollars for a Tesla right away, you’re setting aside let’s say three hundred dollars every month, or maybe four hundred dollars. Whatever you can afford, that you know doesn’t break the bank every month to say “This month I saved 500“, and then in a year from now, you are going to have a lot more money to actually spend on that Tesla. And at the very least, now you have a timeline for when you’re going to buy that Tesla versus going in circles and having a fight all the time. Find a compromise, then if she can’t tell you these things without aggression, without being too critical, then you gotta, of course, hold her accountable. Or we’re gonna get into a more specific situation with you in a moment.
She Thinks I Work Too Much: When She Doesn’t Appreciate You & Doesn’t Agree With Your Decisions
My girlfriend is not extremely disrespectful as in I don’t know… Certainly no fucked up Amber Heard situation.
Yeah, if it would be a fucked up Amber Heard situation, you would just dump her. But fortunately, you say:
She’s not abusive, neither physically, nor verbally, and overall, we are a good couple, and work together, and try to listen to each other, but now she’s starting to become very critical of me and my work. She’s no longer appreciating what I’m doing for us. Just so you know: We have our own house and we’re still paying our mortgage, and yeah, we’re not married yet. I guess we’re a bit reverse as a couple, but whatever. We really trust each other and got it all sorted out through a legal agreement. Anyway, she’s saying that I’m not doing things right with my side business and that I should stop working so hard because it’s not working out the way I had planned. On one side I can totally understand what she’s saying. The issue I have with it is that she’s too aggressive and direct about it. I feel like she’s not respecting my feelings and how this makes me feel.
She could lighten the blow but she’s just very opinionated about it. She thinks I’m wasting my time and that it’s not good for us as a couple. I know that if things don’t work out, I have to pivot or stop my sidegig, if it’s not going anywhere, but I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to let it go. I’m not ready to call it quits or say I have to pivot. I want to keep it at it and I want her to support me, but whenever the topic comes up, we end up having a fight about it and it’s not helpful. I just feel disrespected by the woman who I’d want to be my support cushion, not the one who pulls me down and tells me I can’t get it done. I guess this is a normal thing in many relationships but I hope you can give me advice on what I should do. I want her to understand me and most importantly, I want to feel appreciated and respected. I’m doing this for us, after all, so that we can pay off our mortgage. Thanks a lot, bro, your channel is awesome.
Well, so first of all, thanks for appreciating my channel. Of course, first of all, let’s be real: She has some valid points here. So actually, I can kind of resonate with this. As I’m recording this video, this is currently something I’m doing as a batch recording. I’m currently recording two months up front and I’m about to move into a new house soon, so that I have a better recording environment. And I’m going to focus on my courses, so I get a lot of YouTube channel content done, and then focus on my courses because I realized that while the channel is great, I need to focus a lot more on the revenue generation with my products. And so I recognize okay let’s be real, bro, this is not really 100% working. I gotta pivot a little bit. Yes, the channel is working, and it’s actually growing faster than the average channel on YouTube is growing, probably growing faster than about eight months faster than the average channel…
So the channel is not doing badly. It’s not poorly, but it’s not good enough at least for my taste, or for my own goals, and so I’m being real with myself, and say this is not working out. I gotta find a bit of a compromise. Now, what am I doing with this compromise? I am pre-recording videos, right? Two months videos pre-recorded, so that I have time to focus on other priorities. I’m not dropping the YouTube channel. I’m just kind of re-shifting the priorities a little bit so that I can make multiple things work. That’s kind of similar how it is in a relationship. You have to make things work for yourself. And let’s be real, your ego, right? You don’t want to let go. You also have to make it work for her. So of course, she’s right to express these things and she probably has some validity, actually. She’s probably a little bit correct about this that it’s not going anywhere. Now, I understand that this is kind of hurtful and you want her to respect you. The thing is you can’t really change too much about that if it repeats. If you’re not making progress, she’s going to bring this up over, and over, and over.
Relationship Planning: How To Negotiate With Your Partner & How To Show Her Your Boundaries
What I would suggest to you is actually find a compromise that works for both of you, and what I mean with that is not necessarily one compromise that works for both, because let’s be real, that doesn’t always work. You want to make your business work. She doesn’t want you to make your business work, because she just thinks it’s hopeless, right? So you’ve probably been at it for a while and it’s probably accurate that you need to re-evaluate this and figure out something that is actually working. But the middle ground there is probably not going to work out because it sounds to me that you have a job, plus the sidegig, so what are you gonna do? Dedicate less time to it? That’s not gonna be working. Are you gonna just drop it? That’s not gonna be working. Either of these compromises are not really compromises for you. They work for her but they don’t work for you. So in a situation like this, when clearly, she’s not happy, you can’t really change anything about the fact that she’s not happy. So you gotta figure out what is a compromise that works for both of you? So instead of making one compromise that works for the both of you.
I would suggest to her “Babe, look, I understand you. I can hear you. I know that you don’t feel like this is working out, and our relationship is suffering from this. I can hear you but I still want to make this work. And I want you to support me, of course. I want you to be there for me and let me know that I can do this now. Right now, I feel like this is not the case. So I suggest we make a compromise: I want you to give me a little bit of space. I want us to set a deadline for the next six months, where you will let me do my thing, and if it doesn’t work out after six months, we will reevaluate. So for six months, please babe, just be supportive of me. I need you to be there for me so that I can make this work because whenever you encourage me, I feel like I can get this done. I feel like I can work more productive. I can work more effectively. And when you encourage me, I can find new ideas. I can find new motivation. So please, I need this from you.”
That in a way is okay. For six months she needs to say: All right, I’m gonna suck it up. We said six months. There is a deadline. That is okay. She should be okay with that. That is the part of the compromise that works for her, right. So she has to suck it up. She has to say fine, I’m going to be quiet about this for six more months. That is part one. Part two would be what can you actually do? Right, so this is what she can do. What is it that you can do? So after those six months, you can say “All right, after those six months, if it still hasn’t worked out and you basically have been patient, then we’re gonna have a second deadline, which is I’m going to change my approach. I’m going to try to figure out how can I work smarter, not harder. So after six months, if it didn’t work out and I’m so thankful for you to support me.”
For example, you’re going to work less, and on top of that, you’re not just going to work less and then get less done. You’re going to try to figure out a different approach that actually produces results, because if after six months this still didn’t work out, even though she has been sucking it up, quiet and not saying anything, despite the fact that… Let’s be real: You probably have been failing so far. Then you’re going to be real with yourself and say this has not been working. I’m changing my approach. So for example, my YouTube channel… It’s great. It is something that I keep, that I’m gonna keep going but it’s not the main thing that is going to move the needle. It’s like the 80/20 rule, right, so 20% of the effort produces 80% of the outcome. And I know for me, for example, I know it’s my courses that will produce that outcome. I will produce them once, then I figure out how the sales page works, and it’s gonna sell itself, and then the YouTube channel drives traffic to those pages, instead of the reverse, where I focus way too much on the channel, which just can’t work. Right, so you have to evaluate as well, how do you change this? And so if she can give you a little bit of more respect for a while, and then she doesn’t say anything at all, basically, that’s the loving thing to do. Just say “I will be understanding of you for a while. I know that you’re having a tough time,” … then if that didn’t work out, now you change your approach.
Another deadline. Let’s say another six months, and then basically, after one year, we have an understanding if after one year of two different compromises it didn’t work out, she knows okay now you’re going to make a real change. Either you’re gonna keep on working less and you can keep at it, and not make progress, and possibly be miserable, and that might still be a problem for her, but at least you’ve made a change, and she probably has more time again with you as a couple. But ultimately, based on your situation, it sounds to me that she doesn’t really want more time. She just wants to make sure that you can actually pay off the mortgage. And so if she doesn’t get any time with you, you’re wasting all the time you’re spending all the time on your sidegig, but it’s not producing any income, that’s a problem, because you even said it yourself: You have a legal agreement, right? So you are in this together. So maybe she’s paying something as well, or she just wants to make sure that there’s no financial trouble on the horizon.
So in a way, there are shared responsibilities here. She needs to respect you and understand that this is not so easy for you. It needs to be kind of understanding of your aspirations, of course. At the same time, you need to respect her. Let’s just say her desire for stability, which is once you paid off the mortgage, once you have the house, you are quite stable. Obviously, right now you don’t have to spend much money anymore, right? So you gotta… That’s also a compromise on your part. You need to understand her point of view as well. So it’s a bit of a give and take. As you said, she’s not like an Amber Heard. That’s pretty easy, I think. Most people are not like Amber Heard and most women are not like Amber Heard. She is reasonable, right, so I would suggest her this compromise that I said and if she’s reasonable, she’s gonna agree to this. Maybe the problem is that you have not tried to make any compromise at all. If you give her something that shows her you’re extending the olive branch to her, that shows that you’re willing to at least listen to her. Then I think she’s gonna be much more quiet and if she knows that after six months or let’s say, let’s say five four months, arbitrarily, and she knows she agreed to this, and now it’s your time to do your part, you know that’s fair.
That is how you express your boundaries and how you express “Look, I don’t want to hear criticism all the time. But of course, I understand that the criticism is valid. So here’s how we’re going to approach this criticism. And for a while I don’t want to hear this criticism. Give me a little bit more time to get this done. If I don’t get it done, then I’m going to change something again. You are free to criticize a little bit but tell me lovingly,” and I think she’s doing that for the most part. Of course, you don’t feel appreciated, so that is a bit about your ego, let’s be real. You’re not making the progress and that hurts, right? You want her to support you and the reality is she’s only going to want to support you if you make an actual compromise. And that feels unfair. And that’s exactly why I suggested okay first make the compromise where she has to suck it up first, she has to say okay I will be quiet about this for a while. So you can see there’s a good will on her part and only then do you have to do something and change something. So I think that is a really fair approach. So that is my advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
