Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about what about getting an ex back if she’s kind of toxic? Should you actually get back together with her? Of course, the answer is no, but I wanna go through a really long message from a guy who basically didn’t do the right things. He dated the wrong woman. He made some bad choices himself as well. And this woman is just a clear example of a kind of woman that you shouldn’t be dating and it’s a lesson learned. It’s probably one of the longest videos I’ve ever made. Please in general, don’t send me that long of a message. I typically wouldn’t make a video that is that long, but I just think that his entire story is just a treasure trove of things not to do and I’m gonna give him my advice.
Dating A Cheating Narcissist: My Ex Was A Serial Cheater And She Used Me To Cheat On Her Boyfriend
My ex and I were together for one year and four months and lived together. We met at work and she was in a relationship of three years when we had our first date and I knew it. She told me that she didn’t like her relationship anymore and was very attracted to me. After the first two to three dates and after we had sex, she decided to leave him for me. At first, I was a little confused and I thought I was only a rebound relationship to her, but then I changed my mind and we had a good relationship for one year before living together. There were some red flags that I didn’t see back then.
Well, you basically helped her to cheat and you’re actually gonna talk about this later on. So at that point, you should have already known this woman has no loyalty, this woman has no integrity and she basically already lined up the replacement, not just lined up the replacement, she already had sex with the replacement, you, while she was still in a relationship. Why would you wanna be with a woman like this? That’s the point when you should have seen that there’s gonna be lots of trouble on the horizon. And at this point, without reading anything else of your message, if I wouldn’t have read your message already, I could already tell you, don’t get back with this woman. This is just a terrible setup. You made a mistake by dating this woman and look, you can’t undo that now, but you should reflect on that and never do something like this ever again, of course. I hope that is clear. And you just gotta move forward and find a better woman.
My Ex Love Bombed Me: She Gave Me Gifts And The Relationship Was Moving Too Fast
She bought me a very expensive bag for my birthday after only one month of our relationship. She gave me a lot of gifts and introduced me to her family very soon. Now I know why.
Yeah, what does that sound like? That sounds like pure narcissism. This is called idolization. She sends you gifts, she gives you an expensive bag, she wants to introduce you to the family really quickly. Basically, everything about you is perfect. But the truth is a woman is going to need her time. I actually read an interesting study recently, what was the number? Women take about five and a half months or so to actually tell a man that they love him. And men actually do it faster. So if it happened so fast, that is a red flag, and you should just run away as quickly as you can. That’s kind of a narcissistic sign. And the fact that she’s basically been monkey branching, holding onto her ex while already fucking you. It’s not a good sign. So already now I have my doubts that you could ever get back with her because she’s not a healthy woman. She’s not just unhealthy, she is most likely narcissistic. So that’s something to consider.
Cheating Ex Still Talks To Her Ex: Dating A Cheater Girlfriend Will Only Drive You Crazy
But at the time I thought everything was really nice. She was also very jealous with my girl friends. But when I said to her that I didn’t like that her ex kept texting her and begging, she was saying to me that she cared about him and that she didn’t want to be too rude to him.
Nope, that is again, she’s hoovering. It’s another narcissism tactic. Basically, she probably does this with every ex. She cheats, then she moves on. The ex feels like shit. Now she’s fucking you. Eventually, she leaves again or you leave. It doesn’t matter. Doesn’t really matter in a narcissistic relationship who leaves. If you find the balls to leave or she just discards you and throws you away like trash. The bottom line is she’s gonna try to recycle you over and over again. And clearly, she’s doing this with her ex. So she kept texting her ex because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That is not the truth at all. She kept on texting her ex because he was a backup. She just repeats that same shit cycle over and over. And we’re gonna go through your message, you’re gonna say that you’re not actually sure if she actually possibly cheated on you. So, patterns with narcissistic people repeat all the time and with a woman like this you can never make no contact work.
Her ex kept texting her every two to three months, even after eight to nine months of our relationship. He didn’t know a lot about no contact lol. And I didn’t want to look jealous and I had a good self-esteem and I knew that I couldn’t force her to block her ex.
Well, she didn’t wanna block her ex. And her ex, well, might’ve heard about no contact quite frankly. I think the thing that he didn’t know about was narcissism. And if you don’t know about narcissism, it doesn’t really matter if you do no contact or not because she, I can guarantee you, she probably talked to him relatively often. Yes, I know he probably messaged her as well because he really missed her. Basically the same thing. She dumped him like trash. So of course he wants her back. So of course he messages her. And so that’s kind of normal. And so in a way, he was stuck in the cycle because this woman just treated him like shit. And that’s what’s waiting for you if you don’t push her away, basically.
My Ex Always Kept Me A Secret: When She’s Keeping You A Secret For Potential Men To Cheat With
Anyway, she never posted pictures of the IG feed with me. She said that it was too soon, even after one year she never posted IG stories of us.
Another red flag. Well, yeah, how does that work? How can she introduce you to the family really quickly but not post on her IG stories? Why does she not post on the IG stories? Because that doesn’t look good for, you know, if she has to cheat again, if she wants to find someone else, if she wants to monkey branch, having the boyfriend on the Instagram makes it a little bit harder. Now in your case, you basically didn’t care I assume, or you know, you just cared about her more than caring about the fact that she has a boyfriend. And you know, there are other guys who might actually care about this quite a lot. They will see, look, this girl has a boyfriend and oops, she’s cheating and nah, I’m outta here.
I actually saw a woman on Tinder like two days ago and she has a boyfriend. Nope, she was really hot, but I was like, nah, doesn’t matter. Even if it’s an open relationship, I’m not gonna take that risk. And you shouldn’t take this kind of risk again in the future as well. A woman like this is never gonna change and clearly, she doesn’t want other people to see that you’re the boyfriend. Maybe she doesn’t feel proud of you but at the very least she doesn’t wanna be found out to be a cheater. Because ultimately for a woman like this, it’s all about her image. That’s the only thing that matters to her.
When The Cheater Loses Interest: She Started Becoming More Distant With Me Over Time
Anyway, we had a great summer together. We went to her family on holiday and then we decided to live in my house together because I lived near her office where she works. Then problems started from September to January. She was very, very off and tired and moody very often.
So clearly the narcissist is realizing that you’re not good enough. So now she’s basically going to not give you what you want. She might get moody, she might blame you for a lot of things, she might criticize you a lot. She might withdraw a lot of affection. Basically, she already at this point was likely done with the relationship. When you say that she was off, that really means that she was basically done and she just wanted to already probably find a replacement because women like this can’t be loyal. Something about you is just not right. But it’s not about you, it’s about her. She just can’t accept that people have imperfections. And so that’s why she starts to feel turned off and she starts to act weird. And over time it gets worse until she dumps you, discards you like the last guy. Codependent relationship
Me too, because I felt like my energy was being sucked and there were all these signs. I think it was a codependent relationship. She never wanted to go out and have a walk. We always planned to do a lot of travel together to fill the weekends. We had less and less sex. She also stopped taking the pill and we used condoms out of the blue.
So you were actually right that this was a codependent relationship. Narcissistic people actually typically date codependent people. Why? Because codependent people don’t know how to speak up. They lack boundaries. They can’t say, “Stop, this is not okay.” So for example, she’s being moody, she’s being off. Something isn’t right anymore. Now there’s also the thing with the pill. Why? What is the reason? Some of you might think maybe it’s her age, but no, it’s not her age. I didn’t mention the age here. I cut it out of the video, but I think she was 27, if I remember correctly, relatively young.
So it can be mood swings due to her age. And so basically what’s going on is she’s shifting the dynamic. She’s trying to figure out, “Okay, how far can I take this? How many bad things can I do in the relationship and still keep him?” And that is actually kind of messed up, but it’s a part of the narcissist thought process, they basically think, “Okay, how much does this person suck? So, okay, I don’t respect this person anymore. Now I’m gonna slowly find another person, but I’m gonna keep them hanging on just by a thread. And eventually, I’m gonna dump them out of nowhere. And they’re gonna be so disappointed and so unhappy and so heartbroken.” That’s how they do it.
Hoping A Toxic Ex Girlfriend Will Change: No Matter How Much You Hope She’ ll Change It’ll Never Happen
In that moment, I agreed with everything she said. I was not submissive, but I didn’t argue a lot because I thought that it’s the living together. We will fix it during our relationship. I know my mistakes and I already talked about it with a self-improvement coach.
Right, so you were hoping that it’s gonna fix itself because you’re a couple, you’re gonna work through it, you can talk about it, and it’s gonna get better. And that is the right assumption. With a healthy woman, even if you have disagreements, even if you can’t agree on certain things like the pill, for example, over time, you’re gonna talk about this and you’re gonna resolve your problems. But with a woman like this, she doesn’t really give a shit, honestly. She just wants to have her own way and you don’t really matter to her. You’re just basically a disposable object that will be thrown out of the trash, out of the window at some point. And so she doesn’t really wanna make anything work.
I had and maybe have a lot of people-pleasing behavior with her because I didn’t want to fail the relationship. I didn’t set my boundaries and I felt the pressure of her living in my house.
Yeah, so that was clearly the lesson learned. Never try to please a woman. If you have to try so hard with a woman, then it’s just not meant to be. Of course, to some extent, we always have to please our partner, but we gotta please each other. It can’t just be one-way street. It has to be a two-way street. She has to please you, you please her. If the woman you’re with can’t do that, doesn’t matter if she’s narcissistic or she just generally has some issues with insecurity, attachments, communication, then you just gotta walk away.
I Could Feel She Was About To Break Up: Never Ignore The Warning Signs With A Toxic Woman
So now to our breakup. After two months of not having sex, well, we tried one time, but I was very, very tired and I felt so forced to it that I couldn’t do it. And after her having skin problems, she was colder and more and more disrespectful. She said to me that her job was shit. She wanted to change city to go to her family and she cried often during work. In those moments, I never thought that the problem was the relationship. I did everything to support her. I knew there were some problems and like a dog and an earthquake, I knew that the breakup was coming. I am an empath, like all the people pleasers, I think.
Yeah, that’s actually a relatively fair assumption. So people pleasers, yes, because people pleasers, they think a lot about themselves and if they’re doing the right thing. And so that’s codependence, right? Am I good enough? Am I doing things right? So you probably gave too many fucks about her and maybe probably also give too many fucks about other people in general. And so that’s the perfect breeding ground for narcissistic people to abuse these kind of people because they think, am I doing things right?
And you always wanna do everything right. And then they can tell that they can push you around and so of course they try to see how far can they push it. So that’s the right assumption. People pleasers tend to date narcissistic people. It’s really unfortunate because like you said, you’re an empath and she was awful, but you couldn’t see it. And it’s because of all of the deception, like for example, the gifts and all that stuff that makes you feel so good. So you think this woman is great and you’re only gonna see later on that things are pretty bad.
She Came Home Late At Night: She Cheated On Me & Became Defensive When I Asked Her Where She Was
The night before the breakup, she went to have dinner with her colleagues but she came home super late.
And these are basically not colleagues, most likely that is now the monkey branching. So what’s going on is, okay, she’s not happy anymore. So let’s start cheating again. Let’s meet some other guys and most likely she’s doing the same thing that she did with you. She’s probably having sex with some other guy. It’s just a pattern, they can help themselves. That’s just who they are. She probably never went to have dinner with her friends.
That night I realized that she’s going to dump me. I cried and I had a moment of meditation and letting go. I didn’t tell her anything because I didn’t want to look crazy. I didn’t have any clue what she really did that night. The day after she came back home very late for dinner, I asked her why she was late and that I was worried because she didn’t send me a text. She went batshit crazy. I told her that I don’t care what she does, but only to let me know when she thinks to come back home for dinner.
That’s very reasonable and at that point, you should have basically very clearly stated already, this is not okay. And look, if this happens more than twice, you have to have clear boundaries or say, look, this is not working. I mean, either you stop doing this or we can’t be a couple. That’s what kings do. Clear rules for a healthy relationship. And so now clearly you can see she’s repeating this monkey branching. So she probably fucked this guy already once, then she comes home late again, maybe she sees this guy again. And look, there’s no guarantee that this happened, but I’m just looking at the patterns and it’s most likely that it happened.
Cheating Ex Can’t Decide What She Wants: When She Doesn’t Value You She’ll Make Excuses & Break Up
We talked about going to her sister for her nephew’s birthday, and then she told me she was confused and she didn’t feel attracted to me anymore. In that moment, I realized everything. I didn’t beg and plead. I stayed very calm and I was still calm the more she started crying. She said that it was not my fault and I was a perfect man, but she was confused. I said to her to stay calm, breathe, and that I was going to sleep at my brother’s. She continued crying because she didn’t want that I left my house, but I knew it was the only way. She is very alone in our city. I have three homes and my family here. So I told her to sleep and relax. She said that she wanted to sleep next to me.
So you see, it’s all over the place. She wants to break up, but then she starts crying. Now she’s the victim, but then you leave and she realizes, oh shit, he doesn’t actually care. And now she wants to sleep next to you. So what the fuck is it? Make up your mind, right? So again, this could also happen with a healthy woman, but because I see all of these patterns, I’m just assuming this is just full of shit and she doesn’t really mean any of that.
I said that I would take a plane to go to my family in the South. She got sadder and sadder. She was sorry and I think ashamed. I was broken inside, but I was holding on. The next day I said that I bought a ticket for the plane and I decided to start no contact.
So first of all, I wanna say actually, okay. So the way that you started the relationship obviously was pretty bad. You shouldn’t have dated this woman in the first place because of the whole cheating thing. But the way that it ended, that was just done right. You stayed calm. You already realized, you said it, that you were crying at a moment of weakness. You meditated, you realized, okay, this is over. And you didn’t fight it. You didn’t beg, you didn’t plead. You just went no contact. And I assume you did it for yourself not to get her back. So that’s the right approach. So good job for staying in your center and not going crazy over her because it would have been very easy to go crazy over a woman like this because it’s just very dramatic and the way everything is ending is just very painful.
No Contact After The Breakup: When You Handle The Breakup Like A Man And Don’t Chase A Toxic Ex
She was very crazy and asked me why I was so distant with her and didn’t want to speak with her. I told her to leave me alone in a calm way. I also needed my time to think and rest because I suffered a lot. She said that she didn’t know I was suffering too and that we should have talked about it. I said to her that it was also my mistake. I said to her to take her time to decide.
So again, she can tell all of a sudden, oops, you don’t really care that much. So it doesn’t impact you that much. You actually have your shit together. So now she’s realizing “Hmm, if I actually break up now, he might disappear.” And this is what narcissists always do. They try to keep their partners from moving on. But now you’re showing that you are relatively confident. Okay, you had some codependency issues but you’re handling this quite well. And you’re like, okay, I guess this is over. You can think for yourself what you want if you wanna make it work. If not, then that’s fine. And you’re leaving her place. I mean, it’s your place and you’re leaving to your family. So you’re just accepting the way it is.
That’s kind of scary to her because she knows, okay, you could be gone in a month from now because you accept the situation and it’s over for you. So again, you can see that she’s all over the place and it’s very confusing. Like what the fuck does she actually want? And she can’t really tell you what she really wants because if she does, which is not be with you, only basically use you when it’s convenient for her, then you’re not gonna stick around. So something to consider.
Toxic Ex Girlfriend Cold And Distant: When Your Ex Makes Contact But Seems Very Distant
After two weeks of no contact in a different city, she texted me all the time to ask me how I feel, if I was okay. And she let me know about my cats, but she was very cold anyway. She called me and my mother to talk to me. I didn’t reply. She insisted and then during the call, she was very, very cold. I also told her why she kept calling me. She had nothing to say.
Exactly, you’re quite right. Again, it’s all over the place. She tells you one thing, but she does the other. She says one thing, but it clearly shows something else. So it’s very incongruent. You know that there’s something that’s wrong. You know that she’s not telling the truth basically. And so you’re even calling her out on this. So I hope by now you already know that you should never get back with this woman ever again, just because she just can’t say clearly what’s on her mind.
Even if she’s not a narcissist, but she clearly can’t just say, look, this is how I feel, this is what I want and express what she really wants. She tells you one thing and then she’s really cold. She seems like she’s interested or else she messages you, right? Like as if she misses you, but then she gets so cold. So I mean, which one is it? Make up your mind. But she doesn’t wanna make up her mind. She doesn’t want to lose you right now because she didn’t realize that this would be quite hard without you. Maybe she hasn’t set up the replacement yet. Maybe the replacement disappeared. So she needs some time to basically be happy again. She is hooking up with a new guy
Cheating Ex Girlfriend Already Has A New Guy: When Nothing Changes With Your Ex Girlfriend
A friend of mine that lives near my house told me that every night her car was not in our parking spot. I suppose she went to another guy or her ex. I don’t really know. After two weeks, I came back home. She asked me if we could meet.
So yeah, most likely, basically she has been hooking up with a new guy. I mean, what kind of person can just do that? Right after a breakup to hook up really quickly, it’s just not the right way to go. Especially if she’s basically been begging or chasing you and she’s been trying to make this work in a way, right? Very ambiguous and she’s been giving you some signals, but then she’s also fucking some new guys. So I mean, a healthy person couldn’t do that. A healthy person would either try to get you back or she would move on. But this is just fucking bullshit. As we see here:
Getting Back With A Cheating Ex Girlfriend: When She Wants You Back But You Start To Move On
After two weeks, I came back home. She asked me if we could meet. I went home when she was at work and I got all my stuff and my cats and I moved everything to my other house because it felt she hadn’t really changed her mind.
So you could basically tell that she was full of shit and that nothing really changed within her.
We met and talked. I was very calm after such a long time. During this period, I read a lot about no contact breakups and had a phone call with my self-improvement coach. I jokingly said, so how was the holiday? And she was very sick, told me her work is shit. Her skin problem is a mess and everything is going wrong. I let her speak and remain calm. After a while, she said to me that she still feels the same, no attraction.
So then why would she wanna meet up with you? Like she has no attraction for you, but she wants to meet up with you? Well, why? Because she feels like shit. She didn’t expect that life would be hard without you. And you know, so she kinda wants to meet up, but she’s not attracted to you. She doesn’t actually want you back. She just wants to make sure that you don’t move on.
I said to her, that’s okay, but she had to leave my house. She started telling me that she needs time to find another house that maybe her dream to come to her family in a different city can become true and asked me if I could wait another two to three weeks. I stood up and said to her to stop bullshitting me and to stop talking about all these nonsense excuses. I was not angry, but for the first time, I was setting boundaries.
Nice job. If you would have done this in the first place, you probably would have told relatively fast that there’s something wrong because narcissists freaking hate boundaries. They just wanna punch through them, or more likely they wanna make sure that you don’t have any at all, or if they’re very low, that they can just very easily break them. But slowly you’re realizing this is just a pattern of repeated bullshit that never improves. That’s why you said she never changed and now you’ve had enough. And you know, she’s constantly trying to portray herself as the victim, but she’s not the victim in this situation at all. The truth is, if you look at the perspective of who has been hurt, it’s really you who has been hurt. So you are the victim, but never make yourself a victim. Don’t do what she’s doing to try to paint herself as the victim who has been wronged. Doesn’t matter who has been wronged. The bottom line is you’re not working out anymore, so move on. She started crying
Cheating Ex Girlfriend Regret: When The Cheater Realizes Her Mistake And Becomes Desperate
She became more and more emotional and started crying a lot. She started saying that she is a mess, that everything she’s doing is wrong. I hugged her and we stayed on the sofa. I kept hugging her and was very close to her because she seemed devastated. We also kissed two times. I said to her that she could have a good life if she wants, and that everything will be okay, and that she will find someone that loves her if she wants. And I said that moving to another city is not always the solution if the problem is inside. She said to me that she is a mess, and that moment I think she really opened her emotions. Also, I didn’t cry, didn’t beg or plead. I gave her the breakup and pushed her away a bit.
Look, in a normal scenario, this would be perfect. You think that you’re reconnecting, but since there’s so many negative red flags here, I don’t think this is a good thing at all. I think you recognize quite well that you just can’t run away from your problems, so she just wants to move to another city. And why does she want to do that? Because she doesn’t want to confront her problems. That’s what narcissistic people do.
They hate confronting their problems. They would rather run away. They would rather come up with excuses. You said it yourself, stop giving me bullshit excuses. That’s what they do. They run away. They have shit excuses because they don’t want to take accountability. They don’t want to take any responsibility for their actions. And you know that this is not going to work out. The way that she’s living her life is not the right way. And so you’re the smart one in this situation, and you’re handling this quite well. No begging, no pleading, even though you kissed, even though you hugged, you got your shit together. So dude, great job!
She’s Toxic But I Love Her: Not Being With My Ex Is Touch But I’m Trying To Stay Strong
She left my house after a week and a half. We texted only about logistics of the house and keys, and I started indefinite official no contact. A month has passed. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes I’m also very devastated. It’s very difficult. I’m on my way right now, and I’m improving, but it’s very hard. I don’t know how she feels, where she is and with whom. I didn’t unfollow her on social media, but I don’t want to see her photos. She also blocked her IG stories for me. On another note, when we met the second time, she asked me why I was so calm. I told her that I realized a lot about our relationship and I know my mistakes. I said to her that I was pleasing her too much, and sometimes I was afraid to tell her the truth.
So dude, it’s normal to feel bad after a breakup, especially with a woman like this. You’re handling it very well. There’s going to be ups and downs, ebbs and flows like the waves. Sometimes they’re there, sometimes not. Sometimes the grief is going to be there. Sometimes the wave comes crashing in the grief and it’s going to hurt a lot. And then other days, there is basically low season. There’s no season, no surfing season, no waves, no grief. Everything is going to be fine. So just give it some more time. I think you’ve been doing quite well. Keep on staying focused on yourself, not her. You’ve been doing no contact exactly right. If she would be a healthy woman, this is how I would do no contact, no chasing, no begging, no pleading. And that’s more for you than it is for her. So you’ve been doing everything right for yourself. So good job. Just keep it up. And so I actually gave him some really quick feedback before I made this video because it was such a long message. So basically he then replied to one of my message and he said the following.
No Contact With A Toxic Ex: When Your Narcissist Ex Girlfriend Reaches Out Let Her Go
Thank you very much. My ex replied Yes, after the breakup and reading about narcissistic behavior, I understood a lot of things. It hurts like hell, but I have to set boundaries for myself and never come back to a relationship like this one. It’s hurtful because her family is very nice and her parents too. But I have a question. What do I do if she reaches out?
Well, the thing is, if she reaches out, I don’t think you should do anything because most likely she’s going to be all over the place again. Look, there’s a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that she’s not narcissistic, but there’s been so many red flags. You could theoretically try it out one more time. And then if she’s all over the place again, if there’s basically no congruence, if she says one thing, you know, she wants to meet up but there’s no attraction, for example, or she has some kind of problem again that basically holds you back from getting back together, then I would let it go. But truthfully, I would not even try that with her because it’s just going to be bringing you a world of pain really. And the second thing that you then also added to your message was: “I feel very guilty to help her cheat on her boyfriend. And maybe the same thing happened to me.”
So dude, you feel really guilty and that is important that you feel guilty. You hopefully know that you’re never going to do this ever again, just don’t do it, man. Find a decent woman who would never cheat on her boyfriend. It’s also about you because I don’t think that you are a cheater by default, but let’s say you would be very unhappy in a relationship. The fact that you did this with her, you might think, “Okay, you know what? It’s fine if I do the same thing.” And you yourself are afraid that the same thing happened to you. So this should be a lesson for you. Obviously, you can’t beat yourself up about this forever.
Look, it was a mistake that hopefully you will never ever make, and we all have to learn some pretty damn big mistakes in our life, and that’s just how it is. You know, if you always look at the woke bullshit on the Internet, people are always so butthurt about people making mistakes and then actually realizing, “Oh yeah, I shouldn’t have said that.” What was it like? Joe Rogen said the N-word or whatever. People are always upset about people making mistakes, but that’s how we learn and grow. And I think you are the kind of person who’s willing to accept his mistakes and you’re willing to grow. So look, you made a mistake with the cheating thing, so move on from it, you’ve learned from it, never do it ever again, and that’s all you can do. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over this forever. Dude, look, it’s in the past, move forward. So that is my advice for you. Maybe it was a quite long video. Thanks so much for watching. Let me know in the comments below what you think about this. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
