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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video I’ll talk about whether you should be ignoring an ex during contact, especially when you have just barely been broken up and there hasn’t been too much time yet since the breakup. I’ll talk about what to do if she reaches out, but you actually want to send a clear message that you don’t accept being in the friend zone, or that you don’t want to be the backup who she can message every now and then for comfort. The guy in today’s video is in that situation or at least he thinks he is. Perhaps he’s not? Well, let’s see.
Reason For Giving Your Ex Space: Give Your Ex Girlfriend Time To Miss You And Forgive You
Hi coach, I need your suggestion about my current breakup and no contact situation with my ex. I’m currently following the no contact rule as strictly as I can because I pushed my ex away during our breakup and I don’t want to make things worse with her. I have been begging too much after our breakup, however, even though I think I went really overboard with it, at least I stopped begging after two weeks of trying to talk with her about us.
Good. So the fact that he’s been stopping and that he stopped begging after two weeks, pretty good. So I think one thing that a lot of guys overestimate is how much they’ve been begging. Yes, obviously begging really like crazy is terrible, but in my experience woman almost always forget it. And there’s a lot of psychology behind that. I talk about this in my course. You can get my course if you want to get all of the psychology behind it. But most of the time women just couldn’t really remember it.
Quite frankly, that’s actually how human memory works. There are certain things, especially negative things, that we tend to forget, not just forget, but they kind of move further away into the past and positive things tend to move closer to us. So there’s a lot of psychology why typically when you’ve been begging like crazy and maybe you also had a bad breakup and so on, it sounds really terrible. And in the beginning, yes, it is terrible. And probably because of that, your ex is probably running off to another man, a rebound and stuff like that. But there are a lot of reasons why it doesn’t matter so much if you do no contact properly. So kudos for stopping to beg relatively quickly. You got your act together and you basically practiced some self-control. That’s really good. So everybody who’s watching this: Follow his lead. Essentially, that’s the right thing to do.
Friend Zone After Breakup: When Your Ex Girlfriend Wants To Be Friends Or “Wait And See”
Eventually, we had a conversation, which mostly was just a quick chat where she told me that she thinks we need some space. She said back then that we could see if we could be friends again in the future or see if we can get back together. Things are better between us. But fortunately, by that time, I had already started watching some no contact advice. I told her that I don’t think I could just be friends. This was the first time since the breakup that I hadn’t been messing it up. And she basically told me that she understood and thinks that my decision was for the best.
Well, so clearly, when your ex does something like “we should be friends or maybe we can make it work out in the future. Let’s cross the bridge when we get there.” I’m not really sure yet about it. Typically, what they’re really saying is, “Hell, no, there’s no way!” They just don’t want to hurt their feelings. They just want to get out of the situation and they will say whatever it takes to get out of that situation. They know if they give you some false hope, they can just run away and they can probably hook up. They can live their life, live happily ever after, do whatever they think will make them happy. Often it will not make them happy. And they think basically there’s no consequence for that. And that’s why we do no contact. We need to show them: No, actually, there are some consequences. And, you can’t just dump me and then say, yeah, maybe we can be friends forever.
No, if she actually runs off, then you’re not going to talk to her. She’s got to have to miss you. And eventually, she will have to see the consequence of that and really think “Shit man! Shit girl!” Whatever she thinks. “Shit man, shit girl. I miss him. And if I don’t do something really soon, he’s probably going to be dating someone else or he will have moved on.” And now she’s going to be afraid of it. So she was just bullshitting you and you’ve done the right thing. You told her, no, I can’t do that. And when she said I think the decision is for the best, she was probably happy about that in that moment. But then as you do no contact, eventually, they realize that decision was probably not for the best. So good so far, let’s see where it goes.
Her Excuse To Reach Out: When Your Ex Girlfriend Asks For Help With Mundane Things
This has been almost two months ago, but now my ex has messaged me twice already. The first time she asked me about where I buy my meat online, I have this online delivery service where I get all my protein stuff, steak, chicken, salmon, etc. It’s a really high-quality delivery service and only the best meat, which is hard to get in Thailand. Greetings across the pond, by the way.
Greetings! Good sign! That’s true, actually. So it is true that not just in Thailand, actually all over Asia, typically, meat is expensive and it’s hard to get high-quality meat. For example, if you try to get a good shawarma that you can get in Europe, very hard to find that one in Asia. So, is she just a… does she really need the high-quality meat? Does she need to message you about that? Probably not, but let’s see what you say. She says…
I felt like it was a really silly reason to message me. She could just search for a similar service, I guess, or ask around, but I didn’t want to assume that she really wanted to talk to me. It’s hard to draw the line and interpret whether an ex is really into you. Not sure what you think about that one.
Well, so you live in South East Asia, basically, right? You live in Thailand. This might not apply for everybody. I understand this advice might not apply for everybody, but especially in Asia. It’s like everybody knows everybody. It’s so relationship-driven in Asia. So it’s a little bit different from the West where we are a little bit more individualistic. So especially if you live in a country where people are very warm and they have a lot of connections, and they socialize a lot, and all that stuff, your ex could just ask so many people, right? But my social network in the Philippines was crazy. So huge! And if I’d need something, I could ask hundreds of people for it. There’s someone in my circle of friends who knows. So your ex could clearly just message someone. If you live in Thailand, I don’t know where you live, but you probably live in the bigger cities, maybe, probably Bangkok, or maybe Chiang Mai. Yeah, come on. She probably could find someone to figure out where to get some meat at! Typically in Asia, if it’s high-quality meat, just ask one of your rich friends and they will know – problem solved!
Ex Keeps Texting During No Contact: Should You Respond To Your Ex’s Text Or Make Her Miss You?
Anyway, yesterday she messaged me again. This time she just wanted to know how our dog is doing. We had a dog together and yeah, by the way, I make more money than she does. So that’s also why I got to keep him. It was financially more viable for me to take care of him. The problem is, I don’t know how to respond to her reaching out. Do I, in quotes, ignore her questions, when she reaches out to me? I feel like it leads to nowhere if I allow her to get close to me. I think she is trying to friend zone me and I don’t want to make any mistakes while we’re essentially in no contact.
Well, when an ex reaches out to you, you gotta first see if she actually want to friendzone you? She might just be trying to see, where does this go? Obviously, the dog might mean something to her. She might really miss your dog. But if your ex reaches out to you… She has NO reason to reach out to you. Your ex basically was done with you. Think about it! If you… I’ll give you an example. When I was in the Philippines, I had this really shit boss. I think it was my first job. He was the worst narcissist ever. He was just fucking awful. When I was out of that company, I was so happy. I never thought back about that ever. Like I’ve never in my wildest dreams thought about, I gotta try again with my boss. Like “Hey, I want the job back!” No. With an ex, it’s the same thing.
Why would she message you if it was all so bad and she really hates you and she doesn’t care about you anymore? So when an ex reaches out to you, it clearly means something most of the time. There are some slight scenarios sometimes where it is really just that she needs something and she’s kind of egotistic and she just doesn’t care about your feelings. But if you’re dating a good woman, most of the time, or if you’ve been dating a good woman, most of the time, that’s just an excuse and she’s trying to figure out, she wants to initiate a conversation, basically. And so you need to kind of assess this over time. You have to actually invite her into your world. If she asks about the puppy, then she can check out the puppy. You can go for a walk together. Now, obviously, then you have the danger that you get down into the friend zone route. But we gotta assess that first. If you just ignore her, then you don’t get the chance to actually see what does she really want.
Clearly, of course, if she just wants to get all the comfort and all that stuff and she just wants to have you in her life, get all the benefits that she had in the relationship, but at the same time, fuck some other guy, you gotta assess that relatively quickly and then pull back again. But if you don’t give her a chance to actually explore if she wants to get back together, then how can you actually ever even figure out whether or not she wants to friend zone you? So that’s something really important. So that’s why I would say I would never really ignore an ex if you want to get her back. You know, you always gotta see where can you take it. It’s the same thing with dating, right? Like, if you go out on a date with a woman, you don’t just go on a date for the sake of “you are on date.” There’s a goal, right? The goal is to seduce her. If you’re actually doing the same thing, your goal is to re-seduce her, to rekindle, to fix the problem, to talk about the problem, to get her to open up, to open up emotionally to you so that she wants to get back with you.
And if you’re not actually trying that because clearly, to some extent, most likely no contact is actually having some effects here, then yeah, you’re not gonna get anywhere. So I think you are actually on the right track, but I wouldn’t see this as, it’s been too soon, or wait, shouldn’t I still ignore her? Or like I didn’t want to be in the friend zone, this kind of stuff. You gotta draw the line somewhere. You gotta try out how far can you actually get there? How far can you get with her? So if she actually reaches out to you, you gotta see, okay, can you meet up? Can you talk with her? Can you have a dinner date? Something like that. And if it doesn’t go anywhere, then after a really short time, after one, two, three weeks, if you can tell this is not going anywhere, then you pull back again and you make it clear: Yeah, this is not for me. And then you can slowly become a little bit more cold. But anyways, let’s continue what you say.
Don’t Ignore Your Ex: Test Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Attraction Level & Pull Back Again If Necessary
I said my piece and I do not want to come off as incongruent. I want to stick to what I said and show her my strength. I said that I wanted to work things out, but I think she is trying to get attention from me without trying to address the problem. She hasn’t mentioned anything about the relationship or the breakup. So it does not look to me that she wants to actually talk about it like I wanted to. So I’m not sure to which degree I should act cold towards her when she gets in touch with me. Should I make her miss me some more? What do I say to her when she asks me these things? The first time she messaged me was probably just an excuse about her dog, that one I can understand. We both love him and I understand that she wants to know how he’s doing. I’m sure she really misses him. But anyway, it’s tough. I don’t know how to navigate the field. I would be so thankful to hear your thoughts. Cheers.
Well, it is good that you want to show your strength and that you’re keeping your strength and especially that you don’t want to seem incongruent. That is really good. But you can be quite stoic with an ex. Like I said, you can meet up with her or you can talk with her about the dog, for example, and you don’t give her too much bait. She basically just wants to see if she can still have you back, if she can still get validation, if you’re still chasing her, if you’re still crazy about her. If she messages you and you’re having a good conversation and it doesn’t affect you too much. And then if you’re having that conversation, after the conversation, for example, it’s not you who’s reaching out again. You’re letting her come to you. You’re not affected by her being away from you with the space. She will realize that she’s got to do something. She’s got to message you again. And the thing, of course, is then you got to see, okay, can you invite her out? Can you find a way to go on a date and then escalate? If you can’t get there, then of course, you pull away.
It’s the same thing again with dating. If you’re talking to a girl and you barely know her, maybe you’ve added her on a dating app, but you’ve added her on a messenger after you’ve matched on a dating app. If you don’t get anywhere yet, or you’re kind of like, in quotes, platonic, where you haven’t had the chance to meet up because maybe you don’t live in the same place or something like that, you’re not going to go crazy and message her all the time or become desperate, right? You message whenever it fits. And when she messages you, then you flirt with her, you make some jokes, and then eventually if maybe you get the chance to meet up, you meet up, but you don’t become like a simp, basically, right? With an ex, you also don’t want to become a simp. So you can talk to your ex when she reaches out to you, and you just don’t have to simp. You just do not simp. That’s all you got to do. Now, the second thing that you actually said here was, let me just scroll down. You said to which degree do I act cold? Do I make her miss me some more? And then she hasn’t talked about the relationship, right? She hasn’t talked about the problem. She hasn’t addressed the elephant in the room.
The problem is a woman will never address the elephant in the room after a breakup. That’s got to be you. But the thing is, she wants you to lead to that point, right? So she wants to first open up slowly over time to the point where she feels comfortable. So when she reaches out to you, she doesn’t want to talk about that because she doesn’t want to take the risk. She doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable. She doesn’t really know what to do about all of this. She wants to feel safe around you. So that’s why I said you have to slowly build up emotional connection again. You go on dates and eventually do it. It’s just going to happen. You either make out, you hook up, you have some alcohol, you have some fun and then you cuddle. Maybe you just spend the night together in bed and that’s it. There’s going to be some way how you spend time together. And after a while, she warms up and it will then be her who wants to talk about it. But you’re the one who facilitated it by showing her that it’s okay to slowly get back into the relationship, step by step, just like you would be dating any woman. Step by step, you don’t just… With most women, not every woman, it depends on the woman… But typically with a woman, you often build up the attraction, right? Yes, sometimes you can seduce a woman on the first date. If you do, if you play all your cards right, and of course, it also depends on the kind of woman if you can seduce her on the first date.
However, with a lot of women, you probably need two dates. On the first date, she gets to know you a little bit. She knows that you’re not insecure. She knows that you’re confident, that you say what you think and that you’re not afraid of her, these kinds of things. And then on the second date, that’s where you can slowly escalate it, right? And probably on the second date, you bring her home or you already invite her to her place and then she lets herself be seduced. That’s how it typically goes, right? You’ve got to warm her up. So you warm her up by showing her that she can talk to you again, then you can reestablish that nice connection that you had. Then of course, if nothing happens because, you open the door for her, you say, when she reaches out to you, that’s basically an invitation that you have to walk through and then you say, “Hey, you want to meet up,” right. You suggest something like, “Hey, let’s go for a walk with our dog,” for example, and then after the walk with the dog, maybe she comes into your place and whatever you do, if you want to try to seduce her or if you just want to talk about something, if you just start talking about how you’re doing with life and so on, you basically take the initiative and then it’s up to her if she wants to go even further.
As she warms up more and more eventually, she will be the one, she will be the one who will want to get back with you and she will be the one who will want to talk about this and she will open up to you what she’s been thinking, “Hey, I miss you and I think it was a mistake to break up,” and then you can talk about this. You shouldn’t assume that she wants to take the risk and just be like, “Hey, I made a mistake. The way that I dumped you like a cold-hearted bitch, that was not the best way to go.” Most women will not do that. So you gotta ease her into that situation. So you shouldn’t be cold towards her at all and you should not expect her to just message you and then say “Hey, let’s fix this,” and if she doesn’t message you something like this, then you’re just gonna “ignore her” and be… Yeah, not stoic, it’s the wrong word, but yes, ignoring is, I suppose the right word, right? You’re thinking that you’re gonna give her as little attention as possible. You can give her some attention, but it’s not about the amount of attention that you give a woman, per se.
It’s more about the nature of that attention, right. It’s like how much polarity is there. Is it positive? Is it negative? No, it’s kind of just neutral. You’re not mean to her, you’re not aggressive or anything like that or defensive. You’re also not chasing her like crazy and in love or desperate to talk to her and, you are simping and you want to show her that you’re a good guy and that you can fix this and all this stuff. No, it’s just a relatively neutral position where you connect with her, you don’t over-chase her, you don’t show your emotions too much. It’s kind of in the middle and she can’t really figure out what you’re thinking. And when that happens, she will think, “I don’t know what’s going on here. I should probably poke a little bit more and reach out again.” Then, like I said, you gotta invite her out for some dates or for some way to meet up. Eventually, it will be her who will want to get back in the relationship with you. So that is my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.