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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about no contact & the mistaken belief that you should break no contact. So sometimes you bullshit yourself that now is the right time to message your ex. So I actually have a situation from a guy and it’s quite an interesting one because he ran into his ex, and now he’s thinking “I probably should message her,” but don’t misunderstand the no contact rule! You should never message your ex first. Even if you run into her and you have a conversation, for example, you still want to see that she takes the initiative to reach out to you. Because if she doesn’t reach out to you, and she just doesn’t care about you, and even if she runs into you… I mean that could be a chance encounter and that doesn’t really mean anything. What matters is if she shows consistent interest in you. Once she does, that’s when it’s the time to get back together. Anyway, so let’s go into his message. Let’s see what I have to say.
Breaking No Contact: When Should I Text My Ex After No Contact Rule — Never!
Hey coach, I’d love to hear your take on my no contact situation. I think it might be a good idea to break no contact because in a way, I’ve been in contact with my ex during last weekend.
Well, it is never a good time to break no contact. It’s so easy to come up with excuses why today I should be breaking no contact. Her birthday. It’s an occasion like she has her graduation from college. Or she just finished her bar exam. So now she’s a lawyer. Or she just opened her business. Or something like that. Or she reached a big milestone. Or something like that. There are so many reasons why you think you might want to reach out to an ex. None of them are valid. If you reach out to her, she knows that you’re into her, and then she won’t be attracted to you. So you’ve been in contact because you met her during the last weekend… That doesn’t mean anything! Who knows, maybe you met her and she’s literally fucked some other guy right now. So why would you reach out to her?
We Were Both A Mess: I Wasn’t A Good Influence On My Ex Girlfriend And She Left Me
Here’s what happened: My ex broke up with me five months ago and the breakup was really bad. It was without a doubt the worst breakup I’ve ever had and I had a few painful breakups before that. But this one was different. My ex and I spiraled out of control during our relationship. Both of us had serious issues during the end of our relationship. She was starting to have a drinking problem, and I had anger issues, and we blamed each other a lot for our problems. The last months of our relationship were barely any fun any longer. Aside from what I suppose you could call passionate denial sex, where we tried to save the relationship with sex, there was no kindness and passion left anymore between us.
And so eventually, we had a really big fight and my ex broke up with me, which probably was for the best because I was on a short fuse back then and this breakup was something that we both needed. At first, I didn’t see it that way though. I begged a lot. I went from being angry in our relationship to having no self-respect and I chased her for almost two months. It went from being a mostly mutual breakup, to me being the one who conceded and be the one to look for attention. I really screwed it up. I felt back then that it was my fault, which to an extent, it probably was. My ex did not have a drinking problem when we started dating but I had anger issues way before we dated. So I don’t think I was the best influence on her.
Look, even if that is true… If you were not the best influence on her, she still had her flaws, and from the sounds of it, it really sounds to me that you both actually should just be focused on fixing your issues right now. Obviously, you with your anger issues and if she still has a drinking problem right now, if it was mostly you who caused her to have the drinking problems because it stressed her, and then she started drinking, maybe she doesn’t have it anymore, but ultimately she got to get this in control. And the reality is just because a partner mistreats you, it doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you get a free pass to start doing drugs, or start to do alcohol, for example. Yeah, okay, so you mistreated her. You had anger issues. But that doesn’t mean that now she should also be doing a lot of stupid shit. You both shouldn’t be doing stupid shit. So first, fix yourself, and obviously, you lost your respect, your self-dignity, and that didn’t work. So I don’t know if you fixed your anger issues but if you haven’t fixed them, I can guarantee you, you will still have the same issues in the relationship when you get back together.
Because let’s be real: Having anger issues is not really something nice. I sometimes see, let’s just call it the cliche… We call it Bule here in Indonesia, but also in the Philippines… I lived a long time in the Philippines and you see these cliche white guys… I know, now I sound like a feminist, or like a patriarch, or whatever, but it’s just something that’s just true. It’s white people, or people… It could also be someone who’s not white, but it’s basically people from the west, who just have problems with gratitude and are always angry. And nobody wants to hang out with these people. We’re always just laughing about these people. It changed me a lot to actually to be now here in Asia, because people are very grateful, and generous, and kind all the time. And so now I’m also one of those people who just laugh about these people because nobody wants to be with a person or talk to a person who’s always angry, always frustrated, always complaining. So clearly, if you don’t fix your anger issues, she’s not going to want to hang out with you. That’s just the reality of it.
So fix your anger issues and you actually say: “Anyway, I decided to go no contact after two months.”
So these two months or now your no contact should be really a period for you to figure out why do I have anger issues. Go see a therapist. Go read a book. Figure out your problem. Why are you so angry? Why do you have such a short fuse? Why can’t you just be normal, calm? Why can’t you just take it in when something bad happens? You take a breath. You absorb it. But you then let it out again. Instead, you’re just keeping it inside. You’re bottling it up. And it just gets worse and worse. And I guess you’re probably exploding in anger. I used to have anger issues in the past as well, so as I said, I used to be like that kind of grumpy and always looking for problems. Now that I live in Asia, i learned my lesson that anger is really fucking useless. So you should also realize that it’s useless. So use no contact to work on that.
Waiting During No Contact: Standing Still And Waiting For An Ex Is No Contact Gone Wrong
It seemed pointless and I had lost hope. I felt like she didn’t care about me at all and then there was silence between the two of us for the last three months.
Again, I just want to point out here that it sounds to me that you’ve been doing no contact just to get her back. Don’t do no contact just to get her back. You have to do it to change yourself. To fix yourself. To fix your issues and if you change yourself, if you fix your issues, then you’re gonna be in a place when she comes back and you can tell that she didn’t fix her issues, you’re actually not gonna want her back. And that’s actually the right approach. This is how it should be. You should only get back with an ex if she also fixed her issues. It always takes two to tango. And if one of you doesn’t fix their issues, no, then you find a better person. That’s just the reality. If you’re not the better person, then she’s gonna find a better man. If she’s not a better woman, then you’re gonna find a better woman. So don’t just do no contact just to get her back. Alright, so just to make this clear, I am not saying that you 100% said this here, but it sounds to me that you’re just doing no contact for the sake of doing no contact to get her back.
Bumping Into Your Ex Girlfriend: I Ran Into My Ex At A Party And We Talked A Little Bit
I did no contact for three months but well there still is, I guess, some contact, but we ran into each other last weekend during a night out. I don’t know she was going to be there but then I saw her in the club and she noticed me. The awkward thing is that my group of friends and her group of friends actually bumped into each other and started having a conversation and somehow she and I had a short conversation but it was just really brief. She just asked me who those guys were that I was with because they were a new group of friends of mine from aikido club. I just told her a bit about what I was up to. Then I wanted to ask her how she was doing, and inquire about her, but then one of her friends dragged her to go on the dance floor and off she went. We didn’t talk anymore that night and I felt bummed out so I asked my friends to hop to another bar and that was it.
Well, let’s be real, if you already had a conversation and it wasn’t awkward and it wasn’t like you didn’t want to talk to each other, and she didn’t want to talk to you… I mean she did want to talk to you, then you could have probably gone on the dance floor and see if you might have had some fun there. This would have been a good opportunity to just gauge if this could work out. The problem is you then went not home, you went to another bar, and you felt bummed out. So you didn’t take your shot. Now you think I’m gonna message her and I think now it’s too late.
Texting Your Ex Girlfriend After No Contact: Who Should Reach Out First After No Contact?
Now I wonder if it makes sense to message her right now. I guess you could say that no contact has been broken although unintentionally. I think since we had a conversation and while it wasn’t long or amazing, I felt like she wasn’t angry with me anymore. I think her demeanor has changed. So I have a feeling it would be a good time to start a real conversation with her. What do you think? Should I use the momentum that’s there and see if we can go back to normal conversations? Thanks a lot, coach.
No, as I said, it was a good opportunity in the bar to actually do this, but now basically it’s gone. So what you should do now is, you clearly say that she is not angry and I mean this is just what I said basically. She was okay talking to you, basically, right? Maybe it was weird but ultimately she didn’t run away from you. So that is actually a good sign but now if you start chasing her, if you now message her, she can tell that you’re totally still into her. It sounded to me that you were basically playing it cool. It wasn’t affecting you too much in the bar and she probably felt that, but then she went off to the dance floor. Hey whatever, shit happens! So I’m assuming when she left for the dance floor she felt kind of neutral to maybe a little bit good. And perhaps if you would have gone on the dance floor then it would have felt actually really good for her. But now she doesn’t really know what to feel yet. It’s probably relatively neutral.
If you chase her now, then you go back to negative. You go back to being the one who chases and you said that you had to concede, basically, and you both had flaws in the relationship. So look, I think she should be the one and chase you right now. You could actually say that she ditched you. She went off to the dance floor. I know that was not really her fault because her friend wanted her to go, so she could have said like “Hey, no, I want to stay here. I want to talk to my ex a little bit longer.” But she didn’t. So she left you hanging there, essentially. I don’t think she did this maliciously or run away from you unless you’re not giving the full picture here and she felt uncomfortable. But the bottom line is she went off. So the way that I see it is that she should make some effort to actually reach out to you and if she doesn’t, then don’t message her. This is just you trying to make up a bullshit excuse. Just as I said, you’re telling yourself…
Let’s just say you bump into your ex randomly. Let’s say you work in the same city, in the same business district, or something like that and then you see each other and you have a short conversation. Two minutes. Do you think you would then message her? No, of course not. Would you message her if you bumped into her for like 30 seconds and you would just exchange hi or something like that? No, of course not. If she’s not reaching out to you, if she’s not chasing you, then she’s not interested in you, basically. You fucked it up when you started begging. So now she has all the power. So you gotta take your power back. Wait for her to chase you. Get your power back. Then you can see that she’s into you. Then you can have some fun. And then maybe you can do something like this actually again. Maybe she’s someone who likes to party. Although, she used to have a drinking problem. So maybe hold off on that. Maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe do something more casual. A casual date. Don’t go to a bar because you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes and don’t want to get back into the same patterns that you had.
You want to fix your anger issues and obviously, she shouldn’t go back to having a drinking problem. So ultimately just play it cool, play it safe, wait for her to reach out, and also make sure that she actually fixed her issues. I just realized this right now. The fact that she is at a bar… You know, does she still have the drinking problem? If she does, then why would you want to get back with her? So that’s something also that you gotta evaluate if or when she reaches out to you. I think she’s gonna reach out to you eventually, then you gotta evaluate does she have a drinking problem? Does she still have the same problem? And also you, obviously, there’s no point in judging. You can’t judge her if you still have the same problem.
If you didn’t fix your problem, then it’s kind of bullshit to judge her if she still has her problem. Obviously, you should fix your problem, and if she hasn’t fixed her problem, don’t get back with her. That’s just the reality of how I see it. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear and you’re probably going to listen more to your dick than your heart, but if you think with your brain rationally, you know that if she doesn’t fix her issues, then you shouldn’t get back with her. I don’t know if that is the case. I’m just putting this out there. So be careful with this and wait it out. Wait for her to reach out to you. All right, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Do you have some stupid reasons why you want to reach out to your ex? Let me know in the comments below. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.