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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is the right way to handle a breakup as a man and do no contact? How to overcome the hardship of unbearable breakup pain? An alpha male breakup mindset is crucial after you’ve been dumped by a woman. Whether you were casually dating a new woman, or you’ve been dumped by an ex, moving forward with strength after rejection is essential — whether you want to re-attract her, move on from her, or shut her out of your life because she’s a toxic narcissist.
As studies indicate, men often do not see the breakup coming. There may have been problems in the relationship and you noticed them from time to time, but you likely didn’t believe that you and your girlfriend would break up. You assumed that despite the problems, your love was greater than that and she would never leave you. But complacency is the death of all relationships.
Things got worse than you expected, or they were worse than you thought them to be. And eventually, the breakup hit you like a lightning bolt on a clear, sunny day. You should have seen it coming from a mile ago. Your breakup could have been predicted easily 3 months before it happened. But to you, it happened overnight. But your ex girlfriend already felt this unhappy with you for months. For her, this storm had been brewing for a long time and she had gotten sick of the bad weather. She wanted to leave you for three months, six months, maybe longer. But your ex was afraid to go through with the breakup so she stuck around for as long as she could take it. Depending on how long you’ve been together, it may have taken her shorter or longer to make up her mind.
Massive Breakup Pain: Are You Drowning In Self-Pity Or Are You Transforming Yourself Into A King?
The bottom line is: The breakup had been in the making for quite some time, and at least partly, it was because of your actions. Rejection is painful. When a woman doesn’t want you any longer, you can’t help but feel that there’s something wrong with you. That’s the problem. Your pain is holding you back.
You are suffering a lot and while you are drowning in your despair, you’re not focusing on yourself. You’re focusing too much on your ex-girlfriend. You’re focusing too much on your anxiety. That is understandable. But I want to encourage you to get out of your rut. To see the value within you and adopt an alpha male mindset after this tough breakup. Especially if you’d like to re-attract your ex, the only way forward is to regain your confidence and be able to say to yourself that you are a king. After a breakup always remind yourself of your greatness and how much you can achieve despite your setbacks.
It is crucial to avoid falling prey to the false notion that you’re not worthy. Yes, your ex girlfriend rejected you and didn’t want you any longer — that doesn’t mean you aren’t needed. You probably messed some things up, but this is your chance to prove to yourself that you can learn from them & become a better man. You are an amazing man. You do not need to hate yourself for your mistakes in the relationship. Learn from them and instead of acting like a beta male who feels defeated by his flaws, become an alpha male who takes stock of his failures and rises with even more strength.
Focus on yourself to become strong again after a breakup, otherwise, you’re going to spiral out of control like the guy in this message who wants to re-attract his ex. He has gone through the problem of feeling worse, and worse, and worse. When you’re going no contact with an ex-girlfriend, your priority has to be self-improvement, not self-hatred or self-inflicted misery. After a breakup always work on yourself — with compassion — in a way that makes you respect yourself and makes your ex and other women respect you again. This is how you re-attract your ex back into your life. So, let’s see what his problem is:
Alpha Male Breakup Mindset: How To Deal With No Contact After A Breakup
Coach, I’ve got to be honest with you. No contact is killing me and I have no idea how other guys manage to do no contact indefinitely. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me three weeks ago and I can’t deal with the breakup at all. I have never been so anxious in my entire relationship.
It’s always amazing how my clients often reflect the solutions in their problem statements. You don’t know how guys manage to do no contact indefinitely. That’s the problem. There are only two ways how to do no contact: You either us it as a mindset to focus on yourself indefinitely and avoid thinking about your ex girlfriend as much as possible — even if you want her back. Or you become obsessed with her and no contact becomes a cheap trick to re-attract her with some luck — only to lose her again afterward.
Men who managed to do indefinite no contact taught themselves that their focus on themselves is the highest priority. Getting your ex back isn’t the priority. Being able to do no contact forever is the priority. Being an attractive male is the goal. Because your ex could come back in 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 months, 6, or heck, it could be in 23 months. I’ve seen it all while working with my clients. From the shortest time frames, to so long you wouldn’t believe it, to her never coming back.
Be okay to live without your ex. That’s the only way how you can get her back. It sounds very contradictory, doesn’t it? How can you get your ex back if you want to live without her for the rest of your life? Well, exes come back when you’ve moved on. Your ex girlfriend will come back because she can feel that you are detaching from her. You are no longer desperate. You want your ex but you don’t need her — that’s when she feels drawn into action.
Your ex needs to see that being without her is no longer killing you. You’re moving on with your life — with or without her. Of course, you’re leaving the doors open. Yes, you might be in pain. It may hurt for months on end, but sooner or later your resilience with be greater than your breakup pain. A strong man says to himself “I’ve got to move forward. I gotta focus on my work, my aspirations, and my hobbies. I need to become a master at all things important to me in my life.”
When your ex sees that you are making moves despite all that pain, she’ll be into you again. Instead of being negative, you’re full of positivity and strength. Your strength will reattract her and she will start regretting the breakup. If you screwed up — which you did in this case — then she left you because she wasn’t happy in the relationship and with you. Why was she not happy? Because you didn’t move forward. You didn’t improve the relationship. You weren’t a leader of your relationship and didn’t make an effort to fix what wasn’t working. So at the end of the relationship, you may have already been in a beta male state of mind, or you only were an alpha male leader for anything but the relationship.
In these situations, the only option that a woman has is to leave and find a guy who seems more positive — even if that guy is not the better choice. On the surface, he seems like he’s the better choice for her. He appears strong, like an alpha male, and he gives off the vibe that he can protect her. Your ex girlfriend believes another man can take care of her, make her feel loved, and speak up in the relationship when it is deteriorating. She believes that any other guy will take action when she says “I’m not happy.”
And even if the new guy that she’s then dating turns out to be far from that, if at least she has the perception that this is his personality, then she’s going to want to be with that guy. She wants something better than what your relationship offered when it was on the brink of collapse. You have to be that guy in the relationship because perception is meaningless once real problems arise. Action to nurture a relationship is key. So, be a king. Become a man who embodies positivity. Move forward and solve your problems without drowning in negativity.
Once you embrace such an alpha mindset throughout your life, you will always solve all your relationship problems. And any woman will love you more than you could ever imagine. She’ll never want to leave you. So, learn to focus on yourself so that doing indefinite no contact until you hear from your ex will no longer bother you. Stop counting the days during no contact and slowly get away from your thought process of “There is no way I can keep this up. I can’t do this if I have to go on with this for another week. I’m literally gonna die. This feels worse than dying.”
No, it doesn’t. You are stronger than you think. I know you’re a man of steel. Nothing is worse than dying. If you’d be dead, you wouldn’t even have a chance to ever rekindle your relationship with her. It sounds cheesy but you can be grateful to still be alive after your breakup. You’ve already made it through the worst part. Now things will only get better. You now get the chance to make this work.
I know your breakup anxiety is killing you and it feels like this has been the most anxious that you’ve ever been in your life, but this life lesson was thrown at you for a reason. It’s showing you that you are about to toughen up, you’re going to grow and reimagine yourself, and you’ll build up new strength. It will take time, but you will get there.
A great companion book to embrace this mindset is Tony Robbin’s “Awaken The Giant Within.” I’m a big fan of listening to his audiobook when I’m at my lowest to pull myself out of a rut. There’s just something about his masculine, coarse voice that gives you power.
If this is the first time that you’ve ever felt so devastated after losing a woman, then this is your magic opportunity to build up resilience. Breakups are an opportunity to develop the level of masculine resilience any woman loves. Your ex will fall back in love with you, or if not, another woman will do so — trust me. No contact is like the glass-half-full scenario. Is your glass half full, or half empty? I want you to embrace your inner power. Are you just going to be depressed, become a beta male, and think that your life sucks? Or are you going to stay positive, be an alpha male, and keep pushing forward? Ask yourself: What kind of man do you want to be? A man with an alpha male breakup mindset? Or do you want to give up and become a beta male? My encouragement for you is: Choose the path of an alpha male after a breakup or when losing a woman.
No Contact Is Killing Me: When No Contact Is Driving You Crazy And You Feel Depressed
The relationship with my ex was the first long-term relationship that lasted longer than one year. We’ve been together for 17 months and she’s my everything. I never thought losing someone could hurt so much. Ever since she broke up with me, my life is spiraling out of control and it keeps getting worse. I thought I would feel better but it keeps getting worse.
It takes time to internalize all of that breakup pain. You didn’t expect her to break up with you and recognizing all the things you’ve lost takes time. After a woman dumps you it might get worse at first before it gets better. But this process is necessary. Stare into the belly of the beast. Confront everything that hurts you. Don’t run away from it. Don’t become depressed, retreat into online gaming, substance usage, and so on. Looking at everything you’ve lost helps you to overcome that pain.
There are several studies that discovered that processing your thoughts and emotions after a breakup greatly helps you to move on quicker. Those who write down with pen and paper how they feel about their ex girlfriend gain more clarity about their feelings & rebuild themselves quicker. Your suffering from all this pain is a sign that everything is working as intended. You’re currently in the process of healing.
I know it doesn’t feel like it. To you, everything is only getting worse, but believe me, confronting the pain of rejection instead of trying to escape from it will help you overcome it faster. I assume you are already close to hitting rock-bottom. What happens after rock-bottom? Rebirth. You dive back up! Again, this is why mindset is crucial. Encourage yourself that you can do this. Very, very soon, you are going to inspire yourself to newer heights and you will feel inspired to take action and become a more attractive version of yourself. Striving to become a better man is fun, but sometimes we forget that when we are going through a lot of pain.
Embrace the process & your pain. What do some other men & especially women do instead of embracing that pain? They jump into rebound relationships. If you are a man, there is a 93% chance that your ex-girlfriend is rebounding. It’s not a good strategy. What happens with people who jump into rebound relationships right away? They don’t process their pain. And over-time, they never processed it, and all the lessons they could have taken away from the experience just fade out.
This is why so many men grow after breakups, whereas women often stay the same and repeat the same patterns in their relationships. As a man, you got to face your dark anti-patterns, or you’ll go through the same tough breakup again in the future. Women have the benefit of needing less accountability. They can just easily find another man — well, for a while, anyway, after they get “too old” and become less desirable, which is roughly in their 30s to mid-30s. Is this who you want to be? Or do you want to be proud of encouraging yourself to grow & learn from your breakup experience? Change yourself so that you don’t repeat the same problems in the next relationship or with your ex girlfriend if she comes back. As counterintuitive as it may seem, embrace the pain of losing your ex-girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with the pain that you’re feeling. It’s going to make you stronger and make life easier for you in the long-run.
Disappointed Ex Girlfriend: My Ex Thinks I Only Wanted Her Body & Left Me For It
I have been doing no contact just as suggested. Give her space and time, but the more time passes, the more I’m counting the days that she’s been gone and she doesn’t seem to miss me. I don’t think it’s helping. She broke up with me because she felt that I wasn’t attentive enough and that we’d only spend time because I wanted to have sex with her.
This is something she brought up in a similar fashion before but she never mentioned the sex outright. She just said that she felt like we didn’t spend enough time together. I told her that I love her and that it was not how I feel at all and I apologized if I was not spending enough time with her, but she said that it was over. She has been hoping for me to make a change for some time and that she thinks it’s for the best to let it go. She said she wasn’t angry, just disappointed and she wanted to find herself.
Most men neglected their ex girlfriend before a breakup. Studies about women suggest that they did not feel cherished enough by their men before the breakup. Therefore, of course, its tempting to ignore no contact and internalize the urge of “I’ve neglected her. I’ll acknowledge to her that I neglected her. We can fix this. Let me fix this. I will give her more attention.” This rationale to get an ex girlfriend back never works.
Right after the breakup, your ex has already given up on you and the relationship. She’s already been deliberating this for quite some time and she’s made up her mind. Her decision is “final” for the time being. It’s probably been 1-2 months before the breakup when her mind was already set in stone and she knew she had to break up but she was finding any reason she could not to break up with you. Deciding to break up with you was a terrifying choice for your ex-girlfriend.
But eventually, she pressed the Eject button and ran. Her decision is 99% sure until she gains some space and a new perspective on life without you. She didn’t want the risk of losing you, but she believed that not being with you would no longer pose a risk. But over time, as she starts to miss you, your ex girlfriend will be faced with a new type of risk: Losing you forever. But she’s not there yet. And you cannot and shouldn’t change that. Let her come to this conclusion on her own. She’s currently fully committed to that decision. She spent months deliberating it and now is the worst moment to get her back.
You want to convince your ex girlfriend that you’re gonna change your behavior because you neglected her but that’s not going to help right now. If you let her know once, that is enough. I’m sure you have been letting her know either by begging or at least trying to confront her on the issue and she still rejected you. Now it is time to wait. Or rather, redirect your focus. She knows you want to do better.
I bet she heard it more than once: “We can fix this. I will figure out how to give you more attention. I screwed this up. I’m really sorry that I didn’t spend enough time with you. I should have spent more time talking to you and making you feel heard. I guess we’ve been living too much like strangers. If you felt that I only want sex then I am sorry. Let’s fix it, babe. Tell me, babe. I love you. Where did it go wrong?”
After a breakup, during no contact you feel the urge to resolve the problem with your ex girlfriend. But the bottom line is that you didn’t resolve it back then when you were still a couple. Back then you had still had a chance to dig a little bit deeper into what she meant by that. It seems you didn’t do that. It may have been fixable and she’s disappointed. Your ex-girlfriend knows that you want to do better and fix the relationship problems, but right now she lacks faith in you. Give her time to forgive you for the things that didn’t make her happy. She will realize that it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. In fact, your ex girlfriend giving up on you will make her feel bad for not fighting for the relationship when you were willing to do so.
Your ex-girlfriend made a mistake. Giving up on a relationship too soon is a mistake. Most women instinctively know actually that rejecting their boyfriend when he finally wants to do better was the wrong decision. Yes, even if it took you until the very last moment to finally wake up and address the issue, at least you wanted to make a change. Women know that relationships require work. You were willing to do the work but she gave up — her dumper regret will surely kick in.
She was a pessimist and said “Nah, I’m done with this! I’ve already tried to make it work and I don’t think that he can make it work.” But did she really try hard enough if she left when you decided to change? She didn’t have enough faith in you and she instinctively knows this was the wrong call. When we fully commit to our partner, e. g. in marriage, our love is built on top of a foundation of faith. It is called being faithful for a reason — we put our faith in our partner and give them the benefit of the doubt in their worst moments.
Women instinctively know that this is how we should bond with our partner in a relationship. She will realize that she made a mistake. So give her the space and time to be faced with that harsh truth. If your ex-girlfriend wants to find herself, she wants to find out if she can find attention from someone else. But is she going to get this in the long-term or not? Most likely not. At the very least, not within the next 1-2 years.
Most relationships do not work out. And after a breakup, the first one or two (rebound) relationships will definitely not work out. Her relationships will not last very long, especially. So don’t worry about your ex-girlfriend moving on, forgetting you, or finding another man. Let your ex girlfriend “find herself” and realize that missing you is worse than a few communication issues in the relationship.
Can You Do No Contact For Months: What If She Doesn’t Contact You During No Contact
I was happy in our relationship and when she left it derailed my life. I have to think about her all the time and no contact is not helping with this at all. This waiting game is driving me crazy. How do I know that this is actually doing anything, instead of her not just moving on? I really don’t think that I can keep this up for much longer. I want to message her soon. I think she doesn’t know how much I love her and that I want to give her more attention, but I can’t, unless she gives me another chance.
No, she knows that you want to make it work. Don’t message your ex girlfriend during no contact — ever. It makes no sense. You will only push your ex girlfriend further away if you apply pressure again. Let her feel the consequences of leaving you. How do you know that no contact is working? The answer is twofold:
- You have no idea if it is working. It’s impossible to know what she’s feeling. That is the reason why you should stop overthinking. Her current emotional state could be exhilaration to be with you, or the beginning of her starting to miss you. It depends on her. There are a lot of factors that play into this. Your ex girlfriend is most likely not as happy as you think. But ultimately, you have no idea what she’s thinking. Always wait for your ex to take action. Don’t obsess over her.
- Ironically, the other side of the coin is that you do know thanks to the Fading Affect Bias! The FAB has been well-studied. The Fading Affect Bias guarantees that your ex will forget her negative emotions and memories about you after roughly three months. Technically, it takes effect immediately, but the three-months timeframe is when your ex will be confronted with her feelings of missing you vs realizing that you’re not so bad after all. That’s the sweet spot for no contact. And then roughly after a year, most of the negative emotions have faded.
This always works. Biology is your friend. The reason why no contact works is because your ex girlfriend cannot turn off her human biases and automatic behavior that have evolved over millions of years. She’s at least going to forget her reasons for breaking up with you. She will no longer be angry that she felt neglected and then she’ll reconsider getting back with you.
Is your ex girlfriend going to come back and realize she made a mistake after a very short while? No, she won’t come back fast unless she has an anxious attachment style. But most likely, it’ll take some time. No matter how long it takes her to reach out after breaking up, there’s a 95% sure that your ex girlfriend wants to message you again, but she needs a catalyst — usually loneliness — which pushes her buttons just the right way to urge her to think “Just message him! Get over your ego” and then, she’ll literally push a button: The send message button.
So give your ex-girlfriend time. Give yourself time. Stay focused on yourself. You can’t predict when she will message you. The problem is that you are treating no contact like a waiting game. That’s why it is driving you crazy. You’re laser-focused on all the negativity. Be positive. Focus on your growth. Reclaim your power after the breakup and become an attractive man — then your ex will notice your change and reach out to you for sure.
Handle A Breakup Like A Man: Unbearable Breakup Pain Is An Chance To Rebuild Yourself After A Breakup
Lately, I have been questioning so many things about my life, and career choices, and whether I made a lot of poor decisions. Maybe she was right and that thought terrifies me because if I really neglected her, then I don’t know how to further neglecting her could really make it better. I certainly don’t feel any better with the situation at all. I just realize with every passing day that it’s over, and I think she has the same feelings. She feels that I left her hanging and this is how we are creating more distance between each other.
It’s good that you’re recognizing problems and that you’re internalizing them. It’s important to recreate yourself after a breakup. When you get dumped by a girl, always re-define your identity — craft a new identity and become attractive to yourself and your ex. Use your pain, and flip your negative experience around. Turn your struggle into something positive.
For example, you figured out that you neglected her too much. It sounds to me that you were too focused on sex with your ex. It’s a mistake a lot of men make. Of course, sex is great and it is an important part of any relationship but women need more than sex. Women give sex to be intimate. They aren’t intimate to gain sex. But if they don’t get the intimacy they crave after sex, they’ll feel disappointed.
The sex was great and you thought that she was emotionally fulfilled and you were wrong about that. So reflect on some things that you did or didn’t do in the relationship. Could you have gone on more date nights with your ex girlfriend? I’m sure you could have had amazing sex after the date night and she would have felt emotionally satisfied. Did you check in with her too infrequently and did you miss out on opportunities to ask her how her day was? Did you rarely try to get a feeling how happy she is in the relationship and if she wasn’t, you stepped up your game with reconnection rituals? Did you fail to be a masculine leader in your relationship and asked your girlfriend what you could do to be happier as a couple?
There are many ways how you could have made your ex-girlfriend feel heard, valued, and appreciated. Sex was only a piece of the emotional connection puzzle. Instead of spiraling more out of control, day by day, you could have picked up a relationship book. You could have suggested reading it together with your girlfriend and discussing what you thought about the ideas in the book. If you get back together, make sure to read some simple but powerful books on how to maintain healthy relationships. In my book, I talk a lot about how to be a strong & nurturing leader in a relationship.
Or, you can pick up a great book, such as Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages. Learn what went wrong. Empower yourself. Pick up new relationship skills and create a personal plan for how you can do better in the future. After a breakup, a lot of men believe this is useless. After all, it’s over, so why focus on relationship skills? But no contact and re-attracting your ex-girlfriend serves absolutely no purpose if you don’t address the deeper issues within your own behaviors that contributed to the breakup. And on top of growing, your dedication towards self-improvement will make you feel better about yourself. You will begin to appreciate yourself more and become less anxious about your breakup. After all, you are in the process of becoming an absolute catch. Your new insights about yourself and your relationships will create a new vibe. Once you level up, you’ll embody a completely different aura than before and shortly after the breakup.
And your ex-girlfriend is going to notice that you’re changing for the better. It’s impossible for women to not pay attention to an attractive, confident, conscious & self-developed man. Become a king and your ex will want to be with you again in a heartbeat. Don’t become obsessed with all your negative emotions and your regrets. Reflect on them — that is crucial. Internalize all of it, but most importantly, take action to improve everything that you believe you could have done better. Don’t be self-defeating or self-hating, just be realistic about where you have room for growth after your breakup.
Anything else is pointless. Not taking any action or beating yourself up is like a man who is perpetually depressed, always negative, grumpy, and sad. Being in such a beta male state helps you gain nothing in life — certainly nothing with your ex-girlfriend. You’ll just continue to stay depressed for the rest of your life when it doesn’t have to be that way.
Real change happens once you begin to think like a champion, reflecting: “My life sucks. I am depressed because I have a shit job that I hate. I did XYZ wrong in my relationships. I say no to these problems! Time to fix all of it! No excuses”
Once you acknowledge your shortcomings and commit to taking baby steps towards a better life, that’s when you’ll see results — in life and with your ex-girlfriend. It’s a simple concept. It seems intimidating but all it takes is one small step at a time.
1 Month Of No Contact: My Ex GF Hasn’t Contacted Me During No Contact — Time To Reach Out?
So I think after week four of no contact, I want to message her and try to talk to her to see how she’s doing. I am hoping she’s missing me and that no contact made her want to be back together with me again. Would you say it’s okay to message her after a month? It’s been a long time and I think our relationship was good. We didn’t have big fights. Just her losing attraction for me. I’m looking forward to hearing your response if this hopefully makes it into a video. Thank you so much.
No, it’s absolutely not okay to message your ex after a month. You keep it up even if your ex is not responding after no contact. No contact never ends. You’re only using this as an excuse because you don’t feel good about yourself. Your ex-girlfriend is like a drug to you and you need your next shot. Messaging achieves nothing. She will get turned off again, and on top of it, you probably haven’t spent enough time to fix the underlying issues. Four weeks after a breakup is not a long time. Even if you’d be massively focused on your personal growth, you should still stay in no contact.
Every time that you message your ex-girlfriend, she’s going to realize that she doesn’t want to be with you. She needs space and time. Don’t annoy her. Don’t frustrate her. Don’t make her want to pull away even further. Pushing never works with an ex girlfriend. If you push, she’s gonna pull. So don’t message her.
Focus on how you can feel better. How can you become less addicted to your ex? Improve yourself. Focus on yourself. Your life is spiraling out of control. Why is that? Is it only because of her? If so, then your current life with your career, hobbies, friendships, and so on, need improvement. Missing an ex-girlfriend and wanting to break no contact is a result of your ex having a bigger grasp on you than your own life has on you.
At the maximum, your (ex) girlfriend should occupy 50% of your life. The other 50% of your life is dedicated towards your own identity separate from her. It seems to me that you focus too much on the identity that you had in your relationship. Focus on your own identity.
And if you feel lost and don’t know what that is — that is ok. Discovering what kind of man you are is part of the no contact process. Do you want to become a book author? When I wanted to write a book, I focused on it like crazy. And it was tough. Completely out of left field with my previous life as a geeky nerd working in technology jobs. But this motivation kept me going.
After a breakup, you need to generate motivation for yourself. Or else you will feel lost. Set some goals. Create a new roadmap for yourself. Motivate yourself to try out something new. Learn a new skill, and push the limits of who you are. You’ll be surprised how far you can go. Becoming a dating coach was extremely challenging for me, but it opened up doors and turned me into a more fascinating man. That’s the kind of journey that I want for you. Women love it when they find out what I do for a living.
Your passions and determination are what make you attractive to your ex-girlfriend and other women.