Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about what letting go does to the dumper’s mindset. Typically, dumpers are treated as horrible human beings, but the reality is, relationships just sometimes don’t work out for all kinds of reasons. And in this video, the reason why it didn’t work out is pretty much no proper reconnection rituals, no proper plan in the relationship. And if you don’t make your woman happy because you don’t have a proper plan, you don’t talk about what you actually want, are you actually moving towards the right direction together as a couple? Is she not happy with how she’s doing things? Are you not happy how you’re doing things?
Exploring Reasons For A Breakup: Why Your Ex-Girlfriend Dumped You In The FIrst Place
If some of that stuff is going on and you’re not making sure that you actually understand each other, at some point, the woman will just leave because women always want to feel heard. And if she doesn’t feel that way because you’re not making an effort to understand what is actually important to her… And I hate to say it, but that’s pretty much your fault. Look, I know there’s a lot of red pill based stuff about women are really demanding and they have double standards and all that bullshit. But the reality is if you don’t listen to your partner, actually, it’s the same thing with men. If your woman doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t care about whatever is important to you, yeah, you’re not gonna be happy. And likewise, if you don’t listen to what she wants or what she needs in her life, and with the relationship, she’s gonna dump you as well. So anyways, we’re gonna get into this. What happens when you actually let go of your dumper?
Now, whether your woman dumped you because it’s not warranted or she dumps you for a warranted reason, but then she eventually basically changes her mind, she knows she made a mistake. If you let go it’s going to mess with her brain. She’s going to realize: “I know…. this breakup reason was not the best reason. And I probably should have changed something here. I should have just talked with him, communicated with him, tried to find a solution.” So let’s see what’s going on. We can see that his ex in this scenario is coming back because she recognized: “He was a good guy, probably. And he seems pretty independent now. We can probably solve our issues.” So let’s see what is happening. So let’s jump into it.
Mindset Of The Female Dumper Before The Breakup: When You Are Complacent With Your Girlfriend
Hello, coach. I need your advice about my current breakup situation. I’m in a quite unusual situation with my ex-girlfriend because I didn’t really chase her after the breakup. Now she’s back and my thoughts on everything are just pure randomness, I suppose you could say. Lots of things that I’m thinking about. So for a little bit of a backstory, me and my ex have been a couple for a little bit longer than one and a half years, and I got dumped by her two months ago. She said that she felt like she was losing herself in the relationship and that she still had to find what she wanted from life.
She said that she felt like she wasn’t growing anymore as a person and that she thought that having space from the relationship would be the right thing to do. This came completely out of nowhere to me because we did not have a bad relationship. In retrospective, I think we should have spiced things up more. I now understand that our relationship was way too much of the same things over and over. I think she also felt like her career may have taken a backburner. Before we met and during the relationship, she was a very ambitious, hardworking woman with big goals. But I think for better or worse, being together kind of made us both more relaxed and work less hard.
So that’s basically what went wrong. Now, typically when you have a breakup and when something like this happens, I would say she needs space to find herself. I would say she just wants to fuck around. But like I said, she was a business woman. She was hardworking. She had some big aspirations. Then eventually it got more relaxing, right? After a while, you stopped working so hard and now it’s not that great anymore. Obviously, when you’re in a relationship, you wanna relax, you wanna support yourself, support each other and not make it so hard on each other and just have a good time sometimes, right? You have to find a balance as a couple and then steer towards your goals together and make sure that you can find better solutions to the way that you’re working. For example, the girl that I’m dating right now, she is nine years younger than me. I’m 33, she’s 24. A big difference. And she’s a bit inexperienced. She doesn’t respect herself enough yet. She doesn’t value her work enough yet. She doesn’t recognize how amazing she is. And she has many gigs. She gotta pay the bills, of course, but I know that she can do better. I have some perspective and I’m trying to help her. How can she find a better solution, right? I’m trying to think about how can she do things better as a musician. She’s amazing.
And so, that’s what you wanna do in a relationship. Figure out how can we find better solutions for what we’re doing. Same thing, I’m also sharing with her how I’m trying to do things better with my business and how I’m trying out new things that work better and so on. And it’s nice when you have that in a relationship. That’s what she wanted. She didn’t just wanna fuck around I think. She just wanted to probably get back to her career-driven goals. Now if you date a woman who’s completely career-driven or who’s just completely Alpha and just cares about work, work, work, work, work, that is not a good woman. But you know, even here in Indonesia, the woman that I’m dating, she’s a hard-working woman. She wants to go places. She wants to live a good life. Everybody wants that. There’s nothing wrong with that. And you gotta figure out how can you do that while also having a good family, while having a good relationship. If you’ve become complacent and working less, and to the extent where it gets so comfortable that you’re not moving forward at all anymore, that’s a big problem.
And she said that she was losing herself. She probably felt like she was missing that hustle sometimes to work on whatever goals she had. And that’s why she felt unhappy in the relationship. Now I don’t know how much she communicated it, but basically you should be talking about this stuff all the time. These are the things… This is the reason why you are a couple or why you should be a couple. Pull on those strings together and help each other out. Because when you’re single, it’s just so different, right? When I was new in Indonesia and Bali for 10 months, I’ve just been hustling, hustling, working myself. And you get stuck because you lack perspective, you lack someone to talk to. Yeah, my best friend who’s a good businessman, he’s a smart guy, he’s a marketing guy, he’s a marketing genius, and we exchange ideas and so on. But it’s just so different when you talk with your life partner about these things, and there’s that emotional energy that’s included in that. How you support each other. And so if you’re not giving that to each other, you’re not growing and you’re not getting what you actually need out of the relationship.
So she probably felt that was the case, and that’s why she left you. So you gotta keep that in mind when you get back together. You gotta find a way of how you can maintain some of that work mode, right? How can you work on your goals? How can you hustle hard? So for example, right now I’m recording. I’m recording nine videos today. So I got my me time today, probably also tomorrow, and my girlfriend is not going to bother me. She’s doing her own thing. And sometimes she understands that I need my own time to work on some things, and that’s kind of the compromise that you need to make sometimes. Sometimes you also gotta understand in your case, okay, she needs time to work on whatever she wants to work on, or when was the last time that you asked her about these things? So basically make sure that you understand what she needs and also share what you need, and have these reconnection rituals where you work together on a roadmap of who you want to be as a couple. That’s basically why she felt like no longer comfortable in the relationship, and we’re gonna see in a moment that she’s coming back because she dumped you, but she recognized most likely this was not a good reason to break up. She probably should have communicated more with you. And so let’s see, she’s back… So let’s see, what do you say.
What To Do When She Breaks Up With You: Handling The Breakup Maturely And Ending On Good Terms
When she broke up with me, I tried to change her mind, but I did not beg a lot. I really loved her, but it wasn’t like she hated me or we were on bad terms. And as I tried to talk with her about it, I just realized that the relationship drifted apart and that I should let it go. I don’t think she meant to hurt me or use me. I guess she fell out of love with me and I didn’t want to make her stay with me through begging or anything like that. It was painful, but I let her go. And we ended the relationship on relatively good terms as much as that can be after a breakup, I guess.
So you handled the relationship or the breakup really well. You accepted that, you probably could have done things differently and it hit that breaking point where you could not reverse it anymore. Maybe you tried to change her mind, but it didn’t work. You didn’t beg too much and you ended the relationship on good terms. That’s actually a good thing. When you end the relationship on good terms, you recognize, it’s sad, it hurts you hard, it hurts your feelings. Both of you don’t really want it. You love each other, but it’s just not working out. That’s a good breakup. I know sometimes I say that if you have a really painful breakup with a lot of drama and all that stuff, yes, that is better for getting back with an ex because there are emotions. But you can also have a breakup that is… where you both understand it’s just not working anymore and it hurts like hell. You still truly care about each other, but it’s just not meant to be right now and you handled it really good.
As I said: Every breakup is kind of tough and you ended it as good as a breakup can really be. I think you did the right thing because she doesn’t hate you right after this. You also said to yourself, you don’t hate her for doing this, for breaking up with you. You don’t think that she was using you or that she just probably wanted to hook up with someone else or something like that. The relationship ran its course at that point. That’s how you should handle it as a man. don’t try to fight it. Don’t try to chase her. Don’t try to beg her. Don’t try to get angry. Don’t try to get jealous or whatever. All these negative emotions. If you truly love a woman or if you love anyone for that matter. When they’re not happy, you won’t change their mind. You keep the door open for them, obviously on reasonable terms, if they just come back over, and over, and do this shit all the time and you can clearly tell that they’re just using you. That’s a different matter. But if you know, they just are not happy with their life right now and they need some time to think. And then you give them love, you send them love, you let them go. And if they truly care about you, they will come back. And if they love you, if she truly loves you and you truly love her, you will figure it out. That’s how it should be.
That’s the kind of no contact that I want for you guys where you actually both care for each other. Sometimes exes come back and they just treat you like plan B. They don’t give a shit. They don’t really care about you. You’re just like a solution to fix their mistakes. But… Yea, that’s pretty bad. But in this case, she’s probably coming back because you handled it quite well. You are a man, you’re a grown up, you didn’t chase too much. And so she can tell, yeah! It’s not like you’re plan B, or like you are the last resort most likely. It’s just she recognized: “Okay, this was a dumb decision. I felt lost in the relationship, but why didn’t I try to address it in that relationship?” The problem is sometimes we need to go through these kinds of experiences before we actually understand how to do things better. So I don’t know how old you are, but basically, she probably didn’t really know how to handle the situation. So, so far, so good. The breakup was not too bad. And now we’re gonna see what happens here.
Massive Growth During No Contact: What Your Ex Thinks When You Let Them Go
The first month was really tough for me and even though I let her go, I still missed her and wanted her back. I actually read about no contact and I watched a little bit about it, but not a lot though. I guess you could say that I wasn’t a total mess after she left. I definitely wasn’t at my best, but I started actually really appreciating no contact advice for its positive message of walking away and living your purpose. It was the only reasonable thing that I could do anyways. So I guess you could say I did no contact, but I didn’t really do it for my ex. I just wanted to feel better and happier because I felt like a part of me was missing after the breakup.
I did something pretty crazy after two months LOL! I started a band, which is pretty nuts because I’m already 20 years old. And I never properly learned to play the guitar because of the basics… Beyond the basics. But I guess a part of me just wanted to rebel and do whatever the fuck, ha ha. So I started a band with two other instrumental noobs like me and we’re now playing and learning together. We’re just a hobby cover band, but it’s pretty fun and we even played live for the first time two weeks ago. It was pretty nerve-racking, but like a dream come true. And then recently my ex messaged me again. It’s been four and a half months since the breakup. I absolutely did not expect to hear from her at all.
Yeah, so you lived your purpose. You’ve been wanting to play guitar for the longest time, you’re 20 years old. I’m in that age right now… I’m probably a little bit older but… I’m at that age range 28 to 35 where we get like a quarter-life crisis, or midlife crisis, or whatever you wanna call it. Maybe you also had a tough breakup, you’re changing career. A lot of things change in your life and you recognize you wanna kind of reinvent yourself and try some new things or recognize I never did these things that I actually care about. You were like, fuck it. I’m just gonna go for it. You walked away, used the positive message to work on yourself or do something that you’ve always wanted to do. And now dude, congrats! You’re playing live. Actually I’m jealous of that. I should do that as well. I’m kind of nervous about it, but I should probably soon go make a live performance here in Yogyakarta. They would probably go crazy about this here, but yeah, I’m a little bit shy and I’m actually jealous of you or envious. And I respect what you did essentially. It’s pretty, pretty cool dude. And that’s why she’s back, right? Because she could tell you’re living your purpose, you’re not chasing her, you accept that she moved on, you’re happy again. You’re probably happier than before because she felt lost, right?
She said that she felt lost, that she needed to reinvent herself and understand what she’s up to. And so who knows if she did that? Maybe she did, maybe not. Let’s hope she did. And then she is seeing you, who did not have that desire, and you completely changed what you’re doing! You’re playing the fucking guitar, or you’re getting better at it, and now you’re performing. It’s like you’re a completely different person! She probably looks up to you now because that’s what she wanted to do, right? She wanted to get back to her former self or even better. Now she sees you who’s doing even better and probably made more progress than her. I’m not saying that she didn’t also make progress, but I’m assuming you probably made some quite big progress because you didn’t just stay complacent, right? It’s easy to break up with someone and say, “Hey, I need a change.” But then to make that change, that’s quite tough. You’re the one who went through the pain because she broke up with you. And so you made that change. And so now she’s basically attracted to you again because she dumped you and she thought it would be the right choice. But then she can see that you’re making the change. You’re the one who’s positive. You’re the one who gets shit done. Maybe she didn’t get shit done and she’s thinking, “You know what? Why am I so stupid? I was with a good man who helped me grow. Yes, we had some time of complacency, but if I would be back with him, it would be so much better for me. Myy mental health, my personal growth. I just probably didn’t share with him what I needed and what I wanted.” Then she probably recognizes a little bit that it’s also her fault. And so she’s probably looking after you and she probably wants to get that same growth that you had. That’s why she’s back. You let go. If you move forward and you develop yourself, the dumper will regret it. And what do I see in a moment? Let’s see what’s happening.
When The Dumper Regrets & Wants To Meet Up: What To Talk About With Your Ex Girlfriend
And I also wasn’t trying to retract her or do no contact for her. Maybe at first, I did it a bit with naive hope. I just tried to live on my own terms and now she has been reaching out to me several times. She saw what I was up to with the band and I think she saw that as an opportunity to talk to me again. She actually had been straightforward and told me that she had been thinking about me a lot. She wants to meet up with me next week, so we’re basically about to go on a date again. Or at least it’s a formal meetup. Now, I’m not sure when I should say or do. I still love her and I definitely still wish we could get back together, but I’m hesitant because I fear that she might just have a phase or something like that right now and she’s just reaching out on a whim.
What do I do to make sure that if we get back together, or at least if the date goes well, that we don’t fall into the same trap again? I’m not sure how to fix the problem of us not growing together as a couple. Is this something that can even be fixed? Or was it a sign of us not being compatible with each other? Anyway, that’s a lot of stuff that’s going through my mind right now. I’m honestly not sure how to feel. I am for sure very nervous and happy to see her again, but I’m also scared of what comes next. I didn’t think I’d still feel this way about her, but I guess she has been my first serious long-term girlfriend for a reason. So now I’m faced with one hell of a situation and I hope you can give me your thoughts on everything that’s going on. Then maybe you can help me gain some clarity. Thanks a lot, Greg.
Yeah, so probably the band is just an excuse. I mean, she’s probably amazed by the fact that you’re playing in the band and that’s why she wants to reach out because like, wow, what you’re doing is pretty cool! Basically, she just wants to see you again. Now about the fact that you think are you not compatible? Can you actually make this work? It’s really up to both of you. Maybe it’s more up to her, you gotta see, but basically just go on a date with her, make it fun, don’t worry about this stuff right now. If you date again, if you go on a date and she’s comfortable with you, which I assume she is because she misses you a lot, that’s why she’s been thinking about you, she’s really proud of you most likely, she’s amazed, she wants that kind of energy, and she wants that energy not just because she respects you, she wants that energy also for herself. Just start dating, be casual, get back into the relationship slowly, and then once you’ve hooked up once or twice, once you have sex again, when she stays over at your place, once you’re cuddling and having a good time at your own place, you know what I mean, right?
When you’re just having a good home again, that’s when you talk about where does she want to go, right? And how can you actually get that done? I don’t think that it’s about compatibility. It’s not about that at all. Relationships are about work. And if you put in the work and just… It’s not even work, man. If you just every now and then listen to your girlfriend, and then she listens to you, and you just make a little bit of an extra effort. You know, like if you ask yourself once a week or once a month, it depends on how long you’ve been together, but basically ask yourself, when was the last time that you asked her… How does she feel? How is she doing with work? Does anything bother her? Does she want to change something? You know, is she happy with the relationship? If you do this even just once a month, man, that’s probably enough already to maintain the relationship and make sure that you’re going in the right direction. If you’re not, to make a bit of a change or recognize, “Hmm, okay, maybe we need to talk about this some more or not.”
So I don’t think that you’re not compatible or anything like that. It’s not about compatibility at all. That’s just a bullshit excuse people always give who don’t want to work on their relationships. And they just want to jump from one relationship and bullshit themselves that their soulmate is somewhere out there. Nah, that kind of stuff does not exist. I also don’t think that it’s just like a whim. Now, your exes will always reach out on a whim. Alright. They will miss you. They thought everything was fine, but then eventually they miss you more, and more, and more. And eventually, that… This is the threshold here. Eventually, they get over the threshold where it’s too much missing you. And then they’re like, “Okay, whatever, whatever. I’m going to get over my ego. I’m going to message him even though I’m kind of scared.” I guess you could call this a whim, but it’s just a calculated progression that happens over time. Of course, it could be that sometimes they’re very close to that threshold, and then something bad happens that day. They don’t feel good. They’re like so close here. Then something shitty happens. They miss the good times that they had with you. They just explode over that threshold for that one day.
Yes, that is a whim, but the bottom line is she misses you and she wants to make it work, most likely. So just go on dates again. And eventually, like I said, if you’re spending time again, and if you’re basically a couple again, together, living together or whatever, or spending a lot of time at each other’s place, that’s when you can talk about these things. And it doesn’t even need to be a serious talk. It’s more about a nurturing talk, about understanding how can you support each other and pull on the same strings to reach your goals, right? If she still has some goals to achieve that she kind of put on the back burner for a while, then okay, talk about them and see how you can be in a relationship, make time for those goals, but also obviously have a nurturing relationship as a couple and have some good me-time, some good you-time, with vacations and trips and fun, and sometimes going out and these kinds of things, date nights and so on. You can make this work. You just gotta have a conversation about it. Alright, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Don’t worry so much about it. And of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
