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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about an ex who seemingly moves on really fast. She posts happy stuff on social media. She seems like everything is lovey-dovey. And meanwhile, you’re struggling and you’re trying to figure out what does this mean? Is she really moving on? And it’s really painful! And in this situation, the message that he sent, his ex, basically, you could say she was out of the honeymoon phase for a while and she was essentially ready to get out of the relationship and he didn’t know it. That’s simply how it goes. And then you’re surprised and then you’re the one who’s missing her like crazy. And so you got to kind of detach from that. He also got advice from another coach. So let’s see what is my advice.
Hi, Coach. I hope you’re doing great and can help me out. I hope you don’t mind and me venting, and asking for feedback first, because I tried a lot already. I talked to a coach before with a few sessions, but his advice essentially just goes in circles and nothing I have done so far with her has been working. We were together for almost one year and things were going great, or so I thought.
Well, so let’s first maybe backtrack. If things aren’t working out with your coach, it’s probably because your coach is giving you advice for your ex. But it’s never about your ex. When I have a coaching call and I can see that they’re too focused on their ex, that never works out. And sometimes I see small signs… Even though they say that they’re not doing no contact for their ex, they’re doing it for themselves to grow, to grow and hopefully in the future get her back. But if she doesn’t come back, they’re happy with it. But I can sometimes spot like small signs here or there that they are basically looking for signs of “Is she going to come back in two weeks from now? Or, is she fucking someone else right now?” These kinds of things. And if you’re doing this, then you’re doing no contact wrong. It always has to be about you.
You have to get to a state where you basically don’t think about your ex and you’re happy if she comes back and you can then figure it out again, make it work out again or see if you can make it work out again. But if she doesn’t come back, you’re fine because you’re either dating someone else or you’ve been working on yourself. At the end of the day, you can’t force a woman to want you back. And at the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to come back, you got to move forward. And the thing is that you’re thinking that she’s moved on, but she probably also hasn’t moved on, but she’s moving forward. That’s a big difference. She’s basically trying to deal with the pain. Breakups are painful. And even though she still misses you, probably to some extent, she’s still trying to move forward and project strength because she doesn’t want to show you that she’s hurting, obviously.
We were together for almost one year and things were going great, or so I thought. However, in the last months before the breakup, I noticed that she seemed distant and not as interested in spending time with me as she used to be. It got worse over time. At the beginning, it was just small confrontations and her being more aggressive than usual. But over time, she became more distant. I asked her if there’s something wrong when I realized something was very off. And she told me that she needed some space and that she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with me because she felt that we weren’t doing enough couple things and doing too much stuff on our own and that I didn’t appreciate her.
So this is the point where you basically lost it. If you gave up too fast at that point, that is basically the number one moment where you can still fix your relationship or you have the highest chance of fixing it. Because very often, women will be forgiving if they can see that you’re making the effort. You can flip this stuff around in like a week, basically, if you make the effort. If she says she didn’t feel appreciated and basically she feels like you don’t care about her anymore, or you’re not making the same effort. Maybe you took her out for dates all the time in the past. You gave her a massage after work, or you were there for her when she had some problems, all these kind of things. But then now all of a sudden, it’s gone. Well, then all of a sudden, she’s obviously going to ask herself, “Why am I still with this guy?” Because I can guarantee you there are at least five guys, more than five guys actually, who want to give her exactly what she wants. And she’s weighing them. She’s getting hit on all the time.
And all these guys are willing to give it to her at the flick of a finger within the next 10 minutes, basically. And she’s with some guy who’s not giving her that. So this is the moment where you shouldn’t have been giving up so quickly. You should have given it some tries and told her that you’re going to change and at least sit her down and try to be reasonable with her. Because ultimately, if she can see that you’re really trying and you’re not just letting it go right away, most of the time, your ex will actually give you a chance. If it’s something else like cheating, or it basically exploded like in quick fights, Then it’s probably not going to work out that you can convince her to stay and give it another shot. But a lot of couples can actually try to say, “Hey, OK, I can see that there’s like red alarms here and I’ve been clearly doing something wrong and I’m going to try to change what I’ve been doing. I’m so sorry that you feel that way and I don’t want to lose you. I love you. And I’m here to listen to you. Tell me what you want me, babe.” And then if you apply that, most of the time, she’s going to revert her feelings very, very quickly.
After some reflections, I realized that our relationship had become routine and stagnant. We would usually just spend our weekends watching movies and ordering takeout, which was comfortable for me, but not for her. She wanted to go on more adventures and try new things, but I was content with just staying in.
So basically you became complacent and you became the lazy guy who just sits at home and plays video games, doesn’t get shit done, doesn’t work on his business, doesn’t hustle, doesn’t go to the gym, doesn’t work out and developed himself, not just himself, but also his women. His woman. Because obviously, you’re supposed to be a team. And if you’re just basically two teammates who don’t work together, you’re basically in the same locker room, but you’re not doing anything together. You’re not building strategies how to grow as a couple. Then, why would she want to be with you? It’s pretty common sense.
If you would be in high school, or in college, or in some sports team, and you can see some dude who’s not pulling his weight, you’re going to get pissed relatively quickly. And after a while of deliberating “What do I do about this?” Eventually, especially if you’re multiple people, if you had too much of this guy or this person, you’re going to say, “Look, this is not working out. We’ve got to move on from this and we wish you all the best. But, I’m sorry we can’t make this work out anymore.” And again, like I said, typically, if you would have a scenario like this, like let’s say in college or in a sports team, people would probably be forgiving and say, “OK, you have one last chance. Make this happen now. It counts now. If you don’t do something right now, I’m going to recognize you’re not in it for me. You’re not in it for the relationship. You’re not in it for the team.” And you basically gave up a bit too quickly here, in my opinion.
Additionally, I wasn’t as attentive to her as I used to be in the beginning. I sometimes would not make time to meet up with her for dates because we live a bit far away from each other. I wasn’t making much of an effort to show her that I cared. And I think this is the main reason why she wasn’t sure about our future together.
Yeah, I mean, if you don’t live together and the only reason why you meet up on the weekends, probably, during work days, depending on the person, depending on both of you, you could be super busy. Some people are not as busy. Some people are crazy busy. It really depends on the person and the jobs that you have, your career or your current stage in life. Sometimes you just have no freaking time during the week at all. And your weekend is basically the time where you want to get together as a couple. And like you said, she wanted to have adventures. She didn’t just want to sit in front of the TV and watch Netflix or whatever. Netflix is fine in the evening sometimes. And you probably hook up when you have Netflix, typically, even when you’re a couple and you watch Netflix. One thing leads to the other. But you also got to be exciting. And so if you didn’t take her out on dates anymore, and especially if you didn’t make the effort to drive to her place, I mean, basically that showed her that you think that everything is fine.
But why would you actually think that? It’s like working on a job and you suddenly started working less. Maybe you’ve heard of that trend. What is it? Quiet quitting, right? Where people work as little as possible. Where you can barely tell if they’re actually doing any work. And some people do that. First of all, that’s a really shitty mindset. But then, if people do that and then they get fired. and they’re surprised, “Oh, why did my boss fire me?” Well, because there were no results. It’s quite common sense. So obviously, you got to put effort into the relationship at all times. If you’re busy, obviously, sometimes you are busy or your schedule gets in the way. But if you can see a pattern that this happens all the time, you’re screwed. And women look at those patterns a lot more than guys do. For women, if they see something that doesn’t work out in the moment and then it repeats very often, very quickly, they don’t care that they’ve been happy with you for like a year.
In your case, she cares that for the last two months, every weekend, you only did boring shit and you didn’t drive to her place or something like that, or you didn’t make an extra effort. You didn’t pick her up from work or whatever you did in the past. And she’s going to pay notice to this. She doesn’t care what happened like six months ago. She cares how she feels right now. And like I said again, a lot of guys are hitting on women. And she feels really unhappy with you in the moment. And then in the moment, there’s another guy who is basically signaling to her, “Hey, I want you.” And at some point, she’s going to say, “Hmm, this is a pretty good offer. I should be taking this!” And a woman can only love a man so much until she gives up. So anyways, let’s see what you continue saying.
Fake Dumper Feelings: When Your Ex Girlfriend Moves On Fast After The Breakup
Since the breakup, she has moved on quickly and seemingly without any problems. She’s always posting pictures on social media of her having a good time with her friends and trying new things. It’s like now that she’s no longer with me, she’s finally happy. And one of her friends said that she is so happy now, always glowing. And she is starting to finally enjoy her life. It’s a tough reality to face, and it makes me feel like I wasn’t enough for her. The thought that she was able to move on so quickly and easily while I am still struggling to pick up the pieces is devastating.
Well, let’s say it like this: It’s actually a good thing that you’re recognizing that you feel like you weren’t good enough because clearly, that was what was happening, right? She held onto the relationship for as long as she felt this is going to work out. Or she she didn’t want to let go because, sunk cost fallacy, and she thought maybe you’re going to change, but you didn’t change. She didn’t communicate with you, unfortunately. And eventually, she gave up. But I don’t think that she’s moving on that quickly. Is she happy right now and always glowing? And like the friend said, she’s enjoying her life. Sure. Absolutely! But let me give you an example. About a few years ago, my dog died and that dog, I loved that dog a lot. And his name was actually, ironically, Grumpy. And ironically, he would bark a lot, not in the beginning, but after a while, he had like some kind of trauma sort of, it’s kind of complicated. But he basically started barking after some time. And he was very frustrating. But I still loved that guy like crazy. And then, one day, unfortunately, he had an accident. He got run over by a car. It was insanely painful. And do you think I didn’t miss that dog just because he drove me crazy at times and was barking too much or not listening all the time?
No, at the end of the day, I still love Grumpy. And Grumpy, if you’re watching this from heaven, you’re still loved. And even though she might seem happy, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t still love you or she doesn’t still have feelings for you. I still have feelings for that dog of mine who died. I don’t know, man, that dog died like four years ago or something like that. And sometimes when I remember him very randomly or see pictures, I shed a tear about him like maybe six, seven, eight months ago when my friend asked me about what happened to him. And that was the first time that I recalled my dog properly. And then I thought about how he died and everything. It was, well, that was quite painful. And yeah, I still love that dog. And he drove me a little bit crazy at times, but he was a sweet bugger. And even though he drove me a little bit crazy, he was a good dog. He was a good boy, basically. And your ex is just like that. She’s not just going to be like, “OK, yeah, everything that we shared for the last year was useless.”
Yes, of course, the last few months didn’t make her too happy. But it doesn’t mean that the rest of the months don’t have any validity. And even in the months where she wasn’t happy, there probably were some moments where you had good fun and good banter and it was quite hilarious and you had some dates or whatever and some me-time or some couple-time. She still enjoyed that. Of course, over time, there were more things that she didn’t enjoy than the things that she did enjoy. But right now she’s basically only able to think about the things… Psychology… That’s how it goes. We forget the negative things after a while. And she’s going to reminisce about the things that actually made her happy. Now, does it mean that she’s going to come back right away? No, of course not. But it’s not as cut and dry as like she’s moving on and she’s been never happier in her life. “And I was the worst boyfriend that she ever had. And she’s so happy to be without me. And how would I screw this up?” Obviously, you screwed it up. But that’s a good thing. It’s a good thing because you recognize it.
Now, do no contact without focusing on her. Work on yourself. Figure out why did you not do that? And maybe this is not even a proper reason for it. Maybe you just didn’t know that you need to make more time for your girlfriend. Maybe you’re young, you don’t mention her age here. And maybe it’s a lesson to be learned. Sometimes you got to learn from your failures and learn that if you don’t make it time for a woman, there’s always another guy waiting in the bushes. Maybe that is your learning lesson. Maybe not. Maybe you will get her back in the future. But that’s how you have to see it. Whether she comes back in the future or not. This is your moment of learning. So figure out what you did wrong. Why did you do it wrong? And figure out how can you fix it? And then hopefully in the future, she comes back. Now anyways, let’s continue what you say because you’re devastated that she’s happy and you’re having troubles picking up the pieces. So let’s see what is my advice.
Curing Breakup Oneitis: When You Think That Your Ex Girlfriend Is Your Soulmate
The breakup has impacted me more than I thought it could. I know our relationship wasn’t very long, but to me, she’s like a soulmate.
There’s no such thing as soulmates. You got to make relationships work. The situation is proof of it. I know that you might think that you have a really strong connection. And that’s not something that I would deny. But you can have really strong connections with other women as well. You can meet five women in your lifetime or let’s say 10 and you have really strong connection with three of those women and with the other seven women…. You know, it was not that strong. And yes, there was some charisma, or there was some chemistry involved there. But at the end of the day, after like a year or so, it’s actually work that you need to put in. A little bit of compatibility is important, but at the end of the day, it’s not soulmates. You were not carved out of whatever, a soul or something, whatever people say. What is it called? Twin flames and all that bullshit. Anyone who now comes to this video because I mentioned the word twin flame. Well, deal with it. It’s bullshit. You got to work on relationships. And if you see it any other way and you think that you’re entitled to a woman or even if a woman is watching this, if you think that you’re entitled to a man. Well, news flash: You’re not. You got to put in the effort. Anyways… No soulmates here.
Breakup Regret: Don’t Beat Yourself Up For Messing Up With Your Ex And Turn It Into Positive Outcomes
I’ve never been this comfortable with any girl so far and it’s hard to replace that. Our sense of humor and banter was very similar. I’m struggling with feeling like trash. I never felt this insecure before. I feel like I failed in the relationship and that I let her down. I’m constantly questioning if there was anything I could have done differently to prevent the breakup. These thoughts are constantly running through my head and it’s affecting my daily routine. My mental health is fucked right now.
Well, the problem is because you’re thinking about, you’re trying to focus so hard on getting her back. And obviously, my channel is about getting an ex back, but everything that I do in my course, you see the summary of the video, just the link to the course. Everything in that course is designed to stop you to think about your ex because if you are so obsessed with your ex, you can’t focus on yourself. And if you can’t make changes, then it serves no purpose. There are a lot of people who recognize what they did wrong and they ruminate about this all the time, but they’re just stuck. They’re just repeating the same thoughts over and over. But what are you actually changing? If you’re not changing anything, why would she even want to get back with you? Let’s look at a business example.
Let’s say you are having a startup and you got some investment funds maybe from an angel investor and, they gave you let’s say $10,000. Maybe you’re living in Asia and that’s quite a lot. Ten thousand dollars from an angel investor there for you at least. And they put faith in you, but you over-promised and you didn’t make a change. Something wasn’t working. You didn’t pivot your strategy or your business. You weren’t listening to your customers or whatever. And, the angel investor can see that and now you’re almost running out of money and you’re asking for more money. Well, the angel investor is going to say, “I’m not seeing, or you’re not making any changes here. I told you what I think is the problem. And we’ve been trying to solve this and make it better, but you’re not. So I’m out of here. I just cut my losses and sorry. Good luck with this.”
And that’s basically how it goes in relationships as well. So you got to reflect on this and not just reflect nonstop, actually make changes. And right now you can’t make those changes with her. So focus on what was the root cause of this. So, for example, was it complacency? Were you basically uneducated? Right. You didn’t know that you need to make time for a woman long term. Maybe you didn’t see it in your own family, your mom and your dad didn’t show you how you have to show love to each other regularly. My parents were like this. I haven’t seen them being affectionate for probably 10, 15 years. Basically, maybe they’ve been affectionate perhaps when I was a little child, but I really don’t remember, to be honest. So that’s kind of extreme. That’s the kind of family that I came from. And so I also had some problems with being not too attentive with my girlfriends in the beginning and not all of them, but at least one of them. And yeah, I mean you got to learn from that. So work on that work on the root cause.
Overvaluing Your Ex Girlfriend: Your Ex IS Missing You, Don’t Try To Make Her Miss You Intentionally
I am reaching out to you because I still love her and I want to win her back. I know that she is the one for me and I don’t want to give up on us. Can you please give me some advice on how to approach the situation and what my chances are of winning her back. The last coach I was talking to said that I should try to get her attention, but in very subtle ways, like viewing her stories right after posting good stories to make her subconsciously want to know more what I’m up to over time.
No, that’s really dumb. That’s bullshit. First of all, your chances of getting her back are something in the 50% range. Now, there are no proper studies on what’s going to happen. Are you going to get her back if you actually do everything right? At some point, someone should make a study about this. A really long, longitudinal study. But right now we don’t have this. But 50% of all women at least will come back. And you can imagine that 50% number is probably including a lot of people, a lot of guys who messed it up like crazy and they didn’t do no contact. They chased way too much and it just chased her away.
Now your chances are probably much higher than 50% if you don’t chase her. And if you don’t do something like that coach suggested. Like chasing attention. You should not chase any attention at all. Yeah, you’re trying to view her stories and then you hope that she looks back at your stories and you’re having a good time or whatever, but that is really dumb. She can probably tell what’s going on. Instead, what should be happening is that you keep working on yourself and you keep posting happy stuff all the time. It’s all about mindset and you don’t know when she’s going to message you or when she looks at your stories or checks out your profile and wants to know what’s going on. That could be tomorrow. That could also be every single day for the next three weeks. That could also be in a month. That could also be in three months. You don’t know the exact date.
So trying to put up a facade is really dumb. You should just be at your best, focus on yourself. And then when she actually pays attention, even if she doesn’t see like stories or something like that, she will be wondering why are you not messaging her? Maybe you have some good pictures of gym photos, you’re looking fit, or happy, and stuff like that. It’s going to make her wonder. But if you do this on purpose, that’s basically game over. And that’s why I said you have to focus on yourself, not on her. And what this coach is suggesting, I’m sorry, I don’t know the coach, but he’s basically trying to turn you into a simp. He’s saying, just just do this. Pick a checklist, do X, Y, Z, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I can guarantee you this is going to work and you’re focusing on that outcome. And so now the only thing that you’re obsessed with is basically her and you’re not obsessed with changing, improving personal growth, getting better, healing, feeling happier, just like she seemingly at least feels happier. And I guess she does feel a little bit happy to some extent. She feels that she has freedom.
But at some point she’s going to realize, well, freedom is not everything in life. A good partner is also important and you were not all that awful. And that’s basically what you should be focused on, proving to her that you were not awful. That means going no contact, not chasing her ever, not even for attention. Wait for her to come back or not wait. Just get on with your life. If a girl messages you… I had this girl, a crazy girl a few weeks ago or months ago, she was kind of crazy sexually. I got kind of turned off by it, actually. And I actually blocked her because it was so extreme. But then I saw her profile picture and then I thought with my dick and I unblocked her and she very quickly messaged me again. So women often come back. Now, this one, in particular, is kind of crazy. And I’m thinking my dick. You get the point. Women typically will reach out at least once to try to test the waters and check out what’s up with you and see if they can either kill boredom. You’ve got to be OK with that. If she kills boredom with you, it’s got to be something that you are fine with. Sorry about the lights being out. You’ve got to be fine with her coming to you. And then the lights go off after two weeks, or three weeks. She just wanted some quick attention. You’ve got to be detached, essentially, from that or say, “No, you know what? I don’t think that’s good for me. And I’m done with this. Either she wants me 100 percent or not.”
So she comes back. And the thing is, if you can put yourself in the frame of mind that you don’t care what happens, whether she comes back or not, you’re either dating another woman or you’re busy with your business or something like that, then look, you’re always chasing attention. You’re always chasing… You’re not chasing anything in life, actually, because for a man, the most masculine thing and the thing that he cares about is developing himself, his career, his money, his status, his achievements. That’s what makes us profoundly happy. Women are an important part of this. And typically women are the ones who encourage us along that journey. And you’re only focusing on the woman who encourages you rather than focusing on, “Hey, I can be strong by myself. I can also be amazing even if she’s not encouraging me.” So you should be focused on thinking about what can you do for yourself. Now that includes, OK, figure out what you did wrong. Write it down on pen and paper and then put it aside. Don’t touch it ever again. And that’s it.
How She Feels After A Breakup: Give Your Ex Girlfriend Time To Miss You & Focus On Yourself
So far, this hasn’t brought me any results. And maybe that is because she has moved on. But if there’s anything I can still do, then I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between us. Our breakup was just three and a half weeks ago. And I worry that whatever I do, it is now or never. So please give me your time and expertise. I can’t pay right now because I’ve used my last money for the other coach. But I bought your book as a thank you. Please help me.
It’s not even that long, to be honest. Thanks, at least thanks for buying my book. It’s OK if you can’t buy a coaching session or my course. That’s cool. Maybe you can do it in the future or share it with someone else. Maybe if you know someone in the future who goes through this. If not, fine. Leave a like or a comment. Watch the video until the end. You can do many things to help me out. Now, I already kind of gave you some advice what you can do. And I just think that to wrap it up, three and a half weeks is not that long. Most exes won’t come back after three and a half weeks, especially if they’ve been very, very disappointed. If she is more anxious, if she’s anxiously attached, she might come back quite soon, very unexpectedly. But if she’s, for example, secure or avoidant, she probably will not come back for at least two or three months, maybe four months, maybe even longer. So that’s why I said you have to detach from this. And don’t follow the advice. I’m sorry about this, whatever your coach is. Don’t follow the advice of trying to post something just for her because you’re basically centering your life around her.
And your life right now is not centered around her. It shouldn’t be. So you’re making a mistake here. So go no contact and get that frame of mind in your head that you have to be okay with her coming back or not. Find one thing after this video. Find one thing that you want to work on, something that you’ve always wanted to try, something that you’ve been passionate about. Your big dream. And start now. Do something. Get moving. And if she comes back and she can see that you’ve changed something, at least that is attractive. But if you’re the same bum and you’re not going out more, you’re not going on adventures like she wanted to, for example, then she’s going to think he’s still kind of boring and he’s probably still just going and just hanging out at home. And he’s probably not that interesting. So I’ll keep on dating whoever I’m dating right now or I’m going to start dating someone else. So that’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.